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Exes at the wedding???

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Gwyn

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I know this may sound horrible but this will be my first (and lets hope only) wedding and I want it to be "perfect". Or atleast my ideal LOL.

Both my FF and I are young (im 25 he is 30) and neither of us have been married before. Though I am still friends with many of my ex boyfriends, I do not think that it would be right to invite them to the wedding (especially since they have never even met my FF).

We lived on opposite sides of the US for most of our lives and met about a year ago when he came to work over on my side of the country. Since then we have moved (permanently) to his side of the country. And we plan to get married out here.

The issue is that all of his ex girlfriends (there are three of them) are part of his circle of friends out here. One of them is married to one of his best friends, one of them is a sister to two of his close friends and another is dating one of his close friends (he has known all of these people since high school).

I do not have much in common with any of his exes and I have never formed any kind of relationship with them. There is no animosity it is just that we are completly different people. I don''t feel entirly comfortable around them since they are such good friends with each other and I always feel weird talking to them. Usually this is because they make comments like "I cant believe FF likes that " kind of comments. LIke they know the "real FF" and he''s totally not like that.

I know that my boyfriend was very different when he was younger, and that he changed alot before I met him, but I dont like having to field those kinds of questions and I sometimes get the feeling they think I am changing him, when really he was already different from them when I met him.

Anyway, the point of this thread is that I dont want these girls at my wedding, but I don''t know how I can get around inviting them. Especially since one is maried to one of my FF''s best friends...

I plan on having a small intimate wedding (under 50 people) so it will not be like I can put them at a table and just kind of avoid them...

I just wish there was a tactful way to not invite them. I know my boyfriend doesnt care about having them there, but I know that he wants his male friends to be present.

I guess this is more like a vent then a question since I think that this is just something I am going to have to deal with.


Is this ever an issue with other couples, or just me?
 

NYCsparkle

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well since you are having a small wedding it probably won''t be a problem...don''t invite the other 2, but the one married to his best friend will probably be there. i understand why you''d be uncomfortable though. don''t worry about them there---you are the one marrying him and you are the one who knows him.
 

Gwyn

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I think having just the one there wont be so bad b/c she cant conspire with the others LOL.

I make them sounds like mean people, they are not. Just...maybe thoughtless sometimes. They have all been friends forever so they don''t think that maybe I dont want to hear about them in bed with my boyfriend. But, I dont know them, I dont even like them and I dont appreciate that kind of stuff.

I know he is with me and loves me only so Im not afraid of them, or jealous. I just dont enjoy being around them.
 

Class n Sass

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Gwyn....I completely understand what you are saying and I agree with NYCsparkles''s response. The ex-girlfriend that is married to one of his bestfriends will probably be there. Maybe you could try explaining to your fiance how you feel about the ex-girlfriends so that he knows where you are coming from. You shouldn''t be uncomfortable for any reason at your wedding.

I actually have a similiar issue. My fiance and I have known each other for many years even before dating and we knew a lot of mutual people. Anyway, there is a girl that he put on our guest list. She is the sister of two of his very good friends. He has known her for a while and since he is such good friends with her older brothers he has spent a lot of time around her and her family. I also went to college with this girl and I never cared for her or enjoyed being around her. I can''t pinpoint exactly what I don''t like about her, but she has a certain amount of arrogance that rubs me the wrong way. We were working on our guest list night trying to cut down on it in any possible, and when her name came up I mentioned my feelings about her. I had briefly mentioned it to him before but this was when we first began dating and were not creating a wedding guest list. Well as soon as those word came out of my mouth he immediately said, "well then take her off the list." That made me feel good that he didn''t question anything. The fact that I don''t care for her was enough for him to eliminate her so that I will be totally comfortable. That''s exactly how it should be and I think if you tell your fiance he will hopefully feel the same way. Good Luck!
 

kcoursolle

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I think the one who is married to his best friend should probably be invited, but you can get away without inviting the rest. I really doubt that with all of the fun and excitement that she is going to bother you. You probably won''t even have time to talk to her. I think assigned seating is a good idea and another way to make sure she doesn''t bother you.
 

