Dog Before Baby or Baby before Dog??

[Demelza]

My husband and I are struggling with a rather big decision and I was hoping that the many dog owners on this board might share their thoughts/experiences/opinions on the matter.

Here''s the situation: Last month, we had to put our beloved 12 1/2 year old German Shepherd, Howard, to sleep. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer, and, much to our shock, there was simply nothing we could do for him. Apparently, it is a very aggressive and very rare type of cancer in neutered males and treatment options would have been very limited even if they had caught it early. Thankfully, we don''t think he suffered long. Needless to say, we are totally devastated by his death and continue to mourn him everyday. The loss is more profound than I can put into words.

Here''s the current dilemma: My husband and I LOVE dogs. Plain and simple -- we love being dog owners and can''t imagine our life without a canine companion. And we know we want another one sooner rather than later. To complicate matters, however, I''m currently 7 1/2 months pregnant. If we weren''t expecting a baby, we''d just wait till the moment felt completely right and find another dog then. But the reality is that we are expecting a baby and aren''t really sure about the best time to get a new dog: before the baby is born or after? So far, we''ve gotten conflicting advice from dog experts -- our vet says get the dog before and a dog trainer I''ve consulted says to wait at least a year. We know that we absolutely don''t want a puppy. That would be WAY too much with a new baby and we feel very strongly that giving a home to a slightly older dog is the right thing to do. Our plan is to adopt a 2-4 year old Labrador or Lab mix so that hopefully we would know exactly what we''re getting in terms of temperament and personality. And he/she would already be house-trained!!

The rationale for getting a dog before is that we would have the time now to get him/her settled in before the baby comes. The dog would come into a calm environment and we would hopefully be able to assess his/her personality and observe him/her in a variety of social situations before the baby comes. If any alarm bells go off, we would have plenty of warning before the baby comes. If we go this route, we would likely need to find a dog soon. The downside is that both my husband and I feel worried that we are somehow dishonoring Howard''s memory by getting a dog only a month or so after his death. I realize this is irrational, but we can''t help but feel guilty. We both just want Howard back, but, at the same time, the thought of a new young dog who needs a home warms out hearts and fills us with excitement.

The rationale for waiting is that we''ll have our hands full when the baby arrives, and, when we do get another dog, we can see right then and there whether the dog is okay with the baby. It will also give us some more time to mourn our loss. Our fear, of course, is that once the baby comes we won''t have the time or energy to go looking for a dog and that it might be quite a while before we''re able to get one. If that is the case, no biggie, I guess. We''ll be focused on the baby and maybe won''t miss having a dog as much as we do right now.

I know there is likely no right answer here; it really depends on the specific dog. If the dog has a sound temperament, then it probably doesn''t matter when we get him/her. If he/she isn''t sound, then it will be a disaster either way.

Sorry to go on so long, but I''d really love to hear what people think and what your experiences have been. Thanks!!!

 

[justjulia]

Sorry about your dear pet. We got our yellow lab-retriever mix at about 12 weeks old and then had our daughter six months after. It worked out extremely well. Labs are just gentle, good dogs. She was happy go lucky about the baby and wasn''t jealous at all. As a matter of fact, she loved being near our daughter because she quickly learned that great things fell from the high chair. She tolerated ears being pulled and hugs and all the attention. I don''t think there is a right answer here. I will say this though: a new baby will likely require many sleepless nights and I agree I don''t know if I could handle house training a dog while getting up to feed a baby at all hours..I would say go ahead and find your dog and start the training so everything will be settled before the baby. But then again, there''s nothing wrong with waiting til after the baby, too. What a hard decision!

 

[Lynn B]

Awwww, Dem, I am so sorry about Howard. Losing a beloved pet is like losing a family member and friend. xoxoxox

Well, I am no dog expert (by ANY means!) but since you asked...

Since you have the choice -- I vote to wait till AFTER the baby comes and life has settled down a little. A new baby in the house will be HUGE investment of time and energy (at first), but it WILL get easier!

Complicating that with a new dog right now just sounds like a recipe for EXHAUSTION, my friend!

