Don''t even know where to begin.

[jaylex]

As some of you know we picked a wedding date of 5-21.
Of next year.
But as of now, we'll be legally married on 5-21.
Of this year.

It's such a long story and I am emotionally and physically drained from it (not exactly how i'd prefer these next 9 days to go). I'm currently running on 4 hours of sleep so this post probably doesn't make much sense.

But basically, Fiance and I are very active in our church. Things with our parents are not great so we have been making plans to move out for a long time. And my mom (who got extremely pissed off when I told her we were moving out at the end of this month) decided to tell the youth pastor (who we are somewhat close to) about our plans, who then talked to my fiance and told him that if we wanted to move out before we were married, that's fine. But we will lose our positions in the church.
Great.

So guess who gets to go sign the papers in 9 days? Jaylex and soon to be Mr. Jaylex.

All in all, I'm completely in love with my fiance and CANNOT wait to marry him... but I'm still going through a lot of emotions right now.

Especially being upset with my mother... had she kept her mouth shut, our church probably wouldn't have found out and everything would have been fine (all of our church friends have known about the move out plan for 10 months... I tell my mom and two weeks later the pastor finds out. great).
I know that she told him out of spite and that is what hurts the most.

But we already booked our venue (with a non-refundable deposit), have a couple of things personalized with our "5-21-11" wedding date... so Fi and I have decided that we are just going to sign the license and say our vows with the pastor that will be marrying us and that's it. I'm not changing my name. I'm still going to call him my "fiance" and we're still going to have our "wedding" like we planned for next may. I really hope this will alleviate some of fiances stress as well... the decision to move out has been hardest on him because he tends to be more passive than I am. I have more of the "I made a decision... and that's that" kind of attitude where as he takes criticism from others a lot "harder" than I do.

So I just wanted to kind of fill all of you in. I'm still going to be going crazy with the planning, and I'd like to stick around BWW and post as a bride-to-be to help with that.

I guess everyone gets what they want.. I get a celebration with my husband, our friends and family... and Fi gets a private ceremony with just the two of us.

I think that's it for now.. I'll keep updating my post to add more details as the day goes on.

Thanks for reading.

Words of encouragement would be most appreciated.

 

[lilyfoot]

 

[pinki]

I think it will be all OK. My fiance and I just found out that we have to get married at the courthouse before our wedding and I know how you feel. It almost makes your actual wedding day seem like a farce, and not as special, then you think through what date do you actually celebrate, etc. I just keep telling myself it''s just to process paperwork and not really our wedding date, that our actual wedding is still our wedding. Still go forward with your original plans and maybe keep the fact that you are already married to yourselves. My brother actually did that years ago. He was in the military and got married at the courthouse a year before his wedding because his wife needed health insurance. He never told anyone...and then only ended up telling me years later. Hahaha...

We are quite the opposite of you and not religious, but my best friend and her husband are. They are very active in their church and we are getting married there. Since we are not religious, I asked her husband to marry us because he is so funny and an amazing speaker and then at the end when we needed an ordained minister to actually marry us their pastor was just going to do the legal part. Well, the pastor found out that he has to go to a conference that weekend so we have to get married before the wedding.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Jaylex, what do you mean by lose your positions within the church?

 

[sctsbride09]

Are you going to tell people that you are married already? Or treat the 2nd one as if the 1st never happened?

ETA- Just asking because a friend of mine did exactly this, and didnt tell people that they were already married, well people eventually found out and were pretty pissed.

 

[ts44]

Tough situation Jaylex...I recall the mom problems from LIW. It does make me sad that your church would be so intolerant (for lack of a better word?) of two of its active members. I know your church is very important to you and your FI, and I respect that. I also understand the conflict for you, you were looking forward to your "wedding" next year and now all of a sudden it''s in nine days and it''s not what you thought it would be and for the wrong reasons, and it''s diminishing the significance and enjoyment of your celebration next year.

