Engagement disaster!

[blodthecat]

Hi Guys,

Tell me what you think about this.

My cousin Steve has been with his girlfriend for about 2.5-years. They have talked about getting engaged and saving a deposit for a house etc.

A few weeks ago, Steve said he had thought about giving Helen his mothers engagement ring (his mother died 5-years ago). He showed me the ring, which was a platinum solitaire, set with 3 small diamonds on either side of the shank. The stone is approximately .50ct

I am not a expert, but i got my loop out for a closer look. It really is a very clean and well cut diamond. A real eye catcher. I told Steve that I thought the ring was really, really beautiful. And if it was me, I would love to have it as an engagement ring.

I suggested he took it to a jeweller to have the setting checked, cleaned and the platinum shank polished. The next time I saw Steve was last Saturday. He had the ring with him, which was absolutely gleaming. He had also purchased one of those vintage boxes for it. The plan was they were going out for a romatic meal, and he planned to give her the ring.

I was so upset when Steve phoned on Sunday morning and said that Helen had turned him down. The reason she gave was that she didn''t feel it was the right time. Apparently, she didn''t even take the ring out of the box for a look.

Steve was really upset...but what made it worse was the phone call he got on Sunday morning, saying she was so upset that he had presented her with his mothers ring....and that the whole proposal had been spoilt!

I wish i had kept my mouth shut now, and not given my opinion. If I was presented with a cherished family ring, which was absolutely beautiful, It would have really meant something to me. I don''t think I would have been offended or thought that Steve was just trying to go cheap on me!

Would anyone else out there have taken offence at this ring??

Bloddie

 

[Lorelei]

Blods you haven't done anything wrong. Manys the time a family heirloom is presented to the bride to be and is received with joy, no I wouldn't have had a problem with that, most non diamond obsessed girls in the UK wouldn't either I suspect. Why is she complaining about the ring if she didn't even bother looking at it, regardless of whether it was his Mother's or not? Maybe we will never know the reason why she feels this way, maybe she wanted to pick her own ring, didn't want an heirloom, or just got cold feet when the proposal actually happened. However if she really wanted to marry him she would have accepted no ring or a can pull with joy, so I think there must be more to this than meets the eye. It doesn't bode well IMO that she is so upset over him " ruining" the proposal - which he didn't, if she was truly so upset over the ring which she didn't even see because it was his Mothers, she could have either accepted it with grace and worn it and then if it mattered that much broached the subject of choosing her own for an anniversary later on, but maybe she just is truly torn and isn't ready for commitment and the ring was a convenient excuse. I may be wrong Bloddie but I don't think this is as straightforward as just being over the ring and there may be other issues, but don't worry my friend, you were just trying to help your cousin out and it might not have gone well with or without your input so don't blame yourself for ruining things for him, you didn't. It sounds as if she doesn't know what she wants at the moment - saying that night that it wasn't the right time, then the angry phone call about it being his Mother's ring and he ruined things, definitely smacks of indecision to me.

 

[MiniMouse]

Oh Blod, that''s an awful thing to happen. I''m so sorry. I do have to say that the rejection must be due to deeper issues and not the engagement ring itself (which on this occasion could be a convenient excuse). I think we would all agree that an engagement ring is merely a symbol and if we really love our partner, then we''re happy to accept a proposal whether it be with or without a ring, or a handed down or new ring. It seems that Helen wasn''t even interested in the ring at all, so I suspect it''s because she just didn''t want to accept the proposal, for her own reasons. If material thoughts were going through her mind (certain expectations of an engagement ring), then perhaps she might have looked at the ring first, but she didn''t, so I tend to think it wasn''t the ring itself that caused the rejection. There again, if Steve mentioned (before waiting for her answer) that it was his mother''s ring, then maybe it did upset her, perhaps she would have preferred a ring specially chosen for her, but should she really turn down a man (if she loves him) just because of a ring? It doesn''t sit right with me. If I had a fiance who proposed with his mother''s engagement ring, it wouldn''t be my preference, but I certainly would not turn him down on the basis of the ring not being what I wanted. I would say YES and perhaps another day suggest that perhaps we could reset the diamond in a ring that would be more of my choosing. I certainly wouldn''t want to spoil the moment. I certainly wouldn''t turn down the man I loved just because of a ring. No, I do think Helen has other reasons for the rejection. you shouldn''t feel guilty about anything, just sad.

 

[MiniMouse]

Lorelei, our posts have crossed, but I think we''re on the same lines, there''s more to this story than just the ring.

Blod, Steve should think himself lucky that he didn''t spend a whole heap of money, there may have been a different excuse in the wings. I think Lorelei is right, she is indecisive and doesn''t know what she wants, so it''s easy to come up with excuses.

 

[Lorelei]

Great minds think alike Min!

Poor Bloddie it is a rotten thing to happen and it isn''t her fault, I hope we can make her feel a bit better.

 

[tanuki]

The problem is with the relationship - not with the ring. The problem is that he just isn''t Mr Right. Which is nobody''s fault. Time to move on. Plenty of other fish in the sea.

 

[perry]

AS a guy who has had a gal say "no" "I''m not ready at this time".... and then worked with her for about a year trying to set up the "right" conditions so she would say yes ... and again have her say no - for another excuse... (not the niceist thing to go through - but I survived)

She did not reject the ring - she rejected him. Then used the "ring" as an excuse.


