Ering blues....

[redhead02]

Hi all. Sorry that this is a long one. Well, the BF and I went out looking at rings for the second time, and that makes 2 for 2 that we''ve ended up in a huge fight about it.

He''s basically really bitter about the diamond industry and how much things cost. He''s really anti-establishment on this particular subject. Originally he wanted to get me moissanite, as a way of thumbing our noses at the diamond industry. But I also couldn''t see paying a bunch of money for something that essentially doesn''t really have any value. We talked about alternative precious stones, but at the end of the day, I guess I do more or less want a diamond. I think they''re beautiful.

We decided that we''d go looking to get ideas, start getting an idea of how much things cost. I unfortunately had already thought a lot about the kind of setting I wanted, but agreed that we''d try to find something we BOTH liked. Totally reasonable.

Problem has been, that we''ve disagreed on everything. He likes emerald cuts, I hate them. He hates having diamonds in the band of the ring at all - he doesn''t even want the wedding band to have any diamonds in it. I tried to ask if it could be a little more than just a diamond on a plain band - and seriously not because I want something expensive, I just was hoping for something a little unique.

He finally decided that he liked 3 stone rings, but then freaked out at how expensive 3 stone rings can be. What''s frustrating me is that the ring I like would be far less expensive, but I guess he just doesn''t like the design.

At any rate, today on the way home he got into this big rant over how isn''t the ring supposed to be the expression of what the guy likes and is proud to put on your finger. He made the comment, "if you''re ready to make this sort of step in your life and relationship, isn''t it a little silly to say that you have to save up an extra year for a ring before you can do it?" It really hurt me, because I''m not asking him to spend a lot. I''d rather pick a reasonable number and then just get as close as possible to the idea that I had mind.

We decided that he''s just going to go forward with the ring entirely on his own, without any additional input from me. I told him to spend whatever he thinks is reasonable, and get whatever he wants.

At the end of the day, I''m going to be ecstatic that he proposes and wear whatever it is with pride as a symbol of his love for me. I''m fairly equally sure, that privately I won''t like the ring. We just have totally opposite tastes. I guess I just wanted to come here for one last whine and see if I wasn''t alone. Has anyone else ended up truly disliking their ring?

 

[emdash]

I''m sorry you''re hurting!

What are your thoughts on buying secondhand? That way you could find a nice diamond at a good price AND he''d still be bucking the trend/satisfying his antiestablishment urges.

 

[iheartscience]

Wow. Your boyfriend sounds like a real prize!

Do you realize he''s making the entire engagement about HIM? HE doesn''t like the diamond industry so HE doesn''t want to get you a real diamond even though that''s what you want. Now HE doesn''t want to get you the diamond you want and HE doesn''t even want to get you the wedding band you want. He wants to get you a ring that HE wants other people to see. Seriously?

Now to your actual question: you''re the one who''s going to wear the ring-his tastes don''t matter at all, in my opinion. Why do his tastes trump yours when you''re the only one who will be wearing the ring?

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 3/13/2010 8:27:15 PM
Author: thing2of2
Wow. Your boyfriend sounds like a real prize!


Do you realize he''s making the entire engagement about HIM? HE doesn''t like the diamond industry so HE doesn''t want to get you a real diamond even though that''s what you want. Now HE doesn''t want to get you the diamond you want and HE doesn''t even want to get you the wedding band you want. He wants to get you a ring that HE wants other people to see. Seriously?


Now to your actual question: you''re the one who''s going to wear the ring-his tastes don''t matter at all, in my opinion. Why do his tastes trump yours when you''re the only one who will be wearing the ring?

Ditto everything Thing said. Granted, this is a diamond forum so our perspectives will, for the most part, be a little skewed in the direction of "It''s also important that the ring wearer likes it." But on the other hand, it sounds like he''s being rather selfish to me.

I mean, if he''s so anti-establishment about diamonds, I''m guessing he''s not super traditional about the guy shopping for the ring on his own (especially since you two have gone together to look twice already), and it just sounds like he brought that argument up as an easy-out so that he can get what HE wants...not cool, IMO.

 

[jewelz617]

Why does getting you a ring warrant a tantrum from him? YOU are the one who is going to be wearing it for the rest of your life.

Sorry, but it''s borderline comical when guys have hissy fits about "ripoff" diamonds and jewelry, yet would have no issue blowing 2 months rent on a plasma screen tv and a fully loaded gaming system.

Doesn''t he want you to be happy? Doesn''t he want you to look at your hand with pride and love rather than disappointment?

Marriage is a compromise, not a dictatorship!

 

[HopeDream]

Hi Redhead02, I''m sorry about your pain!

Sticker shock can be realy tough on the guys - I bet he wants to get you something fab, and his limited budget is making him angry that he can''t.

Sometimes the way this plays out is that the gal gets whatever her fiance has picked out, learns to love (or at least live with) whatever style it is, and then upgrades to what she realy wants for their 5th aniversary.