I guess I would look at it this way...you are involved in your church and its a big part of your lives, so it must give you some small comfort to know that you wouldn''t be participating in something that went against the doctrine of something that was so important to you. My father has always been against living together before marriage. Now my father is not the church, however I love him and never want to disappoint him but hell or high water I was moving in with FI because it just made sense for where we were in our lives. I was prepared to disappoint him and also prepared to keep it a secret as long as I could, but FI actually brought it up to him one day and my father thought it was a great idea for us. It was a great relief to me since I was going to do it anyway and now I at least knew for sure everybody was happy with the arrangement. Not quite the same situation as yours, but perhaps somewhat applicable.

There are many brides out there who, for whatever reason, are legally married before their wedding and I don''t think it has altered their enjoyment of the day one bit. Please don''t let your mother''s smallness about your life decisions affect your enjoyment of the next year. You are a self-admitted decision maker, so you know what''s done is done and you mustn''t dwell on it. Maybe the arrangement will allow you to enjoy your wedding planning much more, since your relationship with your FI now fits into everybody''s Mental Box of Acceptability and you won''t have that stress hanging over you? It''s not much of a bright side, but at least you and FI are in it together.

 

[Clairitek]

Sorry to hear about the difficulties Jaylex. There are a few other PS brides who have gotten married legally before they got married in front of their family and friends. I bet since there will be such a huge contrast between the two days (one private, one more elaborate and with a reception afterwards) that you will still feel like a bride on 5-21-11.

 

[monkeyprincess]

Obviously, I don''t know your situation or what positions you hold in the church, but I find it odd that you are letting someone else dictate when and how you get married against your wishes. This is a decision that only you and your fiance should make. If the problem is living together before marriage, and your church beliefs are so important to you, then why were you considering moving in before marriage anyway? And if your church beliefs are not so important to you that you were willing to move in before marriage, then why does it matter if you get ousted from your positions in the church? Do you really want to belong to a church that is forcing you to do something you don''t want to do. I''m very confused, but I do wish you the best.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/12/2010 10:26:42 AM
Author: monkeyprincess
Obviously, I don't know your situation or what positions you hold in the church, but I find it odd that you are letting someone else dictate when and how you get married against your wishes. This is a decision that only you and your fiance should make. If the problem is living together before marriage, and your church beliefs are so important to you, then why were you considering moving in before marriage anyway? And if your church beliefs are not so important to you that you were willing to move in before marriage, then why does it matter if you get ousted from your positions in the church? Do you really want to belong to a church that is forcing you to do something you don't want to do. I'm very confused, but I do wish you the best.

I have to say....this is my thoughts as well.

I mean, if you are happy to get married in a few days, and you recognize that IS your wedding, fine. But if not, I also do not get why you are letting others dictate your life this way - or why you would be involved in a church that would assume it could dictate you this way.

While your mother should have kept mum (pun intended), at the end of the day her telling the pastor does not change that this was your choice and you knew there were risks in making that choice (or else you would have told the pastor earlier). I am sure you know enough about your church to know their views and that you were going contrary to their views. You said yourself that you are the person to make decisions without much worry about others judgments or criticisms...so why are you worried now? If being part of the church, and being married on the 05/21/11 day is that important to you...then don't move out for another year. You can't have it both ways.

Also, I would say that if you do exchange vows in a few days, I would be honest with people that you already are married. And make the 2011 a vow renewal/celebration of your vows - and be honest about that with people. Do not call it your wedding. As you already have had your wedding. I know that there are brides who do get legally married before the big party, i.e. if they having a destination wedding, or one of them is being deployed, but I have never thought it wise to hide the truth from everyone. People almost always find out (especially when you are not signing the marriage certificate and so on after the ceremony!) and to me it is silly to HIDE that you are married. Just do the legal vows, and call the later date a vow renewal. Both will be special in their own right, but I really discourage you from deceiving others. As you learned this time, that can come back to bite you!

