engagement party etiquette

[sillyberry]

So my MOH is pretty much the awesomest ever and she wants to host an engagement party for my FI and me in a city where she lives and I will soon live again and where 12 wedding invitees live. Which is great! It isn't really the right time to have an engagement party, considering the wedding is 2 months away, but I didn't want anyone to buy presents so we thought that was better than a couples shower. There is a delightful cherry blossom theme emerging and it should be fun!

One question though.

I have a group of future coworkers (6 people including their SOs) that I like very much, but didn't invite to the wedding because we're already way over our target number (I didn't feel right inviting one and not all) and after working with them for just a summer asking them to go to effectively a destination wedding seemed a bit too much. But I do like them a whole lot, am excited about working with them starting in the fall, and would love to invite them to the party. But everything I've read says that no one should be invited to any pre-wedding festivity if they are not invited to the wedding.

So is it in horribly bad form to invite them to the party?

PS - vc, I think this is the weekend you're in KC (last weekend in March). Otherwise, wanna come?

 

[vc10um]

Well, if you're going by the etiquette books, you're right...they shouldn't be invited to the engagement party, or you should invite them to both.

But, I think it's all in how you "brand" the celebration.

I mean, if your MOH wants to throw you a "SB and her FI are in town for the weekend...join us for drinks and laughs!" party...then I say you can invite whomever you desire! And if someone gives a toast to the happy couple, then so be it!

But if you're going to bill it as an engagement party, you might have some disappointed future coworkers if you invite them to the party but not the wedding. Because, as much as our generation is getting a bit more lax on the wedding-related etiquette, some people are still VERY well-versed in how weddings and their surrounding events should be handled.

On the other hand, because they're somewhat a distinct group in and of themselves...can you have an informal gathering at a bar or restaurant with just your future coworkers, and then your MOH can throw the engagement party for the wedding invitees?

Oh, and I'm TOTALLY in Kansas City that weekend! Gah! Any chance you're getting into town before Friday morning or staying until sometime on Tuesday??? And how soon is "soon" for moving back here???

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Agree with VC.. It's all about how you phrase it. If it's strictly an engagement party and going to be billed as such, I would not invite them.

If it's an informal event, no gifts, and a get together then yes you can invite them. Although, will you feel awkward (no right or wrong answer here) if they are the only people not invited to the wedding and everyone else is talking about it?

That's one of the reasons why you don't invite people uninvited to wedding events. Your other guests will be chatting about how excited they are and asking you questions, therefor making the others feel left out or upset.

What a nice friend to throw you a party!

 

[meresal]

I would not invite them.

 

[Haven]

This is tough--is your friend calling it an engagement party? If so, I wouldn't invite the coworkers.

However, I agree with some of the previous posters that if this is packaged as something *other* than an engagement party, you could totally invite them. Also, you know these people best--are they the type to get their panties in a bunch if they're invited to a sorta pre-wedding event but not the wedding? OR, are they the type to embrace the opportunity to party with you and do a little celebrating?

 

[sillyberry]

Thanks everyone! I can always count on great advice from the ladies here.

Best I can tell...they would be happy to come and celebrate and probably wouldn't care in the slightest about not being invited to come to our wedding. In fact, they would probably be relieved they don't have to decline and feel obligated to send a gift! I know one will be in Belize that weekend anyway. It's really an in-between friendship. I spent a lot of time with them over a short period of time in Summer '09, can't wait to resume our friendship, but haven't seen them in over a year! If the wedding was a year from now, after I started work, I'm guessing they would have been automatic invites.

But I think I'm going to take vc's advice and see if they want to get together for a drink Friday night. A little bit of a downer because I actually think they would get along really well with my other friends (although WAY too many lawyers at the party!), but I don't want to risk any hurt feelings. And if they're not free Friday night and suggest Saturday, I'll just ask them if they would like to come to the shindig.

And, yes, I do have an absolutely amazing MOH. She has gone so far above and beyond the call of duty that I don't know how I will ever thank her properly! It helps that (1) she used to be a professional event planner, (2) she and her husband love to throw parties, and (3) she's currently unemployed and really really bored, but still.

 

[amc80]

I just got an invite for a bridal shower, for a wedding to which I'm not invited. The wedding is half way across the country and both the bride and groom have huge families, so I can sort of see why I wasn't invited. Not to mention we aren't super close, but we do keep in touch. Anyway, I was surprised when I got the bridal shower invite. My first reaction was "um, I'm not even invited to the wedding, why am I invited to this?". Followed by my second reaction of "it's not like I would have gone to the wedding anyway, so it will be nice to hang out and give her a gift."

So really, I think it depends on your friends. Sometimes the rules of etiquette can be bent to your situation, as long as you know nobody would be offended.

 

[Haven]

It sounds like your friends are really cool, and they would be happy to celebrate with you. I would totally invite them to the PARTAY!