Wedding Does Shower Gift Count as Wedding Gift?

[oobiecoo]

So Mr. Oobiecoo and I have been having a debate over this. He thinks that some people feel that giving a bridal shower gift counts as their wedding gift. I disagree and think that it is polite to give a gift for each seperate event... one for the shower and one for the wedding. What does everyone else think? We live in Texas... in case its a regional thing.

 

[gwendolyn]

I've always given separate gifts for showers and weddings, although my shower gifts are usually less expensive than the wedding gift (and often more personalized, rather than just picking something off the registry). I know other people that think they are one and the same, though, so I'm not sure if there's a 'right' answer.

I also don't really like the idea of a bridal shower though, honestly, because (at least the ones I've been to) they seem like they're just parties thrown in order to get more presents. I know people who have engagement parties (and expect presents), multiple bridal showers (and expect multiple presents if you're in the bridal party and are invited to all of them), bachelor/bachelorette parties (and expect presents) and then (finally!) the wedding (and expect presents). Maybe I'm just a scrooge, but in my opinion, it gets kind of extreme sometimes, especially when you have multiple weddings to attend in one year.

 

[CrownJewel]

I''m from the northeast, and usually people give a separate gift for each event. A small gift (from friends) for engagement party, a slightly bigger gift for bridal shower, and either cash or a big gift for the wedding. It seems like the older guests (e.g. friends of parents, aunts and uncles, etc) give big gifts for all the events.

However, for my bridal shower, my mom said that my Chinese relatives will get confused if we invite them to a shower. She said they will give me a gift for either the shower or the wedding, but in the Chinese culture they don''t give gifts for both. Actually they don''t have bridal showers. And FI''s mom said the same thing about their Russian family and friends. No bridal shower. Gift only for the wedding.

 

[krisvrn]

I think they are separate gifts! I am located in the Midwest.

 

[Cleopatra]

I''m from the deep southeast - Shower presents are usually classified as the wedding gift. Sometimes, you''ll get a couple of people who do a separate gift for both, but it''s pretty rare.

 

[oobiecoo]

Gwen: Thanks for the input. I agree that the gift-giving can get a little excessive at times. I had a friend who had 3 showers, a bachelorette, and the wedding. I only had one shower and wedding. I think a bridal shower is a nice tradition to "shower" the new couple with gifts if they are just starting out and don''t have much.

Crown: I figured that some cultures would think of it differently... but the people I am referring to from our own experience are just plain "American". haha.

Kris: Thanks!

It''s not about getting more gifts or anything, I was just genuinely confused and thought maybe some cards or gifts were lost... We also had some guests (who didn''t attend the shower) who didn''t give a gift or a card. I can understand no gift if you''re on a tight budget... but can''t they at least grab a card and write a nice note?

 

[oobiecoo]

Date: 6/24/2008 1:27:26 PM
Author: Cleopatra
I''m from the deep southeast - Shower presents are usually classified as the wedding gift. Sometimes, you''ll get a couple of people who do a separate gift for both, but it''s pretty rare.

Cleo: Thanks for the reply! Most of our guests did seperate gifts. I guess its just a gray area...

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/24/2008 1:32:18 PM
Author: oobiecoo
It''s not about getting more gifts or anything, I was just genuinely confused and thought maybe some cards or gifts were lost... We also had some guests (who didn''t attend the shower) who didn''t give a gift or a card. I can understand no gift if you''re on a tight budget... but can''t they at least grab a card and write a nice note?

As I understand it, guests generally have a year after the wedding to give a gift. I know most give it before or on the day, but I thought I''d been told that at some point (although I could be wrong--I''m definitely not an etiquette queen).

 

[Stephanie]

Date: 6/24/2008 1:27:26 PM
Author: Cleopatra
I''m from the deep southeast - Shower presents are usually classified as the wedding gift. Sometimes, you''ll get a couple of people who do a separate gift for both, but it''s pretty rare.

From the south and yes, it is rare to get a gift for both occassions unless it is a relative or someone very close.

 

[Haven]

Date: 6/24/2008 1:39:09 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 6/24/2008 1:32:18 PM

Author: oobiecoo

It''s not about getting more gifts or anything, I was just genuinely confused and thought maybe some cards or gifts were lost... We also had some guests (who didn''t attend the shower) who didn''t give a gift or a card. I can understand no gift if you''re on a tight budget... but can''t they at least grab a card and write a nice note?

As I understand it, guests generally have a year after the wedding to give a gift. I know most give it before or on the day, but I thought I''d been told that at some point (although I could be wrong--I''m definitely not an etiquette queen).

Ahh, the one year myth. It''s a myth, I don''t know why it is so pervasive in our culture, but the truth is that guests should send a gift to the bride''s home before the wedding, or to the couple''s home. It is considered impolite to wait until after the event to give a gift, and especially to wait a whole year!

As for the shower/wedding gift question, I live in the midwest and we always give separate gifts for each event.

 

[Clio]

I''m from the deep South, and we''ve always done separate gifts for both. The shower gift is something "kitcheny" or functional; the wedding gift is china, silver, or something along those lines.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/24/2008 1:48:25 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 6/24/2008 1:39:09 PM

Author: gwendolyn

Date: 6/24/2008 1:32:18 PM


Author: oobiecoo


It's not about getting more gifts or anything, I was just genuinely confused and thought maybe some cards or gifts were lost... We also had some guests (who didn't attend the shower) who didn't give a gift or a card. I can understand no gift if you're on a tight budget... but can't they at least grab a card and write a nice note?

As I understand it, guests generally have a year after the wedding to give a gift. I know most give it before or on the day, but I thought I'd been told that at some point (although I could be wrong--I'm definitely not an etiquette queen).