Gwyn

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Becase we are getting married out here, I will only have about 10 people on my side. The rest will all be from his. He only has about 12 family members total and the rest will be his friends. I think I can definitely get away with not inviting the sister but I think I might still get stuck with the one dating one of his friends. Only because I think he would be really unhappy if he couldnt invite his male friend. I know he could care less about her coming. But I think he would consider it too rude to invite his other close 10 friends and not invite that one just because of his girlfriend. I wonder how totally rude it would be to invite his male friend without a guest LOL.

I laught but it isn''t really that funny. Since we have been together two sets of his friends got married and both invited him without a guest! Needless to say, I have no qualms not inviting them to our wedding!

It is awkward because life out here is so different and I really don''t fit in with any of his friends (just the few of his close male friends). They are all big into parties and drugs and burning man and things like that and I, being from the east coast, have had limited exposure to that kind of lifestyle and am not that interested.

They really seem like nice people, I just don''t have much in common with them =( I wish I did since I know noone out here but i dont. And trust me, I have tried.

I dont know its only been about 9 months, maybe in a few years we will all be the best of friends =)
 

surfgirl

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Gwyn, I''ve gotta agree with the other posters on this. The one who''s married to one of the "problem women", she''ll have to be invited. The sister and the gf of the other guys, dont bother. You dont owe them anything. But I will caution you on how to word the invitiations/RSVPs because I have found that in CA (I dont know where you''re getting married but it sounded like it might be CA), people are much more relaxed about the whole "and Guest" thing. There''s a recent thread about this you might want to read through. My FI once brought me to a wedding of an old friend when we''d been dating not that long and I''d never even met this friend. I was mortified when I found out en route to the wedding that FIs invitation did not read "and Guest"! However, it seemed to not be a big deal at all and several people had done the same thing. I''m from the East Coast and I''d never ever bring along a date unless I had a "and Guest" on my invite and RSVP'' as such. So just make sure you word the invite and RSVPs in such a way that it is clear who is being invited. Then you wont have any unwanted problem girls at your wedding! I think you should only have those people you really want there, there''s no reason to have people at your wedding who bring you anything less than total joy!

BTW, is your avatar your actual ering stone? Because if so, it is amazing! Can you post a photo?
 

Gwyn

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I think, to avoid "and guest" issues I may try and not invite that one friend. I think that it would be way to akward/ I also agree with above (Yes I am in california) I think that she would come anyway, or they would call and ask and then we would have to say "No, we really dont want you there". And since they are all friends it would defintitely be weird. I should mention that this one ex (the one just dating one of his friends) has not known them all since highschool. She did, however, meet them all (through another friends wife) about 7 years ago.



I am thinking about having the wedding on the east coast to just avoid all this but, just my luck, they would probably fly out LOL. That and planning a wedding acorss the country from myself does not sound enjoyable.



Surfgirl- No, the avatar is not my ring just the style is the same. I've got a 1.1 asscher (pic below) unfortunately I do not have a real pic yet. I took some hand shots and such when it was done getting set but I cant get them off the digital camera lol.



I put a magnified pic of the stone below. WOW that came out big



diamondimagemagnified.jpg
 

mainemomof2

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I have the dissenting opinion. If ANY one person that you or your fiancé plans to invite to you wedding makes you feel even a LITTLE uncomfortable, they get off the list. Period. To me, it doesn’t matter who they are related to, married to, or dating. If they make you feel uncomfortable or upset, they don’t come. It is your wedding..why be nervous the whole time? Maybe I am bitter because my first marriage ended because my ex-husband committed adultery, but I really don’t think so.
 

starryeyed

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Date: 4/17/2007 5:57:54 PM
Author: Gwyn
I wonder how totally rude it would be to invite his male friend without a guest LOL.
I laught but it isn''t really that funny. Since we have been together two sets of his friends got married and both invited him without a guest! Needless to say, I have no qualms not inviting them to our wedding!
It is awkward because life out here is so different and I really don''t fit in with any of his friends (just the few of his close male friends). They are all big into parties and drugs and burning man and things like that and I, being from the east coast, have had limited exposure to that kind of lifestyle and am not that interested.
Hi Gwyn. I have a few concerns here.

