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Home Do you recommend waiting to TTC?

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CNOS128

CNOS128

Ideal_Rock
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Hi all,

My fiance and I are getting married in June, 2009, at which time I will be about 30 and he will be well into his mid-30s. We both want at least 2 children and he would ideally like to have them before he''s 40 - and I''m concerned about health risks for the child linked to conceiving at a relatively ''advanced'' age (on the part of both parents).

My inclination is to start TTC pretty soon after we marry, but I''ve heard people recommend being married for at least a year before having children. Anyone agree with this? Disagree? I''d love to hear compelling reasons to wait and not to wait, if anyone''s willing to share.

Also - there are a million lists available for couples preparing to get married (101 questions to ask before you marry; 365 ways to prepare for marriage) - is there a similar sort of list for those preparing to have children? Does anyone have recommendations?


Thank you!!!
BigT
 
Hi Big T! I think it really varies from couple to couple. We are in our early/mid 30's and wanted two kids (who knew they would both come at once!) and we decided to get going right away. We both felt that we had had led jam packed lives of excitement and adventure, and that the downsides of waiting (health risks, difficulty conceiving, older grandparents (DH's dad is 75 already), etc.) far outweighed the upsides. For us, we felt that adding kiddies would just add to our joy and feeling of family, so we were both 100% on board with getting busy right away! We will have two children before our first anniversary.

I think, unless you're really close to the line (aka, 35) that it is up to both of you and your comfort level. If you're both gung-ho and know what you're in for, I don't think there's any reason to wait. If one or both of you is hesitant, then that's another matter!

As for knowing when you're ready... that I can't answer! What I've been told is "You are NEVER ready, and you will always make yourself ready." There is no "perfect time". You just do it and make it work!

Heck, we don't even know what country we'll be living in when the babes are 6 months old! But wherever we go, they'll go too.
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Family is family and you make it work!
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I think if you are truly secure in your relationship and ready to have kids there is no need to wait. But if you are even a BIT unsure about your marriage (and I think people should be totally honest with themselves here), then you should wait to make sure it "works out". I know that second part sounds harsh but there seem to be a number of people who enter marriage as a "let's try and see" type thing...
 
I agree with Indy. It's really a decision you have to make as a couple. For us (we're in our mid 20's), we waited a little over a year before we started TTC. It was really hard waiting because we had serious baby fever but it was best for us. It gave us time to enjoy being married and travel a lot. I wouldn't change a thing.

I don't think you'll ever be 100% ready. I have a month to go before I deliver and we're still not 100% ready!
 
Unless you''ve already been living together for awhile, I don''t think being newlyweds for the next 12 months is a bad idea. There are a lot of adjustments to marriage/living with another person and it might be nice to have that year to make them without the added changes of being pregnant.

Some women have breezy pregnancies, but some don''t. Have some fun as newlyweds. You can always get jiggy with it when you''re 31
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I think it is completely a personal decision, as having a child is widely based on your personal relationship and finances and no one can fully or acurately judge that for you.

I always wanted to wait one year prior to getting pregnant, because I wanted time to enjoy being a newly wed without the stress of having a baby on the way. And, to be honest, I loved having the year to ourselves. We were able to travel, invest in our home, and spend quality time just adjusting to being Mr. and Mrs. However, we really want a baby now, and its proving harder than anticipated. Had I know this, I may have started trying sooner...because, like you, my husband is almost 30.

Whatever you do, or decide, I wish you the best!
 
Its truely a personal decision that no one but you and your fiance can make. me and dh conceived on our hm and couldn''t have been happier...especially now that trying for #2 is taking longer than we expected. we got married at 30.
 
I would if I were in your position. The first year of marriage can be very rocky as you get used to being married. One year is not that long to wait to make sure that you first enjoy all of the fun things about being married and get into the groove of things while laying the solid foundation for children.
 
How long have you two been together?
 
As everyone else has said, it totally depends on your own preferences and situation.

We decided to wait to go off the pill until we''d been married a year; we didn''t actively start trying to conceive until 6 months beyond that, though. For us, we wanted to save for a house during our first year, we''d not lived together prior to marriage and wanted to take time to be just the two of us, living day-to-day lives, and planning for where we want to be. That sort of thing. I think that priorities are different for couples who have already had that day to day time together.

We got married when I was 27 and Paul was 29. Prior to marriage, we both knew we wanted kids. Paul was slower to get on the TTC bandwagon, but now that he is totally and completely, it''s so great because he has the same desire to be a parent that I have and that makes it all the more clear that now is the time for us to be going for it.