Other women compensate with a realy awesome right-hand ring.

The important thing is that he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. (Most men don''t realy get the emotional impact an ering has on a woman and see it as just another thing to buy).

You sound like a kind and understanding GF and I hope he pleasantly surprises you with something nifty.


Cheers!

HD


(Happy women buy their own diamonds)

 

[slangofoil]

He''s being absolutely ridiculous in my opinion. First of all, the process of getting a ring is not supposed to be full of arguments and tantrums and b*tching. He''s turning what should be a memorable experience into a royal PITA.

Second of all, no, it should not just be something he likes. Ideally, it should be about him thinking of you and what YOU like - what would be beautiful to you - so he can present you with something gorgeous that shows he knows you and appreciates you. Now sometimes, a guy is just not capable of picking the right thing, and that''s when the lady gets involved to help him out. In my case I''ve picked it and even bought it because my boyfriend''s a poor student in another country while I''m a working professional. Is he bothered by this? NO. Of course he wishes he could be the one to buy it, but it''s just not possible. He knows I''m picky and obsessive, so really it''s just better that I handle it anyway. But your bf I think really needs an attitude change about this whole thing. Why is he making this such an unhappy experience?!

 

[babycush]

You are definitely not alone or wrong!! It sounds like he''s being a big baby! I''m sorry to hear that you''re having a tough time. The other ladies have made points that I agree with completely.

This should be about BOTH OF YOU! If he really wants to thumb his nose at the diamond industry, buy from an estate sale, buy from a pawn shop, buy on e-bay. But, it sounds like you have completely divergent tastes in rings. Maybe when the dust has settled a little, you can gently remind him that the style you like is less expensive than what he likes, so he won''t have to ''save for another year.'' Or maybe you could pick out 5 styles that you would love, and he chooses the one from that bunch. That way you know you''ll like it and he can still have the final say.

 

[RaiKai]

I am not a big diamond girl either unless they have some warmth and colour (I like sapphires and other coloured stones) so I get not being enthused about that market.

Diamonds are NOT an investment if you are concerned about value - they will not hold value. They are highly marked up and the market is saturated with them.

Only get a diamond if you love diamonds - not for value or investment.

That being said I echo the concerns about the readiness of you two to be getting married. Choosing a ring is small potatoes compared to future decisions you will make as a couple.Is this how you are going to handle things together everytime you have different ideas?

And yes there are women who don''t like their ring and either change it then or down the road or live in resentment as they are afraid to say anything (which I find alarming!).You can find threads about it around here.

I never had an ering for various reasons and do not like my wedding ring and if I had had more time to choose at time would have gone in another direction. I talked about it with my husband and am having a new sapphire and diamond accent ering and band made from my tax refund money.My husband loves my current ring and feels sentimental about it. But as my husband said "you are the one who is wearing it the rest of your life and should have something you love". And I have some ideas to make the new one sentimental.

I think the heated ring arguments and ''resolution'' (which sounds more like you gave up and he stayed stubborn) indicate something deeper about the dynamics of your relationship that need to be addressed to determine whether marriage is really right idea - marriage won''t fix things!

Premarital counseling is a good idea if you do both want to get married.

How old are you both? How long have you been dating?

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 3/13/2010 7:31:41 PM
Author:redhead02
Hi all. Sorry that this is a long one. Well, the BF and I went out looking at rings for the second time, and that makes 2 for 2 that we've ended up in a huge fight about it.

He's basically really bitter about the diamond industry and how much things cost. He's really anti-establishment on this particular subject. Originally he wanted to get me moissanite, as a way of thumbing our noses at the diamond industry. But I also couldn't see paying a bunch of money for something that essentially doesn't really have any value. We talked about alternative precious stones, but at the end of the day, I guess I do more or less want a diamond. I think they're beautiful.

We decided that we'd go looking to get ideas, start getting an idea of how much things cost. I unfortunately had already thought a lot about the kind of setting I wanted, but agreed that we'd try to find something we BOTH liked. Totally reasonable.

Problem has been, that we've disagreed on everything. He likes emerald cuts, I hate them. He hates having diamonds in the band of the ring at all - he doesn't even want the wedding band to have any diamonds in it. I tried to ask if it could be a little more than just a diamond on a plain band - and seriously not because I want something expensive, I just was hoping for something a little unique.

He finally decided that he liked 3 stone rings, but then freaked out at how expensive 3 stone rings can be. What's frustrating me is that the ring I like would be far less expensive, but I guess he just doesn't like the design.

At any rate, today on the way home he got into this big rant over how isn't the ring supposed to be the expression of what the guy likes and is proud to put on your finger. He made the comment, 'if you're ready to make this sort of step in your life and relationship, isn't it a little silly to say that you have to save up an extra year for a ring before you can do it?' It really hurt me, because I'm not asking him to spend a lot. I'd rather pick a reasonable number and then just get as close as possible to the idea that I had mind.

