engagement without a set date for marriage?

[mvyoung2]

Hey folks,

I was just wondering whether its either uncommon, unorthodox, not recommended to get engaged and not plan on getting married any time soon? Before you roll your eyes at me I want to clarify that I AM serious about proposing and I''m certain she is too. However this year is going to be crazy hectic for us (graduation, relocating across country for job, and applying to grad school) and I think it would be pretty unrealistic to get married in 2009. Personally I don''t see a problem but when I thought about all my friends who''ve gotten married it was all within 6-9 months from engagement to honeymoon.

Is there a general rule of thumb or am I just psyching myself out?

 

[cdndman]

I personally think you''re psyching yourself out.... I proposed in August to my girlfriend of 3 years... we knew we wouldn''t be getting married until 2010-2011 since we are in almost the same situation as you... I''m a uni student that will be going for a professional designation and it wouldn''t be feasible to get married quickly... but I wanted it to be a total surprise... now we''ve set a date august 7 2010.... there is nothing weird or wrong about a long engagement...

 

[LaraOnline]

In Australia I think it happens *all* the time...?
In fact, I think over here, a two-year engagement, or even longer could be more the norm (this is just off the top of my head)

I personally think it''s better to propose when the time is right, rather than watch it all go down the gurgler, because the ''moment'' has passed ...

 

[Dandi]

My husband and I got engaged with no wedding date in mind. I had just finished univeristy, we were both in the midst of changing jobs, and we were also building a house. We were just happy to be engaged knowing we were going to get married, just at a time that suited us! Which, as it turns out, ended up being nearly 3 years later, but hey, we achieved all we set out to, had aaaages to plan the wedding and pay for eveything in cash as we plodded along... worked for us!!

All of the 'when are you getting married?!', 'you haven't set a date yet? Why?!' etc etc type questions wil probably pop up from time to time. I told people we just had too much on our plate... plus, what's the hurry? We've got our whole lives together as husband and wife, what's wrong with taking wedding planning slowly?

That type of response usually kept the wolves at bay

Seriously, do what's right for you.

 

[havernell]

I don''t necessarily disagree with what the others have written above, but just to look at it from the other angle: what do you GAIN from getting engaged now (instead of waiting a few more years until you are closer to actually getting married)?

Do you just feel the need to "prove" to others that you are a serious couple? Are you afraid that once out of college and in the real world your girlfriend will decide that you''re not "the one" and so you want to "lock her in" now? Is one or both of you uncomfortable moving in together before you are engaged? Or are one or both of you wary of following the other one to a new city for a job or grad school without that level of commitment? Do you feel you need to propose just because others around you are getting engaged?

I just think you should really consoider *why* you feel the need to get engaged now if marriage isn''t imminent. There are some good reasons to get engaged now and there are some not-so-good reasons to get engaged now. What is wrong with just remaining boyfriend and girlfriend for another year or two? Getting engaged won''t magically make your relationship stronger/better/more legitimate. So again, what do you gain by proposing now?

(This being PS, I also have to throw in that if you wait to propose, you have time to save more money and get a larger diamond!!)

Also, being engaged has it''s major hassles- once you are engaged, mothers, friends, coworkers will constantly be bugging you about what kind of wedding you''ll have, who will be invited, when it will be, etc... Honestly, wedding planning is stressful, and the less amount of time you are engaged, the less amount of time you have to deal with all of these stresses. Trust me.

Again, I''m not saying you shouldn''t propose now, but just make sure you have good reasons for needing to propose now rather than waiting a bit, since there is virtually no harm in waiting. Good luck with the decision!

 

[PrincessDijon]

Hey There!

I just got engaged in September and I won't be getting married until 2011. It gives us time to save for the wedding, lose some weight (on my end) and ENJOY the engagement phase!

I felt the moment was good/right and I didn't let it pass....if you feel in your heart it's right, you go for it!!!!!

 

[bootsiekin]

In my opinion, it is fine to get engaged as soon as you realize that you want to marry the other person. To me, its a symbol of a promise to marry, not a promise to marry within a year or any other time frame. The only downside I see to waiting longer would be answering peoples questions as to why wait so long, but anyone who knows your situation with school and moving will understand why 2009 isnt good. Besides, its almost 2009 already so planning a wedding in 2010 would be completely normal - most people I know take a year to a year and a half to plan. Its not that emotionally you arent ready to marry (which would be a reason to wait), its just that life is too busy right now..but to me that is no reason to show your SO how you feel!

