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Etiquette: Response to "I want to come to your wedding"

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labbielove

Brilliant_Rock
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Jun 28, 2006
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FI and I are having 100 guests at our wedding, our immediate families alone are approximately 50, but we really wanted to keep it as small as possible, we''d even prefer fewer people if possible so we may still trim down the list.

So now I find myself in the common situation of friends/coworkers etc. asking me about wedding plans, and when I know they''re not on the invite list I try to keep the responses as brief as possible.

Well today I had a coworker come right out and say "when is your wedding? I want to come"
I just pretended like I didn''t hear the second part.
It was said in a nice way, but I think that''s rude to put me on the spot like that.

I know I need to let people know it''s small and we can''t invite everyone, but it really sucks. The point is, I don''t WANT to invite everyone- is that so wrong?

I''m rambling, I really haven''t talked about my wedding at work at all other than when I said I need time off. Other folks keep bringing it up.

Any similar situations?
 

janinegirly

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 21, 2006
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3,689
my BF''s co-worker (a nice older lady) asked him when our wedding date was and then penciled it on her calendar and told him thank goodness she''s free. He had not intended to invite her as that would mean having to invite everyone and we are having a small wedding as well.

i guess it''s a tough call.I think the best thing is to keep details quiet except to allude that it is a v. small wedding with family and close friends.
 

labbielove

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Date: 1/18/2007 11:53:49 AM
Author: janinegirly
my BF''s co-worker (a nice older lady) asked him when our wedding date was and then penciled it on her calendar and told him thank goodness she''s free. He had not intended to invite her as that would mean having to invite everyone and we are having a small wedding as well.

i guess it''s a tough call.I think the best thing is to keep details quiet except to allude that it is a v. small wedding with family and close friends.
Same thing happened to me actually, a friend of mine, who we actually are going to invite, asked when it was so that she could pencil it in. Not a big deal, since we''re inviting her, but I would never ever assume I was invited to anyone''s wedding.

I''ve had the opposite too, where some of my best and dearest friends were so flattered when I asked them to save the date, they said "oh, thank you so much for including us, and they were honored to be asked to be there."

I agree about keeping it low key in the office, etc. but then I don''t want people waiting for invites, seems easier to just say something. I guess I''ll know when there''s a good opportunity to do so, just to be clear.
 

Blenheim

Ideal_Rock
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Feb 27, 2006
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We''re in a similar situation -- our guest list is about 100, and the vast majority are family and old close family friends. The response that I usually give in those kinds of situations is that we''re having a small, intimate wedding in May with close friends and family. If your friends/coworkers say things like "When are you getting married? I want to come," don''t just ignore the "I want to come." If they say it and you don''t correct them, they may assume that they''re invited and get indignant later. I''d say something along the lines of "We''re having a small, intimate wedding and unfortunately can''t invite everyone that we''d like to." And it might feel awkward to say to people, but a lot less awkward than if they later ask you why they weren''t invited or get upset at you. (I hope that they wouldn''t be so bold as to say things like that, but at the same time they''re bold enough to indicate to you that they think they''re invited.)

By the way, "small and intimate" is really a matter of perception. I don''t think of our 100 guest wedding as being small by any means, but (a) it is too small and intimate to include acquaintances and coworkers, and (b) they don''t have to know that and it spares their feelings.
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 3, 2006
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9,613
I have exactly the same problem.

Both FI and I have large families and the wedding is 120 max.

I work for a political party and I''m a local councillor here in London. There are another 26 councillors from my party in my borough and I work with all of them They all have partners... Then there are loads of people that politically I should invite... Arrrrgghhhhh.

What we are doing is having close friends and family to the wedding and then a drinks party in London a few weeks later. As it will be August I hope loads of people will be on holiday and therefore unable to come - but I will have invited them.


I will send out STD''s with my xmas cards for the wedding and STD''s for the drinks after that.
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
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Jun 15, 2006
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We only invited 30 guests to our wedding. I am the youngest of 36 grandchildren on my dad''s side alone, so you can imagine how large my family is. When people stated they would like to come , and boy did they!, our response was: "We appreciate your wanting to join us on our wedding day, but have decided to keep it quite small. You will be there in our thoughts, though, as I am sure we will be in yours that day."
 

