Wedding Eloping and Family Issues- any tips?

[WishfulThinking]

We''d obviously discussed it beforehand, but now that FI and I are all booked to elope, the reality of potential family issues is more daunting than ever.

We really do not want to lie to anyone, but if we tell one person we will end up with a mess because not everyone would be able to make it to our ceremony... which is the whole point of eloping just the two of us. It would be lovely to have our immediate families there, but that isn''t possible given the time constraints, weekday date, and spatial realities.

That said, this is only practical if you look at it rationally. FI''s family who are an hour away from where we are eloping to are probably going to be hurt that they weren''t there. At the risk of sounding biased my parents are a little bit more reasonable, but in this case they are definitely more reasonable because they are the ones that really can''t make it, and thus the reason why no one is being included. They will understand that, since they couldn''t make it, the situation is what it is. For FI''s mom, especially, who *could* make it... this might turn into an issue.

We know that what we''re doing is right for us and are ready to defend our choice calmly and kindly. However, that doesn''t guarantee a rational ear on the other end of the line, if you know what I mean.

For those of you who eloped, did you tell anyone beforehand? How did your families and friends react when they found out? Any tips on how to deal with disgruntled family members who just can''t understand why we did it this way?

Thanks in advance everyone!

 

[marchswallowbird]

I haven''t eloped, so I can''t speak from experience, but here''s my 2 cents. You don''t have to lie to anyone if you don''t tell anyone. Either tell everyone you are eloping, or don''t tell anyone. Disgruntled family will get over it eventually. Especially if you hold a "reception" or a party afterwards, where everyone can come and share in your joy.

 

[vintagecushion]

Hi Wishful,

My fiance and I are eloping. Our way of dealing with it was to tell everybody that this is what we want/will most likely do. There were a lot of objections at first, but then they started to die down once we explained our time/coordination/money constraints. In our case it''s the most practical thing to do and we would have to wait much longer to coordinate a wedding, something neither of us wanted to do. We''ve also been engaged forever so I''m sure the get-married-already! factor worked in our favor but what I found was that a heartfelt explanation, along with letting each person have some time to process worked beautifully. Needless to say, not everybody''s happy but that''s true for a lot of weddings, right?
When it''s time, we will send out official cards. We''re just waiting till we find out who can come to the dinner we''re planning to hold later in that weekend.

Funny to say, an elopement is what we wanted all along but I didn''t want hurt feelings with our families so we couldn''t be happier that it seems to be working out great. We''ll be getting married at city hall, hosting a dinner, then going on a vacation. Oh, and congratulations!!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 10/17/2008 9:02:59 PM
Author: marchswallowbird
I haven''t eloped, so I can''t speak from experience, but here''s my 2 cents. You don''t have to lie to anyone if you don''t tell anyone. Either tell everyone you are eloping, or don''t tell anyone. Disgruntled family will get over it eventually. Especially if you hold a ''reception'' or a party afterwards, where everyone can come and share in your joy.

Agreed. Either no one or everyone should know. The REAL hurt feelings will come in if some people knew and others didn''t. Those who are mad that they didn''t know will get over it eventually...

 

[Babyblue033]

We''re eloping and we''re not telling any of our families. We did tell a few close friends, who all understands that this is what we want to do and we just can''t deal with the family drama right now. I''m sure there will be hurt feelings later (more like tantrums in our cases, crazy families on both sides

) but we decided not to worry about that and try to make this about US and enjoy it to the fullest. We shall deal with the "consequences" later

 

[mia1181]

Yay for elopers!

Shhh.... we told some and "surprised" others!

Well actually, we told everyone more than 3 years ago immediately after we were engaged. Some people handled it well when we explained our reasons, other insisted that they wouldn''t "allow" us to do it. Can you guess which ones were "left out?" My MIL actually insisted that she be there even after we explained it wouldn''t be fair because my parents wouldn''t be able to be there. Might be similar to your situation. Unfortunately, she was an honest risk to just show up if we gave her the details. So we couldn''t tell her or really anyone on her side of the family.

