Engagement party - am I being unreasonable?

[katica]

Thanks for welcoming me in my other thread, you guys are the best. I am having an engagement party issue. Next weekend we''re supposed to go out with good friends to a restaurant and generally party and celebrate our engagement. There''s this one guy who''s an old friend of my fiance and generally a nice guy. My fiance suggested to me that this friend bring his new ''girlfriend'' who he met last weekend at a club. I''m not really happy about this because I don''t want it to be a "meet X''s new girlfriend" party, I want it to be our ENGAGEMENT party. And I don''t want some stranger in the pictures who we might never see again. Am I being bridezilla?? Everyone else who''ll be there will either be old friends or their longterm partners..

Also, if I am not being totally crazy, how do we put this delicately to our friend?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I really don''t think people will be focusing on the new gf
just relax and try to have a good time

 

[LilyOfTheValley]

Not bridezilla at all. I *totally* see where you''re coming from.

I would say, "Hey, I''d love to double date sometime! It''s just that for our engagement party, I would feel more comfortable and prefer to be surrounded by the people that I already know and feel closed to."

Lastly, DO NOT apologize for this. Apologizing for something that you clearly should never have to apologize for automatically makes you look like you''re being the bad guy (because, otherwise, why else would you be apologizing, right?).

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 3/8/2009 7:34:17 PM
Author: LilyOfTheValley
Not bridezilla at all. I *totally* see where you''re coming from.


I would say, ''Hey, I''d love to double date sometime! It''s just that for our engagement party, I would feel more comfortable and prefer to be surrounded by the people that I already know and feel closed to.''


Lastly, DO NOT apologize for this. Apologizing for something that you clearly should never have to apologize for automatically makes you look like you''re being the bad guy (because, otherwise, why else would you be apologizing, right?).

Ditto Lilly.

 

[kama_s]

Congratulations on your engagement! Personally, if he''s not the type to date a new chick every week, I would think this would be a great opportunity to meet her and welcome her to your friend circle. Just my opinion.

 

[galvana]

JMO but I do kind of think you are being Bridezilla-y.
Who cares if this guy brings a "new" girl.. Everyone is going to be there for YOU and everyone will be focused on YOU.

I wouldn''t care if one of our friends had a new girl to bring = more people to say congrats to us!

 

[KimberlyH]

It sounds like a pretty casual get together for you and your friends to celebrate, I don''t see the problem in her being there. If you''re concerned about pictures find a way to take some without her ("Lets get a shot of the BFFs!" or have her take a picture or two).

 

[Inanna]

I think you''ve got to pick and choose your battles, and I really don''t think there''s any chance whatsoever that YOUR engagement party is going to turn into a meet so-and-so party.

Just think of all the events that will be held in YOUR honor: engagement party, bridal shower, baccelorette party, rehearsal dinner, and finally YOUR WEDDING (and lets not forget the honeymoon). Brides and grooms, quite understandably, stress over the wedding invite list and "plus 1" issues... do you really want to start stressing yourself out this early over one extra person at a casual engagement party?

Smurfy said it best - relax and have a good time!

 

[Bliss]

I totally understand! It's a touchy situation... Is this friend a type to always bring a new girl around? One week sounds very new for a guy to be taking a new girl to an engagement party! I wouldn't do it if it were me... engagement parties are very special, intimate affairs. But then again, if this relationship is LOVE and they end up getting married -- who knows? It could be the real deal.

I would be slightly annoyed but the fun you'll have will make you forget the whole thing. Try to think of other things! Hey, we were all single before. They're just trying to find love and celebrate, too.

 

[JulieN]

I think you're being bridezilla-ish, but it depends.

If you're having a casual get-together, then, yes. If it's a seated dinner or something at 100-300pp, then, no.

 

[katica]

Thanks guys, I see there''s a mix of opinions.
I explained this all to my fiance and he sees where I''m coming from. You see if these were your regular guys I wouldn''t worry at all.. but whenever one of the guys brings out a new girl, the guys make her the centre of attention and they give her the princess treatment (it might be a cultural thing - we''re all European). I remember, the same thing happened to me when I started dating my fiance! I mean, they practically only talked to me for entire nights out... On some level there is nothing is wrong with that, it helps the dates to feel special and comfortable but I don''t want that time to be at our engagement party. Plus.. last weekend this guy and another good guy friend double dated with this new girl and her friend, so what if they want to invite this SECOND other girl I''ve never met.. I have no problem welcoming them to our group of friends but can''t it be at a more casual event like when we''re going out all together for no special reason?
I do admit that this specific guy is not the type to date a different girl every week. In fact he hasn''t brought any girl out with our group in the two years I''ve known him. So there''s a chance he actually likes her more than for just a fling..I wish him all the happiness in the world but I''d prefer her introduction at a different time and place.
That''s just some more background - keep the opinions coming please. I have a thick skin so don''t be afraid to tell me I''m being crazy.
And yes everyone else that will be there we have known for a long time.

