Engagement Ring Disappointment

[SuiteLady]

I found this thread on another site. I thought it was pretty interesting. I wanted to hear what the other LIWs think about this.

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/engagement-ring-disappointment

 

[fieryred33143]

Here’s my own personal take on it:

1. If your guy is open to discussion of sizes, regardless of whether it’s a diamond or colored stone, then you should express your preferences. However, if he isn’t open to it then keep your mouth shut. Even though it’ll be your ring, it’s still his money that is paying for it and demanding a size is wrong IMO. (This is not directed at anyone that would be contributing to their ring as well obviously) Mr. Fiery was open to everything when it came to the ring but had I said that I prefered a certain size, he would have been offended. Especially since I knew what size he could afford and I personally did not like the idea of contributing towards my ring.

2. The bike thing doesn’t matter to me to be honest, unless they are living together which I couldn’t tell from the post. I think once you live together, all big purchases should be discussed together. If FI went out and bought something worth $6k without at least discussing with me, regardless of whether it was his money or not, I would be upset. But we pay bills together. If he did that when we weren’t living together, well I would be annoyed but it isn’t my money. Again, JMHO.

Honestly, the girl sounds a little selfish to me but maybe this guy just really doesn’t care about her feelings.

 

[mrscushion]

Holy moley. I feel really bad for her. My first reaction, though, was that we are really only hearing her side of the story here, and as one of the commenters pointed out, we don''t know whether she was really clear about what she wanted in an engagement ring, or she barely hinted at it and then just assumed that he would get her hints....I have a hard time believing that her SO would really intentionally go and buy the opposite of what she wanted. That said, he certainly does not sound like a great person, at least from how she describes him... he sounds sooo insensitive!

Either way, it''s terrible that she is so unhappy when she should be beaming with happiness!

 

[MoonWater]

Based on what the girl wrote, I would NOT marry that guy. I don''t care if it''s his money, I don''t care if they don''t live together. Once you are engaged you should NOT make large purchases like that unless you really do have plenty of money to spare. They have a wedding to save for. I think once you agree to marry someone your lives become joined. Obviously it''s easier to break up at that point than it is when you are married, but it is still an agreement to consult one another regarding significant life choices that could affect the other person (and in this case it''s finances). Also, it does seem that he values her very little. He''s obviously damaged from his first marriage. No one should choose how much to spend on a ring based on the fact that the marriage could "go bust." If that''s how you''re walking into it, you shouldn''t get married at all. I would dump him.

 

[mynewobsession]

I agree with many of the posters on the original thread. I don''t believe the problem is with the ring or with the motorcycle. It''s the fact that he flippantly ignored her tastes and went out and bought an expensive diamond because that''s what he thought she should have. He was the one that brought up the fact that she shouldn''t need a certain size or he need to spend a lot of money on a ring, but yet he buys a designer ring from a jewelry store?

It sounds like one issue - power struggle. Even if my SO didn''t have a lot of money to spend, I guarantee he''d still take my personal tastes into his search and find the best ring he could with his budget. If I specifically said I loved sapphires and wanted one as my e-ring, whether I got the size I hoped for or not, it would be a sapphire and not a diamond!

And his comment about her having to "earn her ring" just disgusts me. If she''s good enough to marry now, she''s good enough to have a ring she likes! Not in 20 years!

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 12/22/2008 5:31:01 PM
Author: MoonWater
Based on what the girl wrote, I would NOT marry that guy. I don''t care if it''s his money, I don''t care if they don''t live together. Once you are engaged you should NOT make large purchases like that unless you really do have plenty of money to spare. They have a wedding to save for.

Generally speaking, I would agree with that but I don''t know his side of the story. Without knowing their financial situation, the cost of their wedding, and who is paying for the wedding its hard to say that he should *not* have made this purchase just because they have a wedding to save for.

We also don''t know if he has plenty of money to spare or not.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 12/22/2008 5:40:01 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 12/22/2008 5:31:01 PM
Author: MoonWater
Based on what the girl wrote, I would NOT marry that guy. I don''t care if it''s his money, I don''t care if they don''t live together. Once you are engaged you should NOT make large purchases like that unless you really do have plenty of money to spare. They have a wedding to save for.

Generally speaking, I would agree with that but I don''t know his side of the story. Without knowing their financial situation, the cost of their wedding, and who is paying for the wedding its hard to say that he should *not* have made this purchase just because they have a wedding to save for.

