Etiquette Q - gifts received before the wedding

[Independent Gal]

Etiquetticians! I need you!

Am I right that:

1) Thank you notes should be sent within a couple of weeks of receiving a gift before the wedding, and

2) Thank you notes, while on behalf of the couple, are signed by and written by the bride (or groom) only (as in, not by both)?

And if the gift in question is a cheque, can it be deposited when it is received, or is it polite to wait until the wedding?

 

[julabean]

Indy, I think you are right that the thank you notes should be sent right after the you receive the wedding present. Sure, it may be a wedding present, and you might not be getting married for a few months, but I am a FIRM believer than a punctual thank you note is needed. It gives you less work later because you already did it and you can give the giver the peace of mind that the present arrived in good condition and you're already enjoying it. That's my take, anyway. For a check, I'd deposit it when you received it to...I hate when you're waiting for a check to cash and it is just hanging in limbo!

I'm not sure about the writing part. I do all of your thank you notes because, well, FI's family doesn't DO thank you notes. I may have him sign ours, I'm not sure.

I'm not a hard core etiquette person, though, so I could be wrong!

 

[Haven]

1) Correct, in fact thank you letters should be sent as soon as possible after receiving a gift.

2) Correct. Most people do not follow this one, and Judith Martin says something hilarious about it in her book--let me get it.

The question was about whether a newly-married bride can use stationery that is engraved with both names, and with whose name does she close. The answer:

"Miss Manners understands the temptation to use informal cards or notes for this occassion, because they have less space on them to fill, and to sign both names. However, this must be resisted. The letters shoudl be written on letter paper which may be engraved with her married name. They should be signed only by the letter writer. Otherwise, the day will come when Mrs. Awful starts signing her letters "Love from Kimberly, Rhino, Lisa, Adam, Jason, Kristen and Fido," and at least one of them is not going to have authorized the sentiment. It is perfectly acceptable for her to write "Rhino loves the electric shrimp deveiner" without consulting Rhino." (439)

And finally, yes, please deposit the check when you receive it, this is the correct thing to do.

 

[Independent Gal]

Thanks Ladies! That is indeed funny, Haven. I don't want to become that woman.

Well, the RSVP (cheque enclosed!) was retrieved from the mailbox at 9pm. The thank you was written by 9:30, and will be posted tomorrow by 7am. So if that ain't punctual, I don't know what is!

I am SUPER-BRIDE! Well, for the moment anyhow.

In terms of cheques, this one was written out to both FI and I, but it's in a currency that only I have an account in. Does anyone know whether cheques made out to a couple can be deposited in a single-name account? Anyone have any experience with this?

I suppose I had just better call the bank tomorrow, come to think of it, since it might not b the same as in the US anyway.

 

[ByGoneEraBride]

1. Etiquette states that any gift recieved before the wedding has approximately two weeks to send a "thank you" to be ''proper.'' It''ll be easier on yourself anyways.
2. Any other gifts you get you have about 4 weeks.
3. Deposit it, for a few reasons - one is that person wants to balance their checkbook! *laughs* And they obviously wanted you to have it so that you could use it, and you certainly can use it right now, right?
4. The etiquette on signing is this...a long long time ago, that was a woman''s job (note writing, letter writing, etc.). We are in the year 2008 and etiquette states that you do what makes you happy. I personally think its rude not to say thank you from the husband, as he too, is partaking in the gifts. But this last one is up for interpretation. As long as you don''t sign "....aaannnddd Fido." you are fine. Ask your hubby what he''d like. Personally, I''d be mad if my husband didn''t sign my name on the thank yous, because I am certainly thank you for everything we have gotten.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Okay, I am not sure if it is proper etiquette but here is what we did.

Since we used a wedding photo AS our Thank you cards unless we got the gift insanely early, I waited until after the wedding to use the photo. I hand wrote all of them and signed DH''s name for him. I cashed checks right away unless it had my married name. I always thought that was the polite thing to do (for people balancing their check books and such).