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 5/12/2010 8:48:00 AM
Author: lilyfoot

Ignore this! the OP was blank when I posted this .. I''ll go read the actual post now

 

[zipzapgirl]

Obviously, I don''t know your situation or what positions you hold in the church, but I find it odd that you are letting someone else dictate when and how you get married against your wishes. This is a decision that only you and your fiance should make. If the problem is living together before marriage, and your church beliefs are so important to you, then why were you considering moving in before marriage anyway? And if your church beliefs are not so important to you that you were willing to move in before marriage, then why does it matter if you get ousted from your positions in the church? Do you really want to belong to a church that is forcing you to do something you don''t want to do. I''m very confused, but I do wish you the best.

I agree with monkeyprincess.

Also, if no one knows you are married, aren''t some people in the church going to think you are flouting the rules anyway? Getting married for other people''s sake and then not telling anyone seems contradictory to me...

 

[dragonfly411]

You know, this is one of the reasons I don''t really go to church anymore. I feel like they try to dictate your life. I''m sorry, but for me, I wouldn''t want to be involved in a church that would abandon me on the spot for living with a person, regardless of if we were intimate or not. I''m sorry if this offends you, but I feel this is a) not fair to you b) very dictatorial of the church and of your mother and c) very controlling of both.
If I gather straight... you''ve been living with your parents? And living together under their house is ok? But living on your own isn''t?

I really don''t mean to offend you. I just hope you''ll take a step back and really look at this. You can''t be a member of our club if you don''t follow all of our rules, even if our rules make you unhappy?????? seriously???

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 5/12/2010 10:52:15 AM
Author: RaiKai

Date: 5/12/2010 10:26:42 AM
Author: monkeyprincess
Obviously, I don''t know your situation or what positions you hold in the church, but I find it odd that you are letting someone else dictate when and how you get married against your wishes. This is a decision that only you and your fiance should make. If the problem is living together before marriage, and your church beliefs are so important to you, then why were you considering moving in before marriage anyway? And if your church beliefs are not so important to you that you were willing to move in before marriage, then why does it matter if you get ousted from your positions in the church? Do you really want to belong to a church that is forcing you to do something you don''t want to do. I''m very confused, but I do wish you the best.

I have to say....this is my thoughts as well.

I mean, if you are happy to get married in a few days, and you recognize that IS your wedding, fine. But if not, I also do not get why you are letting others dictate your life this way - or why you would be involved in a church that would assume it could dictate you this way.

While your mother should have kept mum (pun intended), at the end of the day her telling the pastor does not change that this was your choice and you knew there were risks in making that choice (or else you would have told the pastor earlier). I am sure you know enough about your church to know their views and that you were going contrary to their views. You said yourself that you are the person to make decisions without much worry about others judgments or criticisms...so why are you worried now? If being part of the church, and being married on the 05/21/11 day is that important to you...then don''t move out for another year. You can''t have it both ways.

Also, I would say that if you do exchange vows in a few days, I would be honest with people that you already are married. And make the 2011 a vow renewal/celebration of your vows - and be honest about that with people. Do not call it your wedding. As you already have had your wedding. I know that there are brides who do get legally married before the big party, i.e. if they having a destination wedding, or one of them is being deployed, but I have never thought it wise to hide the truth from everyone. People almost always find out (especially when you are not signing the marriage certificate and so on after the ceremony!) and to me it is silly to HIDE that you are married. Just do the legal vows, and call the later date a vow renewal. Both will be special in their own right, but I really discourage you from deceiving others. As you learned this time, that can come back to bite you!

I have to absolutely agree with everything RaiKai said.

I really think you should embrace this new date as your wedding date (after all, that is what it is). If you are going to go through with getting legally married earlier than originally planned, I don''t think it''s right to "act" like you''re not married. Of course, this is just my opinion, but I really think you need to think deeper about this. You will be married once you sign those papers, don''t you think you should enjoy it, instead of hiding it? Just because you plan on acting like you''re not married doesn''t mean you won''t actually be married, does that make any sense?

And believe me, I understand how emotional this must all be for you. Of course, when we get engaged, we are ready to be married. But, when there''s such a sudden change of dates (i.e., we moved up our date from October of this year to April of this year, and got married 1 week after deciding that!), it really messes with your emotions.

