Do you think that moms have unrealistic expectations?

[Miss Sparkly]

The thought came to me while reading Dreamers thread and I didn't want to threadjack that one. I know that my mom always dreamed that her daughter (me) would want her hair done, wear pretty dresses and do wonderfully girly things. What happened instead was that her daughter loved to dig in the dirt, play baseball, wear jeans, and go fishing with her dad. Sweet I am not. My personality is too strong at times and blunt to a fault - for a girl. I know that it crushed my mom and she didn't deal with it well at all. I also know that my view on moms in general is very tainted by my own childhood. Still, I can't help but wonder if all the daydreaming is just that, daydreaming. Even if you did have a girl it doesn't mean that she would want what you do.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I'm so sorry that you feel your mom made you feel she was crushed that you didn't turn out more girly. I'm pregnant with a girl and was (and still am) very much a tomboy. I caught snakes, played in the mud and didn't like the color pink. These things still apply to me and I'm 30. My husband and I are outdoorsy and I do feel that will play a role in how our daughter's life is shaped, but I'm terrified of having a princess-y type girl. If she is the princess type, then I would never want her to feel bad about it. We'll love her just as much in a pink tutu as we would in hiking gear. So long as she doesn't whine.

I have three sisters and we are all completely different--so I do feel that it's a gamble!

ETA: I have to admit--with the username "Sparkly Blonde" and an avatar of a toy dog in a pink shirt, I would totally think you were the girlie-girl type!

 

[Miss Sparkly]

haha! I turned into much more of a girly type beginning around age 20 though I still haven't worn a dress or heals in years. I enjoy reading the family section as I will never have children and it can be fun to read about everybody else. At the same time I can't help but wish that people were grounded a bit more in the real world instead of heads being in the clouds. Often I think my posts come across as bitchy or plain negative when in reality I'm just too curious for my own good and really wonder about these things!

My biggest hope for a girl is that she would grow up confident and happy with herself. No matter what.

On a side note, the Truvia commercial really bothers me ! To be fair they need to have a man singing about coffee making his butt fat too but being able to fit into skinny jeans after switching to Truvia

 

[fieryred33143]

Most everyone has unrealistic expectations.

I think in general, people sort of expect parents to be without flaws. And if they are not good parents, the child blames themselves which is really sad. I think if you (the general you) feels that way, then therapy with the right therapist may really help. Having a bad or unloving parent or a bad childhood doesn't mean you will be a bad parent or that parenthood is full of misery. It just means that you're parents probably should have hit up a therapist at some point to work out their issues.

As for the topic, I think I expect the same any parent does for their child. I want her to find someone she loves, get married, and have children. She may never go down that path but I can't imagine not loving her or making her feel any less special than she is. She means the world to me. There are times when I just stop in disbelief that I have such an amazing love in my life. I can't imagine ever feeling any differently even if she chooses a different path than what i see for her.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Hmmm. I can't say it makes me very happy that my thread led you to this particular path, SB, or if it did, that you mention me in connection to these thoughts you are having about motherhood. Your experiences with your mother make me feel sad for you now as an adult woman, and ache for the little girl you were who was aware of being a crushing diappintment to your mother. But please don't project that onto me as a mother The dynamics you describe have nothing at all to do with gender or expectations, in my opinion, and everything to do with a parent's ability to be accepting, loving, and responsive to their kids. Expectations and responsiveness are two different issues.

 

[galeteia]

I think people have unrealistic expectations of children, period. What about fathers who expect their sons to grow up to be captian of the football team and then are crushed when their boy is a bookish type, or likes to draw?

Like you, I cannot/will not have children. This has provoked plenty of ridiculous comments made by others, and has made me realize that people in general often see children as what I call 'insurance': "But you'll be alone and unloved when you're old" Yes, that's why there are so many abandoned, neglected, and abused seniors who have been unloaded by their 'loving families' into retirement homes and forgotten unless people need money. So much for children being insurance against being alone and unloved at an old age! There is no guarantee your children will turn out a certain way, period.

By the way, you may not have meant it this way, but you said: "I enjoy reading the family section as I will never have children and it can be fun to read about everybody else. At the same time I can't help but wish that people were grounded a bit more in the real world instead of heads being in the clouds. Often I think my posts come across as bitchy or plain negative [...] " Which, if I had been one of the people who posted in the family section, or worse, the very person you referenced this thread to, I would find this comment extremely rude. Then you wondered in the very next sentence about your posts being 'bitchy', perhaps consider your phrasing in the sentence immediately prior? I'm not trying to kick dirt on your shoes, just pointing out that may be your answer right there.

 

[fieryred33143]

Dreamer I wish you had posted before me. I would have just ditto'ed.

I also have my head somewhere else (maybe in the clouds) because I thought this was from the STTN thread and couldn't make the connection. I see now that Sparkly was referencing the daughter thread and I have come to the same conclusion as Galateia.