I''m not saying this was the right thing to do, but the way I saw it, I wanted to share it with everyone, But some people just couldn''t handle it. Only you will know how your family will react.

In the end MIL was very stunned and disappointed when we called to tell her the news. But she tried to be nice about it which was fine. Aparently we heard that her response to people who congratulated her was "well they had to do what they had to do." And when we sent her info on our honeymoon, which we were leaving the next day for her response in email was "I guess I am happy for you." That email and every conversation after that ended on a happier note. It was like she had to work her way through it in her head. But on the bright side after seeing our pictures she definitely came around and is now planning a small party for us.

If you do go the secretive route, I would emphasize to people that it was surprise. It makes them feel almost like you did it for them. Just keep saying "we wanted to surprise you" "we knew you''d be so happy for us" And then just continue with all the rational reasons you did it.

 

[WishfulThinking]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

marchswallowbird - You''re right, I''m sure they will get over it. It''s just sort of a tough transitioning time for our parents anyways, especially FI''s parents. A lot of turmoil. This might just make it worse, but honestly there''s not a lot that can be done about the timing. In fact, that''s the main motivators of eloping right now! Unfortunately we will probably not be able to have a "reception" or party because of finances and the same travel issues that are keeping all of our families from being able to attend. Someday we absolutely will have a vow renewal and reception, and they will be central to tha, of course!

vintagecushion - Thanks for th suggestions and congratulations! You''re right that we can''t please everyone anyways. Ultimately people will understand... I think it is just scary to consider their initial reactions, since sometimes family is great at saying or doing hurtful things. Well, at least our families! Rationally speaking there is probably no way to avoid that.

neatfreak - That is what we are trying to do. We just want to make it as fair as possible and not leave anyone out. I am going to tell my sister about it [she is my age] so that someone knows where we are in case something unexpected happens, but that is the only person.

babyblue - We will have a few friends who either know or suspect that we are doing it. Our families are a little bit crazy too, so I can relate!

Thanks for remind me- it''s important to just live it and enjoy it to the fullest and have fun doing something for us for once.

mia - Your situation sounds so much like ours it is eerie! I wish we had had time to prepare people by knowing all along this was what we wanted to do. Such short notice makes it hard. We have the same risk with FI''s mother. It would be lovely to tell everyone beforehand, but if we tell her she might show up, and that would be devastating for my own mother and family who couldn''t be there. I am expecting some sadness and annoyance from my family but I know they will get over it, and I am expecting they will get oer it sooner raher than later. FI is already having rocky times with her family, her mom especially, so it is likely to blow up a bit. Then again, EVERYTHING is turning into a fight with her right now, so it might not matter what we do anyways. If she''s going to freak out no matter what we might as well do what''s best for us!

Overall I think there are a lot of factors at play. We can''t really know how anyone is going o react, and they might be totally reasonable, who knows. I suspect it will be easier for them to accept if prop 8 passes [although I hope it doesn''t!] because then our fears that it will fail will make sense to them. Everyone seems to think there is no way CA could pass that prop but I disagree absolutely, and looking at the current poll numbers I am trying to stay positive but it is not looking good at all. If ss marriages stay legal I''m sure people will be pissed that we spent all this money and "craziness" to preempt something that never happened. I plan to tell them that it was the trip of a lifetime and something we had to do for our own peace of mind. Whether they accept that is ultimately up to them.

 

[mia1181]

mia - Your situation sounds so much like ours it is eerie! I wish we had had time to prepare people by knowing all along this was what we wanted to do. Such short notice makes it hard. We have the same risk with FI''s mother. It would be lovely to tell everyone beforehand, but if we tell her she might show up, and that would be devastating for my own mother and family who couldn''t be there. I am expecting some sadness and annoyance from my family but I know they will get over it, and I am expecting they will get oer it sooner raher than later. FI is already having rocky times with her family, her mom especially, so it is likely to blow up a bit. Then again, EVERYTHING is turning into a fight with her right now, so it might not matter what we do anyways. If she''s going to freak out no matter what we might as well do what''s best for us!