First and foremost, I am very concerned about these "friends" who party and do drugs. If this isn''t something you are comfortable with, I think you need to have a serious discussion with your DF about this. Once you are married, will he disappear for days on end to party and do drugs with these people?? When the going gets tough, will he revert to his old lifestyle?

If your DF has truly reformed and will not be partying and doing drugs with these "friends", what significance will they really have in your lives going forward? Hopefully, not much! YOU are the one who matters for the future.

That said, this is YOUR wedding. I''m a firm believer in doing what makes you happy. There is no reason why you should dread your own wedding or feel you have to "endure" your guests. Inviting the married ex will probably be ok - I doubt her husband would stand for any improprieties. If she behaves poorly, don''t be afraid to ask her to leave - that is always a solution.

About the other 2 women, make it clear to your DF that you are not comfortable with these women at YOUR wedding and he needs to point out to his friend that his GF is not invited. Yes, she will be slighted, but quite frankly, who cares.

If your DF resists, this is not good. It means he is putting his friend''s feelings before yours. Pay close attention to how he handles this. If your DF places more emphasis on his friend''s feelings or the ex-GF''s feelings, that would be a big read flag for me. No diamond is worth being "second" to friends (or even family).
 

cara

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I guess I have a different view here. Yes these girls might make you a little uncomfortable because they have known your FI longer (and made some comments to that effect) and are a bit cliquish but... it doesn''t sound like they have done anything outright hostile. I think you should be the bigger person and invite them, unless you feel that they truly don''t support your marriage or you. At least the ones that are gf and wife of your FI''s male friends - doesn''t his friendship with the guys outweigh your slight discomfort with their SOs? Of course your FI should support you in your feelings - but you should have a reasonable basis for asking him to exclude his friends (and/or their SOs). This is life - sometimes friends date people we don''t entirely like and generally you have to suck it up and play nice with them if you want to remain close friends with the friend.

This is with all due respect to women who have *married* (and divorced) men and would not want their ex-husbands invited to their second wedding. Many girlfriends do not rise to the level of wife in terms of emotional connection and this sounds a lot like a group of friends that tried out dating within the group for a while before settling on being just friends. Without knowing the history, I don''t think one should just write off inviting any and all exes.

As others have said, I don''t think that on your wedding day it will be a big deal if they are there or not. Your head and heart will be a 1000 miles away from this issue.

Last, perfection is a worthy goal, but having an awesome day with lots of good, warm, inclusive people and lovely moments, without worrying about the few things that are less than perfect is a much more attainable goal.
 

dtnyc

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Date: 4/18/2007 11:32:49 AM
Author: starryeyed
Date: 4/17/2007 5:57:54 PM

Author: Gwyn

I wonder how totally rude it would be to invite his male friend without a guest LOL.

I laught but it isn''t really that funny. Since we have been together two sets of his friends got married and both invited him without a guest! Needless to say, I have no qualms not inviting them to our wedding!

It is awkward because life out here is so different and I really don''t fit in with any of his friends (just the few of his close male friends). They are all big into parties and drugs and burning man and things like that and I, being from the east coast, have had limited exposure to that kind of lifestyle and am not that interested.
Hi Gwyn. I have a few concerns here.


First and foremost, I am very concerned about these ''friends'' who party and do drugs. If this isn''t something you are comfortable with, I think you need to have a serious discussion with your DF about this. Once you are married, will he disappear for days on end to party and do drugs with these people?? When the going gets tough, will he revert to his old lifestyle?