Ahh, the one year myth. It's a myth, I don't know why it is so pervasive in our culture, but the truth is that guests should send a gift to the bride's home before the wedding, or to the couple's home. It is considered impolite to wait until after the event to give a gift, and especially to wait a whole year!


As for the shower/wedding gift question, I live in the midwest and we always give separate gifts for each event.

Is it a myth? Hahah, good to know--maybe I should tell the bride and groom who told me I could wait a year to give them a gift (I mentioned I was tight on cash at the time and they said, "Don't worry, you have a year!").

 

[Haven]

Gwennie--Hey, if they gave you a year I''d take advantage of it!

And besides, as someone who is knee-deep in the whole being-a-bride-and-getting-wedding-gifts thing, it is so NOT about how much you spend. We have some friends who simply can''t afford a large gift, but they gave us beautiful gifts that were in their budget, and those gifts mean so much to us. I collect hand-potted mugs and one friend actually made two mugs for us with her own hands--you can''t beat that!

 

[sumbride]

I grew up in Texas and the shower and wedding gifts were always separate. We had a few people that only did one, but most of the people at the shower also gave us wedding gifts.

The year thing is really annoying... but people keep telling me that and I keep telling them it''s not true. So suddenly I''m the "greedy bride" because I''m wondering about a few people that we "expected" would give us a gift that haven''t. It''s been 8 months. I put away my thank you notes! My registries are mostly completed. What''s the holdup? The most notable are our siblings and my MIL. No gifts from them. It''s actually kind of weird. Not even a card! (and they are all older than us. We''re both the youngest in our families.)

 

[violet02]

I live in CA and out here it''s two gifts. But it''s good to know that it''s one gift in other parts of the country considering we''ve invited people to both that are from all parts of the US.

Also I''ve read many times about the 1 year rule but I read in another magazine the other day that even though there''s that ''1 year'' you shouldn''t buy a gift more than one month past the wedding. Personally I would buy it before, I don''t know why people wait... or wait so long. Sometimes some people help finish people''s registries after the wedding when they have items left over. I saw that happen with a friends registry.

 

[musey]

I guess as a guest I would give two smaller ones (relative to my total budget) rather than one bigger one. But as a bride, it would never occur to me to expect two separate gifts.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

I''m from New York and we got separate gifts at our engagement party, shower, and wedding.

 

[oobiecoo]

Date: 6/24/2008 4:13:47 PM
Author: musey
I guess as a guest I would give two smaller ones (relative to my total budget) rather than one bigger one. But as a bride, it would never occur to me to expect two separate gifts.

Its not that expected to get 2 gifts because I''m greedy... I just expected (assumed, rather) to get 2 gifts because I thought that was the protocol. Does that make sense?

I really appeciate everyone''s input. It''s interesting to see all the different traditions for various cultures and parts of the country/world. I know I will stick to separate gifts for each occasion though since it seems to be most common here

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 6/24/2008 1:11:24 PM
Author:oobiecoo
So Mr. Oobiecoo and I have been having a debate over this. He thinks that some people feel that giving a bridal shower gift counts as their wedding gift. I disagree and think that it is polite to give a gift for each seperate event... one for the shower and one for the wedding. What does everyone else think? We live in Texas... in case its a regional thing.

I agree with you. I think it's polite to give a gift for both events.

ETA: I live in the northeast, by the way.

 

[musey]

Date: 6/24/2008 4:35:57 PM
Author: oobiecoo

Date: 6/24/2008 4:13:47 PM
Author: musey

I guess as a guest I would give two smaller ones (relative to my total budget) rather than one bigger one. But as a bride, it would never occur to me to expect two separate gifts.

Its not that expected to get 2 gifts because I'm greedy... I just expected (assumed, rather) to get 2 gifts because I thought that was the protocol. Does that make sense?

I didn't mean to suggest that you were (greedy, that is). I was trying to point out that what I would expect of myself (as a guest) is not what I would expect from others (as a bride). I would assume many people would do one gift--if they're invited to the shower, give their "wedding gift" at that time instead of later. However, I myself would choose to do two.

Nothing to do with protocol, just what I would do instinctively.

To be fair, I also 'expect' a large part of our guest list to not give a gift at all.

Hope that makes sense...

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 6/24/2008 1:27:26 PM
Author: Cleopatra
I''m from the deep southeast - Shower presents are usually classified as the wedding gift. Sometimes, you''ll get a couple of people who do a separate gift for both, but it''s pretty rare.

Ditto--except for me it was more of a mixed bag. Some people sent gifts for both (older, more well off couples) and some did either/or (younger friends, recent college graduates, etc.) In my part of the world both are appreciated, and either is perfectly acceptable.

 

[Pandora II]

We don''t have showers in the UK, and you wouldn''t be expected to bring a gift to a hen party or an engagement party.

We just do wedding presents here.

 

[Rhea]

For me it would just depend on what I felt like getting for the person. I''m more likely to do one larger gift, but if I have a grand idea I''ll just follow that.

 

[decodelighted]

I always thought the Shower gift was just for the Bride (unless its a Kitchen Shower) ... and the Wedding gift was for the COUPLE. Its Engagement Gifts I just totally don''t get. Never given one, not gonna start.

Honestly, I''ve missed giving a couple wedding gifts too. But only on weddings where I spent a TON getting there etc. I''ve always thought the year thing was correct and then, oops, I forgot. I know its awful but I did it. There gets to be a point where its just awkward.

Re: siblings ... yeah, uh, a couple of mine didn''t pony up

, including - IIRC ... MY SINGLE ATTENDANT. Luckily I keep my expectations L-O-W.

(And ... you know .. the guilt from my own oversights overrides any possible annoyance.)