Excellent Article on Suicidal Thinking

[AprilBaby]

Amen!

 

[Arkteia]

I feel very sorry for everyone who posted here, who lost their beloved ones to suicide or is going through depression. I wish that anyone who ended own life at least left a message, because "why?" question is unbearable.

Depression runs in my father's side of the family, my grandfather was depressed, per his letters, and my father suffered from severe depression since his 40-es. Even as a kid, I saw that it was biological - my father is an ultra-smart, super-successful person, with immense love for his family. So, no apparent reason, and yet I heard about suicide as the possibility since childhood. When my mother was alive, she probably was his best antidepressant, when she died, he turned into "a lonely, sad man", as he'd say.

Yet he did not kill himself, and will never do it, now. But we spoke about his feelings many times. His best reason to stay alive, as he put it, was fear of leaving such "inheritance" to us, to me and my two boys. And dad also spoke about the fear of crossing that line, because the fear was also there, always, even if the pull was strong. He also said something about a sin - not in a religious sense (we are both non-believers), but a different one... it will require many paragraphs to explain, but I understood him very well.

I remember what I once found in his apartment, several years ago. I did not say a word to him, just untied that belt and put it in his cupboard. He was that close. I don't know what stopped him - maybe, my call.

We share the same genes, which, luckily, I did not pass to my children, and yet I never felt even close to simple depression, much less suicide. Not everything is known, but clearly, genes preventing depression can balance "bad inheritance". When we think about suicidal thoughts, markers, family history, no one ever considers the input of the other side of the family. (And it probably should be). My mom's will to live and emotional strength were immense, enough for both her and my dad. I feel that she is protecting me now.

 

[Arkteia]

You're right about exhausting and feeling like you're in a prison.

There are times when it takes all of the energy I have to fight the messages my brain is sending me. Sometimes, I find that I am living second to second while my brain gives me all of the reasons to check out...big reasons like "no one loves you" and little ones like "there are too many dishes." It's the chemical imbalance that is speaking.

I am currently struggling against this thinking right now. I revealed on the board that several months ago I saw the man who raped me 20 years ago. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I saw him again. The shock to my system of seeing him and the tidal wave of adrenaline, memories, fear, worthlessness, etc...shifted the chemicals in my brain just right to where I am having to fight that awful voice again. The one that tells me there is an ultimate escape from all of this pain.

This isn't my cry for help, btw. I've LIVED through this more times that I can count.

I feel very alone because by all accounts, I live a beautiful life. I also feel very alone because I DO reach out for help and connection and no one knows what to say to me. People definitely can't fix it. Even my doctor is telling me he doesn't know what to do. Other than my husband, it seems that the only people who have any real interest in my situation are the the people I pay for their time, my two therapists.

When reaching out seems to make the other person incredibly uncomfortable, then one feels they've done the wrong thing. This sends a whole new barrage of negativity to the suicidal brain. This is why people say nothing. This is why people isolate.

This isn't me pitying myself either. I have a good life and a good husband and beautiful children. I am relating to feeling very alone. This also sent me into deep reflection about how, just maybe, we are failing suicidal people.

My brain is suicidal, but I don't have a plan. It seems as long as I don't have a plan, it's all good to the mental health professionals in my life. I know for a fact, and every mental health professional should know this too, that going from not having a plan to having a plan takes a nanosecond. How many people are walking around like me? How many others are at extreme risk for harming themselves, who have told everyone they know that their brain is telling them to kill themselves? And how many of those people are actually being helped?

I think it's time we changed our criteria for stepping in to help people with this thinking. I think it needs to be done sooner than when someone has a plan. Killing oneself isn't rocket science. No one needs to take the time to carefully draft out a plan.

It didn't seem as thought C. Cornell had much of a plan either. His move seemed impulsive to me. But then again, maybe he looked at that exercise band everyday for a month and while his brain told him to harm himself.

I have been walking around in sort of a haze, bearing witness to my brain's activities and wondering what is the last straw? I go through a very long list of reasons why I shouldn't do it and it is my deepest belief that anyone who lives with this ailment does the same. It gets exhausting fighting this bully in my head. It gets exhausting fighting this resigned one in my head. It gets exhausting fighting the one who hurts in my head. It goes from an anxious "I have to find something to make me feel better" which leads me to shop and eat and drink and any other behavior that isn't healthy but instantly gratifying but it quickly gives up and that's when I believe things get dangerous. When the fatigue of fighting your mind is so incredible that your muscles are aching and you can't even muster up the thoughts in your list to fight back, what do you have? Unbridled, seeming unending suffering.

I've been hospitalized. I know it is a resource. I could give a damn about stigma or being "crazy" to anyone. I love the people I meet there. I get rest. But I can't say I have always emerged healthier. I think time, taking care of yourself, healthy connection, love, giving love (when you can), sunlight, healthy food, more connection, more love...does the trick for me. The hospital just keeps a person from their plan long enough to make you think twice about it.

My step dad killed himself several years ago. I can honestly say that it was the darkest time of my entire life. Kylier and Asscherisme, I am so sorry that you've had to live through something similar.

Maybe for me, that is my biggest reason of all to fight. I know the pain of surviving a suicide and I would never want to put my family through that again.

Ok, now that I have written a book...let's see if I am brace enough to post this...

I am very sorry for what you have to go through. And you are right, absence of the plan is not foolproof, but presence of one is a big red flag. Another one is how often people have suicidal thoughts - "several times a week" is considered a red flag.

Ii is my biggest hope that ultimately, all the science, all research that is put into mental illness will finally come up with really good solutions, be it medications or something else. We are already at a much better place than ten years ago.

Two days ago we were present at my son's Ph.D. graduation. The graduate who spoke on behalf of all of them, a young woman, specifically mentioned being attentive to one another, supportive of mental illness. That sounded unexpected (the context). I asked my son later if she meant any specific episode, and he said, not at all, simply, they were all mindful these days. Many good and bad things are said about millennials, but they appear more attentive and kind to people with emotional problems than we are.