etiquette question

[Tacori E-ring]

We are going to a friend''s wedding in Vegas at the end of July. The bride has also become close to my MIL & FIL over the years and have invited them. My MIL is not a fan of Vegas and doesn''t have many vacation days so is not going to attend. She thinks it''s okay for my FIL to take my SIL instead. I kind of feel weird about that. After all it wasn''t addressed to FIL + guest. What do you ladies think?

 

[neatfreak]

If it wasn't addressed to "and guest" but instead your MIL's name, no it isn't appropriate to have him take someone else to the wedding.

 

[aprilcait]

You''re right, Tacori... it''s not appropriate. I agree with Neatfreak.

 

[Courtneylub]

On the other hand, if FIL doesn''t want to travel to Vegas alone, maybe he could ask to bring SIL instead of MIL. There was another thread about someone who didn''t attend a wedding because her husband was out of town and she knew it was bad etiquette to take a friend. The bride would''ve preferred that she ask to bring a different guest.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/6/2008 12:22:09 PM
Author: Courtneylub
On the other hand, if FIL doesn''t want to travel to Vegas alone, maybe he could ask to bring SIL instead of MIL. There was another thread about someone who didn''t attend a wedding because her husband was out of town and she knew it was bad etiquette to take a friend. The bride would''ve preferred that she ask to bring a different guest.

Again, my personal feeling on the matter is the same. FIL needs to put his big boy pants on and go by himself! He isn''t a child who needs someone to watch him... AND it isn''t like he doesn''t know anyone there, Tacori, sounds like you and hubs are going too right?

 

[Courtneylub]

Date: 6/6/2008 12:35:14 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 6/6/2008 12:22:09 PM
Author: Courtneylub
On the other hand, if FIL doesn''t want to travel to Vegas alone, maybe he could ask to bring SIL instead of MIL. There was another thread about someone who didn''t attend a wedding because her husband was out of town and she knew it was bad etiquette to take a friend. The bride would''ve preferred that she ask to bring a different guest.

Again, my personal feeling on the matter is the same. FIL needs to put his big boy pants on and go by himself! He isn''t a child who needs someone to watch him... AND it isn''t like he doesn''t know anyone there, Tacori, sounds like you and hubs are going too right?

Yeah I was just throwing out the other side. I believe whatever''s on the invitation is how it should be. I just know not everything is always black and white.

 

[choro72]

If they are close enough, I would say it's safe to ask, but he shouldn't do it without asking. That's my personal belief though.

ETA. My friend J got married last year at Vegas, and our common friend(K)'s wife couldn't make it so he brought his daughter instead. J didn't know about this and didn't care. My social circle is very relaxed though...

 

[ringster]

Date: 6/6/2008 2:46:05 PM
Author: choro72
If they are close enough, I would say it's safe to ask, but he shouldn't do it without asking. That's my personal belief though.

i agree with choro. i know as a bride, i would not mind if i was asked esp since it is not like he would be asking to bring an extra person. if it makes him more comfortable and for him to have a better time, i would be for it.

it's when people don't ask and when they want to bring more people than i've allocated to their invite, that i would be peeved.

threadjack : tacori, i loooove the tessa ring!! it's gorgeous and so special. great job!

 

[purrfectpear]

IMO an adult daughter can always sub for a mom, and go with her dad. If anyone was seriously peeved about that, then they must be awfully rigid

It''s not like he invited a golf buddy, a distant niece, or a coworker in his wife''s place. It''s their adult daughter. As a courtesy I would mention that my wife wasn''t able to attend and ask for the OK, but I can''t imagine a sane person saying no.

 

[cdt1101]

100% agree w/ puurfectpear....I don''t see what the big deal is as long as he does ask first. It''s not like he''s bringing an extra person. I had a couple of people ask to bring someone else instead the name on the invite, I personally was fine w/ it and honestly didn''t even feel they needed to ask me. It''s still 2 people, KWIM?

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/6/2008 3:28:50 PM
Author: cdt1101
100% agree w/ puurfectpear....I don''t see what the big deal is as long as he does ask first. It''s not like he''s bringing an extra person. I had a couple of people ask to bring someone else instead the name on the invite, I personally was fine w/ it and honestly didn''t even feel they needed to ask me. It''s still 2 people, KWIM?

Right, but many people don''t want random people at their wedding, me included. We invited who we invited for a reason and if they couldn''t come then I didn''t want to be introducing myself to people at our wedding ya know?

My point is that any adult should be able to go to a wedding by themselves. They shouldn''t need a playdate, that is why I think it''s weird. If the family is so close to the bride, then the bride probably would have invited the SIL too ya know?

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

If it wouldn''t be a big deal and if the couple gave the ok, its fine. I would NEVER do it without asking though.