As painfull as the experience is - it does provide a true indication of her current intent and certain personality traits; which is a very good time to learn it (instead of afterwords).

Perry

 

[koko]

Very well said, Perry....(or it could have been "that time of the month")......But really, I think Perry is 100% correct. I hope your friend doesn''t beat himself up too much over this, or think that it really was his choice of a ring. Hope he recovers & moves on.

 

[anchor31]

Had been in her place, I would have been honoured that my boyfriend had chosen to offer me his mother''s ring, especially if he had a good relationship with her before she died. It sounds like a very beautiful and precious ring too!

So... I agree with the others. It''s just an excuse.

 

[blodthecat]

Date: 1/30/2006 6:04:29 AM
Author: Lorelei
Great minds think alike Min!

Poor Bloddie it is a rotten thing to happen and it isn''t her fault, I hope we can make her feel a bit better.

Thank you so much, you have all made me feel much, much better. I have been drowning in guilt since this happened, thinking I should have kept my opinion to myself.

I think Lorelei and mini have hit the nail on the head, there are probably a lot more issues under the surface.

I am just so sad for Steve....He is really hurt and confused. I just hope she talks to him, and tells him what is really going on.

Thanks again for your comments!

Bloddie

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 1/30/2006 8:45:41 AM
Author: anchor31
Had been in her place, I would have been honoured that my boyfriend had chosen to offer me his mother''s ring, especially if he had a good relationship with her before she died. It sounds like a very beautiful and precious ring too!

So... I agree with the others. It''s just an excuse.

Yes, being presented with a family ring is an honor. IMHO, it adds a sense of "forever".

I concur - it''s an excuse unless something else is going on with the mother thing - Was the mother ugly to her? didn''t like her? If so, then maybe the ring symbolizes something unpleasant. If not, he should move along to a women who would appreciate the symbol of welcome to a whole family.

 

[Jelly]

Steve is a lucky guy to have found out how materialistic his GF is now when he still has a chance to get out of the relationship!

Perhaps there are bigger issues in the relationship that need to be worked out.

 

[IndiBlue]

Poor guy- My heart goes out to him. What a touch decision to have made in the first place and now to be rejected- I can''t even imagine how upset I would be.

I''m a similar situation though in terms of rings. My FI purposed without a ring. Now, that we''re looking we have been offered the center stone from his mother''s setting. The diamond was orginally My FI''s grandfather''s Aunts and was given to his mother 30 years ago.
Although the marriage that this diamond is coming from didn''t work out, I''m more then proud to wear something that is well over 100 years old.
Papaw died almost 3 years ago and he was 92- so his Aunt probably received the original ring in 1880-1890...

I''ve yet to see it, but honestly it doesn''t matter. I will wear it proudly!

 

[Lorelei]

Indi that sounds like a real treasure and we would LOVE to see pics when you can! Congratulations

 

[HOUMedGal]

Date: 1/30/2006 8:45:41 AM
Author: anchor31
Had been in her place, I would have been honoured that my boyfriend had chosen to offer me his mother''s ring, especially if he had a good relationship with her before she died. It sounds like a very beautiful and precious ring too!

So... I agree with the others. It''s just an excuse.

Agreed.

 

[HOUMedGal]

Date: 1/30/2006 10:43:36 AM
Author: Jelly
Steve is a lucky guy to have found out how materialistic his GF is now when he still has a chance to get out of the relationship!

Perhaps there are bigger issues in the relationship that need to be worked out.

And also agreed!

 

[moon river]

I think the fact that his mother is deceased makes it more special that he was proposing with it, not that he was being cheap. It takes all kinds to make the world go ''round. She obviously has more problems w/the relationship than he knows about. Let him know our thoughts on the subject so he doesn''t feel so bad.

 

[decodelighted]

The only way I think I personally could have "been thrown" then reacted badly on the receiving end of that proposal is if

A) Steve had a "too close" relationship with his mother and I''d feel oddly like I''d have to live up to her wearing her ring ... or like he really wanted another mother instead of a wife.

B) We''d specifically discussed engagment rings, he''d solicited my opinions & desires, and then totally ignored them for an heirloom ring with no warning.

But, like the others have suggested, this whole thing smacks of "other issues". The reverse version of "He''s Just Not That Into You". Regardless, he deserves someone who IS into him and who will act accordingly.

Sorry you got caught up in this melodrama, Blod.

 

[SarFarSuperstar]

That is a horrible horrible situation! My fiance gave me his grandmothers engagement ring (which actually sounds identical to the one Steve gave Helen- .50 carats but two melee .02s on each side of center stone) and I am proud to wear it every day. It''s a beautiful stone, well cut and sparkly, and it means SO much more to me because I know how close he was to his grandmother and how much she meant to him. It also means more because it was his maternal grandmother and the ring was in his mother''s possession, so his mother gave it to him knowing and approving that he was giving it to me. I am so happy that I have this ring as my engagement ring and I hope that it will passed down after my fiance and I are gone.

I agree with all of the other posters that it was Steve, sadly, who was rejected and not the ring. I hope he finds another girl who is more deserving of his good intentions!

 

[codex57]

Tell him to dump her. Cut his losses. She''s not ready. However, this kinda stuff is bad. She''s just gonna keep shoving it in his face until he can''t take it no more. Best to cut the cords now before he wastes anymore time.

Yes, not cheery, but guys tend to be blunt. I just see too many red flags and too many divorces.