 

[bootsiekin]

Date: 10/8/2008 9:24:37 AM
Author: bootsiekin
In my opinion, it is fine to get engaged as soon as you realize that you want to marry the other person. To me, its a symbol of a promise to marry, not a promise to marry within a year or any other time frame. The only downside I see to waiting longer would be answering peoples questions as to why wait so long, but anyone who knows your situation with school and moving will understand why 2009 isnt good. Besides, its almost 2009 already so planning a wedding in 2010 would be completely normal - most people I know take a year to a year and a half to plan. Its not that emotionally you arent ready to marry (which would be a reason to wait), its just that life is too busy right now..but to me that is no reason to show your SO how you feel!

Sorry, I meant, "no reason to NOT show your SO how you feel!"

 

[mvyoung2]

Hey guys! Just wanted to let you know I appreciate all your insights to my question. I had a feeling my situation was normal but it never hurt to get a second opinion After all like I said, most of my friends got engaged and married fairly quickly.

Thanks again, cheers!

 

[Blackpaw]

Hi mvyoung2 - thought id weigh in. My SO and i will be getting engaged in the near future, but like you intend on having a long engagement. Its not that we''re not ready to make the commitment of marriage, its that we want to get a house before we do (simple priorities) and we want to have a wedding without worrying about the financial stuff. All of this is no problem it just means we have to wait a bit longer to do it. BUt we have forever, as do you, so its really irrelevant in the end!! Congrats on your impending engagement

 

[mvyoung2]

Hey Blackpaw,

That pretty much summed it up for me! Financial burdens are one of the top marriage killers and after watching my older brother go through a nasty divorce it just makes sense to make sure everything is in check and make sure you don''t have any skeletons in your closets before tying the not.

 

[mvyoung2]

oh and early congrats for you as well!

 

[galeteia]

There is nothing wrong with having a long engagement.

An engagement is a declaration of the intent to marry. You aren''t obligated to decide ''when'' when you ask her marry you, just ''if''.

 

[merrymunky]

I have been engaged to my fiance for 4.5 years. When we firs got engaged we said we would wait about 2 years to get married. Things got in the way and he keeps putting it off.

I say be sure that she KNOWS you are expecting a long engagement. Don''t make any promises about a perspective time scale because even though she knows she has to wait a little longer than most, you don''t want her getting really upset 2 or three years down the line.

I know how that feels and in all honesty I feel pretty upset everyday I wait. He knows I was happy to wait two years, but the 2.5 years that have passed since the initial two years was up has been heartbreaking. I have to ask myself if he loves me enough, if he really wants to marry me, or whether we got engaged to shut me up, rather than because he really wanted to be with me.

Just make sure you are both clear on the details and all should be well.

 

[mvyoung2]

Oh yeah both of us are pretty goal oriented and we have alot to accomplish in the next year so it really doesn''t seem likely to get married this year.. I don''t think if I couldn''t forsee us getting married within a few years I''d just wait but we have a pretty good plan and an open line of communication.

I''m sorry to hear about you having to wait so long.. I''m sure it''ll be well worth it!

 

[sba771]

I got engaged April 2008, not getting married until January 2011. Enjoy being engaged! It is a really fun time so enjoy it and don''t get stressed out.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 10/4/2008 5:18:21 AM
Author: LaraOnline
In Australia I think it happens *all* the time...?

In fact, I think over here, a two-year engagement, or even longer could be more the norm (this is just off the top of my head)


I personally think it''s better to propose when the time is right, rather than watch it all go down the gurgler, because the ''moment'' has passed ...

Yup we got engaged in Sept 08 and are planning of getting married sometime in 2010 I personally couldn''t think of getting married earlier.

 

[pjean]

You''re psyching yourself out. Not only is there no rule, I would rather go into such an up-in-the-air period with a ring on my finger, personally.

 

[edl]

Nothing wrong with getting engaged without a date. We recently got engaged, and while we have a general idea of when we''ll get married it isn''t anytime soon.

Getting engaged is good. If anything, it shows that you''re really serious about your relationship, and want to keep it moving forwards. Don''t wait, it''ll only stress your relationship.