Estranged Parent ?

[Lauren8211]

Ok, so I''m torn on this situation. My parents got divorced when I was 6, i had a very limited relationship with my dad until maybe age 10. Then I didn''t hear from him or see him until 19, and then again until about 25. He tended to disappear, had a lot of problems with alcohol, but my brother and I are not entirely convinced it was all his decision not to have a relationship with us.

As I''m sure some of you know, I just got married. My mom feels very strongly that I should email/call/write to tell my dad that I''ve gotten married. She thinks it would be the nice/right thing to do. I think it just sounds mean. I mean, would he really want to know that I was married and that he wasnt there?

I don''t have any desire to have any further relationship with him, so should I just leave it alone? Or does he have a right to know?

Thanks!

 

[movie zombie]

if he wanted to know, he''d have kept up a relationship with you. he''ll pop us some day and you can tell him then. i don''t think he has any expectations. i''m surprised your mother does.

mz

 

[kama_s]

*sigh* I think sometimes it's just best to let sleeping dogs lie. And I say this from personal experience (my entire family is estranged from my mother).

I'm sure you had your reasons for not inviting him to your wedding. Personally, I would have either tried to contact him before the wedding, or not at all. I have to agree with you, letting him know you are married a week or two after your wedding would definitely cause more harm than good.

 

[february2003bride]

It''s your decision what you want your father to know and not know. My best friend has a family member that she doesn''t even want him to know her address. While your mother may feel it would be nice for him to know, that''s entirely your decision.

 

[tlh]

Congrats on your wedding!!!!

I agree with feb03bride and movie zombie. It is entirely your decision. When he pops up again, if he ever does, you can give him the update... as it appears he random visits come by every half decade or so. A lot can happen in that time.

You also stated that you aren''t sure it was entirely his decision not to be a part of your life. I''m not going to try to stir the pot, but when people want something badly enough, they''ll fight for it. If he had wanted to be a bigger part of your life - he would have been... through letters, visits, or w/ current technology - email. It doesn''t take much to create a life - but it takes A LOT to raise one. You don''t owe him a thing. I''m confused at why your mother thinks you need to tell him... did you create wedding announcements (to mail out to those who weren''t invited to the wedding but might want to know?) you could mail him one of those if you wanted. It does seem though that you chose to not invite him... and there was a reason for that. I''d just let it be...

 

[MagsyMay]

If your mother cares so much about your father knowing, then perhaps she should have suggested telling him before the wedding (or told him herself if they still maintain any communication). It doesn''t appear from your post that the issue ever came up prior to the wedding, so I don''t really understand why it should come up after the wedding. Did you have an announcement in your local newspaper or anything of the sort that he may have already seen (if he lives in the area) or do you have any reason to believe he has heard the news through other relatives/family friends?

I think you should do what you feel most comfortable with. After all, it is your father and it was your wedding. I don''t think your mother should be the one in charge of this decision (although perhaps her suggestion is out of guilt because she may have had a part in why he has not maintained contact with you through the years?).

FWIW, my FI is estranged (or something like that!) from his father and we do not plan on telling him before the wedding, inviting him to the event, or telling him after the wedding.

 

[gemgirl]

If you really don''t have any desire to have a future relaitonship with him, I wouldn''t bother trying to get in touch with him. It might hurt you more than spreading the news is worth.

 

[Novel]

Date: 10/23/2009 1:41:25 PM
Author: gemgirl
If you really don''t have any desire to have a future relaitonship with him, I wouldn''t bother trying to get in touch with him. It might hurt you more than spreading the news is worth.

Yes. I have some experience with this, too (not the marriage part, congrats!, but the parent part) and I think its not about what he has a right to know or might want to know. Its more self preservation, I think. What do you want him to know? What will help you get where you want/need to be with him? You have to protect yourself and act in your and your close family''s best interest, not his.

I think this sounds harsh, but I would only do it if I were doing it for me.

 

[Lauren8211]

Thanks for your advice everyone. I guess I kind of already knew my answer, but I just wanted to make sure I wasn''t missing something.