We decided that he's just going to go forward with the ring entirely on his own, without any additional input from me. I told him to spend whatever he thinks is reasonable, and get whatever he wants.

At the end of the day, I'm going to be ecstatic that he proposes and wear whatever it is with pride as a symbol of his love for me. I'm fairly equally sure, that privately I won't like the ring. We just have totally opposite tastes. I guess I just wanted to come here for one last whine and see if I wasn't alone. Has anyone else ended up truly disliking their ring?

I'm sorry you're going through this redhead. I agree with many of the other posters that it sounds like he's making this all about himself. You're the one wearing the ring on your finger for the rest of your life and I think it's unfair of him to get you a ring he knows you wouldn't be happy with. The ring is an expression of his love for you, yes but it's not all about what the man wants. It's a symbol of his love for you and your committment to each other. FI and I went shopping together since he had no idea what I wanted. Sure he prefered round cuts over princess cuts (so do I), however if I really had my heart set on a princess cut he'd get me what I love. If he loves emerald cuts and you hate them, I'd hope he wouldn't get you an emerald cut just because he loves them.That would be just mean to propose to your future wife with a diamond that you KNOW she'll hate.

Yes, I had some imput into my ring (he knew which setting I adored and what shape stone I wanted), however the end decision was his and he got me something he knew I'd love. I understand that some people take issue with the diamond industry but there are ways around that to get you what you want (some of the other posters have suggested it). In my opinion, you shouldn't have to settle with "whatever he wants" and let him make this all about him. Just my opinion though.

There are SO many decisions to make as an engaged/married couple. From planning the wedding, to planning for kids. I agree the it might be a good idea to look into some counseling and see if there's a deeper issue going on than just the ring.

 

[RaiKai]

Also perhaps he is concerned about budget if he is paying for it all on his own. PS vendors, estate rings etc are often far more affordable!

And I hope I did not come across as condescending in my previous post but I am concerned about your communication skills together and the dynamics of your relationship and just trying to understand.

 

[junebug17]

I don''t understand why he went ring-shopping with you, and then proceeded to fight with you when you expressed your preferences. What''s the point of going together then? He should have just bought the ring on his own if he feels so strongly about it. To go with you implies he was going to take your opinion into consideration.

I agree that the important thing about the ring is what if represents, but I also think it''s kind of nice if the woman likes it. I hope he re-considers and takes into account your style and taste when he chooses the ring.

I''m also a little confused about the comments about saving for an extra year. Again, why go shopping with you and then make you feel guilty and bad about how much rings cost? I''m sorry, I''m trying not to be negative here, but I don''t think your bf treated you very nicely during this experience.

 

[Indylady]

Oh dear...I also had a few thoughts like the ladies above mentioned, so I won''t repeat them.

Ok, nevermind, I can''t help it. Seriously, it sounds like you are defending yourself for wanting to have some say in your own engagement ring. Why the heck is this just a big deal for your boyfriend? I can certainly understand, and relate to having a budget, that''s not the issue. Why is it that he can''t stand diamonds or the diamond industry, yet is adamant on diamond shapes and settings that he likes? I can understand choosing a vendor that only uses recycled gold for moral, or anti-establishment-arian reasons, or taking a cost cutting alternative is budget is an issue...but I cannot understand pushing certain shapes or settings. If he was super into gems and diamonds, and hated ovals for their bowties, ok, I''d get it. He''s pushing for more or less arbitrary preferences, not preferences that are related to his moral stance on the diamond industry or his budget. I just don''t get being picky over something he seems to hate and not even really care about. This is when it makes him seem like a bully...

 

[rierie26]

I agree with everyone else who posted before. Yes an engagement ring ultimately is the expression of his love and commitment, but it''s going to be on your finger everyday for the rest of your life!! Is he really ok with you wearing this symbol that should be significant to both you and hating it? I''d be pretty upset if he was.

 

[Haven]

Everyone''s given you really good advice so I''ll try not to repeat it.
Can I just ditto the entire thread thus far?

In addition, you should both be aware that you are not going to share opinions on many things that will come up in life, and as a married couple you will have to find a way to communicate and resolve such things like adults. The diamond issue is a small one in the grand scheme of things, really. If I were you, I would be very concerned about his ability to see beyond his own point of view, as well as his readiness to accept me as a partner in all future decision making.

As for the engagement ring issue:
My husband doesn''t understand why I love diamonds, and he didn''t understand why I wanted one in my engagement ring. But he *did* understand that that really didn''t matter. What mattered was that he loved me, having an engagement ring was important to me, he had the means to buy an engagement ring, and so he bought one. Period.

If he''s acting like a big baby because he just plain can''t afford to buy you a diamond ring, then that is something you should discuss and he shouldn''t buy something he can''t afford. However, if he is just taking a stand against something that is important to you, and refuses to bend, then I''d reconsider whether you two are really ready to enter into an engagement.

Good luck.