We also don''t know if he has plenty of money to spare or not.

Which is why I started my comments off with "Based on what the girl wrote." That is all my comments are based on. She certainly has those feelings and if I felt that way about the guy I was engaged to, well, I''d dump him.

 

[brooklyngirl]

I feel so sad for that poster! I know we only see her side of the situation, but it's clear that she doesn't feel valued, and respected in the relationship. Regardless of what her FI's story is, he has a hand in that. He's clearly putting his happiness above hers, when he buys a motorcycle that costs more than her ring, and at the same time teases her about her not liking the ring because it's not big enough.

As far as the ring itself, when it comes to e-rings, if the recipient isn't happy with the ring, a lot of money has just been tossed into the toilet, IMHO. If the reciepient has an opinion on the subject, that opinion should be held in the highest of regards.

In my own situation, when FI and I decided to start looking for e-rings, I gave him a budget which most people would consider pretty large. I certainly didn't believe it was *his* money at that point.

 

[HollyS]

In this particular instance, the situation relayed in that orginal wedding forum, the guy was being an A-hole and I would have kicked him to the curb. Problem solved.

Now, in general, the woman expecting a proposal should know exactly where the monetary boundaries are in the process, and agree to not have an unreasonable desire for more than he can afford to spend, or even want to spend. And yes, it is always unreasonable to expect, and voice that expectation, for a honker of a stone. Always.

That said, the man should always listen to the likes and dislikes of his intended. If she wants a sapphire, he needs to get a sapphire! If she wants a halo, he should get a halo. Etc., etc., etc.

Overall, size does not matter. But if he can easily afford a nice ring, then it is not okay for him to spend thousands on himself for a ''toy'', while basically thumbing his nose at her preferences when it comes to this very important piece of jewelry. Just as it is not okay for some women to dictate that nothing less than 2 carats will do, thank you very much.

If a couple cannot compromise before the wedding, they won''t after the wedding.

 

[SuiteLady]

I feel badly for her. I really do. Am I the only person that thinks that it is "odd" that she is focused on the carat size of her ring AFTER the engagement? I have had carat size expectations communicated to me, but if it came up short, I think that I will be so happy to get engaged that I wouldn''t care. It seems strange that she is so focused on the ring. That tells me that there is a lot more to this than size of her ring. She is unhappy because he always puts himself first. I would make a decision that she may not want to make...I would walk away.

But giving him the benefit of the doubt...Most men that I know try to buy the biggest and best ring that they can afford. They give it from their hearts and do everything within their power to make their girlfriends feel special and loved.

I think the issue is that it sounds like their communication is all out of wack. They both sound passive-aggressive. If she came with the 1.5 carat request, he should have been honest with her about his budget or expressed that he wanted to upgrade the ring at a later date. If she hurt his feelings or insulted her with her massive ring request, then he should say something. If she is upset about the way he treats her, she should focus on that and not the size of the ring.

I wouldn''t go to counseling. I would walk away.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 12/22/2008 5:31:01 PM
Author: MoonWater
Based on what the girl wrote, I would NOT marry that guy. I don''t care if it''s his money, I don''t care if they don''t live together. Once you are engaged you should NOT make large purchases like that unless you really do have plenty of money to spare. They have a wedding to save for. I think once you agree to marry someone your lives become joined. Obviously it''s easier to break up at that point than it is when you are married, but it is still an agreement to consult one another regarding significant life choices that could affect the other person (and in this case it''s finances). Also, it does seem that he values her very little. He''s obviously damaged from his first marriage. No one should choose how much to spend on a ring based on the fact that the marriage could ''go bust.'' If that''s how you''re walking into it, you shouldn''t get married at all. I would dump him.

My thoughts exactly!

And as far as engagement rings go, I really think the guy should get the girl exactly what she wants, provided it''s within their budget.

 

[Tuckins1]

Yikes... What a sticky situation!

 

[LaraOnline]

I feel sorry for the girl, and I feel sorry for some of the responses on the other forum as well - I mean, as if any sensible girl would get herself MARRIED for a sapphire ring! I thought the ''in it for the pretty bauble'' comments were silly. The girl''s been with the guy for three years.