PLUS, I think it''s better to bring the dog into your family of three, because that will be all the dog will have ever known in your home. To bring the dog in first, and THEN the baby... well, might make the dog feel a little possessive of you - or worse, jealous of the baby.

Just my humble 2 cents!

PS ETA: I think it''s WONDERFUL that you are considering a 2-4 year old dog instead of a puppy!

 

[WTNLVR]

I''m very sorry about your dog. I know what it is like to have to put a beloved pet down due to health reasons.

I agree with the above though. Wait till after the baby. You will have so many demands on your time and alot of stress, lack of sleep. Caring for a dog, even an adult, will seem like an additional burden on your time. Also, if he comes in now he may see the baby as a new addition to his pack and may have issues with this. Even labs have been known to be aggressive with babies. I have had dogs all my life, and was only without one when we lost one and waited almost a year for a puppy. If I was in your shoes, I would actually wait till the baby was older before getting a dog. A friend at work had to get rid of her great dane because it was aggressive to their newborn. It broke her heart to give up her dog, but she had no choice. I can''t imagine having to do that. Good luck in whatever you decide.

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh I am so sorry to hear of Howards passing. That is soooo sad.

I think your idea of getting an older dog once you are settled with the baby is the best way to go. You couldn't go about it in a better way IMHO. Start looking for a new dog once your baby is sleeping through the night and you have a routine established. I grew up with labs, they are the most loyal , gentle and loving dogs. Once again, I am truly sorry for your loss, I know how heart breaking it is to lose a beloved pet. Lisa

 

[mrssalvo]

awww Dem, I too am so sorry to hear about Howard. I understand your feelings and misgivings about the timing of getting dog completely. I guess if it were a little bit earlier in you pregnancy I''d say to go ahead and get the dog. We had Zoe for about 1 1/2 before my oldest came along and Zoe was absolutely wonderful with the new baby. Of course that''s part of the reason I chose a lab knowing we were going to have kids. But, seeing as you are so far along I''d suggest going ahead and mourning the loss of Howard a little longer and get used to the physical and emotional demands of the new baby. Then sometime down the road, even just a few months, you guys can start looking for a new doggie. I agree that with an adopted dog it might be better if he/she always knows the 3 of you and to not have to be introduced to a new family member weeks after it''s arrival. Also, I am all for adopting dogs but please do be careful and try to get one that has lived with kids. No dog is 100% predictable but a lab that''s been around kids aready will have a better chance of falling in love with your little one right away. I liked raising my dog b/c I took food out of her mouth as a puppy, had my older step kids rough house with her b/c I knew little children would do those things unintentially and I didn''t want a dog that would nip or bite or even growl at one of my kids. You''re on the right track with the breed though b/c by nature they are very kid friendly and not agressive at all.

 

[Dee*Jay]

Oh Dem, so very sorry to hear about Howard...

If I were in your situation I think I would do baby first, dog second. I''m speaking a bit out of turn since I don''t have any children (aside from The Demon Dog, LOL) but that seems like the better way to go in my opinion.

 

[VegasAngel]

I definitely wouldnt get a dog before your baby arrives. You will have no time in the beginning to take care of your baby & a newdog/puppy. Babies & dogs are a lot of work & its not the best time to see if you can balance both. In my opinion I would wait until you have a good routine down to see how/if a dog will fit into your new arrangement.

 

[diamondfan]

I think baby, then dog, so pup only remembers being in the house with the baby and is less likely to get jealous that you now have this tiny being diverting attention...advice from vets and pet people.../

 

[diamondfan]

I am sorry about your lovely dog, too. Chances are the timing for a pup with a breeder might not be too soon anyway, so have the baby, get settled and then go for it!

 

[Demelza]

Thanks for the condolences and for the sound advice. Not necessarily what I want to hear (I guess the idea of getting a new dog right now is kind of soothing), but it sounds like the consensus so far is to hold off. I''ve ALWAYS had a dog -- there was one month during my childhood when we were in between dogs, but other than that, I have always had a dog in my life. It''s going to be a huge adjustment not to have one, but I''m sure that will pale in comparison to the huge adjustment of having a baby.