 

[redhead02]

Thanks so much everyone for the responses. It's nice to have a place to express this kind of thing, where people understand. It's not exactly something I want to talk to my friends or family about, because I don't want them to be mad at him.

In answer to your question RaiKai, we've been dating 2 and a half years. We met in grad school, when neither of us had any money. Now we both have full time jobs and are doing much better, but money has definitely been a source of frustration for him. He still feels like he can't get ahead in terms of saving (he's only been in his new full time job about 6 months now). I meant to include in my previous post that definitely his concern about money in general is feeding into his resentment of how much diamonds and rings cost. He made the comment that he can't afford to get me what I want and that makes him feel like a jerk.

To that end, I'd been trying (or at least I thought I had) to suggest things that might help. I.e., if you only have X amount of money, then just go down in stone size until it's affordable. Or conversely, I'd actually be more than willing to help pay for it, considering that I had some very particular ideas. I was relieved to hear that slanofoil had done something similar. I mean, frankly, it never struck me as particularly fair that the man would buy a multi-thousand dollar item for the girl, and she gets him a simple, much less expensive band. I told him all this, and suggested we just sum up the costs of all 3 rings (ering, my wedding band, and his wedding band), and divide by 2.

That honestly didn't bother me at all, and I thought it might be a nice way to get around his finances problem and still get something I really liked. But sadly, that just made him feel too guilty. He said he couldn't see having me help pay for the ring, that it's not how it's "done" and it wouldn't be right.

I think he feels trapped sadly, and he's handling it a bit badly. He doesn't have a lot of money saved, he's frustrated that (in his words) the diamond industry has engineered things so that all any woman wants is a diamond, and thirdly, due to tradition, he just feels like a loser if I help pay for the ring.

IndyLady very astutely pointed out that it's strange that he's mad at the industry yet is being picky about the design. That is a good point.... I'll think about that and respond to some of the other comments when I get back from errands.

 

[luckynumber]

aaw redhead, it''s obvious the cause of friction here is money, and the fact that he is frustrated that diamonds cost so much (IMHO) and he doesn''t think they are worth that amount

i would seriously consider another stone: have you considered colourless saphhire, danburite or morganite for example? you would get so much more for your money.

i think he needs to back down and buy you the style you want, but the amount he pays should be entirely up to him, even if it''s a tiny amount.

i don''t think a lot of guys are that happy to share the cost of the ring (nothing wrong with it, it''s just not traditional and he may feel that he hasn''t come up to scratch in some way, boys are funny that way

)

if you can tell us your budget and style, i PROMISE PSers can help you to maximise it

hope it all works out in the end x

 

[junebug17]

Yep, going by your second post it sounds like the main issue is money...he is afraid he won''t be able to buy you the ring of your dreams on his budget, and is looking for a way to vent his frustrations, hence the railing against the diamond industry and advertising. It sounds as if you have told him not to worry about the price, and to just get what he can afford, so there''s not much else to do on your end. I wouldn''t bring up helping him pay for it again, he''s definitely against that idea.

Would he be willing to look at some of the PS vendors online? I am impressed with the cost and quality of these companies.

I still think it would be nice if he chose a ring that you would like. That seems to be a separate issue from his concern of the cost of the ring.

 

[slangofoil]

Date: 3/14/2010 11:17:22 AM
Author: redhead02
To that end, I''d been trying (or at least I thought I had) to suggest things that might help. I.e., if you only have X amount of money, then just go down in stone size until it''s affordable. Or conversely, I''d actually be more than willing to help pay for it, considering that I had some very particular ideas. I was relieved to hear that slanofoil had done something similar. I mean, frankly, it never struck me as particularly fair that the man would buy a multi-thousand dollar item for the girl, and she gets him a simple, much less expensive band. I told him all this, and suggested we just sum up the costs of all 3 rings (ering, my wedding band, and his wedding band), and divide by 2.


That honestly didn''t bother me at all, and I thought it might be a nice way to get around his finances problem and still get something I really liked. But sadly, that just made him feel too guilty. He said he couldn''t see having me help pay for the ring, that it''s not how it''s ''done'' and it wouldn''t be right.

The way I see it is, if you''re going to be married and sharing your finances anyway, the money he spends now on a ring ultimately comes out of your pocket as well. If he puts himself into debt for a ring now, you''re both ultimately in debt together. If he spends 2k on a ring now, that''s 2k less than you''ll have together. I just don''t see the expense of a ring as happening in a vacuum. It affects you both, so I see zero problem with sharing the cost upfront, because in reality, that''s what''s happening anyway!

I guess I can understand people wanting to follow tradition, but ultimately I''m a realist. You have to work with what you have.

 

[cally]

Date: 3/14/2010 3:27:22 PM
Author: slangofoil

The way I see it is, if you''re going to be married and sharing your finances anyway, the money he spends now on a ring ultimately comes out of your pocket as well. If he puts himself into debt for a ring now, you''re both ultimately in debt together. If he spends 2k on a ring now, that''s 2k less than you''ll have together. I just don''t see the expense of a ring as happening in a vacuum. It affects you both, so I see zero problem with sharing the cost upfront, because in reality, that''s what''s happening anyway!