Also, I know you''re young (I''m young also, 21!), so I feel the need to throw this bit in here. No matter how independent of a person I am (haven''t lived with a parent since I was 16, have been paying my own bills since then, etc), people still felt like they could question my/our decisions in regard to our wedding, I''m guessing because of our age. But, part of being an adult is that you don''t have to explain your decisions to anybody else, especially in regard to your FI/husband/marriage. All that you should be focused on right now is what you and your FI want, not what your mom/the church/whoever wants.

Getting married is a serious thing, and, IMO, you should only do it if you can openly accept it.

 

[nkarma]

For some reason people get pissed if you get married before your wedding...I would expect the same or for them to think there is no point to your wedding ceremony since you are already married.

There has to be a solution to this. It could be that one of you moves out since I am assuming you both can''t afford your own places. Maybe you both can move in with roomates for a year to keep costs down. Or one of you can get a place that you both split and the other one would basically but not technically live there as well.

I don''t think it''s good to get married because you are responding to a threat, no matter where that threat is coming from (him, you, parents, pastor). I would also want to leave a church that put me in this situation, but that is a different story entirely.

 

[AustenNut]

I''m sorry to hear that you are going through these difficulties right now. If you felt that your mom''s informing of the pastor was done in spite, that can be quite hurtful.

But I must say that if the two of you are employed by your church, I can understand where they are coming from. Some churches are stricter (and more vocal) than others on the premarital sex/living together issue, so not every church will treat this the same way. But when someone is employed by a church as a leader of its faith, then it''s expected that those leaders do their best to uphold the religious standards/values. If you and your fiance are living together before marriage, and that''s against your religion''s standards then there''s a clear conflict here. It would be as though a policeman would smoke marijuana or would speed while driving. He might think that it should be legal, or that it''s his own private business, or anything else, but as a police officer is expected to uphold the law, for others and himself. Frankly, I think it''s the same thing in this situation.

As the last couple of commenters have mentioned, I would not keep the fact that you''re getting married a secret. After all, if your church wants you to be married before living together because it doesn''t want the congregation to perceive you as flaunting the rules, then the congregation needs to know that you''re married. Unless, of course, you don''t care to continue working at the church in which case you can have your wedding ceremony on whatever date you''d like.

Good luck with all of this.

 

[nkarma]

Date: 5/12/2010 11:13:28 AM
Author: dragonfly411
You know, this is one of the reasons I don't really go to church anymore. I feel like they try to dictate your life. I'm sorry, but for me, I wouldn't want to be involved in a church that would abandon me on the spot for living with a person, regardless of if we were intimate or not. I'm sorry if this offends you, but I feel this is a) not fair to you b) very dictatorial of the church and of your mother and c) very controlling of both.
If I gather straight... you've been living with your parents? And living together under their house is ok? But living on your own isn't?

I really don't mean to offend you. I just hope you'll take a step back and really look at this. You can't be a member of our club if you don't follow all of our rules, even if our rules make you unhappy?????? seriously???

I agree with this. The reason the church doesn't want you to live together is so that you don't engage in premarital sex. Not that this is any of my business but if you are, then you are already going against church policy and should probably tell your pastor that as well. I am pretty sure the rules on this are very black and white and your pastor feels like if you are not following them, you shouldn't be a part of the church. You are kind of deceiving him/your church if you are as involved as you seem to be and doing something that can get you kicked out.

 

[LadyJane83]

I don''t think you should get married earlier because you have been threatened.

If you are comfortable with what your church requires, you should either:

1. get married on 5-21-10 and have a renewal ceremony/party/celebration (or whatever you want to call it) on 5-21-11.

2. If you are set on having the "official" date set at 5-21-11, live with roommates until that date.

I also think it significant that you and your FI disagree profoundly with your church on an issue that is very important and central to your church. I agree with MonkeyPrincess... I think you need to re-examine your values.... and you might need to find a different church. IMO, if you are going to get married (and presumably have children some day?) you need to find a church that shares your values.