Overall I think there are a lot of factors at play. We can''t really know how anyone is going o react, and they might be totally reasonable, who knows. I suspect it will be easier for them to accept if prop 8 passes [although I hope it doesn''t!] because then our fears that it will fail will make sense to them. Everyone seems to think there is no way CA could pass that prop but I disagree absolutely, and looking at the current poll numbers I am trying to stay positive but it is not looking good at all. If ss marriages stay legal I''m sure people will be pissed that we spent all this money and ''craziness'' to preempt something that never happened. I plan to tell them that it was the trip of a lifetime and something we had to do for our own peace of mind. Whether they accept that is ultimately up to them.

I know, it is really weird how similar our situations are! With my MIL, she was going to be unhappy either way also. It doesn''t sound like you are going to avoid a fight so you might as well go and enjoy your day and deal with the reactions after.

Please don''t feel bad if you do this and Prop 8 gets struck down anyway. I can''t imagine your family wouldn''t understand that it was not worth the risk for you to wait. There a ton of great solid reasons to elope, but if there''s a chance you might not be allowed to marry in the future... that''s a no-brainer.

Do you by any chance have any links to where I can get the poll results of prop 8? I really thought we were winning in the polls, but that was something I heard a long time ago on the news. Everyone I know is voting no.... but then again I don''t usually roll with narrow-minded or prejudiced people...

Anyway I am so happy for you and FI!

 

[vintagecushion]

So many elopers! After I posted I realized that Mia is the one with the absolutely gorgeous elopement photos from SF city hall and that Wishful is also planning to elope there as well making that three of us

.

Wishful, I live in California (SF) and I didn't realize the Prop 8 issue was a factor in your plans. I can only imagine that your relatives would see the sense in your logic there! I hope and think that prop 8 will be defeated but why take chances?

Another thing-at first we did hear a lot of objections about eloping, some more disapproving than others. However you'll have the chance to do a lot of reassuring and people do come around. With the financial crisis some have even called to let me know what a good idea it turned out to be.

 

[WishfulThinking]

So cool that there are three of us, vintagecushion! We''re in good company, for sure. Yes, prop 8 was the catalyst for all of this. The fact that I felt like I was going to die whenever I thought about not being able to get married if it passed, and that FI felt the same way makes this the right thing to do for sure. No need to die when we can elope instead!

The financial situation is definitely not ideal as well, which I think my own parents will appreciate, as they were going to pay for a small wedding reception. I honestly think it works out so much better this way.

Plus, FI and I need a break. We''re ditching classes for TWO days to hang out with each other and get married. It is going to be SUCH a fun adventure! We work so hard and don''t get a lot of time to spend together doing fun things, even though we live together. This is much needed relaxation time. I think our families will eventually understand that.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Hey Wishful I can''t really help you out here, but I just wanted to wish you some understanding family dust!

 

[vintagecushion]

I just glanced at your other thread and realized your time frame for all this. Oh my goodness it''s so exciting!! We''re still a few months away because we''re waiting for winter break.
I know exactly how you feel about needing time off because we''re in school too which is why we''ve been engaged for so long as it is. I think it''s definitely the smart thing to do and now that I know your situation I can''t imagine you''ll have anything but heartfelt congratulations and if you don''t, I''m not sure I can sympathize with those people!

 

[WishfulThinking]

Thanks Sarah!! *hugs*

vintagecushion, thanks for all the support! Being in school can be so stressful, for sure. I think ultimately everyone will understand. It is really scary worrying if our parents will see this as a betrayal and be very hurt. I really hope not. We love them! Now is just the right time, and they can''t be there.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

*Hugs!* I am glad that at least the venue stress (and LSAT stress) are over!!