I guess I can understand people wanting to follow tradition, but ultimately I''m a realist. You have to work with what you have.

Agreed!

 

[Bliss]

Awww, redhead... Glad you two talked it out. It seems like he's doing a better job at communicating.

I know it's frustrating to you, but you seem very mature and grounded with the situation. I agree with you in that your partner's real frustration lies in the finances area. If he had unlimited funds, of course he would get you what you dream of without the drama.

Be gentle with him, because men can be very sensitive about their role as provider. And it's a very sensitive issue for men when the e-ring they want to buy isn't in line with what they can afford. It must be so painful for him to see you light up when you wear a ring that is financially out of reach. I can imagine how much it hurts him that he can't get it for you and that's probably why he's so upset.

This is kind of a classic example of how men and women differ in communication.
He hears: I'm not good enough, what I can afford isn't good enough. I'll never be good enough for you.
She hears: You don't love me and think I'm worth it. You don't value my tastes and how special this token is to me.

The truth is, you both love each other very much. He feels inadequate because he loves you and wants to please you. It comes out sounding like he's upset with you and what you want...and the world is conspiring to deplete his savings account. You love him so much you want to wear something proudly and with love...something that reflects your taste and will stand the test of time. You're both on the same page, just not talking about the roadblock in place - which is the high price tag. I think you can both get there, but it'll take a little more gentle communication. He just needs to get used to it and comfortable with his options: maximize budget with PS vendors, let you contribute or go for something that you can upgrade down the road. As you said, his financial picture right now is a very sore spot - so tread with love and gentle kindness.

I think he'll come around to a resolution where you help him more with vendors/pricing. And eventually, when he's comfortable enough, maybe he'll let you contribute to the cost so you can get something you both love. I'd just back off and be as understanding as you can. Don't make it a battle otherwise you'll both ruin something that can be a beautiful experience. HUGS. You don't want this to be a sore spot in your relationship, do you? Whenever you look at your ring, you should smile, not feel a pang!

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 3/14/2010 3:27:22 PM
Author: slangofoil

Date: 3/14/2010 11:17:22 AM

Author: redhead02

To that end, I''d been trying (or at least I thought I had) to suggest things that might help. I.e., if you only have X amount of money, then just go down in stone size until it''s affordable. Or conversely, I''d actually be more than willing to help pay for it, considering that I had some very particular ideas. I was relieved to hear that slanofoil had done something similar. I mean, frankly, it never struck me as particularly fair that the man would buy a multi-thousand dollar item for the girl, and she gets him a simple, much less expensive band. I told him all this, and suggested we just sum up the costs of all 3 rings (ering, my wedding band, and his wedding band), and divide by 2.



That honestly didn''t bother me at all, and I thought it might be a nice way to get around his finances problem and still get something I really liked. But sadly, that just made him feel too guilty. He said he couldn''t see having me help pay for the ring, that it''s not how it''s ''done'' and it wouldn''t be right.

The way I see it is, if you''re going to be married and sharing your finances anyway, the money he spends now on a ring ultimately comes out of your pocket as well. If he puts himself into debt for a ring now, you''re both ultimately in debt together. If he spends 2k on a ring now, that''s 2k less than you''ll have together. I just don''t see the expense of a ring as happening in a vacuum. It affects you both, so I see zero problem with sharing the cost upfront, because in reality, that''s what''s happening anyway!


I guess I can understand people wanting to follow tradition, but ultimately I''m a realist. You have to work with what you have.

I agree completely with this too - this is actually why I chose not to have an engagement ring at all at the time we got married. Is it necessary to have a ring right now? or would you be open to being engaged without one and then saving up over time? (especially if he just started a job - I might be stressed if I were him too - but he''s totally being a bully too in my opinion).

 

[Treasure43]

I agree that it sounds like a financial issue. I''m sure you guys can settle on something that you love that is within his budget. It might help to have a conversation about this. I agree with the poster that said that in the end, the money he pays for your engagement ring impacts both of your budgets as you combine your finances. This is actually a good time to learn more about how each other deals with things from a financial perspective. FI and I had many talks about what dollar amount would fit into his budget when we were ring shopping and this actually led to each of us learning how the other views money and deals with financial issues. In retrospect, it was tough to have conversations about money and our thoughts on it, but with wedding planning and all the money that entails spending it''s helpful for us to have a deeper understanding of the other person''s ideas on finances.

Sticker shock can take some getting used to and I agree that diamonds are very overpriced (especially when you think about how their resale value drops dramatically). I''ve actually been reading "I Do, but I don''t" by Kamy Wicoff and it has a FANTASTIC section in it all about the engagement ring and the diamond industry and how men and women feel about the engagement ring. I wish I''d read the book before getting engaged because it would have helped me see a very different side to wanting to be engaged and thoughts about the engagement ring. (As a side note I''d reccomend this book to ALL LIW and brides to be because it deals with so many issues surrounding pre-engagement, engagement, and the wedding planning process). Anyway, it might be a book to check out if you''re interested.