MZ - That''s what I think. I feel like my mom has some alterior motive or something. Why would she care so much about telling him when I havent had any relationship in years, and my mom literally has not seen him 20!

kama - agreed. He wasnt invited because I have NO relationship with him. It would be bizarre if he were invited. He had no idea I was even dating anyone, let alone engaged, where I went to school, what my interests are, or who my friends are. It was a no-brainer, really. I feel like its a bad move to get in touch, also.

feb2003 - Absolutely. I just wanted to make sure I wasn''t being selfish or missing some huge point. I don''t see the point in telling him, and it seems most people on PS agree.

tlh - Thanks! I dont think i''ll send an announcement - i dont even have his address. I agree he could have fought for a relationship if he really wanted one. I''m an adult now, my mom doesn''t control me anymore, and he could call me today if he truly wanted it.

magys - Yeah I don''t know why my mother even DOES care. It actually seems mean to call him at this point. We put no announcements out or anything, so he would not have heard the news. I don''t talk to any of my dad''s side of the family. I wonder about the guilt aspect also... if she had anything to do with it. Like your FI''s father, I hadn''t planned on informing him of any of this, and my mom kind of came out of left field with the suggestion.

gemgirl - I truly don''t have any desire for a relationship. I will leave it alone.

novel - thanks for the congrats! I''m so neutral on the topic, thats why I wanted advice. I dont care if he knows or not, I just thought it would be really hurtful to hear from me "Hi dad, haven''t talked in years, just thought i''d let you know I got married. Bye" Ouch!

 

[DianaBanana]

My step sisters were estranged from my step mother (and so from all of us) for years, even kept the grandchildren from her and my dad. When my step mom died in a car accident this January, they were devastated....full of guilt and remorse, ashamed to show up to the funeral. The best advice I can give to anyone is to never leave anything left unsaid, if you (not your mom) feel like you want to communicate your happy news, do it!! If you want to communicate your hurt or anger, go ahead and do that too!

In the words of John Mayer...."say what you need to saaayyyyy....say what you need to saaayyyyy".

 

[Lilac]

I think if you had felt the urge to tell him you would have done it before the wedding. If you have no relationship with him then I don't see a reason to contact him now. If he had wanted to have a relationship with you then he would have stayed in contact with you - at this point, I personally would just leave it alone (unless YOU want to get in touch with him). Don't do it just because your mom thinks it might be the "right" thing to do.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Congrats on getting married! I am so sorry you have an estranged relationship with your dad. What do YOU want? Do you want to try to start/maintain a relationship with him? I wouldn''t just contact him to tell him if that''s the only interaction you want. Also I suggest trying an al-anon meeting to deal with any issues you may have about your father. I think you would find it very helpful.

Good luck.

 

[TooPatient]

It ate my post. I''ll try again.


B has an estranged daughter. Hasn''t seen her since she was about 15. Been about 10 years.

His mother hears from her sometimes and thinks it is good to pass on updates to B.
It hurts him so bad. He is visibly upset for a week or more sometimes.

He DOES NOT want to see her again. EVER.


Don''t tell him. All it would do is hurt him and you.


ETA: I haven''t spoken to my father in about 5 years. It hurts sometimes, but I have no intention of changing that. The last time I made an effort at having a relationship with him I just got hurt. Again.

 

[lyra]

I''d leave it alone. It doesn''t further anything at all to reach out and make that announcement. He doesn''t have to be a part of your life at all.

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 10/23/2009 1:54:48 PM
Author: elledizzy5

That''s what I think. I feel like my mom has some alterior motive or something. Why would she care so much about telling him when I havent had any relationship in years, and my mom literally has not seen him 20!

My honest first reaction was to think that maybe she knows this will hurt him (which is the point) or that it''s yet another one-upmanship thing.

A few of my friends from divorced parents have horror stories about the lengths each of them will go to in the name of ''winning'' a little battle in the bitterness war. I''ve been astonished how long after the parting that can continue to be a focus.

One of my friends believed right up until she married at 32 that her parents wouldn''t ever be in the same room when she married. Her mother refused to come to high school/college graduations because her ex would be there, and he seemed to take pride in his ability to ''deny'' her participation in the experience by going himself.

 

[Kaleigh]

Congrats on your marriage.

To me, I would only give him an update if you want contact with him. He''s the one who should have maintained contact with you, his daughter all these years.

