Do you loan money?

[Amber St. Clare]

My nieghbor came over earlier and wanted to borrow $50. until the 15th. She said all her cards are maxed and she's hit their limit with the overdraft protection a the bank. She said she needed gas money. She and her husband are both professionals. We have a friendly relationship, but I really wouldn't call us good friends.

I reminded her that I was out of work going over 2 years. She said that obviously my husband was doing ok. I told her I couldn't give her any money. She spied three winning lottery tickets {totalling a whopping $15!} and asked me if she could have those. I let her, but I am really annoyed with her for putting me in a position like that. When I calm down I'll probably call her, but right now I am po'd. I make it a habit of GIVING money if the occasion calls for it, with absolutely NO expectation of getting it back, but I didn't feel so inclined.

Do you give loans?

 

[elrohwen]

In general, no. If I'm going to give somebody money, I don't expect for it to be repaid whether it's $5 or $500. It's nice when people do remember to pay me back, but I don't expect it.

 

[zoebartlett]

Wow, you're neighbor's BOLD, huh? I don't make a habit of loaning money to friends, but if it's for a $10 lunch or something, I don't mind at all. A coworker friend of mine didn't have $ with her at the time to go out for lunch but other friends and I wanted her to come along, so I spotted her. I have no problem with that. Loaning an acquaintance money, however, no, I wouldn't do that.

My husband had a friend who he loaned a fairly good amount of $ to, and his "friend" never paid him back. For YEARS, I had asked my husband to remind his friend about the loan. He kept saying he felt bad because it would be an awkward conversation. His friend needed the money more than my husband did at the time. He never had the conversation, so now we're out that $. Drives me nuts.

 

[soocool]

Only to immediate family. My sister and I went shopping and she forgot her wallet. I paid for her purchases and she paid me as soon as my cc bill came. I told her no need to give me money until then. No only did she pay me back she also bought me lunch next time we went out.

To others no way.

 

[Nashville]

Oh my word, she seriously came over and asked you for money and then wanted to swipe your lottery tickets?! Does she not have family members or friends she can ask?

No, I don't lend money. I'll give it, or treat a friend to dinner/movie (I'll get you this time, you can get me next time etc.) but lending money opens a whole can of worms I'm not interested in. If I ever needed money I always asked my parents, NEVER a friend and certainly not a neighbor! The only scenario I can see asking anyone but family for money is if my daughter was literally starving and it was my last option on earth.

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh your neighbor has nerve..

I don't loan as a rule, I give. I help out when I can, but also say flat out NO when I cant'. I have been paid back, but never expected it..

I am not a bank, LOL!!

 

[perry]

Out with a friend and they need a few bucks on the spot... sure.

Someone at work needs money for the vending machine... sure.

A family member needs $$$$ for a major purchase or other reasons.... sure (with a signed loan agreement - and I've done this several times). I was the family banker for many years.

My neighbor (in general).... I'd have to talk about it. Not saying no; but not the most likely either.

The situation you describe.... Probably not unless I knew a lot about them and I knew they were good for it.

I'm more likely to give away up to several hundred dollars (and I've done up to $500) on the spot for some good reason.

Perry

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Out with a friend and they need a few bucks on the spot... sure.

Someone at work needs money for the vending machine... sure.

A family member needs $$$$ for a major purchase or other reasons.... sure (with a signed loan agreement - and I've done this several times). I was the family banker for many years.

My neighbor (in general).... I'd have to talk about it. Not saying no; but not the most likely either.

The situation you describe.... Probably not unless I knew a lot about them and I knew they were good for it.

I'm more likely to give away up to several hundred dollars (and I've done up to $500) on the spot for some good reason.

Perry

When I was working a friend of mine was having terrible financial problems along with a sick husband who couldn't work. I gave her $500. with the understanding it was a gift, I didn't want her to pay me back, and I didn't want her to tell anyone. But my neighbor just rubbed me the wrong way when she assumed I'd just hand her some money. And yes, is VERY nervy--she once told me that the only reason she hadn't "jumped my son's bones" was because he WAS MY SON. YIKES..talk about TMI!

 

[Lulie]

Oh your neighbor has nerve..

I
No as a rule, very easy for me to say NO lately. I don't expect family and close ones to pay back but...it gets old fast.

 

[missydebby]

In general, no. If I'm going to give somebody money, I don't expect for it to be repaid whether it's $5 or $500. It's nice when people do remember to pay me back, but I don't expect it.

me, too. I never loan money I expect to get back

 

[iota15]

Like Perry, I'm probably generous to a fault. If I Give or Loan money, or spot money for a lunch or whatever, I don't expect it back... but of course, I have to feel like (a) there's a really good reason you need it, that (b) I actually have the money to lose, which isn't always or even likely the case, and that (c) the other person has no sense of entitlement to the money and this is not out of obligation (barring true monetary needs by family members).