If your DF has truly reformed and will not be partying and doing drugs with these ''friends'', what significance will they really have in your lives going forward? Hopefully, not much! YOU are the one who matters for the future.


That said, this is YOUR wedding. I''m a firm believer in doing what makes you happy. There is no reason why you should dread your own wedding or feel you have to ''endure'' your guests. Inviting the married ex will probably be ok - I doubt her husband would stand for any improprieties. If she behaves poorly, don''t be afraid to ask her to leave - that is always a solution.


About the other 2 women, make it clear to your DF that you are not comfortable with these women at YOUR wedding and he needs to point out to his friend that his GF is not invited. Yes, she will be slighted, but quite frankly, who cares.


If your DF resists, this is not good. It means he is putting his friend''s feelings before yours. Pay close attention to how he handles this. If your DF places more emphasis on his friend''s feelings or the ex-GF''s feelings, that would be a big read flag for me. No diamond is worth being ''second'' to friends (or even family).
I agree w/ the above completely and totally. My DH does not do drugs, but apparently some of his old friends from HS have adopted these habits (we are early 30''s these are friends from elementary & high school- we don''t see them that often now, but he and his mom felt they should be invited) since our wedding nearly a year ago I learned that 2 of his friends did coke at or after our wedding- WTF??? I am LIVID about this. It''s disgusting behavior and I find it totally offensive - don''t even get me started about the legality/liability of it etc. Do you want this happening at your wedding?

Do you have friends/family who could help you plan an E.Coast wedding? I have a friend who lives in CA but got married in her hometown on the E. coast- her parents did a lot of the planning and she made 2-3 trips back to take care of a lot of things.

Also I find it really bizarre that these 3 ex-GFs have banded together. I didn''t get married until 29 almost 30 and have several ex-bf''s and can''t say I am tight or chatty w/ any of my ex-bf''s ex-gfs- that''s just really odd.
 

starryeyed

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Date: 4/18/2007 11:54:37 AM
Author: cara
I guess I have a different view here. Yes these girls might make you a little uncomfortable because they have known your FI longer (and made some comments to that effect) and are a bit cliquish but... it doesn''t sound like they have done anything outright hostile. I think you should be the bigger person and invite them, unless you feel that they truly don''t support your marriage or you. At least the ones that are gf and wife of your FI''s male friends - doesn''t his friendship with the guys outweigh your slight discomfort with their SOs? Of course your FI should support you in your feelings - but you should have a reasonable basis for asking him to exclude his friends (and/or their SOs). This is life - sometimes friends date people we don''t entirely like and generally you have to suck it up and play nice with them if you want to remain close friends with the friend.
The section above that I bolded is a good point, Cara. No offense, but that''s all I agree with. You are telling Gwyn to put the feelings of her DF''s friends before her own feelings. If her DF and his friends have a good friendship, this isn''t going to ruin the friendship - the friends are invited - it''s the ex''s who are not.

I think it''s entirely reasonable to exclude these women. It''s doing pre-event damage control. Cliques are really destructive. Could you imagine if they sat at a table together and started laughing during the "first dance"? Or stood off to the side and criticized Gwyn, her dress, or her hair out of jealousy? Or blurted out how they never thought her DF was that great in bed anyway? This is a small intimate wedding of 50 people - it''s not like they would be lost in the crowd. Again, it''s important to think about damage-control, especially if there is alcohol involved.

Yes, it''s important to be the "bigger person" with family and people of significance, but these women are not. Instead, they are unknown quantities who could ruin the whole experience.
 

starryeyed

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Date: 4/18/2007 12:02:10 PM
Author: dtnyc
I agree w/ the above completely and totally. My DH does not do drugs, but apparently some of his old friends from HS have adopted these habits (we are early 30's these are friends from elementary & high school- we don't see them that often now, but he and his mom felt they should be invited) since our wedding nearly a year ago I learned that 2 of his friends did coke at or after our wedding- WTF??? I am LIVID about this. It's disgusting behavior and I find it totally offensive - don't even get me started about the legality/liability of it etc. Do you want this happening at your wedding?

