Wedding Engagement Limbo

[bettina]

So, we''ve been engaged for 10 months now with no real idea on when/how we''re actually going to "do the deed." It''s killing me because I know we want a house --> marriage --> kids in that order but my maternal drive is about to take over my entire being. We''re working on the house part right now (and it''s going really well) and we''ll be setting a date after we get settled in our new home. But as for now we have no date/budget/ideas. It kinda hurts to see everyone planning their big day and not knowing when ours is.

How do you deal with engagement limbo?

Know any good marriage preparation books to help?

 

[Hera]

Why can''t there be a switch in the plans like marriage-house-kids or even marriage-kids-house. In my opinion, I think it''s best to get married before buying a house. Sometimes men become very comfortable about living together and can make a wedding that much further away.

 

[bettina]

heraanderson - We thought about that, but we''re living with family right now and we agreed it''d be awkward to come back from the honeymoon to the bedroom we''re borrowing in the back of his parents'' house. We moved recently and we''re not set up yet. The time line''s not bothering me as much as my lack of patience - not one of my virtues. He''s already said as soon as the house goes through we can set a date, so I don''t think he''s procrastinating. I guess I''m just looking for a productive distraction for now.

 

[Hera]

Then why not set a date now? Why wait til you move?

 

[rubybeth]

bettina, I feel for you! It sucks to want things ''in the right order'' but have little control over the timing of those things. I guess I can understand why it wouldn''t be wise to set a date before moving into a house--especially if you''re building, those timelines can change and then you''d not only be dealing with moving, you''d have wedding stress, too. Ugh!

Have you started scoping out things that you CAN control, like venue (church, outside, etc.), your dress, wedding rings, that kind of fun thing? You can get a lot of ''work'' done on the wedding part of this, without having a date. If you know your guestlist and what kind of flowers you want and that you definitely want a certain color, that can make things much easier down the line when you do have a date. I planned our wedding in six months, so I know it can be done!

Good luck!

 

[bettina]

Oh, I have the dress (Maggie Sottero) and the rings (awesome deal on his, btw) but since we''re not sure if we want to elope to chicago for a few or have the big hoopla where we are it''s hard to plan. And then there''s the budget, or lack thereof, which affects the whole thing. And then there''s time off. We''re law enforcement and understaffed so time off is a hot commodity and easily revoked. I don''t much care about the flowers, the invites (or announcements) are already handmade without the details of when or where, the cake''s picked out... There''s so much riding on whether our budget is $500 or $5000 that it''s hard to plan. At least normal high costs like the rings and dress are already covered.

The good news is that we talked and he''s all up for the premarital counseling thing. I''m going to look into that and start crafting things for our new home and kids. Some of those things take a long time to make.

 

[redfaerythinker]

bettina- I am in your same situation. I've been engaged since May and we don't have a date set. We want to wait until we finish school and both have jobs so it could be another two years

. I've tried to make myself feel less in limbo by imagining my wedding day. It's been lots of fun and when I finally do get around to really planning I'll know exactly what I want. What might help in your situation is the envision a couple of different scenarios. It might make you feel much more secure so that no matter what happens you'll be prepared. Much less stress that way I think!

 

[merrymunky]

You just posted a message expressing similar feelings to my own.

However, I have been engaged for 4.5 years. I have all but given up hope of a wedding. Sometimes my FI is really open to discussion about it but we have issues in getting it set too.

I also would love to have an order to events. Mine is marriage before kids, for sure. The house can come anywhere in that mix, but I would love to be married before I have children. I want my family to all share the surname of my FI. We have been renting together for 6 years now so a long as we have a roof over our heads I don''t mind whether we own or rent in marriage.

Finance is always a big factor in us putting it back. We initially said a two year engagement would be planty yet here we are 4.5 years later and still no date. My FI sometimes gets really defensive about it. I know a part of him is terrified to commit to marriage, even though we ahve been together for almost 7 years. Neither of is is on the look out for something better, we are happy (most of the time!!) He is an only child and has been used to that independance whereas I come from a three child home so am used to the sharing everything.

I can''t see marriage changing how we feel about each other. We are 28 and 32 years ol, but still really njoy our social life in the alternative/rock scene. That will not change. I will feel more secure and happy.

At the moment finance is the main issue. We are paying off a lon for our car so until that is cleared, a wedding cannot be planned. He has said that after the loan is paid we will discuss setting the date. I already know what venue I would like. I would like to set the wedding for sometime in 2010. That way it gives me a good year and a half to lose the weight I so desperately need to shed. I am very overweight so do not want to marry looking like this. I also need to be healthy in time to start a family when I am 30. So...clear loan, set date, lose weight, marriage then kids seems logical.

I have a fear that he will find some other excuse. I have been in limbo for over 2 years now since the initial 2 years was up. I sympathise with you.

As you can see, I do not have answers, but I just wanted yu to know you are not alone.

 

[Gypsy]

I have been there, from the other side however. I was the one causing most of the delays. We had been living together for over 9 years when we got married-- and engaged for over four of those years. I did plan weddings for us (deposits, dress... etc), but each time things went wrong and I didn''t have it in me to push through and MAKE things work out, so I just cancelled them. And each time I cancelled a part of me was relieved.

Then some things changed, and it just clicked and I was a planning demon and when things went wrong, I MADE it work.

We''ve been married for a little over a month now, and it feels different. It''s hard to describe, but it is different. Yes, more secure and happy. And more. But I can''t help thinking that some of the contentment and the ''more'' comes from having gotten married at when it was finally right.

Counselling is a good idea. My husband wanted to get married 6 months after we met. And very much wanted us married and settled far before the date when we actually did it. But it wasn''t right for me, in some fundemental ways that I needed to work outr individually, and that we needed to work out as a couple. We''ve both been in couselling, together or individually on and off, and it helped. Yes, it took us a long time to get to the altar, but it was worth the security of KNOWING on that day that it was just right, without any lingering doubts.

Everyone''s roads are different, and I''m not advocating ours as the right road. But It was right for us. And yes, it was hard to see friends and family get married ahead of us, when we''d been together or engaged far longer than they had, but... still it was worth it. You can''t timeline against anyone else.

Anyway, I just wanted to offer you a different perspective.

 

[bettina]

I appreciate all the imput, as always. I''m sure it''ll work out okay. It''s nice to know I''m not the only one in this boat. I think we''ve found our house, so things are on their way. I''m going to do the plan scenerios thing. I have a few ideas.