LiW Does anyone else regret ...

[southhorizon]

having told their SO that they have to choose the ring themselves and decide when to propose?

I did this a few months ago after SO initiated discussions about getting married because I like the idea of him proposing with a ring he has chosen and, for financial reasons, I want him to decide how much he wants to spend. He told me a little while ago roughly what he is thinking (diamond size, quality etc - he has obviously done a fair amount of homework) and since then, nothing....

So despite being the one pushing things initially, he is now not saying much about it at all or hinting that it will be some time yet. I don''t know whether this is because he is waiting for the right opportunity (he has told me he wants it to be when I least expect it) or because he is now wanting to slow things down. We have been together about a year and are living together. We are both 36 and would like to have a family (which we have discussed) so we don''t have forever to decide.

I don''t mind if it is still a little while off but it would be nice to have some idea so I can stop thinking about it in the meantime. My subtle attempts to extract some information have been unsuccessful. He has told me that since I didn''t want to be involved in choosing the ring and wanted the proposal to be a surprise, I now have to trust him (which is absolutely fair but very frustrating!)

Any hints on how to ask him about a timeframe without ruining the surprise if he is planning to do it soon?

 

[ckrickett]

Hmm maybe since he asked you questions and was chatty about it then all of a sudden hush hush, maybe he has the ring and is waiting for the right moment to opo the question. Do you have any milestones coming up, any vacations or events?

 

[southhorizon]

We have two weekends away and our anniversary in the next 2 months but he is very anti doing it when I might expect it so I don''t think that will be it. I''m not even sure he has bought the ring - he has talked about it but I think he works on boy time when it comes to really doing something about it. (I am still waiting for my birthday present from March!) And since i have told him he has to choose it himself, I can''t even offer helpful suggestions to nudge him along.

 

[suchende]

if your concern is about starting a family, why not just cut to the chase and ask him when he thinks he''ll be ready to start trying, or let him know when you want to?

 

[elrohwen]

I would just talk to him about it. Say that you don''t want to know the exact date or anything, but that you''d like to start thinking of wedding and family planning and need to know some general timeline. I don''t think that''s too much to ask! He can tell you that it''s planned for the next few months or even next year without giving too much away.

 

[Squirrly]

to answer the do i regret being completely unhelpful and telling him it''s all up to him part, nope. i can read him horribly easily, as he can me, so surprises are hard to come by, but great fun when they do happen. that and in general i am that person who orders last because she just can''t make up her mind about what she wants and ends up getting something completely different than what she said she was going to anyway. the less i know and think about it, the happier i will be

however i did run into a timeline issue of sorts. i know my loans will start hitting me 6 months after graduation and i have pretty good employment here, as well as rent-free living (though i pay in sanity for living with my parents and sister), so i''m not going to pick up and move around with him every 2 years or so when he changes bases unless we''re married. not unless i became magically debt-free. i ended up having a talk with him about that, not about exactly when, or what i would be getting, but just a general "hey this is what''s coming up quickly and i''m going to have to make some major life decisions soon" conversation and it turned out quite well.

hope that''s somewhat helpful

of course you could always try playing a cd that says "you will propose to southhorizon very very soon" over and over while he sleeps to work on the subconscious/subliminal message dealie