In honor of Howard, I want to share with you a picture of him taken just a few years ago.

 

[Christa]

So sorry about your dog . . . I''m agreeing with the consensus here. Babies are so all-consuming that it would be a bit much for me to have a new dog at the same time. Even if it''s not a puppy you''d all still be getting used to each other when the baby comes.

 

[upgrading mama]

lol that's a great pic!!! Gotta love the muddy paws, it looks like he is smiling!!



I am so so sorry to hear that you had to put Howard down, so suddenly. I grew up with a black lab who is currently 14 yrs old and in poor health. My mother doesn't have the heart to put him down, even though he has arthritis, hip dysplasia, bladder problems, hemmoroids.... that's all I know. Anyways, when you love your dear pet, it is always hard to part with them, and to decide what to do after they are gone.

Now,
I have a lab mix (she is yellow lab and walker hound, her name is sunny) and we got her as a wedding gift from my brother in law back in 2003. She was about 2 months then. She is a super gentle dog and I had her potty trained, completely, in about two weeks. She is very obedient and smart.

I found out 2 MONTHS after we were married that I was pregnant. Besides the crazy shock of that, I had to decide what to do with the dog. I never considered getting rid of her, but from the day we got her and continuing for the 9 months of pregnancy, every stuffed animal or toy in the house was hers. I wondered, "will sunny chew the baby's toys?" "how will I keep this dog who LOOOOOVVVEEEES to lick, from licking the baby's face off?"
What will I do everytime I am nursing the baby and sunny needs to go out/for a walk/eat???"

WHile I did worry about how it would go, it was perfect. If you can believe it, she used to lick my belly (then again she licked everything!) and lay by me when I napped. When we brought Andrew home, I went it 1st, alone and cuddled her and talked to her. Then hubby brought the baby in. Since we had been leaving baby's stuff around before hand she was somewhat familiar with the car seat, crib, etc......

Of course there were moments where she would whine at me to go outside and I couldn't accomodate, but our wonderful pets are patient.
Sunny likes to sleep by the crib, or if I close the door, she sleeps in front of the door. When Andrew was a newborn, if he cried, sunny would come get me and run back to that room until I followed her.

For us, the dog first, then the kid worked great. But I wasn't 7 1/2 months along, I had the whole 9 to get her ready.......

It is a tough, tough decision. I think you may consider doing it now as long as you don't think yourself someone who stresses too easily. For example, I am pretty laid back and I know that the dog licking the baby was ok with me..or licking the leg....


Some people are very orderly and like all their ducks in a row.

The truth is your life, and your house, will never be the same once there is a baby in it. I think it may be harder to train a dog and get to know it once there is a newborn, you walk around 1/2 asleep for the first 3 months!!!!!



Anyway, I am so sorry for the long post, but it is a meaningful topic.

We love our furballs, don't we??

Incidently, we added baby #2, 15 months later and Sunny just rolls with it. I think she views it as more crumbs from the table, and more dog bones too!!


Here is a pic of Sunny in Andrew's shark bath towel, she is a good sport!

 

[upgrading mama]

duh, here is the pic!

 

[Demelza]

Awww, what an adorable picture of Sunny!!! Thanks for your story. It always helps to hear how others have handled the situation.

It really is a very hard decision and I guess the bottom line is that it really depends on the dog. If we find a great dog with a super sound temperament, we'll probably be okay either way. That's the trick and I wish there were a way to know for sure that a dog would be totally fine with all kids and all babies.

As much as my husband and I hate to admit it, I really don't know whether Howard would have been okay with the baby. He was 1.5 when I got him, and, as far as I know, had never been around young kids or babies. He was very, very closely bonded to us and we treated him like our own child. He slept in bed with us and came with us most places. We rarely left him alone. For all that to change at the age of 12 1/2, I can't imagine how he would have responded. Somehow we would have made it work, but we were worried for sure.