 

[Haven]

It sounds like you feel very stuck right now, Jaylex, and I'm sorry that these emotions are taking over what should be a very happy time in your life.

I don't know much about churches, and although I was raised in a very observant religious family, I'm not big into organized religion, myself. So just know that as you read these next lines from me.

It sounds like the way *you and your fiance* want to live your life differs from the way *the church* believes you should live your life. Knowing that--I'm confused as to why the approval of this church is important to you. (And really, I'm not sure why you would want to be involved at all.)

I'm someone who rarely pledges membership to organized groups, anyway, (call me Groucho Marx if you'd like) but it is for this reason: I have yet to find a group that truly represents my beliefs and values, and I absolutely refuse to bend my beliefs and values to satisfy any group. Now, I'm not saying you should leave your church, but perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea to see if there isn't another church out there that shares your values and beliefs, and most importantly: Would respect the way you choose to live your life rather than demand that you change the way you live your life.

It sounds like you're being forced to do something you'd rather not do, and that just sounds so uncomfortable to me.

Big hugs to you. I hope you can resolve this to *your* satisfaction.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I am assuming that you are both active in the youth group, and the pastor doesn''t want two people living together standing in mentor roles for the youth, as this is in direct opposition to church teaching. Is this correct? I also assume that you would not be asked to leave the church, but would be asked to step down from leadership positions. Is this correct?

If so, I have no problem with the pastor making this decision. I don''t condone getting married before you''re ready, but I do believe that it would be wrong to try to deceive your church the way you were planning. You can''t have your cake and eat it too.

I''m sorry that you feel you are being painted into a corner, but please think about what you are doing. Are you sure you want to be married right now? It will be the marriage date, he will not be your fiance - he''ll be your husband. Everyone in your church will know you are married - that''s the whole point of the early marriage: to be able to live together and keep your positions in your church.

If you are ready to be married, then embrace this new date! Treat the new date as a big celebration next year. Best wishes to you!

 

[iheartscience]

jaylex-you always make sure to let everyone know that you''re super mature for your age in your posts, but you''re okay with letting your mom and church tell you when to get married?! Time to take a step back, some deep breaths, and THINK. Is this how you want your marriage to begin? With a rushed wedding you''re essentially being strong-armed into? I would NEVER get married under the circumstances.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/12/2010 11:19:15 AM
Author: lilyfoot
But, part of being an adult is that you don't have to explain your decisions to anybody else, especially in regard to your FI/husband/marriage. All that you should be focused on right now is what you and your FI want, not what your mom/the church/whoever wants.

Getting married is a serious thing, and, IMO, you should only do it if you can openly accept it.

I feel like lily and I should just start merging our posts into one, but I am just going to give a big "DITTO" to the above.

If you truly are ready to get married....then you should be ready to be open about it AND be married in the circumstances that work for you and your fiance.

Part of being an adult means making decisions that aren't always going to make others happy, and decisions that WILL have consequences to them - such as no longer being a leader in the Church - and OWNING those decisions.

I just cannot imagine either marrying my husband in circumstances that others have dictated for me or keeping my marriage a *secret*. Both seem to me to be a bad way to start off a marriage and a life together.

 

[katamari]

I have to strongly agree with Thing2. Especially given all your struggles with your independence with your family, your coworkers, and your Future ILS, they will have every reason to continue treating you like children if you allow them to determine something so important as the conditions under which you form a family. Adults make decisions for themselves and deal with the implications of those decisions.

Also, I am someone who would not support a couple who was not honest about already being married and still having a wedding while secretly married. I would, and have, taken this as a sign that they viewed the wedding as more important than the marriage. This also seemsimpossible given that your family and a church you are very active in would know about it. I would also avoid it given your intent to gain independence; a "secret marriage" in and of itself seems incredibly immature. Have the biggest one year anniversary party ever, if you want, but I wouldn''t suggest having a secret marriage.

 

[mrscushion]

There probably aren't many people who are less into organized religion than I am. That said, I would like to defend jaylex here.