Do you have friends/family who could help you plan an E.Coast wedding? I have a friend who lives in CA but got married in her hometown on the E. coast- her parents did a lot of the planning and she made 2-3 trips back to take care of a lot of things.

Also I find it really bizarre that these 3 ex-GFs have banded together. I didn't get married until 29 almost 30 and have several ex-bf's and can't say I am tight or chatty w/ any of my ex-bf's ex-gfs- that's just really odd.
Dtnyc, that's a great suggestion to do the wedding on the East Coast. It might help if Gwyn feels "outnumbered" or awkward in unfamiliar surroundings.

I find it bizarre too that 3 ex-GF's have banded together too. This whole thing is very much "we can share the women, we can share the wine". I would feel pretty uncomfortable.

About your wedding, dtnyc, at least they did the coke AFTER your wedding and not before! I'm sorry that happened, but consider the source. Better you find out now rather than after you've asked one to be a Godparent!

Sorry Gwyn to be so preachy about this, but I really want you to be happy! I would hate for you to have anything less than a perfect wedding!
 

Pandora II

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For me it would depend on the type of relationship they had had with my FI. I''m going to a wedding next month in Italy of one of FI''s closest friends who had had 2 dates with in the past - not sure they even kissed. For me this doesn''t make her an ex.

While we''re there, we''re staying with one of my ex''s who I lived with for 2 years. FI is totally fine about it and I''m not worried at all - but I wouldn''t invite him to my wedding!

If it was a random snog at 16 that''s one thing - a full on relationship is another. To be honest these 3 sound a bit immature to me. Even if you did sleep with someone, you don''t discuss the finer points of their technique in public and certainly not in front of the new girlfriend.
 

havernell

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Date: 4/18/2007 11:32:49 AM
Author: starryeyed

That said, this is YOUR wedding. I'm a firm believer in doing what makes you happy. There is no reason why you should dread your own wedding or feel you have to 'endure' your guests.

About the other 2 women, make it clear to your DF that you are not comfortable with these women at YOUR wedding and he needs to point out to his friend that his GF is not invited.
I have to respectfully disagree with the line that it is "YOUR wedding" in reference to Gwyn. In reality it is the shared wedding of Gwyn AND her fiance. Anytime two people are planning something as important as a weddinng, COMPROMISE is key. One person does not get to make all of the decisions over the other. Thus, it is "OUR" wedding, not "YOUR" wedding.

I think Gwyn and her fiance should sit down and have a nice long talk about their guestlist (it sounds like this hasn't happened yet). They should discuss who each person does and does not want at the wedding. If her FI's desire to invite these girls (who are his friends in their own right it sounds like, not just the wife, gf, or sister of his male friends) is stronger than Gwyn's slight uncomfortableness with them, then perhaps they should be invited.

Now, it would be one thing if these girls were still actively pursing Gwyn's FI or had actually DONE something to Gwyn- then of course I'd say don't invite them. But, based on what Gwyn has posted, it doesnt sound like they have tried to be mean to her on purpose. It simply sounds like they are different people who dont have a lot in common and who will never really jive together, period. If that's the case, and her FI wants to invite them, I don't see how it would be fair to him if Gwyn didn't let him. Again, compromise is key, and the way to reach a compromise it to talk abou it together.