 

[DolceJo]

Date: 3/13/2010 7:31:41 PM
Author:redhead02
Hi all. Sorry that this is a long one. Well, the BF and I went out looking at rings for the second time, and that makes 2 for 2 that we''ve ended up in a huge fight about it.


He''s basically really bitter about the diamond industry and how much things cost. He''s really anti-establishment on this particular subject. Originally he wanted to get me moissanite, as a way of thumbing our noses at the diamond industry. But I also couldn''t see paying a bunch of money for something that essentially doesn''t really have any value. We talked about alternative precious stones, but at the end of the day, I guess I do more or less want a diamond. I think they''re beautiful.


We decided that we''d go looking to get ideas, start getting an idea of how much things cost. I unfortunately had already thought a lot about the kind of setting I wanted, but agreed that we''d try to find something we BOTH liked. Totally reasonable.


Problem has been, that we''ve disagreed on everything. He likes emerald cuts, I hate them. He hates having diamonds in the band of the ring at all - he doesn''t even want the wedding band to have any diamonds in it. I tried to ask if it could be a little more than just a diamond on a plain band - and seriously not because I want something expensive, I just was hoping for something a little unique.


He finally decided that he liked 3 stone rings, but then freaked out at how expensive 3 stone rings can be. What''s frustrating me is that the ring I like would be far less expensive, but I guess he just doesn''t like the design.


At any rate, today on the way home he got into this big rant over how isn''t the ring supposed to be the expression of what the guy likes and is proud to put on your finger. He made the comment, ''if you''re ready to make this sort of step in your life and relationship, isn''t it a little silly to say that you have to save up an extra year for a ring before you can do it?'' It really hurt me, because I''m not asking him to spend a lot. I''d rather pick a reasonable number and then just get as close as possible to the idea that I had mind.


We decided that he''s just going to go forward with the ring entirely on his own, without any additional input from me. I told him to spend whatever he thinks is reasonable, and get whatever he wants.


At the end of the day, I''m going to be ecstatic that he proposes and wear whatever it is with pride as a symbol of his love for me. I''m fairly equally sure, that privately I won''t like the ring. We just have totally opposite tastes. I guess I just wanted to come here for one last whine and see if I wasn''t alone. Has anyone else ended up truly disliking their ring?

Oh darling I''m so sorry you''re going through this

This is so funny though because that is EXACTLY what my boyfriend said when we first were looking at engagement rings. And believe you me, we had many, many long winded arguments about it

I think that at the beginning he will have some reservation about spending an astronomical amount (according to him) on a ring, and I agree. However, he should understand that it''s not a ring that represents solely HIS love....the ring, in it''s entirety represents the love the BOTH of you have and share. My suggestion is to keep on looking for a ring, together, over time. The more he gets to know what you do and don''t like, the more he will realize how much what the ring represents means to you. Remind him that it''s not the ring that''s important, but what it means to the both of you.

 

[redhead02]

The kindness and advice that you all have been offering is so amazing, thank you!

Until we''d actually gone shopping for rings (the 2 times has only been in the past 2 weeks), I didn''t realize how stressed he was about the money. I think I''d been approaching the whole thing a little naively, I got into this frame of mind that maybe we''d just have him pay what he thought was reasonable, and I''d pay the overage. I got so many fun ideas from these forums...and I''m a schemer , so I''d been entertaining myself coming up with a design. We''ve always been a very nontraditional couple in many ways, and I honestly didn''t think he''d care about my being involved, even from a monetary perspective.

But you all are right, it''s becoming clear to me that even he has his things that he''s traditional about. And if he wants to pay, that''s that. I can definitely live with that. I love him so much and I never wanted this process to become ugly.

I do still kinda wish that there was a way he could still take my input somewhat. What bothered me the most about the whole thing was not the cost at all - I certainly don''t want him stressed and feeling inadequate. I just wanted to find a way to approach a setting that I liked within whatever the budget was.

What occurred to me after IndyLady''s comments was actually this: he has his own ideas about what he wants his wedding band to look like. He''s talked about using a very alternative sort of metal, like carbon fiber, or even a ceramic band. He''s talked about how he wants it to be really different, even black in color maybe. And I never even thought once about buying him anything other than exactly what he wants, including completely picking it out with him right there. I think that''s been his assumption too, that we would get it that way.

Bliss and DolceJo mentioned that maybe in time we could approach the subject of looking together again. I am going to wait a bit for things to cool down and him to get more comfortable with this process. When the subject does come up again, I am thinking I may, carefully, try discussing the fact that he has his own ring preferences. Does he want me to pick out his band entirely to what I like? I don''t think so, I think he knows I like very different mens'' bands than he does.