She is facing competing priorities between her church, her independence from her family, and her wish for a big old wedding, but I think she is making a very reasonable choice here. If her church position is important to her, but so is moving out and away from her controlling family, then yes, she needs to rush her wedding, now that the cat is out of the bag. I don't think she's being strong-armed into a wedding, and I don't think it's our place to tell her that she needs to choose against her church. (And come on, you can absolutely be very active in a religious organization and still not support 100% of its policies.) A different choice (staying at home for another year, giving up her church position) would be reasonable, too, but it's not the choice she wants to make. What's more, I think she's perfectly within her rights to feel sorry about this less-than-perfect choice she has to make. It really is unfortunate.

jaylex, sorry I've been speaking in the third person. I just wanted to say that elsewhere, in Germany for example, many people have a small, simple legal wedding well in advance of the church wedding and celebration. A year between the two is not uncommon. I think you'll be able to do a party regardless. I do agree with other posters that you shouldn't lie about not being married. That's a bad idea. Be honest and just make the 2011 wedding the big bash you want to have.

 

[FrekeChild]

Ditto RaiKai, lilyfoot, Thing2, Haven, monkeyprincess, Kata etc.

I could never be a part of an organization that would force me into marriage because of it''s ideals. Thats my own personal thing though, and thats part of the reason I''m very much against organized religion.

Back to basics. You want to live with your FI more than you want to live your life to the ideals of your church. Ok, fine. But that does mean giving up your positions within the youth group. Again, not so surprising. You can''t really be a role model for the church if you''re living together, going against the church ideals. So apparently the church ideals are more important than your marriage?

This is what I''m getting from your situation. You don''t agree with and your beliefs don''t coincide with your church''s beliefs. So you plan to legally get married to skirt around that particular issue. You were planning on going against the church''s wishes and lying about it to them so that you could live your life the way you want to. When you got caught, you changed your plans to legally wed a year earlier, but are still planning on lying to your wedding guests.

So really, you don''t have a plausible solution. Either way, you''re being forced to do things you don''t want to do.

What I want to know is why don''t you just be true to yourself? Why do you have to lie to everyone else about everything? You''re lying to your church if you move in before being married, and you''re lying to your family and friends if you lead them to believe that you aren''t married in a couple of weeks. If you ask me, there is no winner in either of these situations. Even if you don''t lie about the actual legal marriage in nine days to your "wedding" guests, you''re still cheating yourself--you want to move in with your FI and get married next year! What is wrong with that?!

If I were you, I''d be seriously reconsidering my affiliation with said church, OR I''d be seriously reconsidering my plans to move in with my FI. It seems you have made your choice that the church''s wishes (and the desire to move in together) are more important than your plan to wed.

This is rambly because I am just so flabbergasted at someone managing to strong-arm someone into getting married early when they obviously don''t want to.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 5/12/2010 2:19:00 PM
Author: mscushion
There probably aren''t many people who are less into organized religion than I am. That said, I would like to defend jaylex here.

She is facing competing priorities between her church, her independence from her family, and her wish for a big old wedding, but I think she is making a very reasonable choice here. If her church position is important to her, but so is moving out and away from her controlling family, then yes, she needs to rush her wedding, now that the cat is out of the bag. I don''t think she''s being strong-armed into a wedding, and I don''t think it''s our place to tell her that she needs to choose against her church. (And come on, you can absolutely be very active in a religious organization and still not support 100% of its policies.) A different choice (staying at home for another year, giving up her church position) would be reasonable, too, but it''s not the choice she wants to make. What''s more, I think she''s perfectly within her rights to feel sorry about this less-than-perfect choice she has to make. It really is unfortunate.

jaylex, sorry I''ve been speaking in the third person. I just wanted to say that elsewhere, in Germany for example, many people have a small, simple legal wedding well in advance of the church wedding and celebration. A year between the two is not uncommon. I think you''ll be able to do a party regardless. I do agree with other posters that you shouldn''t lie about not being married. That''s a bad idea. Be honest and just make the 2011 wedding the big bash you want to have.

