LiW Does this sound reasonable?

[ksprincess]

Hello Ladies,

#9 checking in on the board. I rarely write anything, but I need some advice that I think only you guys can really help me on. So here it goes. I was really hoping and expecting a proposal by year end, but now it seems like that won't be happening (a whole other thread topic..) Anyways, it seems more like now its between February and March, however, BF and I have already talked about getting married in July. Therefore if I didn't start planning till after the proposal I would only have 4-5 months to plan the wedding. There are a couple of problems with this.

1. I am taking the MCAT in April
2. He wants to invite lots of people.

I know planning a wedding in summer will already be hard to do this late but I really cannot afford to be consumed with wedding planning in March. He has been very hesitant about letting me put down deposits on anything before I have a ring on my finger, but I do not see any other way. I do not want to get married when its cold and unfortunately, Aug-Dec should be filled with finishing secondaries and going on interviews for medical school and we do want to get married in 2008.

I'm thinking of telling him that the only way to get this done by July is by starting NOW, he really is having a hard time grasping why it will be so much work, and why I can't do it in a couple of months. Am I being reasonable here?

Thanks Everyone for your input.

 

[brooklyngirl]

I think it''s completely reasonable. If you have already agreed to get married, you are, in fact, engaged -- the absense of a ring doesn''t change that.

If you''re having a tough time explaining to him why hte actual wedding planning takes so much time, I would suggest making a list of tasks that needed to plan your wedding, and deciding how much time each of those tasks will consume. Then it will be much easier to see why a wedding takes 6, 9, 12, etc. months to plan.

Hope this helps!

 

[aliciagirl]

I think it''s unreasonable that he gets to wait around as long as he wants, knowing that it will put so much stress on you to get things done. I would say, "babe, either we get engaged soon, or we are going to be getting married in 2009. OR we are going to be having a tiny wedding because that''s all we can plan in THREE MONTHS" Especially if he is the one who wants to invite so many people. I feel like you should either be allowed to plan now or he should be movin'' that proposal sooner.

You''re being completely reasonable and a lot more calm about it than I would be.

Good luck on your MCATS! I go to a medical school for pharmacy, I know how tough they are!

 

[nessvan12]

I agree with the other ladies...he needs to ask sooner or understand that these things take time to plan. Summer is peak wedding time and lots of venues and vendors are booked for those months FIRST. Maybe if you can find a few vendors that are booked and say-- See, I have to start now or the rest of them will for sure be booked by Mar-Apr.

 

[ksprincess]

These are all great ideas! Since I want to be as convincing as possible, I will probably make a list, find some vendors who are already booked, and lay out all the options you spoke of aliciagirl. Oh and believe me I was not this calm before, I''ve had some time to settle. Its not a good idea for me to post when I am angry/upset.

Aliciagirl, thanks for the well wishes on the MCAT. I''m pretty scared, especially since I haven''t taken the subjects I''ll be tested over in 4+yrs...

 

[aliciagirl]

So many of the medical student at my school have been out of school for a while and they did just fine on their MCATs!! I know, even in my pharmacy class, the smartest people are the ones who are older and haven''t been to college in like 10 years. They make way better grades than me!

Sometimes guys just don''t think things through. Hopefully your talk with him goes well and you get things accomplished!

 

[Pandora II]

Definitely try the vendors route.

My mother thought 19 months was way too long for an engagement until she discovered I wouldn''t find a venue ANYWHERE in our area less than a year ahead.

Summer is prime time and you will find some venues are already booking up for 2009.

I think you can def. do a small wedding in a few months, but I wouldn''t want to do a large one in 3 months unless I had a huge budget and had already booked venue, photographer, florist etc

Some dresses can take more than 6 months to do as well.

Men just don''t get the time thing.

 

[ksprincess]

Well, that did not go over well and now I''m just really upset. He refuses to see why it would take that long to plan a wedding saying that his brother planned his wedding in a month and that he will just plan it if I''m too busy. He even went so far as to suggest that if having a "fairy tale" wedding in July is oh so important to me, maybe I should wait to apply to medical school until 2009. I''m just speechless right now, I feel like he is not being supportive of me going to medical school at all, and so anytime I use it as a reason why we can''t get married later in 2008 or why I can''t plan a wedding in three months he says I''m being selfish and controlling...? I''m going to have to believe that he can''t be serious, I''m going to have to give HIM the vote for being selfish and controlling. Sigh, sorry Ladies, just needed to vent. I just don''t understand why my idea was not a viable compromise and frankly, I give up for the time being. I''m not going to do bad on my mcat, turn in bad secondaries, not be focused for interviews because of a wedding. The marriage is whats important! I say fine you want your timeline to be the way YOU want it then we will just go to the courthouse and call it a day!