If I was 23, would I be as charged up to be a mommy? I don''t know. I''ve done a lot of what I wanted to do as a single person already in my life, and now the overwhelming desire is to grow a family with my husband. It''s different for everyone and I don''t think age is the key factor for most people.

I wonder if there is a list of 101 Qs to ask yourself before becoming a parent. That would be interesting!!
 
Since Dr. Phil knows everything (or so he thinks), here''s his version of the questions to ask:

Wondering if you''re ready to have a baby? There are many questions that couples need to ask themselves before becoming parents. Ever wonder what your unborn child might want to ask? Dr. Phil provides some questions from the unborn child''s point of view.

What is your motive? Why do you want to have me?

Look at your answers. Are they all about satisfying your needs? Or do they take my needs into account?

Why would I want to be in your family?

Do you want to have me just so that you can give me a job — to save your marriage, make your spouse settle down, or have someone who will love you, etc.? Do you think it''s fair to give me a job before I''m even born?

Does my other parent want me as much as you do? Or am I going to strain the family in a way that will make you regret having me? Will you resent your spouse for having me?

What are your qualifications? Are you mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually stable enough to have me?

Is the family already struggling to provide the emotional and financial needs of the children who are already here? Would I diminish the quality of life for them?
 
Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful responses!

My fiance and I have been together for a little over 2 years (it will be almost 3 years by the time we marry). It doesn''t seem like that long compared to some of the marathon relationships I hear about over in LIW, but I''m not worried that it hasn''t been long enough or that I don''t know him well enough (and he forgets how long it''s been anyway!
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) We''ve been living together now for a few months, which will be a little more than a year by the wedding.

I''ll be going into my 3rd year of law school after we get married, and I probably don''t want to be pregnant during the school year or - worse - when I''m studying for the bar, so it might make more sense to wait awhile. And since we live in a tiny (though bigger than some) NY apartment, we''d need to move somewhere that had a little more room. I''m totally talking myself into postponing motherhood, here...
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It''s scary, though, to watch friends of ours (well, mostly his - they''re older) who have gotten married in the last couple years and have been trying for a long time to get pregnant, with little success. But, that might happen to us even if we started trying right now - I guess there''s just no way to know!

Thanks again for the responses!
BigT
 
I''m 36 and DH is 33, we''ve been together a little over 4 years, have lived together for over 3.5 years and got married 7 weeks ago.

We decided to start TTC in October, but ended up chucking the birth control out the window on our wedding night. I''m now nearly 5 weeks pregnant.

At my age and wanting to have 2 children (with a 4-5 year age gap) I needed to get moving fast. We had also both had full and busy lives before we met and have done plenty together over the last 4 years.

Having lived together for so long, marriage hasn''t meant any big changes for either of us so far - so this will be the big one.

Do I feel ready to be a mother? Nope, I''m terrified of babies, and have no idea what to do with one, how to change it, feed it etc. I''m petrified. But, as I said to my GP, I feel ready to be pregnant, and in 9 months time I will be so desperate not to be pregnant anymore that motherhood will seem very attractive. He laughed and said that was one of the first honest answers he had ever heard!

I think you know what will feel right for you - I would be tempted to say to take the year, purely because you are asking the question - which says quite a lot...
 
I''d finish school first. I don''t think you should just start trying early just b/c there *might* be a problem. cross that bridge when you get there. There are plenty of women who have babies in their 30''s.
 
I guess my and DH and I are of ''advanced age'' too... being 32 and 40 already.
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We''ve kind of decided to wait at least until after our first anniversary, which will be next month. If it were up to me alone I would''ve started sooner.... but in retrospect, I think that waiting a year was a good thing. I got a chance to finish my Masters degree, without any distractions (TTC/being pregnant). Plus, we''ve had a lot of fun just enjoying our time together as a couple and doing fun, silly things.
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You never really get that time alone again - once a baby comes into the picture. So in that respect, I think it''s good to wait and enjoy each other a little bit first, plus focus on alll of things you''d like to do, that may be a little more difficult once you have a baby. All our friends with children also told us to wait a while for the same reasons.

You dont'' even have to wait a year if you don''t want to - some friends suggested at least 3 months, some 6 months, some a year. I guess the important thing is just to have even a little bit of time to enjoy pre-baby married life and focus on yourselves as a unit, before bringing a baby into the picture.
 
WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!
You are young. Advanced age is not at all a worry for you. Enjoy being married for a while. I wish I could have done it. I got married at 39 and pregnant about 7 months later. My husband and I were doing a lot of traveling. Well, we hardly get to go anywhere now. He does. He goes to Paris, Rome, London....
I stay here with my two little rugrats. (Not that I mind). And yes, I got pregnant at the advanced age of 41.

But just take at least a year to enjoy just being married. And try to take any trips you want to take before you get pregnant.
 
I would advise anyone *NOT* to TTC *UNTIL* you are ready to become parents. Maybe of us got preggo on the first go around. I got preggo 5 months after our wedding (6 years of being together) and for us it was perfect (and we were ready). Good luck!
 
Date: 9/15/2008 5:03:27 PM
Author:TheBigT
Hi all,


My fiance and I are getting married in June, 2009, at which time I will be about 30 and he will be well into his mid-30s. We both want at least 2 children and he would ideally like to have them before he''s 40 - and I''m concerned about health risks for the child linked to conceiving at a relatively ''advanced'' age (on the part of both parents).


My inclination is to start TTC pretty soon after we marry, but I''ve heard people recommend being married for at least a year before having children. Anyone agree with this? Disagree? I''d love to hear compelling reasons to wait and not to wait, if anyone''s willing to share.


Also - there are a million lists available for couples preparing to get married (101 questions to ask before you marry; 365 ways to prepare for marriage) - is there a similar sort of list for those preparing to have children? Does anyone have recommendations?



Thank you!!!

BigT
Click to expand...

Firstly, I think there is no ad-hoc ''rule'' about how/when is the best time to wait. I guess that you only being 30 at the time you marry, and your man 35, there is no distinct rush, you could easily afford to wait a year, or probably even two (assuming you both are healthy, fertile people).
However, I can appreciate your anxiousness. I personally married at age 32, with my husband 35, and I just could not wait a SECOND beyond marrying. I threw my BC away one month before the wedding, assuming it would take a while to get my cycle in shape. In fact, I fell pregnant within DAYS and was unknowingly a month pregnant when I walked down the aisle.
This caused me no great distress at any time... in fact I had a wonderful honeymoon, with it gradually dawning on me that I was in fact pregnant, and then a fantastic first pregnancy.
However, when I had my second child in my arms, I DID feel uncertain about my choice to ''rush'' into pregnancy. I felt my marriage was defined by my children. My husband, being a real family guy, doesn''t really dispel that notion. We don''t go anywhere without the children. Usually, this is a pleasure, but sometimes it feels a little confining.
However, I am now pregnant with number three. We are both delighted - my husband is due to turn 40 next Feb - and we feel our timing is/has been great. My feelings of suburban distress have dissipated, completely.
With children / families, you never know what you are going to get, and it would be normal to have some feelings of confinement / regret, at some stages of your parenting, regardless of how happy your marriage is. That''s life, and that''s kids.
Good luck with what you decide! L.
 
Date: 9/16/2008 1:47:53 PM
Author: Pandora II
I'm 36 and DH is 33, we've been together a little over 4 years, have lived together for over 3.5 years and got married 7 weeks ago.

We decided to start TTC in October, but ended up chucking the birth control out the window on our wedding night. I'm now nearly 5 weeks pregnant.

At my age and wanting to have 2 children (with a 4-5 year age gap) I needed to get moving fast. We had also both had full and busy lives before we met and have done plenty together over the last 4 years.

Having lived together for so long, marriage hasn't meant any big changes for either of us so far - so this will be the big one.

Do I feel ready to be a mother? Nope, I'm terrified of babies, and have no idea what to do with one, how to change it, feed it etc. I'm petrified. But, as I said to my GP, I feel ready to be pregnant, and in 9 months time I will be so desperate not to be pregnant anymore that motherhood will seem very attractive. He laughed and said that was one of the first honest answers he had ever heard!

I think you know what will feel right for you - I would be tempted to say to take the year, purely because you are asking the question - which says quite a lot...
Click to expand...
Pandora,

I'm kind of like you in this, only a little different. I'm *so* hyper excited to be a parent, and while I don't know the exact ins and outs of it, I know no one does in the beginning. It's a matter of growing as you learn more and knowing that you'll get it eventually and a matter of knowing you have support around you for the stumbles along the way.

I feel *so* very ready to be a mother, but what I'm terrified of is pregnancy, not babies. I guess because I have experienced being around babies and young children, I feel like I can handle that, but since I've never felt something growing and then errupting out of me, I'm so not sure that I'm ready for that.