My FI and would allow some subs and not others. For the most part we would be ok with it, but there are a few adult children of people invited from FI''s family who are not invited for a reason. I have no problem saying no however, so I would much rather they ask because if it isn''t increasing my numbers and they really want to come and won''t cause trouble, I would not mind at all.

I think it comes down to whether you think it would bother the bride. If so, just let it slide. If not, call and ask.

 

[Pandora II]

I would personally be very annoyed if anyone did a substitute without a) asking or b) letting me know at the very least.

Having spent a huge amount of time doing the seating plan so that I have matched up people who have interests etc in common, I would be pretty irritated to have to start redoing things.

I suppose it depends how far out it is from the wedding as well.

I''m another one who doesn''t want to invite people that either I or FI don''t know well or who we won''t still be seeing in 5 years time.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 6/6/2008 4:33:06 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 6/6/2008 3:28:50 PM
Author: cdt1101
100% agree w/ puurfectpear....I don''t see what the big deal is as long as he does ask first. It''s not like he''s bringing an extra person. I had a couple of people ask to bring someone else instead the name on the invite, I personally was fine w/ it and honestly didn''t even feel they needed to ask me. It''s still 2 people, KWIM?

Right, but many people don''t want random people at their wedding, me included. We invited who we invited for a reason and if they couldn''t come then I didn''t want to be introducing myself to people at our wedding ya know?

My point is that any adult should be able to go to a wedding by themselves. They shouldn''t need a playdate, that is why I think it''s weird. If the family is so close to the bride, then the bride probably would have invited the SIL too ya know?

I agree with Neatfreak. If the SIL wasn''t invited in the first place, there may be a reason for it. If she personally wasn''t invited, then I wouldn''t take her.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Thanks for all the replies. It was addressed to MIL and FIL. I am afraid they will want *ME* to ask since she is my good friend. But it makes me feel awkward. I think the question should come from them. Right? Truthfully I am not sure my SIL even WANTS to go to the wedding. She just wants to come to Vegas to hang out with us and see the baby. I think she wasn''t invited b/c they wanted a smaller wedding (not that they have anything against her).

ringster, thanks I love it too

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/7/2008 2:41:46 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Thanks for all the replies. It was addressed to MIL and FIL. I am afraid they will want *ME* to ask since she is my good friend. But it makes me feel awkward. I think the question should come from them. Right? Truthfully I am not sure my SIL even WANTS to go to the wedding. She just wants to come to Vegas to hang out with us and see the baby. I think she wasn''t invited b/c they wanted a smaller wedding (not that they have anything against her).


ringster, thanks I love it too

If someone is going to ask, it should be them. But why can''t SIL just come to Vegas, see the baby, and hang out with the baby while y''all are at the wedding? (Heck I''ll come to Vegas and hang out with Tessa, she is a doll!!!!)

It still makes me uncomfortable especially knowing the bride wants a small wedding...but if they are going to do it anyway, they need to ask IMO.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 6/7/2008 2:50:58 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 6/7/2008 2:41:46 PM

Author: Tacori E-ring

Thanks for all the replies. It was addressed to MIL and FIL. I am afraid they will want *ME* to ask since she is my good friend. But it makes me feel awkward. I think the question should come from them. Right? Truthfully I am not sure my SIL even WANTS to go to the wedding. She just wants to come to Vegas to hang out with us and see the baby. I think she wasn''t invited b/c they wanted a smaller wedding (not that they have anything against her).



ringster, thanks I love it too

If someone is going to ask, it should be them. But why can''t SIL just come to Vegas, see the baby, and hang out with the baby while y''all are at the wedding? (Heck I''ll come to Vegas and hang out with Tessa, she is a doll!!!!)


It still makes me uncomfortable especially knowing the bride wants a small wedding...but if they are going to do it anyway, they need to ask IMO.

You are sweet! I think that is SIL plan. It seems my MIL is the one that thinks that her daughter should go in her place. I mentioned it might be a problem since she wasn''t really invited and she said it should matter since they invited 2 people, 2 people should be able to go.

Makes me uncomfortable too b/c I don''t want to be rude to my ILs but I don''t want to be rude to my friend...when we invited my SIL to come I made it VERY clear I was not inviting her to the wedding, just to hang out with is for the long weekend. I am glad you guys don''t think I am overreacting.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

UPDATE: I asked SIL if she was even *interested* in coming to the wedding and she said she was not. So that''s that! Thanks for all your help though!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/8/2008 5:49:43 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
UPDATE: I asked SIL if she was even *interested* in coming to the wedding and she said she was not. So that''s that! Thanks for all your help though!

Hehe. That was easy! Who can blame her when the opposite choice is to hang with Tessa?