I agree with what you''ve said mscushion, but I think the biggest point here is that jaylex isn''t happy about it. If she could have it her way, the way that would make her happiest is living with her FI for a year, and getting married then, while retaining her position within the church.

This is a sucky situation and she''s between a rock and a hard place, and it seems that no matter what she does, now that she''s in this situation, she''s going to be unhappy in some regard. And that sucks.

 

[KittyGolightly]

Jaylex, is it impossible for you guys to move into separate apartments for a year? I think if I were in your shoes, I would look for cheap studios to rent. And honestly, I''d pick up a second job to pay for it if I had to. I''d want out of my parents'' house, but I wouldn''t want a sham ceremony this month just to appease other people.

Sounds like a tough situation to be in. I hope you''re able to make a decision that is true to you and your FI.

 

[jaylex]

Hi Everyone.. thanks for your responses.

I just wanted to clarify a few things..

I am 19, Fiance is 21. I live with my parents, he lives with his.
I have been attending this church since I was 3. Fiance has been attending since we started dating almost 5 years ago.

We aren''t employed by the church... but we are in roles of "leadership" because I sing and he plays guitar in the bands during the worship services.
Apparently, some of the "younger" members (haha.. so I guess 15-17) look up to us as "role models" and our relationship as an "example".
Personally, I never asked to be a role model. I just wanted to sing! But the youth pastor uses this as his bases for why he can''t "allow us to live in sin".
Besides that, I guess the church consistory has a rule that if members in leadership roles decide to live a life that is outside the churches values, they need to step down from their roles until the behavior is corrected. For instance, someone having an affair, someone with a severe gambling problem, addition to underage pornography (all examples I''ve heard of) and people living together before marriage.

Personally, if we were 34 and had lived on our own previous to dating and decided to move in, no one would bat an eye.
I really do think it is just because we are so close to the "youth group" age, they are trying to make an "example" out of us.
And I hate that. Like I said, I never asked to be a role model. But I understand that by putting myself in the churches "public eye" I really don''t have a choice.
Not everyone in our church is intolerant to it though.
We did tell some of our closer friends who are in the band with us that we were thinking about moving out and that it would probably mean having to get "kicked out" of the band and four of the members were so upset by it that they offered to leave with us. Only one of those members was under the age of 36 lol. We also talked to some of our parents friends when we were still trying to make a decision on whether or not we were going to move out and they were really upset by the idea of us getting kicked out as well.

Unfortunately, the youth pastor is the leader of one band we are in, and one of my moms kinda/friends is the leader of the other.
But honestly, we drive to and from church together every saturday and sunday, we attend all of the functions together, we go to and from band practice together. The only way anyone would have suspected us of moving out was if they happened to live in the same apartment building as us and saw our cars parked out front.

I don''t really care as much what people think about us moving out.. I''m beyond upset with my mother who lived with my dad before they were married, with her boyfriends after they got divorced, and with my stepdad before they were married. And I feel like she was able to make her choice. She tried to take away my right to choose and that ticks me off the most I think. Besides that, I really hate that men that are already married are trying to meddle in my personal life.
I think it''s really easy for everyone to say "don''t live together if you''re not married" when they themselves are married. But if they get a divorce, I hardly doubt they''ll abstain from sex until they re-marry.

Speaking of sex, that is another frustrating part of this. my mom, as a last-ditch effort to get us to not move out together, offered fiance to move in to our guest bedroom. They (mom and pastor) also brought up the idea that Fiance could move out while I stay at home (which is not a good place to be, believe you me) until the wedding. I could be over his apartment all the time as long as I came home to sleep. What the heck do they think we''d be doing over there?! Is there some sort of a rule that you can only have sex after the sun sets? Nooo...
it''s clearly not about whether or not we have sex... they just don''t want themselves to "look bad" because they raised/allowed teenagers (that are in a healthy, committed relationship) to "sleep together".
I can''t even begin to say ticked off that makes me. I feel like it''s none of their business what we do/don''t do behind closed doors.

