Engagement

[Dukegirl]

I''m brand new to this site. I''ve been reading but have never posted before. Here goes.

OK, so my boyfriend (fiance) finally just went ahead and formally asked me two nights ago. We have been talking about it for a while and I figured the engagement wouldn''t happen until later this summer. We are both law students and didn''t have a ton of money, but we both have summer jobs in a big firms this summer, so the money is finally coming in. Anyway, he hasn''t gotten a ring yet--he just felt impulsive and asked me the other night while we were laying on the bed, watching the really cool thunderstorm outside the huge picture window. The storm was romantic and he just turned to me and asked if I would marry him. We are going ring shopping this weekend. (I haven''t really told many people because I don''t have the ring yet and wanted to avoid the awkward "Can I see your ring?!")

Anyway, he wanted to ask me before I went away for the weekend NEXT weekend with my parents, so that I could tell them in person. My parents are picking me up as they drive through Washington, DC on their way to South Carolina for the weekend. We are going there because my brother and his wife will be there visitng my relatives and so my mom wants to throw them a post-wedding shower. (They had a very small wedding--just my parents--three months ago after a 1-week engagement). Anyway, this will be the first time any of my relatives will be meeting his wife, so I need to know whether it is appropriate to announce my engagement while down there, or if this will be stealing their thunder. I know they won''t care, but I am wondering whether it would be tacky of me, to announce that I am getting married (and the wedding will be in August 2004) during the same weekend that our relatives want to make a big fuss over Tehila.

Any advice? Should I jsut wait to tell my parents until after we get home?

 

[Lanee]

Congratulations, it's good you don't have a ring yet because this is a great educational site and you should consider an internet purchase. The professionals here are sooo helpful and even if you don't make a net purchase they can guide you through the process with a regular retailer so you don't get taken.

Before giving my complete opinion, I have some questions.

When do you guys plan on getting the ring?
How long of an engagement are you going to have?

But so far I'm leaning towards you telling you parents and family because it seems that your brother and his new wife chose a short engagement and a small wedding because they didn't want the fuss-not to mention, they have been married 3 months already. Though everyone loves reliving their wedding day, you didn't get engaged to steal their thunder and it is an exciting time for you that you should be able to celebrate.

 

[Dukegirl]

I have been researching rings for a while and know what I am interested in. I actually want to purchase online from Whiteflash but Eric is really concerned about Internet purchases for such things as rings and so wants to actually go to a store. We are going to go to a few stores in Northern Virginia tomorrow, but I am really leaning towards just doing that to compare prices and styles (and how it actually looks on my finger) and then probably purchasing online, as it doesn't appear you can beat some of the prices at the online retailers. We want to purchase either this weekend, or early next week, to hopefully have a ring by the weekend.

As for length of engagement, we plan on having the wedding in August 2004, so it would be about a 14 month engagement. We are both in law school and will be graduating in May 2004. We will be taking the bar exam in July 2004, and then will begin our new attorney jobs in September 2004, so that basically leaves August as the only possible month.

 

[Lanee]

I'm sorry, you mentioned August 2004 for the wedding. And I know you said you were going to look but looking is different than buying so I had to ask.

Yes, definitely check out the stores to get an idea. You are sooooo headed down the right track. If you've got the ring by family time, you've got to tell them. Once you have the ring on your finger you probably won't be able to contain yourself. And since you're planning a year engagement, you want to be excited about the engagement ASAP because soon it will become wedding plans and the stres of planning takes away from just being engaged.

I'm for telling the 'rents and the family. I'm sure your brother and his new wife won't be upset and if they are remind them it was their choice not to make a big deal about their nuptials, not yours and you are not doing this to take any thing away from them but your guy happened to ask.

Would you consider telling your brother over the phone and telling him not to tell your parents because you want to tell them in person? This would help him be prepared to share the spotlight and let you know in advance how he feels about you announcing your engagement. Think about that, it may help you make the decision on your own.

 

[aljdewey]

My two cents.....

I'd wait to tell your parents until after the weekend's festivities. You mentioned you're riding with your parents on the trip to your brother's house. I'd plan this: When you parents drop you off back in D.C., ask them in for a quick cup of coffee and a chance to stretch out before completing their trip home. That way, you and your fiance can tell them about your engagement together and in person. In my opinion, that's the way it should be....I couldn't imagine telling my parents that I was engaged without my boyfriend present.

I also think it's important to let your brother and his new wife have their day. Nothing personal on this next comment, Lanee, but I think it's a stretch to assume that the brother and his new wife didn't want the fuss just because they had a short engagement/small wedding....we don't actually know why they chose that route. My parents had a very quick wedding in the early 60s.....not because they didn't want the fuss but because my father was in the military and being transferred to Hawaii, and they had to be married by a certain date in order for the government to cover my mother's flight expenses to Hawaii.

Whatever their reasons, the whole purpose of this weekend is to celebrate the brother's marriage with a post-wedding shower. That should be special unto itself. Dukegirl's news will be just as exciting a day or two later, and where the marriage is 14 months away, it's not imperative to share it right away.

Also, by telling just your parents, you can take a bit longer to find just the right ring. You can simply tell them that you have the ring on order or it's being sized, etc. Typically, people who rush to get a ring on the hand end up wishing they'd spent more time and put more consideration into choosing their stone/setting.