Keep all the great advice coming! It's really helpful to hear what you guys think. I know there isn't one right answer and I can be easily swayed one way or the other -- my heart (which is still so filled with sadness) says get a dog NOW and my head says WAIT. It's a toughie for sure.

 

[decodelighted]

I''m so sorry for your loss, Dem!! It''s so true about "stages" of life ... you''re about to begin a huge new one ...

I''d wait. In a way, I think it''s fairer to the new dog to welcome him or her to the family once things have settled down & it would be easier for the dog to adjust to all the new folks at one time ... rather than adding a sweet little one a couple months into a new home. ESPECIALLY if it''s a 2 or 3 year old dog who has had a lot of transition already in its short life.

This final waiting stage is also stressful for you I''m sure .. wondering how things will change? You might be hoping for a distraction from that anxiety too! (As well as filling the empty space left)

Hang it there! Everything will work out for the best!

 

[Mara]

hi sweetie....i think that you should definitely hold off on the dog...i know you guys miss howard horribly but the baby will be such a huge life adjustment girl....i think that it would be a mistake to get a dog for the next 2 months into the household, esp an adult who, as wonderful as he/she could be, is still an adult with their own 'personality' to get used to, train, etc. it

the way i look at it is, what would getting another dog RIGHT NOW accomplish? personally i think it would just be a distraction to the pain of missing howard. you can't get howard back. and getting another dog to just have a warm body in the house for now is not the solution IMO. i would be concentrating on getting the house and your family and your life ready for your new firstborn child. then when things are settled, maybe after a year (of not sleeping!), bring the dog into the household while the child is still young so that the adjustment can be made by all at once. i also think it'd be really stressful on a dog to be brought into a new house, esp if they are a rescue, even one with the BEST personality is still going to be introduced to a new situation and life....and then 1.5 months later add another change into the routine. dogs love routine and don't like change.

anyway, i think you guys might be understimating the change the new baby will bring. i don't have kids but i have friends who have kids and their lives did a TOTAL 360 with the new baby in the house. i can't even imagine a new dog in the mix, esp an adult with it's own set of issues or personality traits or whatever. the baby should be your first priority. then get another dog!!

 

[Cind11]

Sounds like you''ve gotten a lot of great advice. I just wanted to say I''m sorry about your dog. It''s so heart-wrenching to lose a pet.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I''m sorry about your doggie, too.

But I''ll have to agree with the vast majority, you are about to be extremely busy with a baby who will need all your energy and attention. That would be the worst possible time to be adopting a pet of any age as far as I am concerned. Until you have a baby, you don''t realize how all consuming it is at first. I would consider this a time to have a break and focus on your new baby. And once you are in a routine, and the baby is sleeping through the night as others said, etc., then the day will come that you feel like you have the time and energy to train a dog.

 

[CareBear]

Dem, I''m so sorry about your dog=( I know you must be so sad right now. But 1.5 months away from a new born baby, I''d have to say no new doggie either. After the baby is born, neither you or your hubby will have any time for the new dog and he/she will end up feeling neglected. Definitely wait til after the baby. If by then you think you still have the time and energy for a dog, you can get one then. I still remember clearly when we first got our dog. Definitely could not have handled a dog AND a baby!

 

[fire&ice]

There is no right or wrong answer because it all hinges on the couple, baby & dog. I had a friend take in an 8 year old dog (hard to place because of age) a few weeks before 1st baby. Everyone seamlessly became a family. Her husband traveled a lot & the dog gave her companionship & extra eyes watching the baby. I had another friend who had to give up their dog of several years because the child was alergic.

I don''t know what to say except follow your gut. Maybe put some feelers to rescue groups. I''m inclined to say wait unless the perfect situation arose. Dogs thrive on routine - which could go here or there.

I am sorry for your loss. But, CONGRATS on your new addition!

 

[allycat0303]

Dem,

I always loved the picture in your avatar, because I love Germen sheperd's so I'm terribly sorry about your dog.