It could cause more pain than it''s worth. I don''t know what his current situation is... But to me, if he was in a better place and dealing with his issues, he would have contacted you to apologize for being out of your life when you needed him most...

If it were me, I wouldn''t contact him, but that''s just me.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 10/23/2009 4:31:39 PM
Author: Allison D.

Date: 10/23/2009 1:54:48 PM
Author: elledizzy5

That's what I think. I feel like my mom has some alterior motive or something. Why would she care so much about telling him when I havent had any relationship in years, and my mom literally has not seen him 20!

My honest first reaction was to think that maybe she knows this will hurt him (which is the point) or that it's yet another one-upmanship thing.

My mother also tried to get me to talk to my estranged father when I was engaged. I immediately knew it was an alterior motive (if you're familiar with any of my older posts about my mother then you know she's full of them). It was almost as if she wanted to rub in his face that despite the fact he wasn't there she still raised me to be a productive member of society. I didn't take her advice and call him, but we coincidentally reconnected before the wedding anyway. Now I ONLY talk to him. lol.

My mother tried pulling the same stunt with me concerning someone else; a friend that she had lost touch with several years ago after a big fight. She kept begging me to invite her to the wedding, claiming that the friend was such a big part of my life growing up. True, but it reaked of desperation. My mother was clearly looking to reconnect with her friend through me. And seeing as how I hadn't seen that friend in close to 6 years, it would have been weird for me to call her and be like, "Hey!". No thank you.

However, one thing I've noticed in estranged relationships is that fear of rejection increases as time goes by. Your father may want to contact you but is scared that you will reject him. My father was the same way. It's also one of the reasons why I wouldn't call my mother's friend. So much time had gone by that it would be awkward and uncomfortable. If you really don't care to ever have a relationship with your father I would let it go, but if you indifferent or open to the idea of a relationship it might be worth it to consider making the first move. Life is definitely too short. I will never forget when my step-grandfather died (my only father figure) and his estranged daughter showed up to the funeral a total wreck bawling her eyes out because she hadn't been in contact with him for years. She really did miss out, as he was a great man.

I'm not trying to influence you either way, it's just something to think about. I stopped talking to my mother 5 months ago, but it was a very toxic relationship and I think she needs to work on some things before I'll let her back in my life. I never had a toxic relationship with my father, he just wasn't there. He was young when I was born (1 and was a ladies' man. He, too, had problems with alcohol when I was growing up. But I can say that it's been nice getting to "know" him over these last couple of years.

 

[Tuckins1]

I had a similar experience as far as my father not really being around for a LONG time... We had patched things up and were able to have a relationship before I got married, but if it had continued to be the way it was- I would not have bothered to even send him a letter. I''m sure he would have heard form some other member of the family, but it wouldn''t have come from me.

 

[LGK]

Elle, my relationship with my father is about the same. I've been living with my husband for 14 years and my father has met him once. I actually, after MUCH internal debate, sent an invite to my dad when I got married. For years I had no clue if he even got it, I got no response from him.

When I spoke to him years later, was that he was insulted that I sent it. He felt it was an "afterthought". (Since I've seen him all of 1 time since I was 16, I'm really not sure what he was expecting? Plus, since he was living at various homeless shelters it's not like I could track him down in person, if I had had ANY desire to do so.) It ticked me off to hear that since I'd agonized for months over whether or not to send it. I think, in hindsight, it would have been better all around to just let him hear from the family grapevine that I'd married.

I would just let it it go, especially as you say you don't want to change the status quo. I don't think you should feel obligated to reconcile with estranged parents, despite the horror/shock you tend to get from most people when they hear you have an estranged parent. Usually there's a very good reason we don't speak to them, and it's better to leave things as they are unless there's some huge reason to reconcile.

I definitely empathize, for what it's worth.

 

[sba771]

I am really sorry you are going through this. I am also estranged from my father. I did try to contact him about my wedding and even involve him...including the wedding stuff and over the last 5 years he has done nothing but hurt me over and over despite my trying. I finally, through some help in therapy, have cut him out 100% and he will not see my wedding pictures, know when he has grandchildren etc...This is hard in my case because one of my 2 brothers still has a relationship. I am currently dealing with my brother''s upcoming wedding where my father will be there. I had to make my brothers swear not to tell my dad anything about me. Its hard, but for me, the pain was just so awful every time he let me down that it was easier to just have nothing to do with him. I finally had to stop listening to what everyone else was telling me to do and do what was right for me and my new family.
I am sorry you have to be in a position to even contemplate anything with your dad.