This is why I don''t post while upset.

 

[Shannon72781]

KS,

Though I''m not OFFICIALLY engaged yet (SO bought the ring and has been hinting it will be in Dec) we''ve went and looked at 1 venue and loved it! We are signing the contract this week!

If you know 100% you''re getting married- go ahead and get a head start! I think the time given between you''re engagement and wedding is a pretty small window, so take the time now to start looking and planning and book important vendors (church, reception venue, photographer). If you''re ok with buying a dress off the rack or go the DB route, wait until after the engagement to find a dress

I sooooo want to try on dresses, but I want that to be special when I have my ring on my finger! But check out the knot and all those pretty dresses on there!

Good look on your MCATs too!!

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 11/30/2007 12:08:11 AM
Author: ksprincess
Well, that did not go over well and now I'm just really upset. He refuses to see why it would take that long to plan a wedding saying that his brother planned his wedding in a month and that he will just plan it if I'm too busy. He even went so far as to suggest that if having a 'fairy tale' wedding in July is oh so important to me, maybe I should wait to apply to medical school until 2009. I'm just speechless right now, I feel like he is not being supportive of me going to medical school at all, and so anytime I use it as a reason why we can't get married later in 2008 or why I can't plan a wedding in three months he says I'm being selfish and controlling...? I'm going to have to believe that he can't be serious, I'm going to have to give HIM the vote for being selfish and controlling. Sigh, sorry Ladies, just needed to vent. I just don't understand why my idea was not a viable compromise and frankly, I give up for the time being. I'm not going to do bad on my mcat, turn in bad secondaries, not be focused for interviews because of a wedding. The marriage is whats important! I say fine you want your timeline to be the way YOU want it then we will just go to the courthouse and call it a day!


This is why I don't post while upset.

I hate to say this ksprincess but this would be a huge red flag to me.

It seems that he is being totally disrespectful of your feelings and is actually the one being very controlling. He also seems to be less supportive than he should be of your career ambitions.

Is this kind of behaviour a one off or completely typical? If it's typical I would be asking a lot of questions about why I want to be with a man who doesn't want to make me happy in everyway he can and more important respect my point of view.

My FI is not that into marriage as a concept, but because it meant a lot more to me to be married than it meant to him not to be married he spent 6 months preparing a suprise proposal and is now pretty happy about the whole marriage idea and loves watching me plan everything (though he doesn't want to do any himself - good thing too!)

I don't mean giving me a 10ct diamond because I'd like one, but at least respecting my plans - weddings are something that are normally much dearer to a girls heart than a man's and you deserve to enjoy the planning experience. I really doubt that it can be done in a month especially for a large number of people unless you can throw serious amounts of money at it. Here you can't even get a licence in under 3 weeks.

Is there a reason that you need to get married in 2008? Could you not just enjoy a longer engagement.

Otherwise I would tell him that his way is fine, but he can forget the party - it will be just you, him and the courthouse. Two can play at his game.

ETA: I see you did say that.

I would really see this kind of behaviour as very serious though - is it going to be the same over holidays, kids, houses etc etc. For me it would probably be a potential break-up issue as mutual respect of each other's feelings is a HUGE part of a good relationship.

 

[ksprincess]

Pandora I completely agree with you and it did cause me to take pause. However, Saturday he came to my apt and apologized for not being supportive or understanding and told me that we could go ahead and start planning and that he would propose soon and to show how serious he was about it he called both of his parents, before coming over,to tell them he was buying the ring and that we would be getting married soon. His mother even called me to say congratulations.

I did delve deeper into the topic of me becoming a doctor and he opened up to me about his father and him being a doctor and how his dad was never home. He is fearful that I will be the same way.

While I still plan on being a doctor and he is supporting me, I know in the back of his mind he is scared that I will be gone all the time. So I will have to make sure to give him as much time as I can. Its going to be a tough balance I already know. We have been going to premarital counseling for the past few months now and I think I will bring this topic up at our next session.

