Etiquette Question for Engagement Party v. Wedding Invites

[krockie]

Because of our budget, our wedding is limited to about 100 people. My fiance has a huge family, so we have to be really selective about what friends we can invite. Unfortunately, to make space for our best friends, we have to leave out our work friends.

My family wants to throw us a late engagement-early shower party in June, just something casual in their backyard (actual wedding is in October). Given that we know we can''t invite our work friends to the wedding, is it wrong to invite them to the late engagement-early shower party? I don''t see this as a "give me presents" kind of thing, but rather that I''d really like to celebrate with them, but know that it can''t be at our actual wedding.

Do people who go to engagement parties expect to also be invited to the wedding? Is it rude to invite my work friends to the party and then not to the wedding? They are all very aware of my budget issues and the size of the venue, etc so I doubt they would be offended... What do I do?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

YES! I would be VERY put off if I was invited to the engagement party but NOT the wedding!

 

[KimberlyH]

I too, would find it offensive to be invited to an engagement party but not the wedding. Whether or not your intention is to recieve gifts, it would appear that way to most people.

If you want to celebrate with them, wait until after the wedding and throw a housewarming party, or something in that vein, at your home.

 

[sumbride]

I agree that people invited to the engagement party should expect to be invited to the wedding, but if it''s being thrown for you by someone else, you may not have complete control over the guest list.

Of course, my mom has a different take on this and I''m trying hard to talk her out of it.

She sent out engagement party invites, and anybody that doesn''t respond at all is OFF the wedding guest list. Kind of silly, really. Hopefully she''ll reconsider.

 

[larussel03]

For our engagement party, we only invited the bridal party and immediate family. It kept it easy, and no one who wasn't invited was offended. We just didn't want to make a huge thing of it.

I wouldn't invite people to the e party that you don't invite to teh wedding though. They will def expect a wedding invite

 

[Pandora II]

FI and I had an engagement party on 14th Feb this year - wedding is 26th July 08. We invited pretty much all our friends in London, but no relatives. Most of the people invited won''t be coming to the wedding as we can only have 120 and families are BIG!

However, we are having a London party a week after the wedding for all the people we can''t invite. We absolutely don''t want any gifts - just to celebrate with friends and work colleagues.

All our friends know our situation and aren''t worried at all that they won''t be coming to the actual wedding - most hate Valentines and thought it was great going to a party that night instead.

Mind you, FI went on a stag weekend last month for his ex-flat mate. They got married last Saturday and only had 12 people there so only the Best Man went fom the stag party. Were we offended? No way, FI had fun with his friend and I''m just so happy for both of them.

 

[onedrop]

A friend of mine''s aunt held an engagement party for her just after she got engaged. At that time both the bride and groom were students at the same law school, as was I. And many of the attendees of the engagement party were also students at the same school, however most of them were not invited to the wedding. I''d always heard that if there is a bridal shower then all of those guests should also be invited to the wedding, I haven''t heard the same about engagement parties.

 

[FireGoddess]

It is expected that anyone invited to the engagement party would be invited to the wedding. If you told your work friends ahead of time that you can''t invite them to the wedding for whatever reason, but want them to be a part of it and invite them to the engagement party - it would be up to them whether or not they felt put off by that. But typically you would invite the same people to both.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 4/4/2007 2:41:30 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I too, would find it offensive to be invited to an engagement party but not the wedding. Whether or not your intention is to recieve gifts, it would appear that way to most people.

If you want to celebrate with them, wait until after the wedding and throw a housewarming party, or something in that vein, at your home.

Of all the ideas offered I like this one the best. Do something after the wedding to include those that you weren''t able to invite, but want to show them they are special to you.

 

[So_happy]

Can you have a party but call it something totally different.........like "a summer barbecue"? Then, there is definitley no pressure for presents AND you can invite any person your heart desires

 

[DiamondSeeker7]

this is a response from theknot.com ediquette Q&A

Q. Who gets invited to the engagement party?

A. Everyone who is invited to the engagement party should ultimately be invited to the wedding. (If you don''t invite engagement party guests to the wedding, they may wonder what they did at the first party to insult you!) There are, however, two exceptions to this rule: if your engagement party guest list will be significantly larger than your wedding day guest list, or if your party is being hosted by an outside party -- someone who has no idea who will be included on your wedding guest list.

If you''re planning an intimate wedding for just family, but would like to celebrate your engagement with all your friends, by all means, have a big engagement party. Word will get out that your wedding is going to be family-only, and no one should feel hurt. Or if you have a well-meaning host who, for example, invites everyone at your office (and you have no intention of inviting any of them to your wedding), it''s okay to stick to a smaller wedding guest list. Most coworkers should not be expecting an invitation to the wedding anyway.

Hope this helps!

 

[krockie]

Thank you everyone! I knew this would be a tough issue to decide, and I got some great ideas. Its looking like the date we wanted to do it will not work for much of our families, and we may scrap the whole idea.

Thanks again!