I think the guy comes across as a bit of a jerk. Of course, his teasing about her ''wanting a bigger ring'' could be more about his guilt, perhaps he regrets his high-handed decision about the ring. A lot of men (including my own man) have very little understanding of the importance of wedding jewellery... and to be honest, it took about five solid years of wearing mine before I really got the point as well. You don''t want your engagement ring to feel like an iron bar on your finger! It''s got to be beautiful, and worthy, as well as functional (as in signifying that you are married).

Perhaps he''s got a bit of an ego, and wants her to wear the ring that he deems fit. Yuck, I hope that''s not the case!

This guy had the money for the ring she wanted. But he sounds cynical about women in general, and perhaps didn''t even understand that sapphire is so much cheaper than diamond, that her size request was not really all that outrageous.

Perhaps he was like my man, and inclined to buy from the first shop he went into.

For all she knows, he has taken the advice of his friends over and above her advice! And how much do his male friends know about engagement jewellery, really?

In his favour, he has attempted to put a good foot forward, by buying a Ritani ring. Against his favour, he has spent probably a similar amount in ''evening up the tab'' by buying himself a motorcycle at the same time as well.

He needs to develop proper communication skills, be a little more thoughtful and generous in his feelings, and get over his past disappointments! (easier said than done).

 

[gwendolyn]

I feel badly for her too, as well as for the ladies here on PS who have had similar stories. I do think it''s possible that a guy can have his heart in the right place but mess up completely on jewelery because he honestly and truly just doesn''t get it, but even in those situations, if the woman makes her preferences clear to him and is sensitive to the budget and he still blatantly ignores them, it makes me sad. Although I can understand how he might not ''get'' jewelry, but if he loves her, he should still ''get'' her and understand that it''s important to her and shouldn''t just be any old thing (but without blowing the budget, of course).

I mean, whenever anyone''s buying anyone else a gift for any occasion (not just engagements), it''s generally advisable to get them something they''d prefer, rather than what you yourself (as the gift-giver) would prefer. There''s a reason engagement rings are a tradition, and not engagement power drills, y''know?

It''s a delicate situation, and one I hope looks more positive with more info of the dynamics of their relationship. Hopefully they will be able to have a calm discussion about things and both end up happy.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 12/22/2008 7:42:59 PM
Author: thing2of2

And as far as engagement rings go, I really think the guy should get the girl exactly what she wants, provided it''s within their budget.

I absolutely agree! I will never understand people that do not give without considering the person they are giving to. I constantly listen to people, even those I don''t know well, to figure out a perfect match. I most definitely would get exactly what my SO wanted that was within my means. And I''m sure I would never be willing to marry someone who would think to ask for something beyond my means (unless they were contributing).

 

[J-in-B]

I feel bad for her, too. Not because of the ring. But because she is about to marry someone who shows a very poor attitude about marriage. No matter what ring, this marriage is not going to be a piece of cake.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 12/23/2008 6:46:47 AM
Author: gwendolyn

I mean, whenever anyone''s buying anyone else a gift for any occasion (not just engagements), it''s generally advisable to get them something they''d prefer, rather than what you yourself (as the gift-giver) would prefer. There''s a reason engagement rings are a tradition, and not engagement power drills, y''know?

Ha, I should have read your post before posting!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 12/23/2008 8:51:11 AM
Author: MoonWater

Date: 12/23/2008 6:46:47 AM

Author: gwendolyn


I mean, whenever anyone''s buying anyone else a gift for any occasion (not just engagements), it''s generally advisable to get them something they''d prefer, rather than what you yourself (as the gift-giver) would prefer. There''s a reason engagement rings are a tradition, and not engagement power drills, y''know?

Ha, I should have read your post before posting!

*taps nose* Same wavelength.

 

[ringless]

I love weddingbee!

 

[mtjoya]

Well, I feel bad for her in the extent that he went off and bought the motorcycle. Unless they have alot of money to blow off then that''s okay. Personally, I wouldn''t want my bf to spend alot of money on my ering. Even, if we had no budget, I still wouldn''t want him to spend alot of money. I think that she should value the relationship that she has with her fiance and not care about the ring. Thats just my .02

 

[Mediterranean]

I personally didn''t like his comments which state that "what''s the point in buying a ring if you don''t know whether the marriage will work out" (Oh, my. Hey, mister, if ya don''t know whether the marriage will work out, then, um...please don''t marry this young lady!!)