Maybe I''ll have my fiance ask him straight up if he actually likes this girl or just plans to have fun for a few weeks. If he actually likes her I''ll re-evaluate. It would help if I can meet her beforehand.

 

[mrscushion]

Katica, I was originally going to advise you to leave it be, but I just saw your additional explanation, which makes me think you''re right in postponing the new girl''s introduction to a "lesser" occasion. I think if your FI agrees with you, then he should suggest to his friend to leave the girl at home and set up another meet-and-greet for a later date (perhaps over dinner/drinks at you guys'' house?).

 

[LilyOfTheValley]

Date: 3/8/2009 8:57:12 PM
Author: mscushion
Katica, I was originally going to advise you to leave it be, but I just saw your additional explanation, which makes me think you''re right in postponing the new girl''s introduction to a ''lesser'' occasion. I think if your FI agrees with you, then he should suggest to his friend to leave the girl at home and set up another meet-and-greet for a later date (perhaps over dinner/drinks at you guys'' house?).

2nd this. Now that you''ve provided more information and explanation, I''d seriously say something if I were you. This is not a time and place to have her...or possibly TWO girls that you don''t even know.

 

[princesss]

If he''s not the kind of guy to bring a new girl around very often, I think you should ask him to bring her. Seriously, you get a wedding day to be about you. Not every pre-wedding event.

If they end up being really serious and you are around her a lot, can you imagine what she would think if she found out you put off meeting her because you wanted all of the attention? Compare that to what she would think if, as a new girlfriend, she was embraced by her new BF''s friends, and was invited to an engagement party. I''d be touched if a new BF''s friends welcomed me to such a happy event.

I guess I''d just envision how I''d want to be treated as a new GF and what relationship I''d want with the new GF and act accordingly.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 3/8/2009 9:59:45 PM
Author: princesss
If he''s not the kind of guy to bring a new girl around very often, I think you should ask him to bring her. Seriously, you get a wedding day to be about you. Not every pre-wedding event.


If they end up being really serious and you are around her a lot, can you imagine what she would think if she found out you put off meeting her because you wanted all of the attention? Compare that to what she would think if, as a new girlfriend, she was embraced by her new BF''s friends, and was invited to an engagement party. I''d be touched if a new BF''s friends welcomed me to such a happy event.


I guess I''d just envision how I''d want to be treated as a new GF and what relationship I''d want with the new GF and act accordingly.

I kind of agree with Princess. I know its tough to step back, and honestly, if I were him and knew what I know about the situation, I''d probably have not asked to bring her, but since he did, I don''t see how you can graciously say no, and agree with Princess about the potential long term consequences.

 

[KimberlyH]

I don't think your crazy, but even with what you shared I still think you shouldn't say she isn't welcome. I get that you want this to be a celebration that is about you as a couple, but by not wanting her there it sounds a bit "BUT IT'S MY (FIRST) BIG NIGHT!!!", when you have more to come.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 3/8/2009 9:59:45 PM
Author: princesss
If he''s not the kind of guy to bring a new girl around very often, I think you should ask him to bring her. Seriously, you get a wedding day to be about you. Not every pre-wedding event.

If they end up being really serious and you are around her a lot, can you imagine what she would think if she found out you put off meeting her because you wanted all of the attention? Compare that to what she would think if, as a new girlfriend, she was embraced by her new BF''s friends, and was invited to an engagement party. I''d be touched if a new BF''s friends welcomed me to such a happy event.

I guess I''d just envision how I''d want to be treated as a new GF and what relationship I''d want with the new GF and act accordingly.

Ditto this-I do think you''re being bridezilla-y. I also really doubt your friends will only pay attention to her since it''s your engagement party.

 

[tessari]

I agree with princess and those who say to let it go. If other single guys are there and you go for drinks after dinner are you going to tell them that they cannot hit on girls at the bar that are not part of your group? Obviously not.
Personally I always say the more the merrier and I am counting in plus ones for all my single guests. The only times I (and I know not everyone thinks this way) am okay with excluding dates is ladies-only events and one-on-one outings. But that is just me!

 

[musey]

I suppose it depends on your definition of bridezilla. If you mean being insanely self-centered and demanding, then no, you''re not being a bzilla. If you mean wanting the party to be all about you and your new FI, then yes, you are being a bzilla.