 

[jewelerman]

Date: 10/23/2009 12:14:21 PM
Author:elledizzy5
Ok, so I''m torn on this situation. My parents got divorced when I was 6, i had a very limited relationship with my dad until maybe age 10. Then I didn''t hear from him or see him until 19, and then again until about 25. He tended to disappear, had a lot of problems with alcohol, but my brother and I are not entirely convinced it was all his decision not to have a relationship with us.

As I''m sure some of you know, I just got married. My mom feels very strongly that I should email/call/write to tell my dad that I''ve gotten married. She thinks it would be the nice/right thing to do. I think it just sounds mean. I mean, would he really want to know that I was married and that he wasnt there?

I don''t have any desire to have any further relationship with him, so should I just leave it alone? Or does he have a right to know?

Thanks!

Theres no need to rush....tell him when he is in contact with you next.He has set the relationship boundries and so when he calls next then mention it to him.Calling him will just show that you have a desire to grow the relationship and it sounds like the both of you are happy where you are...a casual no commitment relationship.Your mom should stand back and evaluate why she feels so strongly about the situation.Relationships are a two way street and you dont need any more disapointment after investing your time where it wont be respected or returned.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Sorry, I haven''t read the responses, so hopefully I''m not repeating another person. . .but, if you do write/call and your father doesn''t respond the way you had hoped, you''re setting yourself up for major hurt. Don''t do it.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I just say this thread now...

Elle I have exactly the same relationship with my father that you have. No contact from age 5 to 15, then minimal contact from about 18 to 21, then little or no contact until now. He does not have alcohol problems but I suspect mental health issues.

My father did not attend our wedding and he has not met my husband. I did not tell him that I was pregnant and I have not intrduced him to our son. He is a facebook friend, though, so he knows about these events.

I really feel that family is not about blood, it is about time and investment and relationships, none of which I have with my father. My choice is not to have contact with him right now because he presumes too much when I see him, and he has never really acknowledged his past behaviour, so I feel like he doesn''t "deserve" to know me and enjoy my accomplishments in life. I know that this sounds selfish to some, but I feel like he made his bed and now he must lie in it. Some day I will get in touch with him again, and I think sometims of introducing him to my son. But right now I honestly adopt the approach of thinking *only* of myself and my feelings when I try to decide what I want to do with my relationship with him. This works well for me, and I feel like it is a comfortable level of non-involvement. So I think that you should do what you want and not worry about him, or your mom, or anyone else''s opinions in this matter.

As an aside, my mom also feels guilty that I don''t have a relationship with my dad and still occassionally urges me to have one. I think she feels bad that she didn''t try harder to keep him in my life. Maybe that is partly your moms motivation? I know my mom wishes my father had been around for me, and hopes that one day he will be. When she suggests things I just say that I am not interested given our history, and she generally accepts it.

 

[Lauren8211]

Wow. I haven''t been back to this thread in a bit. Thanks everyone for your advice and support!

I guess my biggest issue with this whole situation is how *neutral* I feel about it. I''m just numb about it. I honestly don''t care if he knows or doesn''t know, and I don''t feel like he can really hurt me either way (Ok maybe a few years of therapy might prove differently, but for now, this is how I feel!

) So I guess I just wasn''t sure whether he should know or not. Certainly he does not deserve to know, but I have a penchant for giving people 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th chances. So if I thought it was a kind move to tell him, I would do it. In this particular situation, it just seems downright mean. I question my mother''s motives for pushing me to do it. She''s even recruited my brother to tell him. She asked him to call him because "he should know."

I agree with you dreamer that family is not about blood. It never has been for me. I don''t feel any obligation to fix him or my relationship with him. I was just trying to be nice.

Maybe that''s silly.

Either way, I''m leaving it alone. If he wants to know what is going on in my life, he can make the effort.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I think maybe *before* the wedding you could have let him know, but if you didn''t think to include him in it, why bother mentioning it now? He doesn''t need to know that information.