In lighter news, over the weekend we decided on a wedding in my kansas hometown. Outdoors, in a field, with a bbq, tented reception and yes, we are still inviting EVERYONE

 

[KimberlyH]

kprincess, I''m so glad he came to his senses, and didn''t just apologize, but put a plan into action. Hooray for choosing a place to be married and moving forward with plans. I think discussing your career and how it will affect your marriage is a great idea. I think it''s fanstastic that you both have the foresight to think about and discuss these things. Good luck, can''t wait to see the ring.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 12/3/2007 8:54:14 AM
Author: ksprincess
Pandora I completely agree with you and it did cause me to take pause. However, Saturday he came to my apt and apologized for not being supportive or understanding and told me that we could go ahead and start planning and that he would propose soon and to show how serious he was about it he called both of his parents, before coming over,to tell them he was buying the ring and that we would be getting married soon. His mother even called me to say congratulations.

I did delve deeper into the topic of me becoming a doctor and he opened up to me about his father and him being a doctor and how his dad was never home. He is fearful that I will be the same way.

While I still plan on being a doctor and he is supporting me, I know in the back of his mind he is scared that I will be gone all the time. So I will have to make sure to give him as much time as I can. Its going to be a tough balance I already know. We have been going to premarital counseling for the past few months now and I think I will bring this topic up at our next session.

In lighter news, over the weekend we decided on a wedding in my kansas hometown. Outdoors, in a field, with a bbq, tented reception and yes, we are still inviting EVERYONE

I''m so glad that I didn''t totally offend you! And even more glad that your FFI has come to his senses.

As the daughter, grand-daughter, niece, cousin etc etc of doctors, I do get where your BF is coming from on the whole ''time'' issue.

I must admit that I probably wouldn''t have married a doctor myself (FI''s father is also a doctor - so I am SURROUNDED by them!)

Having said that, I am a politician and the hours and hours that that takes up (to say nothing of my day job) is incredible. I rarely get home before midnight. I turned down the chance to be a Member of the European Parliament because my relationship was ultimately more important to me than my career - but then, I am 35. It would have been a different story 5 or 10 years ago.

I have decided that I will take a break once we decide to have kids - and I''ve told FI that he has to as well. I''m not sure it went down too well - so I can see both sides of the coin for your situation too.

 

[tberube]

yeesh - I'm sorry to inject my opinion here, I didn't read the whole thread yet, but I have to say this now. He seems to be demanding a lot from you to make up for his lack of being on time with the proposal. You want to get married in 2008 with a big wedding, but it really kinda has to be before the fall, but he couldn't get the ring together before the end of this year...but he doesn't want you to plan anything before he gets off his rump and gets you the ring??

I'm sorry, sweetie. Your story telling about this is so kind and patient - I'm being frustrated for you. He's making it really hard for you to do your part of getting the wedding planned, even though he's not doing his part.

 

[louisvgirl]

Well I too am glad that he went over and apologiized. I was a liitle concerned about everything he said to you especially of just wanting to wait a few more months to get engaged and just putting off the planning. This got me a little worried. BUT, I was able to breathe a sigh of relief when he bumped everything up and has seen the light. I am so glad he told his mom about getting engaged and her calling you to congratulate you. My red flag got blown away. I''m so happy that things will fall into place very, very soon. I understand his fear of you not being around once you become a doctor, his feelings are valid, and it''s good that he was able to communicate this with you, sooner than later. You''re aware and you have acknowledged that you will need to make time for him.
Good for you. Kudos to you becoming a doctor. what a great accomplishment to go down that path. I''m happy you will get to plan your wedding and get engaged sooner that later. Congrats!!!

 

[ksprincess]

Thanks everyone for your advice and thoughts, I really appreciate it. I feel like this giant weight has lifted and now I''ve started thinking about the wedding as opposed to the proposal. Still waiting for the official proposal though! I''m just glad that we are able to talk through things.

 

[gwendolyn]

If he wants to wait for the proposal and he wants to invite tons of people, I say he should do the planning--or at least help. Let him see firsthand how easy it is to book things only a few months in advance. Give him some places to call and have him ask how far in advance they need bookings and deposits.