SB I have never thought that your posts come across as rude or bitchy. I do get a sense of a lot of sadness and an overall lost feeling when I read your posts in this section. For someone who seems to have such a negative opinion on motherhood, you sure do love to share it often. I wouldn't even waste my time with something I dislike so much.

 

[KimberlyH]

Mothers' expectations and desires are as varied as mothers themselves are, I'd venture to guess. While I can't relate to having a gender peference for my children, as a mother I do understand the bond and hopes I have for who my child becomes. None are specific, like wishing she'll love playing dress up or shop with me, but they are hopes nonetheless -- a life of contentment, a kind spirit, strength, and that she have interests that keep her mind and body healthy. If those things make me a bad mother, well I'll wear the label proudly.

Making such a blanket statement seems more naive than anything else; our experiences color our perceptions, but I imagine if you looked around you you'd find lots of loving, amazing moms who are appreciative of their children for being exactly who they are: male, female, feminine, masculine, bookish, physically driven, etc.

 

[Pandora II]

Since Fiery has brought it up, I have noticed that you spend an awful lot of time on threads to do with babies and that generally says something about the person's subconcious. Until I got hit (or rather DH got hit) with baby fever I don't think I don't I ever set foot in this part of PS.

My parents weren't the greatest - even now I find it hard not to feel a complete failure in my father's eyes, but becoming a parent has really shown me that mistakes they made weren't always out of malice but from projecting their desires onto me and that you need not repeat those mistakes.

To give an example... my father read Medicine at Cambridge University having won scholarships to all his previous schools and then won the Surgery medal. I was an extremely bright and precocious child and it was just assumed that I would do the same. The huge amount of pressure that was put on me and the dire punishments for not being what I was supposed to be and 'achieving my potential' probably made things even worse and despite having the grades and a place at a very prestigious University, I ended up studying Textiles Design at an Art College - although I did win one of the UK Student Designer of the Year awards in my final year (oh and a prize from the local Health Authority for designing a packet for condoms - surely my father's proudest moment ).

My husband read Politics, Philosophy and Economics at Oxford University having won scholarships to his previous schools, his brother read Natural Sciences at Cambridge and their father Medicine at Oxford. Our daughter is extremely bright and very ahead for her age. We already know which schools she will be sitting scholarships to at 11 (some schools in the UK you have to put their names down at birth!) and it's hard not to wonder if she'll pick her father's & grandfather's college at Oxford or her other grandfather's or uncle's college at Cambridge when she goes to University. AND THE POOR KID IS ONLY TWO!

However, I hope that I learnt enough to not make those hopes the be all and end all or to make her feel the world has ended if she doesn't get the scholarship. I guess I'll be a little disappointed if she chooses not to go to University but as much for her missing the experience as for my personal secret hopes.

Most of all I just hope she is happy, confident and feels she has value in this world (and woe betide any boyfriend that even looks at her funny )

Oh, I was a total tomboy and have ended up with a complete mix - my dolly loving princess who slops round the house in pink sparkly high-heels and demands nail polish will also climb higher than any of the boys on the playground equipment and is utterly fearless. She also loves my snakes.

I'd love her to meet a nice man, get married, have kids (so I can laugh about what a nightmare they are being) etc, but we are pre-resigned to ending up with an evangelical christian socialist nun or similar just to spite us and our liberal conservative atheism!

I won't 100% write off having children if I were you - I think you might suprise yourself and I have found it a way of laying to rest an awful lot of ghosts and to understanding more about my parents and healthier ways of parenting.

Finally I KNOW that one day my child will tell me:

- she wished she'd never been born
- that she is going to run away and then I will be sorry
- that I don't understand
- that I am the cause of all her faults/unhappiness in life
- that I forced her to do x, y, or z

and I'll send her off the boarding school , no seriously, I hope that I will be able to say truthfully that I tried my very best and whatever mistakes we may have made she was always so very wanted and so very loved.

 

[Sha]

I think all parents have expectations for their children - some more unrealistic than others, as well as some more rigidly held, others more flexible. Not all parents expect their daughters/sons to live up to their stereotyped roles. I was a tomboy as well growing up; I was never into dolls but loved climbing trees and playing with cars with my brothers. I don't think it was a big deal for my parents, although they did expect me to be more 'domestic' as I became a teenager. I'm still not a girly-girl, and it doesn't matter to me whether my daughter is a tomboy or princess type. I'm more concerned about her overall happiness and well-being, I guess.

 

[Haven]

I'm sorry about what you went through with your own mother, SparklyB.