I don''t think that, under the fully-explained circumstances, it''s completely unfair of you to ask that the party be limited to just your friends and not unknown SOs.


Regardless, I don''t think your welcoming of this girl should be dependent on the seriousness of their relationship (which honestly, I SINCERELY doubt either of them would even KNOW at this point). If you want the party to just be a party, invite her. If you want it to be a very intimate gathering of your closest friends, talk to your FI a little more about limiting the list.

Just my $0.02.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 3/9/2009 2:39:21 PM
Author: musey
I suppose it depends on your definition of bridezilla. If you mean being insanely self-centered and demanding, then no, you''re not being a bzilla. If you mean wanting the party to be all about you and your new FI, then yes, you are being a bzilla.

I don''t think that, under the fully-explained circumstances, it''s completely unfair of you to ask that the party be limited to just your friends and not unknown SOs.

Regardless, I don''t think your welcoming of this girl should be dependent on the seriousness of their relationship (which honestly, I SINCERELY doubt either of them would even KNOW at this point). If you want the party to just be a party, invite her. If you want it to be a very intimate gathering of your closest friends, talk to your FI a little more about limiting the list.

Just my $0.02.

Ditto.

 

[tlh]

Date: 3/8/2009 7:08:45 PM
Author:katica
Thanks for welcoming me in my other thread, you guys are the best. I am having an engagement party issue. Next weekend we''re supposed to go out with good friends to a restaurant and generally party and celebrate our engagement. There''s this one guy who''s an old friend of my fiance and generally a nice guy. My fiance suggested to me that this friend bring his new ''girlfriend'' who he met last weekend at a club. I''m not really happy about this because I don''t want it to be a ''meet X''s new girlfriend'' party, I want it to be our ENGAGEMENT party. And I don''t want some stranger in the pictures who we might never see again. Am I being bridezilla?? Everyone else who''ll be there will either be old friends or their longterm partners..

Also, if I am not being totally crazy, how do we put this delicately to our friend?

YUP. You are being bride-zilla-y. I understand this if it were a date to a wedding... I totally get your point... at my DHs and my engagement party, his bro brought random shack with girl, and we now laugh about it. She was quite nice, but was the party about them? IN NO WAY. It was just someone who was excited about our moment... who was hoping to find her mr. right, someday too.

I understand that guys want to treat the new girl well, and that is awesome. I can see where you are coming from... HOWEVER, you''ve said you''ve met her before... maybe instead of asking him NOT to bring her... ask if he could bring her to meet people to some other function BEFORE HAND... so that princess thing is out of the way. Just my change in the take it or leave it jar.

 

[katica]

Thanks again.

Tlh, I haven''t met her. Only one other person in our group has. However your point and the points of others who say let it go are well taken. I see your points ladies, especially about possible hard feeings down the line which I would want to avoid. I think she would understand though - I mean he met the girl a WEEK ago.

I did mean it to be just a gathering of good friends. Also if we start reminiscing about old times I would hate to be on guard in front of this new girl when telling stories about the guy friend and what not, for fear of her getting a bad or wrong impression of him; not that he''s a bad guy but I''m sure he''d prefer to decide when and what to disclose to her.

Anyways, I''m not going to say anything I guess. I''ll hope that he won''t bring her but I''ll deal with it if he does. It looks as if he won''t be inviting her though - my fiance spoke to our other friend who told him this. We''ll see.

I''ll keep you guys updated - and thanks again for all your opinions - both pro and con.

 

[elrohwen]

I don''t think it''s a big deal unless you''re paying for all of the food. If you are paying, then you have a right to decide who comes and who doesn''t. If you''re not paying, don''t worry about it! Nobody will be paying any attention to the new GF.

 

[Haven]

I''m glad to see you don''t plan on saying anything, as I do think that would be a "bridezilla" thing to do. Enjoy your party, and don''t get caught up in worrying about this situation before it''s even an issue.

Congrats!

 

[princesss]

Date: 3/9/2009 8:34:14 PM
Author: katica


Anyways, I''m not going to say anything I guess. I''ll hope that he won''t bring her but I''ll deal with it if he does. It looks as if he won''t be inviting her though - my fiance spoke to our other friend who told him this. We''ll see.


I''ll keep you guys updated - and thanks again for all your opinions - both pro and con.

That sounds like the best way to handle this. I hope he''ll have some sense and not bring her, but would have been a bit harsh to just say, "No, she can''t come." Fingers crossed that this works out perfectly for you.