Gwyn- best of luck with hammering out the guest list!!
 

cara

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Date: 4/18/2007 12:17:02 PM
Author: starryeyed
Date: 4/18/2007 11:54:37 AM

Author: cara

I guess I have a different view here. Yes these girls might make you a little uncomfortable because they have known your FI longer (and made some comments to that effect) and are a bit cliquish but... it doesn''t sound like they have done anything outright hostile. I think you should be the bigger person and invite them, unless you feel that they truly don''t support your marriage or you. At least the ones that are gf and wife of your FI''s male friends - doesn''t his friendship with the guys outweigh your slight discomfort with their SOs? Of course your FI should support you in your feelings - but you should have a reasonable basis for asking him to exclude his friends (and/or their SOs). This is life - sometimes friends date people we don''t entirely like and generally you have to suck it up and play nice with them if you want to remain close friends with the friend.
The section above that I bolded is a good point, Cara. No offense, but that''s all I agree with. You are telling Gwyn to put the feelings of her DF''s friends before her own feelings. If her DF and his friends have a good friendship, this isn''t going to ruin the friendship - the friends are invited - it''s the ex''s who are not.


I think it''s entirely reasonable to exclude these women. It''s doing pre-event damage control. Cliques are really destructive. Could you imagine if they sat at a table together and started laughing during the ''first dance''? Or stood off to the side and criticized Gwyn, her dress, or her hair out of jealousy? Or blurted out how they never thought her DF was that great in bed anyway? This is a small intimate wedding of 50 people - it''s not like they would be lost in the crowd. Again, it''s important to think about damage-control, especially if there is alcohol involved.


Yes, it''s important to be the ''bigger person'' with family and people of significance, but these women are not. Instead, they are unknown quantities who could ruin the whole experience.
No I am possibly telling Gwen to put her FI''s desire to have his friends at his wedding (and his potential desire to remain friends with these people after the wedding) before her feelings of not being "entirely comfortable" with women with whom she has "no animosity". Right, these people are his friends? If the women aren''t his friends and he doesn''t care about them in particular, the two that are SO''s of his actual good friends should still be invited to avoid miffed feelings on their part. Didn''t Gwen make the point that she personally was miffed when she was not invited to weddings with her FI when they were dating? This is because she sees her and her FI as functioning as part of a social unit. It is definitely making a hostile point to invite only half of a married couple. Generally only acceptable if the uninvited person has done something really really bad, which I haven''t seen any mention of anything that would rise to this bar in the post. Maybe if Gwen isn''t inviting anyone''s mere girlfriend/boyfriend, it would be OK to leave off the GF, but my point is basically that if your FI cares about the male half of these couples and wants to remain friends with them, then slighting their wives/girlfriends is not a great idea. The brides desire to not have people around who make her uncomfortable must be balanced against the groom''s desire to have his friends and family at the wedding. Of course the causes and degree of Gwen''s discomfort matter a lot in making the judgement call. The initial post didn''t mention fear that the women would use drugs at the wedding, or sit in a corner snickering at her. (And if its a matter of drugs, do just the women use drugs or most of FIs friends?) If Gwen actually fears that the women will behave badly, then she should discuss this with her FI and they should come up with a compromise because not inviting someone with their WIFE to a wedding is something they will remember and not kindly. My recommendation was based simply on her description in the initial post which didn''t really have any details that would suggest that these women are truly hostile to her, or would actually be rude and catty at the wedding.
 

starryeyed

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Date: 4/18/2007 2:44:38 PM
Author: havernell
Date: 4/18/2007 11:32:49 AM
I have to respectfully disagree with the line that it is ''YOUR wedding'' in reference to Gwyn. In reality it is the shared wedding of Gwyn AND her fiance. Anytime two people are planning something as important as a weddinng, COMPROMISE is key. One person does not get to make all of the decisions over the other. Thus, it is ''OUR'' wedding, not ''YOUR'' wedding.
I think Gwyn and her fiance should sit down and have a nice long talk about their guestlist (it sounds like this hasn''t happened yet). Gwyn- best of luck with hammering out the guest list!!
Havernell, you are right and I misspoke - it is an "OUR" thing for sure. I also agree Gwyn and DF need to talk.


I think the reason why I think about the wedding as more of the bride''s thing is because, in my experience, the bride does most of the planning and may get input from the groom. In many cases, the bride''s parents pay for most of the affair.