My experience was the opposite. While loving, my parents had zero to no expectations for us growing up. I've shared this before, but my mom jokes that she raised us with "benign neglect." Ha. Ha. So funny, isn't it? We all turned out okay, but I wish they would have had more expectations for us. I think I would have had more varied experiences as a child, and might have developed some skills I ended up neglecting. I think it's important to accept your children for who they are, but it's also important to set up some expectations along the way to help them figure themselves out, as well.

 

[CharmyPoo]

My parents raised us with no expectations other than that we be the best we can be. I see nothing wrong with wishing our kids do better than we do ourselves. I have the same feelings for my younger siblings - growing up, I always encourage them not to make the same mistakes I have. I want them to be more. I don't think it is unrealistic.

Perhaps .. if I read between the lines, may I ask if you are disappointed in yourself in some way and projected it onto not meeting your mom's expectations?

 

[Lottie]

My parents expected my brother to go to university and the girls to marry (not their fault - thats how they were brought up themselves). I remember asking my mother when I was 17 if she knew what I was studying at college and she didn't.

I will not be adjusting my expectations for my children according to their gender!

Edited to remove personal info and a huge, off topic ramble - sorry!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I have a saying about expectations that ruffles a few feathers but I believe it is true. Expectations are premeditated resentments. I think children have expectations of their parents, parents of their children, friends of their friends, employer to employee, etc. I hear so many stories of resentment, disappointment, angry b/c someone didn't act a certain way. Didn't say what they expected or wanted to hear. Some of the expectations (safety, nourishment, love, kindness) SHOULD be met, but it was not. Some of the behavior is horrible, terrible, tragic, but my job is not to side, defend, lynch, or minimize someone else's experience. My job is to help the disappointed/hurt person accept what was done and move on. Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It is damaging in so many ways including towards healthy relationships.

I am sorry you did not feel accepted towards your mother. No doubt it is because of her issues not your interests/hobbies. Every child deserves to feel acceptance and love. I hope with time and maybe some therapy you can resolve your unfinished business.

 

[partgypsy]

I have to admit I felt nothing but unconditional love and acceptance from my mom my whole life. I'm sure my Dad would have loved me to go into a more lucrative position, but that's him coming from being a businessman and feeling that is what is best, and seperate from me knowing he loves me as much as any father loved his daughter.

It's funny I can be very critical of myself, setting high standards and feeling bad when I don't accomplish everything I want or aspire to. But being an older mom, I'm simply grateful my kids are happy and physically and mentally healthy, and feel everything else is a bonus.

One of my daughters is more like me personality-wise, smart and a book reader. My youngest is a funny combination of being very physical, but also loving everything princess (naturally, she was She-Ra for Halloween). Initially I was a little resistant about her attraction for Barbie dolls and polly pockets, but I figure you are only young once and she is well-rounded in other ways. I've played with Barbie dolls more in the last 3 years than I have my entire childhood!

 

[soocool]

I had no doubt that with our love and support DD would turn out to be a wonderful woman. She will be 19 next month and is in college studying pharmaceutical science. She is thriving and I am happy that she found an area that both interests and excites her. But to tell you the truth, I had secretly hoped that DD would have been a model. She was contacted by a modeling agency in NY after spotting her at a mall modeling clothes for a fund raiser (her friend at school designed the clothes). They wanted to sign her on, but she declined saying that she may get a chance at modeling again, but going to school right now was the best thing for her. To tell you the truth, I secretly wished that she modeled and I could see her face plastered on magazine covers. But she has to please herself and not me and I am proud of her accomplishments and for the wonderful woman she is turing out to be.

DD is not a carbon copy of me and we don't always see eye to eye, but we do respect each other, and each other's opinions, and each other's space. If she doesn't want me to interfere she will say so and I will respect her wishes.I do have to say though that DD has EXCEEDED my expectations.

 

[partgypsy]

soocool it's funny that you wanted your daughter to be a model, instead of going into pharmaceutical science. To give some background, my sister and I were cute blonde twins so we were approached to be in ads, which my mom said no. But my sister and I were dang, we could have had a nice little fund if we did that!

Now with my daughters while my youngest is simply really cute (for example when we were at Dollywood the professional photographers kept taking her pictures so she had a bunch of bands on her wrist), my oldest has this kind of rare beauty that is hard to describe. I have strangers stop me to tell me how beautiful she is, with embarrassing regularity. She is also tall for her age, and people point that out and ask is she going to be a supermodel?

Would I mind if my daughter got into modeling? Not at all. But my husband is against it (he is very protective of his daughters) and we would both have to agree, and it really is a commitment for the whole family to do something like this.

 

[swimmer]

Hmmm, I guess the original post here has me thinking, "do children have unrealistic expectations?" If your mom had a desire for you to paint your nails and you were more interested in fishing with dad, well, it seems like you still had two parents who were all about you and in their own human way did the very best that they could. Sounds pretty darn ideal! Congratulations on a positive and statistically unusual childhood pink sparkly dressed up little dog avatar poster.