The great thing about life is that so many of the biggest blessings in our lifes are things we never experienced before; we learn to deal with them, then to see the blessing in them, then to appreciate and enjoy them.

I cannot wait to be a mother. I think every woman (and man) has to expect there to be fear of the unknown when it comes to becoming a parent. It doesn't mean you won't enjoy being a parent or that you're not ready for it. It just means you take it seriously and know the passion and work it will take and the changes it will make in life.

I also agree with Tacori; if you seriously think you're not ready and won't be ready when the time comes to be a parent, then you should take the time to get to that point. However, if you're just scared, that's not the same as not being ready.
 
Finish school first because the stress of school and being pregnant is too much. You never know if you''ll be one of those that ends up on bed rest for several months. You are young enough to wait a year or so until things are right. Then get crackin'' and don''t wait for too long between them!
 
Date: 9/17/2008 10:33:36 PM
Author: fisherofmengirly

Date: 9/16/2008 1:47:53 PM
Author: Pandora II
I''m 36 and DH is 33, we''ve been together a little over 4 years, have lived together for over 3.5 years and got married 7 weeks ago.

We decided to start TTC in October, but ended up chucking the birth control out the window on our wedding night. I''m now nearly 5 weeks pregnant.

At my age and wanting to have 2 children (with a 4-5 year age gap) I needed to get moving fast. We had also both had full and busy lives before we met and have done plenty together over the last 4 years.

Having lived together for so long, marriage hasn''t meant any big changes for either of us so far - so this will be the big one.

Do I feel ready to be a mother? Nope, I''m terrified of babies, and have no idea what to do with one, how to change it, feed it etc. I''m petrified. But, as I said to my GP, I feel ready to be pregnant, and in 9 months time I will be so desperate not to be pregnant anymore that motherhood will seem very attractive. He laughed and said that was one of the first honest answers he had ever heard!

I think you know what will feel right for you - I would be tempted to say to take the year, purely because you are asking the question - which says quite a lot...
Click to expand...
Pandora,

I''m kind of like you in this, only a little different. I''m *so* hyper excited to be a parent, and while I don''t know the exact ins and outs of it, I know no one does in the beginning. It''s a matter of growing as you learn more and knowing that you''ll get it eventually and a matter of knowing you have support around you for the stumbles along the way.

I feel *so* very ready to be a mother, but what I''m terrified of is pregnancy, not babies. I guess because I have experienced being around babies and young children, I feel like I can handle that, but since I''ve never felt something growing and then errupting out of me, I''m so not sure that I''m ready for that.

The great thing about life is that so many of the biggest blessings in our lifes are things we never experienced before; we learn to deal with them, then to see the blessing in them, then to appreciate and enjoy them.

I cannot wait to be a mother. I think every woman (and man) has to expect there to be fear of the unknown when it comes to becoming a parent. It doesn''t mean you won''t enjoy being a parent or that you''re not ready for it. It just means you take it seriously and know the passion and work it will take and the changes it will make in life.

I also agree with Tacori; if you seriously think you''re not ready and won''t be ready when the time comes to be a parent, then you should take the time to get to that point. However, if you''re just scared, that''s not the same as not being ready.
Click to expand...
Wasn''t sure if that part was for me or the OP - if it''s for me, it''s a bit late!
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I think age has A LOT to do with how soon you start trying. For me personally, we will TRY to wait at least 2-3 years because I will only be 24 when my fiance and I get married. I still have a lot of traveling I want to do and I want more time to be a little selfish. I might even want to wait a little longer but my fiance is 29 and doesn''t want to be an "old dad"(comprise, right?)

Now if I were 30, I might wait about a year, life before children is something you never get back! If I were 35, hell I''ve lived enough life, I would start trying on my honeymoon!

I agree with Independent Gal, you are never completely "ready", so focus on how long you want it to be just the two of you!
 
Thanks again for all your responses!

I guess for me it''s not that I don''t feel ready (or ready as I''ll ever be), but more concern over the fact that many people have advised us to wait at least year first (people who didn''t do so, and I assume regret that). Certainly there''s no magical amount of time to wait, if at all - I''ve just run into several couples who seem to regret having given up their lives without kids too soon.

I suppose it''s an impossible question to answer, really, given what a personal choice this is and how much really is out of our control. Anyway, I''m happy to wait for now and see how I feel in 9 months (when we''re married).
 
Pandora,

haha.. that was just a general comment, not meant for anyone.
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