Either way, it is really a glass-full situation. I don''t have any doubts that he wants to marry me, and vice versa. It''s easy to get caught up in the little things, especially when contrasting opinions is a surprise - this is like only the 2nd major thing we''ve ever fought about. But, as others have said, I may learn to love it anyway. And hey, at least this way there''ll be some mystery when he pulls out the box someday!

 

[yssie]

Date: 3/14/2010 10:26:04 PM
Author: redhead02

The kindness and advice that you all have been offering is so amazing, thank you!

Until we'd actually gone shopping for rings (the 2 times has only been in the past 2 weeks), I didn't realize how stressed he was about the money. I think I'd been approaching the whole thing a little naively, I got into this frame of mind that maybe we'd just have him pay what he thought was reasonable, and I'd pay the overage. I got so many fun ideas from these forums...and I'm a schemer , so I'd been entertaining myself coming up with a design. We've always been a very nontraditional couple in many ways, and I honestly didn't think he'd care about my being involved, even from a monetary perspective.

But you all are right, it's becoming clear to me that even he has his things that he's traditional about. And if he wants to pay, that's that. I can definitely live with that. I love him so much and I never wanted this process to become ugly.

I do still kinda wish that there was a way he could still take my input somewhat. What bothered me the most about the whole thing was not the cost at all - I certainly don't want him stressed and feeling inadequate. I just wanted to find a way to approach a setting that I liked within whatever the budget was.

What occurred to me after IndyLady's comments was actually this: he has his own ideas about what he wants his wedding band to look like. He's talked about using a very alternative sort of metal, like carbon fiber, or even a ceramic band. He's talked about how he wants it to be really different, even black in color maybe. And I never even thought once about buying him anything other than exactly what he wants, including completely picking it out with him right there. I think that's been his assumption too, that we would get it that way.

Bliss and DolceJo mentioned that maybe in time we could approach the subject of looking together again. I am going to wait a bit for things to cool down and him to get more comfortable with this process. When the subject does come up again, I am thinking I may, carefully, try discussing the fact that he has his own ring preferences. Does he want me to pick out his band entirely to what I like? I don't think so, I think he knows I like very different mens' bands than he does.

Either way, it is really a glass-full situation. I don't have any doubts that he wants to marry me, and vice versa. It's easy to get caught up in the little things, especially when contrasting opinions is a surprise - this is like only the 2nd major thing we've ever fought about. But, as others have said, I may learn to love it anyway. And hey, at least this way there'll be some mystery when he pulls out the box someday!

Redhead, reread what you've written here. You're apologising for liking what you like, for wanting to have input on something you will be wearing for the rest of your life, for wanting to be able to talk through disagreements and compromise with your future husband without being brushed aside or made to feel guilty for it. What will you do when you want to buy a house with X in Y at Z price, and he decides he doesn't like anything you do and wants A, B, and C instead? Will you "still kinda wish that there was a way he could still take my input somewhat"? Or when you start thinking about where to have the wedding, which dress you'll wear, perhaps, will your opinions take second place to his and you find yourself "still kinda wishing that there was a way he could still take my input somewhat"?

As an outside observer this does not look like a glass-full situation. It looks like the start of a very controlling marriage. But maybe that's just me.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 3/14/2010 10:26:04 PM
Author: redhead02

The kindness and advice that you all have been offering is so amazing, thank you!

Until we''d actually gone shopping for rings (the 2 times has only been in the past 2 weeks), I didn''t realize how stressed he was about the money. I think I''d been approaching the whole thing a little naively, I got into this frame of mind that maybe we''d just have him pay what he thought was reasonable, and I''d pay the overage. I got so many fun ideas from these forums...and I''m a schemer , so I''d been entertaining myself coming up with a design. We''ve always been a very nontraditional couple in many ways, and I honestly didn''t think he''d care about my being involved, even from a monetary perspective.

But you all are right, it''s becoming clear to me that even he has his things that he''s traditional about. And if he wants to pay, that''s that. I can definitely live with that. I love him so much and I never wanted this process to become ugly.

I do still kinda wish that there was a way he could still take my input somewhat. What bothered me the most about the whole thing was not the cost at all - I certainly don''t want him stressed and feeling inadequate. I just wanted to find a way to approach a setting that I liked within whatever the budget was.

What occurred to me after IndyLady''s comments was actually this: he has his own ideas about what he wants his wedding band to look like. He''s talked about using a very alternative sort of metal, like carbon fiber, or even a ceramic band. He''s talked about how he wants it to be really different, even black in color maybe. And I never even thought once about buying him anything other than exactly what he wants, including completely picking it out with him right there. I think that''s been his assumption too, that we would get it that way.

Bliss and DolceJo mentioned that maybe in time we could approach the subject of looking together again. I am going to wait a bit for things to cool down and him to get more comfortable with this process. When the subject does come up again, I am thinking I may, carefully, try discussing the fact that he has his own ring preferences. Does he want me to pick out his band entirely to what I like? I don''t think so, I think he knows I like very different mens'' bands than he does.