Anyway, whatever you decide, best of luck and congratulations on your engagement!!!

 

[Lanee]

You may be on to something aljdewey, I made several assumptions. I must have skipped the post-wedding shower sentence, I just reread the orig. post now. I didn't think the weekend was specifically to celebrate the bro.'s nuptials as much as it was just going to be the first time the wife met the family because they were there for some other reason. If it is specifically to celebrate the nuptials, I agree Dukegirl should't tell the whole family but should definitely tell her parents, brother and Tehila. I also assumed she would tell the parents before they took off in the presence of her fiance.

Also, you might want to consider telling your brother at the end of the weekend and telling him to keep it hush and tell you parents like aljdewey said. If you can wait that long.

 

[Dukegirl]

Well, my mom is making the trip to my grandmother's house in South Carolina to throw my sister-in-law a shower because my brother and sister-in-law would be passing through there on a road trip down south. My parents and I will be in SC from Fri night to Mon morning but my bro and sis-in-law will only be there Sunday, the day of the shower. Neither my brother nor my sister-in-law really even want the shower, they are just going along with it because my mother insists on throwing it. But they are happy to go along with it, as they just went to the courthouse with my parents when they tied the knot.

As for why they got married in the way they did, well, neither of them wanted a big wedding and just wanted to get married rather than have a big party or anything. And since they weren't going to have a wedding reception they just figured, why have a long engagement and did it the week afterwards.

 

[aljdewey]

----------------
On 6/17/2003 12

9:13 PM Dukegirl wrote:
Neither my brother nor my sister-in-law really even want the shower, they are just going along with it because my mother insists on throwing it. But they are happy to go along with it, as they just went to the courthouse with my parents when they tied the knot.

----------------

Good information. In that case, I'd definitely suggest waiting to tell the parents when the drop you off.

This shower/party is really about what your mother wants, and that means it's important to her. It may be her way of showing her acceptance. Because she's the one throwing it, she'll be very focused on the details, and if you tell her about your engagement prior to its completion, she may not be able to respond with her full attention. If you wait until you're returning, the shower will be over and done with, and your mom will be more relaxed and more able to rejoice in your news with 100% enthusiasm.

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

[Lanee]

Okay, since aljdewey has a point about it seemingly being about what your mother wants, give her the choice. When she picks you up, you and your fiance should tell them the good news and ask her if you should wait to tell the family or if she wants to share the news with them now.

Now some things to consider . . . Tehila is a new bride and whether or not she wanted the big deal made about it she probably loves being in the spot light after the fact. We all do as brides and brides-to-be and even as newlyweds. So put your self in her shoes for a minute. You have to potential to remove her from the lime light and do you think 3 months for the roles of bride-to-be, bride, and newlywed is enough? If you give her this weekend and wait until it's over or until you get your ring , you will have a year of engagement and then the big day, and then the newly-wed days (given there is no one to usurp your spotlight).
And though it is not the same as sharing it with your own family, nothing is keeping you from telling your FH's family or your best girlfriends. You can buy bridal magazine's (don't take them on your trip-that's telling without saying the words) and start your pre-wedding scrapbook of dresses, flowers and cakes that you like and when you get to make the big announcement you'll be ready to share all the details that everyone will be anxious to know.

So in summary, leave it up to your parents, before the trip. I appreciate what aljdewey is saying but maybe your mother will have wanted you to tell her at the start of the weekend and if you wait until after the trip, it'll be too late. Now, if she wants you to hold off telling everyone, you still have shared the news with the most important people and you know not to expect her full attention until after the weekend so don't take it personally if she seems distracted. But, in the meantime, tell everyone you know. Buy some magazines, start dreaming of your big day.

 

[Dukegirl]

OK, update:

We went ring shopping and were hoping to get something by the time I left but it just didn't happen. I was leaving Friday afternoon and the ring wouldn't be ready until Tuesday. Oh well.

So no worry about upstaging Tehila, since there was no ring anyway!

But Eric and I did tell my parents, who were excited. They wouldn't exactly understand about the ringless proposal though, since they are kind of traditional like that, so I fibbed and said it was being sized and hat he wouldn't let me wear it until it was insured. Which was kind of true! (Even though I have been wearing it since Tues night when he re-proposed, he is still nervous about me wearing it before it is insured, which will be taken care of within the next few days.)

Anyway, it is a 1.03 carat round brilliant solitaire, J (faces up VERY white) SI1 (incredibly eye clean and even difficult to see the inclusions with a loupe because of the locations of them) set in a yellow gold six prong setting. I thought I wanted the Royal Crown Vatche setting but then decided that I wanted the simplicity and classic elegance of this setting. It has a LOT of sparkle and fire and I just can't stop looking at it! Definitely bad for my productivity here at work!

Jim at DCD was so helpful. We drove out there to see two stones and he spent almost 2 hours going over everything with us! We are very happy with our purchase and would definitely recommend DCD to anyone.

No pictures yet--neither he nor I have a digital camera! We are going to try borrowing one from a friend, so when we do I will certainly post eye-candy in the Show Me the Ring forum.