Also the comment about "You have to EARN the bigger stone..." (Earn? How? By delivering beautiful children who are all Mensa members and Harvard-bound?? Or bringing home a six-figure-per-year paycheck? Or looking like a supermodel 24/7/365? That''s SO subjective, and SUCH an odd thing to say!!!)

I''d tell this gal that, hey, if it''s not in your fella''s heart to WANT to give you something that makes your heart sing and your eyes light up, just for the sheer joy of watching his beloved''s heart sing and her eyes light up, then why bother with such a cynical dude? Surely there are amazing, sweet guys out there who WANT to make their love happy, simply because of of all the happiness SHE has ALREADY brought......

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 12/24/2008 6:02:46 PM
Author: Mediterranean

I''d tell this gal that, hey, if it''s not in your fella''s heart to WANT to give you something that makes your heart sing and your eyes light up, just for the sheer joy of watching his beloved''s heart sing and her eyes light up, then why bother with such a cynical dude? Surely there are amazing, sweet guys out there who WANT to make their love happy, simply because of of all the happiness SHE has ALREADY brought......

Amen! And that''s why I looooove my husband.

 

[risingsun]

In this situation, I think that the size and cost of the ring is relevant. This woman''s fiance is putting a financial value on his future wife. She states that her ring cost less than his motorcyle. I don''t think this is a coincidence. I think he is giving her a very unfortunate message. He decides how "worthy" she is and as a further slap in the face, he buys a motorcyle for himself that is worth more than her ring. He values himself far more than her. He''s told her in words and actions that her feelings and desires are not of great importance to him. He sounds like a bitter, resentful person, to me.

 

[Winks_Elf]

My ex-husband pulled this crap with me too. My diamond cost $5,500, and the next month he went out and bought himself a $45k car that he paid cash with. It was a point of contention with us the entire marriage.

 

[audball]

More than anything, I was horrified that he didn''t want to invest any money into the ring for the sole reason that ''it could go bust''. Sorry, I wouldn''t be interested in somehow who was banking on our failure. It was also horrid that he purposely chose something she didn''t want. What kind of guy would do that?

 

[Jypsie]

WOW! There are a LOT of trust issues that are discussed in her post. How can you marry someone that you don''t feel respects you the way you deserve to be respected - or expect to be respected? Scary!!

If I was this girl, I would absolutely, without a doubt have a serious heart-to-heart - "Hon, you know I love you, so we need to talk to get on the same page." Setup the agreement to stop the conversation when anger starts talking and reconvene when the emotions are back to neutral. It''s difficult to do, but these two really need to discuss a LOT of things before they get married, or I fear it won''t work. Trust is such a HUGE issue in marriage, if you don''t trust each other, you can''t respect each other, if you don''t respect each other, eventually you''re going to get tired of it and need something else.

 

[purselover]

I think this is outrageous

he def still seems way too bitter about his divorce, if SO proposed to me with a ring I didn''t want and his response was that you shouldn''t invest money in something you don''t know will last, I would tell home exactly where that ring can go!

 

[musey]

Date: 12/23/2008 8:51:11 AM
Author: MoonWater

Date: 12/23/2008 6:46:47 AM
Author: gwendolyn

I mean, whenever anyone''s buying anyone else a gift for any occasion (not just engagements), it''s generally advisable to get them something they''d prefer, rather than what you yourself (as the gift-giver) would prefer. There''s a reason engagement rings are a tradition, and not engagement power drills, y''know?

Ha, I should have read your post before posting!

THRITTO. I''ve never understood the guys that show up on PS touting "It''s my money, and I don''t care if she likes princess cuts. I like rounds, so that''s what she''s getting."

YEESH those guys bug me to NO END. And they always tell me I''m just a selfish controlling woman, and their girlfriend will love it no matter what. Yes, of course she will love that it came from you and what it represents, but that won''t always make her love it. Besides, how is saying that you should get her something she likes selfish and controlling?! It''s just common sense. Plain and simple. Aren''t they the selfish and controlling ones for completely disregarding what the recipient of such an important gift would love?

Ok, rant over. Sorry.

 

[Haven]

It sounds like this couple has problems that extend far beyond the engagement ring and motorcycle purchase. I hope they work them out before they proceed with their marriage.

 

[musey]

sorry, double post!