Either way, it is really a glass-full situation. I don''t have any doubts that he wants to marry me, and vice versa. It''s easy to get caught up in the little things, especially when contrasting opinions is a surprise - this is like only the 2nd major thing we''ve ever fought about. But, as others have said, I may learn to love it anyway. And hey, at least this way there''ll be some mystery when he pulls out the box someday!

Maybe I''m misunderstanding something here but the highlighted part confuses me. He has a very specific idea of what his wedding band will look like and you would never think about not getting him what he wants. YET, it''s not ok for you to want diamond in YOUR wedding band? This just doesn''t seem very equal to me. You should both be able to get what you want, as long as it''s within budget. Just my opinion.

 

[redhead02]

Maybe I''m misunderstanding something here but the highlighted part confuses me. He has a very specific idea of what his wedding band will look like and you would never think about not getting him what he wants. YET, it''s not ok for you to want diamond in YOUR wedding band? This just doesn''t seem very equal to me. You should both be able to get what you want, as long as it''s within budget. Just my opinion.

I agree - that was what still left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.

Again, it is coming down to cost. At one point - before things got uncomfortable - we''d been talking about likes and dislikes and he''d made the comment that he had specifics but that his preferences actually result in a cheaper ring, not a more expensive one.

Now that I''m writing that, I''m kinda laughing because I guess I did say in the original post that my design was less expensive than the one he liked. That IS kind of irritating, dang it. Granted, a diamond ring is still gonna be a lot more than the guy''s ring, either way.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 3/14/2010 11:02:12 PM
Author: redhead02

Maybe I''m misunderstanding something here but the highlighted part confuses me. He has a very specific idea of what his wedding band will look like and you would never think about not getting him what he wants. YET, it''s not ok for you to want diamond in YOUR wedding band? This just doesn''t seem very equal to me. You should both be able to get what you want, as long as it''s within budget. Just my opinion.

I agree - that was what still left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.

Again, it is coming down to cost. At one point - before things got uncomfortable - we''d been talking about likes and dislikes and he''d made the comment that he had specifics but that his preferences actually result in a cheaper ring, not a more expensive one.

Now that I''m writing that, I''m kinda laughing because I guess I did say in the original post that my design was less expensive than the one he liked. That IS kind of irritating, dang it. Granted, a diamond ring is still gonna be a lot more than the guy''s ring, either way.

Honestly, yes, if you really want a diamond ring it WILL be more expensive than a guy''s ring. Especially since there''s an engagement ring AND a wedding ring for you. Do I sometimes feel a little guilty that my FI has gotten me two gorgeous rings and yet I''m only getting him a plain whie gold band (because that''s all he wants)? A little bit. However, when it comes down to it, he doesn''t care because he''s not that into jewelry.

Would you be happy with a very small diamond? Because if so, I''m sure you guys can find something that will fit the budget AND be something you love. I get the money issue, I really do. I just think it''s odd that he''s so into HIS thoughts about shapes of diamonds and HIS wedding ring, yet dismisses yours as too expensive. And it doesn''t make sense that the engagement ring he likes was more expensive than the one you like, yet it''s all about money. Maybe I''m not 100% understanding the situation (I''m probably not) but again it seems like he''s making this whole thing about him.

Do you know his budget? If you did, perhaps you could find a few things YOU love in that price range and then show him some pictures and then let him choose? That way it''s within his price range AND he gets to feel like he''s a part of it BUT you get your imput too

 

[redhead02]

Redhead, reread what you''ve written here. You''re apologising for liking what you like, for wanting to have input on something you will be wearing for the rest of your life, for wanting to be able to talk through disagreements and compromise with your future husband without being brushed aside or made to feel guilty for it. What will you do when you want to buy a house with X in Y at Z price, and he decides he doesn''t like anything you do and wants A, B, and C instead? Will you "still kinda wish that there was a way he could still take my input somewhat"? Or when you start thinking about where to have the wedding, which dress you''ll wear, perhaps, will your opinions take second place to his and you find yourself "still kinda wishing that there was a way he could still take my input somewhat"?

As an outside observer this does not look like a glass-full situation. It looks like the start of a very controlling marriage. But maybe that''s just me.

I hear what you''re saying. In all honesty though, we''ve really always been really in line with all the major things until this. We discuss buying a home all the time, and we agree on where we want to live, what we want to spend. I''ve mentioned the things in a house that are really important to me and he''s been respectful of what I want. We actually just discussed wedding stuff today, and he said he was happy to just let me control everything about it if I wanted to. He actually moved cross-country, from CA to DC, for me, even though he hadn''t locked down a job here yet. If anything, I''ve probably been the more dominant one up until now, which is part of the reason I''ve been trying to tread this situation carefully. I don''t want to be the demanding princess - I am not that girl.