Gwyn has clearly been affected by the ex-GF''s and this is an important issue for her. She wouldn''t have posted about it if it were no big deal. You are right that compromise is important, but that doesn''t mean giving up something that is important to you, which I think this is for Gywn.

Yes, some people are ok with ex''s, others are not. Clearly, Gwyn is not comfortable. I want Gwyn to know that she has my support 100% for not wanting these women at the wedding. I think feeling uncomfortable is reason enough and her DF should respect that, as Class n Sass''s DF did.
 

KristyDarling

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Date: 4/17/2007 5:26:59 PM
Author: NYCsparkle
well since you are having a small wedding it probably won''t be a problem...don''t invite the other 2, but the one married to his best friend will probably be there. i understand why you''d be uncomfortable though. don''t worry about them there---you are the one marrying him and you are the one who knows him.
ITA!
 

starryeyed

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Date: 4/18/2007 3:12:56 PM
Author: cara
No I am possibly telling Gwen to put her FI''s desire to have his friends at his wedding (and his potential desire to remain friends with these people after the wedding) before her feelings of not being ''entirely comfortable'' with women with whom she has ''no animosity''. Right, these people are his friends? If the women aren''t his friends and he doesn''t care about them in particular, the two that are SO''s of his actual good friends should still be invited to avoid miffed feelings on their part. Didn''t Gwen make the point that she personally was miffed when she was not invited to weddings with her FI when they were dating? This is because she sees her and her FI as functioning as part of a social unit. It is definitely making a hostile point to invite only half of a married couple. Generally only acceptable if the uninvited person has done something really really bad, which I haven''t seen any mention of anything that would rise to this bar in the post. Maybe if Gwen isn''t inviting anyone''s mere girlfriend/boyfriend, it would be OK to leave off the GF, but my point is basically that if your FI cares about the male half of these couples and wants to remain friends with them, then slighting their wives/girlfriends is not a great idea. The brides desire to not have people around who make her uncomfortable must be balanced against the groom''s desire to have his friends and family at the wedding. Of course the causes and degree of Gwen''s discomfort matter a lot in making the judgement call. The initial post didn''t mention fear that the women would use drugs at the wedding, or sit in a corner snickering at her. (And if its a matter of drugs, do just the women use drugs or most of FIs friends?) If Gwen actually fears that the women will behave badly, then she should discuss this with her FI and they should come up with a compromise because not inviting someone with their WIFE to a wedding is something they will remember and not kindly. My recommendation was based simply on her description in the initial post which didn''t really have any details that would suggest that these women are truly hostile to her, or would actually be rude and catty at the wedding.
Hi Cara. I think you may have misunderstood me - I endorse inviting the friend''s wife who is an ex, for sure. I agree with you that you don''t split couples. I never intended that - I stated my position in my first post.

However, the other 2 ex''s are nix-able in my opinion.

As a point of clarification, in Gwyn words, ...I dont want to hear about them in bed with my boyfriend...I dont even like them and I dont appreciate that kind of stuff.. And, I know he is with me and loves me only so Im not afraid of them, or jealous. I just dont enjoy being around them..

This sounds pretty clear to me. Gwyn does not like being around them, doesn''t like them, and to invite them is exposing Gwyn to a lot of discomfort.

Cara, no offfense intended, but would you mind breaking up your post a little into paragraphs? It would be a lot easier to read.
 

cara

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 21, 2006
Messages
2,202
Yeah, the lovely detail about bedroom discussions I missed until you italicized it. My first post was mostly in response to the initial post and there wasn''t anything in there that was a no-invite worthy offense. Still not clear if these women are actually hostile to Gwen or just from a completely different culture. They might not even be cliquey intentionally, they could just be really different and they are a part of Gwen''s FI''s past and present. All these details do matter!

I agree that the woman who is just a sister of someone doesn''t need to be invited. The wife should be invited, the girlfriend there is some flexibility on, but if she is a longtime girlfriend, and other longtime BF/GF''s are being invited, she should probably be invited to avoid miffed feelings assuming she is likely to behave like an adult at the wedding and has not actively been hostile to Gwen.