Officers girl

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Jan 16, 2007
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Date: 1/18/2007 4:38:20 PM
Author: KimberlyH
We only invited 30 guests to our wedding. I am the youngest of 36 grandchildren on my dad''s side alone, so you can imagine how large my family is. When people stated they would like to come , and boy did they!, our response was: ''We appreciate your wanting to join us on our wedding day, but have decided to keep it quite small. You will be there in our thoughts, though, as I am sure we will be in yours that day.''
That is a great response!! Its a classy way to deal with a tough situation.
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
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Date: 1/18/2007 6:22:18 PM
Author: Officers girl

Date: 1/18/2007 4:38:20 PM
Author: KimberlyH
We only invited 30 guests to our wedding. I am the youngest of 36 grandchildren on my dad''s side alone, so you can imagine how large my family is. When people stated they would like to come , and boy did they!, our response was: ''We appreciate your wanting to join us on our wedding day, but have decided to keep it quite small. You will be there in our thoughts, though, as I am sure we will be in yours that day.''
That is a great response!! Its a classy way to deal with a tough situation.
It took some refining. The first time I was asked was by one of my closest girfriends, we''ll call her J. My family is huge so we limited invites on my side to my parents, my sister and BIL, my aunts and uncles and that ended up being twice as many people as DH had on his guest list (he only has one living relative that is involved in his life, his mom); we started down the slippery slope of: I want to invite J and K, but if we do we''ll need to invite their significant others and then of course we''ll have to invite C and her significant other as well. And B and B are my favorite couple, so they have to come. And I can''t imagine inviting this group of friends and not including JB and S as I''ve known them longer and they''ve always been close to my parents even though the relationship has changed considerably over the last few years. And I am closest to B and B as far as couples go but I''m not close to my friends SO''s as they all live far away, so my relationships, while they are very special, are with the females only, so do I really want their SO''s to be there as we''re only invited people who have made a signinficant impact on our lives as individuals or as a couple.

The concept of small had started to make its way out the window. Oh my goodness, what a mess it could have turnedd into, and how completely inequitable it was becoming (things can''t always be fair, but the guest list needed to be as close to reasonably equal as we could possibly make it as I wasn''t aiming for a KimberlyH''s family and friends party with a bit of John''s family and friends lost in the mix!).

I got worked up about four things during the entire planning process:

1. The cost of my dress alterations (I spent more on that than the dress itself and it made me sick to my stomach when I first got the estimate.
2. The guest list. Namely, how to tell my closest girlfriends that I was only inviting my family.
3. Not being able to get ahold of the babysitter I had scheduled to watch my then 6 month old nephew during the reception so my sister and BIL could relax and stay as long as they pleased.
4. My house being hit by the tornado that is my sister on the morning of the wedding, when the babysitter I had finally gotten ahold of (the morning of the wedding) was to come over that evening and babysit my nephew. She had never been to my house and it looked like an absolute pig sty.

The only issue I overreacted to was the house being dirty. The rest of them I was able to say "if won''t matter in a year it doesn''t matter now" and then move on.

Anyways, back to my original point, the first time I had to say it was a bit upsetting, because I adore J and the rest of my friends, but I managed to find the right words, after putting some thought into it.
 

Cheekyprincess

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2006
Messages
133
If you are having the wedding in a church and a co-worker really wants to come, why not just tell them they are absolutely welcome at the church service, but you are very limited for the reception so cannot invite them to that. Provided the church is large enough of course. If they are truely interested in seeing your day then they should be happy with being invited to the ceremony- of course I wouldn''t bother with a formal invite.
 

flopkins

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 15, 2004
Messages
2,025
This happened to us a few times, and it is rather awkward. In fact I had a few friends that I hardly ever talk to (and usu make no effort ot talk to me) that ''suddenly'' wanted to meet up after I got engaged.

Anyway, I just dealt w/it by telling them that straight up that we can''t invite everyone we want to, and we''re trying ot keep it to close friends/family only... but if things open up (ie enough aunts/uncles from OOT can''t make it) then I''ll be sure and let them know. This way, a bunch of our friends that were on the ''B'' list actually knew they were on the ''B'' list, and weren''t offended when we gave out another round of invites later on. Most of them knew they weren''t *that* close to us so no hard feelings and almost all of them came and had a blast. Kind of a weird way of doing it, but our venue could only hold so many so I didnt'' want to break fire code!
 

Liquiddazi

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 25, 2006
Messages
159
This is kinda random, but it definitely involves co-workers being invited to weddings.

My best friend is getting married on Saturday and she has a horrible thing happen to her. Luckily, she is a sweet person and I am not as sweet as she is. She only invited about 5 of her co workers, which is a big deal when you are a nurse and you didn''t invite everyone in the unit or at least it is where I live... She told each of these people that there were the only ones invited and to keep it quiet because she was paying for the wedding and couldn''t afford to invite everyone. Well one of the people she invited, ended up copying the invite and placing it in the lodge. I felt that this was completely wrong on that persons part and she has a good idea of who did it, but won''t say anything.

Let''s just say when I get married, I will probably also keep my wedding very small due to this issue. I completely agree with KimberlyH about this. Just acknowledge what they said and politely tell them they can''t come. However, this is harder than said.

I hope this helps at least a little bit.
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
You invite who you want. Period. If someone is being funny, just sort of ignore it. If someone is really gauche enough to put you on the spot about it, just smile and say, Oh, how sweet, but I think our guest list is going to be quite small and really family only, but I will be sure to share photos with you!

No one should put you on the spot like that...
 
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