It''s not our church beliefs that are important to us... My personal faith is important to me. I feel like we can have faith in God and still move in together. I don''t see how those two things are in conflict. But i can go to a church that has some beliefs I won''t always agree with.

But whatever. I know this means a lot to my fiance and even though part of me wants to say "eff you! we made our decision" to everyone. I just want the two of us to be happy and safe. And I think this would be good for us.
Plus the extra tax refund, break on our car/medical/renters insurance, and shutting the inlaws mouths are perks! lol. just kidding.

We are going to look at this as the "legal" part of our wedding and the next may date as a renewal of that but also the emotional/spiritual part of our wedding.
As far as the legal part of the ceremony goes, I am expecting to walk in, sign the paper and walk out. The pastors, our close family members and the people in our party will know.. besides that I''m not sure who we will tell about it. We don''t have all of the kinks worked out yet. This is all really sudden for me.

I don''t know why I have mixed emotions about it. I''m still marrying my best friend. We talked about getting engaged a year before it actually happened and we are obviously ready to marry each other, otherwise there wouldn''t have been an engagement. I believe that marriage is more than just a piece of paper and a party and that we have been working on our "marriage" for 4 years.. I guess it''s just trying to wrap my head around the sudden date change. Two days ago my biggest source of stress was trying to get everything ready for our move. Yesterday it was totally shifted to "wow. I''m getting ''married'' in 9 days".
But I guess part of me doesn''t want the stigma that comes with being married at 19, or the "shot gun" wedding. And the really stubborn part of me doesn''t want people to think i''m getting married just because the church told me I "have to".

I''ll post more later. Thanks again everyone.

 

[lulu66]

jaylex, i''m so sorry about the complications that have arisen around your & fi''s plans. i know it was important for you both to exercise your independence from your parents & you could only do that by sharing living costs. it is unfortunate that you find yourself in this place now, stuck between what you wanted to do (move in now & marry next year) & what you feel obligated (maybe not *exactly* the right word) to do (marry now a year early so you can have independence & keep your church postitions). first, i want to wish you only wonderful & happy things surrounding your wedding & marriage regardless of when/how it takes place. but that said, i really want to make sure you & fi have thoroughly thought this through. i agree w/many other posters that "lying" or pretending like the marriage has not happened is not the best solution. you WILL be married & i (personally) wouldn''t want to start out my married life in a falsehood. i really suggest in the next few days you & your fi THINK about what you want & how what you two want affects your plans & life. again, i wish you nothing but the best & hope you do not take offense to anything i''ve stated. these (and i think all of the comments) come from a place of concern for your overall happiness. good luck, jaylex & please keep us posted & feel free to come here w/your feelings in the coming days if you need support!

 

[nkarma]

All I have to say is your above post is wrong on so many levels....did you read anything anyone about you being strong armed into getting married. I can't believe being kicked out a band would force you to get married in in circumstances against your will. I understand you are already engaged and ready to get married, but no one could threaten me to not getting married under my & my FI's circumstances.

And if the pastor is going to kick you out if you live together before marriage because it is going to be a bad example but then not tell anyone that you got married??? That doesn't make any sense!!! Isn't the whole point so that the younger parisioners hear that you are living toghether also hear that you are married??? The whole church will know whether you tell them or not. Your mom sounds like she has a big mouth and I am sure the pastor will tell since that is the whole point.

I advise you to reread thingof2, katamari, lilyfoot, and katamari's post about being an adult! I think you will regret how you and your FI submitted to something as big as when/how you get married.

P.S. OMG...if you are on the west coast, right now they have a great Talk of the Nation on NPR about getting married young. You could probably download this at npr.org tomorrow too.

 

[monkeyprincess]

Jaylex, your most recent post makes it clear that you are not mature enough to be getting married in nine days. Why in the world would you push your wedding date up just to stay in a band with the very youth pastor who is trying to dictate when you get married?

ETA: That came across more harshly than I intended. But I really hope you think long and hard about this decision. It does not sound like a good idea to me. When to get married is a decision you and your fiance need to make, and you should never allow someone to make an important decision like this for you.