I lost my cat last year in a terrible incident. We got a new cat about a week later. Honestly, I always say to my boyfriend, that I really don't think the amount of time you mourn is an indication of how much you loved. The days following my cat's death, I would spontaneously burst into tears because the pain was so raw. I think we still mourn our kitty to this day, because I think of him at least once a day and it still makes my heart hurt.

Our new kitty soothed us, helped us move on, but it didn't make us forget. I think you should adopt a dog when you feel that you've found the dog with the right temperment and personality match. I don't think there is any harm in looking because I suspect it might be longer then you think to find the right match.

To me, once you have the baby, it's a huge change, and lots of work. I can't imagine you taking the time to help a dog adjust to the new life, until the baby is settled...to me that sounds like a good 12 months before you have the chance to adopt a dog, so it might be too long for someone that has always been a dog owner.

In any case, I'm sure either way, you"ll handle it.

Hugs!

 

[february2003bride]

First, I''m so sorry about Howard!

As a mom of three and former pet owner, I''m going to suggest waiting on the dog. A newborn baby, especially for first time parents, will totally change your life and the amount of time you have for anything (even showering, eating, brushing your teeth...) goes to nill. And having a new baby so soon after adopting your pet isn''t the best mix.

I had a breeder tell me that the youngest child should be 3 before a pet enters a home and she wouldn''t adopt her dogs out to anyone who had young children (including us because my DD was just 2 1/2). Her reasoning was that at 3, children understand not to pull, pinch, annoy the dog plus a host of other reasons (jealousy, time restrictions with the family, etc). I will say that after I talked to her, I held off adopting another dog...add to the mix two MORE kids and we''re still dogless

But once my baby is 3 (in 2 years) we''ll definitely get a Springer Spaniel!

Also, my neighbor has a black lab and a 5 year old DD and she wished they had waited until Lindsey was older to adopt Abby. She said keeping the house clean of dog hair off the floor while Lindsey was a crawler was terrible!

 

[roppongi]

Dem:

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved dog, I know how painful it must have been for you to put him down. Just think that he is in a much better place where he isn''t suffering in pain.

I was in the same exact situation 9 years ago. I was brand new pregnant and we did a dog rescue with our pit bull/ridgeback mix. Our vet told us not to keep her as we didn''t know anything about the dog. She was being used as pit bull bait, her hind legs were cut and she was basically malnourished and dying. We fell in love with this dog and nurturned her back to health with our vet. When she was healed, husband and I decided we wanted to keep her and with the recommendation of our vet, we sent her away to Canine Training School (K-9 Training for Police Dogs). Our dog was sent away for 7 weeks and when she came back she was 100% trained and obedient. When I was in the hospital giving birth, husband brought home our son''s receiving blankets and clothes and let her smell them to get used to the new addition to the family.

To this day she is the most loving and sweetest dog. She gets a long wonderfully with both of our boys and our rescue cat.

I would talk to your vet and see if he/she can recommend a training school for your new puppy to attend before you give birth. It''s worth a shot.

Let us know how it turns out,

Roppongi

 

[Cehrabehra]

I had a son in 99, got a lab puppy in 2000 and had another son in 2001. I did it both ways and obviously having a 1 year old didn''t scare me off from getting the dog... but boy having that 2nd baby sure did mess it up for me about wanting that dog around! It was so hard being pregnant and having a toddler with a puppy that needed to learn things and after #2 was born it got easier... but on the plus the younger baby and the dog are incredibly bonded because he always had the dog on the floor with him. If you''re going to wait at least a year before getting pregnant I''d get the dog... Or I''d wait until the baby is a year before getting one... I guess it would depend on when you want to have a baby

 

[Cehrabehra]

Okay I didn''t see the part where you''re pregnant and my advice is


WAIT!!!!!!

You have no idea yet how totally your life will change in 2 months and trust me when I say you do not have time for a puppy LOL When you feel the lull after the baby is born around 6 months or so, then you can consider it... wait for the time when you feel like you can take something else like that on. Young puppies are easy - in 3 months when your baby is a newborn your puppy will be at its most demanding. You don''t want to have to divide your attention like that! Unless you''re an awesome multi tasker or ever got excited about the thought of having twins Then it could be a great time!!!