 

[gtn]

Indy, to answer your question about depositing the check. If the check is written to Indy and Mr. Indy, both of you need to sign it. If the check is written to Indy or Mr. Indy, than only one party need to sign it. Assuming the value of the check is less than $500, the bank won''t put up a stink. At least that is what I have been told about the matter and if you are outside of California, than I can''t say for sure.

The other are correct about the etiquette part.

 

[violet02]

My wedding isn''t until October and I JUST got our first wedding gift! I was planning on ordering matching Thank you Cards but my invitations aren''t even ready yet at this point. What should I do? Wait until they are ready (April) buy some ''filler'' cards?

Do you thank you cards even need to match? I wanted to at least do something cool if not matching rather than buy a box at the store.

 

[cara]

1) Write the thank-you note right away, on whatever stationary you have that is appropriate. (ie. no married name stationary until married, doesn''t have to be a formal "thank-you" card that matches the invite.) If you let it build up until you are back from honeymoon it will be much more daunting, and it is polite to let people know their gift has arrived in a timely fashion.

Miss Manners also has something clever to say on the timeliness of thank-you notes. I don''t have the book so I''m going to have to paraphase/maul, but it is something to the effect of "Write it before the thrill has worn off, but you may wait for any initial disappointment to wane, provided not more than 20 minutes elapses until you begin your composition."

I wasn''t that good by any means, but that is the standard.

2) I think the fair thing to do is to split the thanking duties, such that the groom thanks his family, friends, and share of joint friends, while the bride does her half. Assuming there is a more modern division of labor in the marriage than the days when the wife was responsible for all social correspondence...

(Though my cousin''s wife tried to impose this and the result was that I was never thanked in writing for my gift! She did effusively thank me in person, and apologize for her husband, but not for her thank-you note sharing decision, which I fully supported...)

 

[Independent Gal]

The thank you note (from me only

) is in the mail.

I called my bank in the homeland, and they said there is no way to put the cheque in the bank unless we have a joint account, and he has to be physically present to have his name put on my account. So, we can''t cash the cheque until April. Phooey.

D-R-A-G

 

[Independent Gal]

Oh, and violet no your thank you cards most certainly do not have to match. In fact, in my humble opinion, the less that's matchy-matchy the better! Just find some nice stationery and that is just fine! It doesn't even have to say "thank you" on it.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Etiquette says that you should not cash a cheque before sending the thank you note. However, most people write cheque at a time they know the balance will clear, and "hanging" on to the cheque benefits neither you or them. If you have mailed out the thank you, then sit on the cheque for a couple of days, after which I would feel comfortable depositing it.

Also, when my husband and I were dealing with the issue of depositing/cashing wedding cheques, the bank (for which my husband works) was very strict that we were both on the account, and that we both signed the check (I was required to sign the check with a madien-married signature, since my last name had not been changed). We also had to show proof of marriage, i.e: our wedding certificate, and each had to show photo I.D''s with our current (un-married) name. It sounds like more of a process than it truly is, since all of the above is easily accomplished during one visit if you''re well prepared. I would suggest contacting the bank that you''re depositing the cheque into, explain the situation, and allow them to further direct your actions.

1. In my world, it is mandatory to send a thank you note out immediately after receiving a gift. I like to do so right after I open it so that my happiness and excitement will still fresh and I can convey that to them in a present-tense as opposed to doing so in bulk when I run the risk of feeling overwhelmed with the task and am less than likely to personalize each thank you.

2. I write each thank you note, and use a very simple salutation like "Hugs, Ashley & Mark" or "Sincerely, Ashley & Mark" for gifts that we recieved as a couple, ie: wedding gifts. I also make a point of using words like "us" and "we" to show that we both enjoy their kindess and consideration. However, for my bridal shower, and personal shower, I did sign only "Ashley" since, while the gift was for both my husband and I, it was my "party" and ergo my responsiblity to convey my personal gratitude.

Hope that helps...planning and exicuting a wedding can be a daunting task, and it''s so important that a bride me the picture of class from start to finish!

 

[Independent Gal]

Hi Italia,

The thank you note is already in the mail. The cheques will almost all be in a foreign currency (I only have a small handful of American relatives and he has none), so we have to wait until we're in the relevant country to deposit them anyway, so there's not doubt the thank you will get there first.