These miffed feelings can last a while and sometimes it''s just not worth it is my point. My cousin had a lovely wedding 10 years ago and the aunts and uncles still remember that they were not initially invited. That was even a completely legitimate blanket exclusion for small wedding purposes! Imagine what grudges people are capable of when you actually give them reasonable grounds.

Sorry about the (lack of) paragraphs.
 

Fancy605

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 3, 2006
Messages
1,446
Date: 4/17/2007 5:31:17 PM
Author: Gwyn
I dont want to hear about them in bed with my boyfriend. But, I dont know them, I dont even like them and I dont appreciate that kind of stuff.
I know he is with me and loves me only so Im not afraid of them, or jealous. I just dont enjoy being around them.
Geeze, this may sound totally jealous/posessive, but I personally wouldn''t want anyone who had so much as kissed my fiance anywhere near me--especially not at my wedding. Luckily for me, mine has no ties with the few girls he took on dates before me. Anyway, my point is that if I were you, I would feel the same way about not having them there. I see what you mean about the not being afraid/jealous, but rather just not wanting to be around it. Like Starry eyed was saying, who wants to have people who may potentially make a crack about being physically intimate with your guy sitting around at your wedding? No one wants to hear that. It seems to me that you trust your man, but you don''t trust his ex''s to keep their mouths shut about topics that are innapropriate for one''s wedding day. It all makes me think of that episode of Gilmore Girls where Rory listens to all the bridesmaids at Logan''s sister''s wedding go on about how they all slept with Logan.
 

Gwyn

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 5, 2007
Messages
745
No, I am not afraid of drugs at all with my boyfriend. To be honest, they dont bother me, they just don't interest me. My boyfriend thinks of his youth as exactly that, his youth. Kind of a been there done that kind of attitude. He also had some paranoid reactions that he didnt care for, therefore, he is done with the drug thing.

According to him, we dont have to invite anyone I dont want to. But I know he really wants his best buds there. Part of the reason why we are having a wedding and not going somewhere like a destination wedding or something else more secluded was because he said he really wants to have a wedding and say our vows and such in front of his friends and family. These are people who have been in his life for almost forever.

Even though both he and I can see that his friendships have grown apart, he still wants to share this with them.

I think, even if it was done to me, inviting one person in a couple is wrong, unless there is some serious issue with the other. Additionally, I feel (unless you have a problem with too many guests) it is rude to invite an adult and not allow them to bring a guest.

I have decided married GF and dating GF can come. I have a whole year to become friends with them =)

Sister will just have to deal with not getting an invite.
 

Fancy605

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 3, 2006
Messages
1,446
Date: 4/18/2007 5:38:05 PM
Author: Gwyn


These are people who have been in his life for almost forever.


Even though both he and I can see that his friendships have grown apart, he still wants to share this with them.


I have decided married GF and dating GF can come. I have a whole year to become friends with them =)
This is VERY big of you. I hope it all works out.
 

door knob solitaire

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 26, 2005
Messages
2,934
Gwyn,

I rarely post in this forum...but when I read your signature line I laughed so loud!!!! I had to thank you for the giggle!

Do what is comfortable for you.

But keep in mind...this IS YOUR WEDDING. This is your day to be a princess. Everyone in that place is there to SEE THE BRIDE. Heck the groom just looks a little dressed up...but you...You will take peoples breathe away!! You are the star attraction...Every one is waiting to see what dress you chose, how you decided to wear your hair...

This is the optimum opportunity to remind everyone WHY HE CHOSE YOU. Let the "losers" come...odds are everyone will walk away knowing what a confident and secure bride...WIFE you are. And the fact you will be beautiful isn''t bad either!!

DKS

PS...dont'' forget it is custom for guests to bring a gift...they just may be something in it for you that might be pretty cool!! Get the hunk and the loot! (just kidding...)
 
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