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 9/9/2006 12:03:02 PM
Author: february2003brid


I had a breeder tell me that the youngest child should be 3 before a pet enters a home and she wouldn't adopt her dogs out to anyone who had young children (including us because my DD was just 2 1/2). Her reasoning was that at 3, children understand not to pull, pinch, annoy the dog plus a host of other reasons (jealousy, time restrictions with the family, etc). I will say that after I talked to her, I held off adopting another dog...add to the mix two MORE kids and we're still dogless

But once my baby is 3 (in 2 years) we'll definitely get a Springer Spaniel!


Also, my neighbor has a black lab and a 5 year old DD and she wished they had waited until Lindsey was older to adopt Abby. She said keeping the house clean of dog hair off the floor while Lindsey was a crawler was terrible!

I find the breeders comments interesting. I did the opposite and wanted my dog to get used to being pulled, pinched etc. sure, kids don't know better so it's better to teach the dog to tolerate it while at the same time teaching the kids to be respectful of animals. We had a cocker spanial when I was a kid and she was the sweetest dog. Not as tolerate as my lab is now, but a good family dog none the less. I bet you can't wait to get another dog.

and I so hear your neighbor on the lab and dog hair thing. I have to vacuum once or twice a day to keep my floors clean

.

But Dem..don't german's shed too? you may already be used to the loose dog hair..

 

[VegasAngel]

Oh yeah I forgot about the possibility of a pet allergy as someone mentioned. That is another thing to think about.

I dont think it is a good idea to let a baby pinch & pull at any animal. That is like asking the animal to bite your baby in face. Letting a child prod & poke doesnt teach the animal to accept it. How much is a dog or cat supposed to take before it feels the need to defend itself?

 

[aljdewey]

Dem, I''d wait. For a few reasons......

I had grown up with dogs, too, and at 21, I got my own dog.....a sweet little sheltie. She died suddenly at 4 years old; I was stunned and shocked. I had just moved to a new city alone, and my dog died 4 months later. I was absolutely crushed. Having always had dogs, I couldn''t bear facing the house alone. I got another dog pretty quickly.

In hindsight, I think it was just too soon. I had hoped a new dog would soothe me, but that really isn''t the best reason to get the new dog. I didn''t have the excitement and the readiness yet for a new dog. I think it made it harder on me and on her in the beginning, because a piece of my heart was still grieving the first dog. I wasn''t able to give 100%. It took us a while to work the kinks out....and that was without having a new baby in the picture.

That second sheltie, Brittany, lived to 11. She died from congestive heart failure, also somewhat suddenly. I knew she had it, but had expected a 12-18 month timeline, and she died 8 weeks later. I was crushed again.

However, this time, I decided not to get another dog right away to fill the space. Instead, I waited until I could be totally enthused and energetic about the new dog on its own merit. This was totally the right way to go. When I got Nicky (my present dog) , I was just absolutely in love with him for him.....not just to fill a space. I had much more to give him.

All of that is without a first-born child coming so quickly. I don''t have children, but I''ve seen enough of my friends/relatives have them to know that it''s completely and utterly all-consuming and disruptive to become a new parent. You''re likely going to be SO tired, you won''t even have the energy to take the dog out!

Granted.....if you already had the dog, you''d of course find a way to juggle both. People make do when they have to. But right now, you don''t have to. You have the luxury of choosing not to overwhelm yourself, and I think that''s a much kinder choice for you, as well as for your newborn and for your future dog. Both child and dog deserve to have all the energy you can give them, and both will thrive if you make those commitments when you''re able to give all you have to both.

 

[aljdewey]

Also, there is a difference between having a new baby come into the house when a dog has been around with you and hubby for a few years versus a dog that''s new to your home.

A dog that''s already been with you for a while already knows it''s place in the household and that it''s not the "alpha". The new dog has to understand its place and recognize you and hubby as the alpha before you introduce another being (the baby) into the mix. That''s likely much harder when the new dog isn''t a puppy because it''s new to the home AND bigger than the baby.