Especially since we now have to wait until FI is there with me (April) before anything could be done.

I am not changing my name, so that should be OK. But we'll be sure to get a list of the documents he'll need to have his name added to my account before we fly there. Cause wow, would that EVER suck if he forgot something.

I wrote the note "we are so grateful" "we intend to use the gift for" but then signed it "Indy." My guess is, it doesn't really matter when push comes to shove, but if it saves my having to get him to sign them all, then that's one less hassle.

I agree with Cara that it would sure be nice if he wrote some, but I'm guessing, like with her cousin, that that would mean they don't get written. Maybe I could get us a bottle of scotch or something and we could just sit down with the scotch, adn write them all, together, in one go. But we'd have to be careful whose got written last, once the bottle was a little lower.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hahaha. Thank you notes drinking games.

We need a thread on this.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Just an extra thought...

How well do you know the people that sent you the cheque? If you are comfortable with them, I would consider phoning to let them know that there will be a delay in the depositing of the cheque. I know this sounds weird, but personally, when I write a cheque, I pretty much assume that the cheque will be cashed within a day or two, and considering your circumstances and also that you have already sent out the thank you note (good for you, btw), you might want to let the guest know that you will in fact be holding onto the cheque for a couple of months due to your fiance being out of the country. I think, if I were that person, I''d appreciate the heads up. just so I would know that a) The cheque wasn''t lost and b) Have it in my mind that there was a pending cheque out there...after all, maybe they''re the type to spend their account down to pennies before depositing more currency, you just never ever know!

 

[violet02]

Date: 2/1/2008 4:13:18 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Oh, and violet no your thank you cards most certainly do not have to match. In fact, in my humble opinion, the less that''s matchy-matchy the better! Just find some nice stationery and that is just fine! It doesn''t even have to say ''thank you'' on it.

Ordering some inexpensive ones from somewhere like wedding paper divas with your name on it seem nice though...

This topic reminds me... my friends got married last October 27th... they registered for honeymoons, dishes etc. A bunch of us bought them gifts just before the wedding. They went on their honeymoon for three weeks afterwards, got back around thanksgiving. I''ve seen them a few time since then and none of us have received a thank you card. It''s her second wedding too! I''m wondering if I should make a jokey comment to her about it. We just had an engagement party and I had the thank you cards for that sent out a day later.

 

[Independent Gal]

Violet I wouldn''t say anything, but not a big fan of the long delay either. The big thing is, guests start to wonder whether their gift even arrived safely. I''m still waiting for even a verbal acknowledgement (which is plenty for me!) that a gift we sent last July was received. we sent some years of a New Yorker subscription, so I guess I could just call Conde Nast and make sure it is being delivered.

 

[violet02]

They registered for a honeymoon (aka cash), so we know they got it. I''m just suprised we didn''t get a note. Doens''t seem polite. An acknowledgement that they received our gift and a thank you would be nice. Even in person! I made the bride some jewelry after the fact and she thanked me for that just none of the rest of us for anything else. You''d think someone that''d been married twice, both fancy weddings would at least be on the ball about that.

I love giving gifts and I love seeing that it makes people happy. Even a small note makes me feel that they recognized my gift and it made them happy. I am DYING to ask what happened though.I''m pretty good friends with the groom. I bet I could ask him, hehe.

 

[Independent Gal]

I agree, Violet. At the very least a verbal, heartfelt thank you is nice.

Italia just saw your post. It''s a great suggestion for a close relative or friend. But it''s a cheque from my grammy''s best friend... not someone I would ever call under normal circumstances. So I think what I will do is mention it to my Grammy. That way, if her friend seems concerned, Grammy can tell her what the situation is. Also, she can just outright mention it if she thinks it''s appropriate. This lady is elderly, easy to offend, and rather rich. Elderly and easy to offend means that I don''t want to cause her any extra hassle or embarass her. Rich means that I''m certain she doesn''t need to balance her account down to the last couple of hundred. So I think letting Grammy handle it is the best way to go!

Thanks for the idea!