I'm sorry but when I'm being generous (even if you phrase it in the form of a "loan"), it's still money that I can't use for at least a substantial period of time (if I ever get it back at all). I want to feel generous, not like I'm giving money because you feel entitled to it, or feel I am obligated to give it to you because you asked, or I have enough or whatever. No - feeling generous is the reward I get for giving you money; feeling obligated to give you money detracts from any pleasure I have in giving (and I lose out on the money!). Moreover, the last thing I want to do is pay for the displeasure of feeling taken advantaged of.

I've been rubbed the wrong way before when someone approaches me for whatever (violating requisite (c) from the bank of iota) - and the door is slammed shut (not literally) but they are not getting one red penny from me. I used to treat several people to lunches or dinners because they were hard up for cash due to unemployment or whatever. I used to enjoy the meal with a good friend, and they weren't very expensive meals but I felt appreciated as well. Once some of these people started to feel entitled to these meals, even after finding a good job, or started ordering crazy extras because they thought (key word being "thought") I would pay for it, all freebies STOPPED (we're splitting the bill, or we can both sit and stare at the bill until YOU crack... because I know I won't).

No one should be saying to you, Amber, well, it looks like your family gets along well enough, why can't you just give me some? Nuh-uh. It's time for you to go now... and I think you're even more pissed off at yourself because your neighbour slipped through the door with some of your money in hand. Lesson learned - she should be person non grata on your property from now on, or if you'd like to keep the relationship, it will be made clear that in the future (whether by your actions or your words), no more money will be forthcoming. The Bank of Amber is closed... and she owes you $15.

 

[zhuzhu]

I do it if someone forgot his/her wallet for food or something. But not for "general purpose" or if someone made stupid mistakes and got themselves in a situation like that of your neighbor.

I refuse to become an enabler for irresponsible behavior!

 

[Mara]

for lunches or small amts or whatever, sure all the time-- esp with coworkers. i also don't keep track of that stuff because i know one day i'll be doing the same thing (i never have cash on me) if i want that $2 bubble tea or whatever-it helps to know i can call in that favor!

but for larger amts, definitely not. if it's not an amt i am comfortable never seeing again then i wouldn't do it. and especially not to family--talk about a recipe for disaster. it doesn't matter whether or not you are able to do it--if you don't want to.

don't be guilted again by this woman. as for seeing your lotto tickets and asking for those, what the heck! who does that.

 

[atroop711]

I would only lend to my immediate family and wouldn't expect it back. I would NOT lend money to my husband's siblings (he won't either) because they only call when they needs something and are moochers.

I've loaned money to friends (nothing over $20) and with something like this I don't expect to see it back but have always been repaid.

 

[Dancing Fire]

in the past i've loan large amount to different friends and most of those money are "gone with the wind" nowadays i only loan to the very few people i trust.

 

[movie zombie]

like others, it depends. in this instance, no.

be prepared as she'll be back......personally, i wouldn't let her in the house: who knows what she'll see next and decide you should give it to her.

MoZo

 

[Hest88]

Only to people I trust to repay me, and, like others, only in amounts I can afford to miss if never paid back.

In your case, though, I definitely wouldn't do it. It sounds like she's the type who would always be hitting you up for money, which would make for an even more uncomfortable neighbor relationship.

 

[kenny]

She spied three winning lottery tickets {totalling a whopping $15!} and asked me if she could have those. I let her, but I am really annoyed with her for putting me in a position like that.

Whoa!
Don't blame her.
She didn't "put you in a position".
You did it to yourself when you "let her" have the tickets.

Next time if you mean no, say no.

This is the zillionth post where someone behaves in a faux-nice way because they feel they have no choice.
Actually the nicest thing you could have done is say no.
Enabling her bad behavior perpetuates it and gets you upset.

No, I don't lend money.
I'm too nice.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Kenny--you are absolutely right. I let her manipulate me. But I won't any more.

 

[starryeyed]

Kenny--you are absolutely right. I let her manipulate me. But I won't any more.

So will you ask her for the money back after the 15th?

If her cc's are maxed out, it sounds like she could have a problem. If you expect to get paid back, you may want to ask her what happens on the 15th, and then just show up at her door the evening of the 15th, saying you really need the money.

Is she the type of neighbor who would try to make it up to you another way? Rake your leaves, shovel your driveway, help with a dog when you go on vacation etc.? Or do you feel like she conned you? Your $15 may be gone - you have to be prepared for that.

 

[iota15]

The $15 is gone... I would just use the outstanding $15 as an excuse anytime she wants to borrow more money. Of course, it doesn't matter what she says, or even if she does give you back the $15, no more money will be forthcoming - just a polite, no - no thank you, I would not like to lend you anymore money. Oh, and my son is definitely off limits as well. Have a nice day!

 

[Sabine]

Wow. I've never been asked for a loan, and I've never been in the situation where I need to ask for a loan (well, besides the kind of occasion where I'm out with a friend and we need cash for something and one of us only has credit/debit cards, so one of us lends the other cash to be paid back after we get to an ATM kinda thing). But I think it's the kind of thing I'd avoid at all costs unless it was a really specific kind of situation. In the case of your neighbor, no, I would not want to loan her money. Like you, if I felt it was a situation where there was real need or my place to be generous, I'd gift it, but this doesn't sound like that kind of situation.

 

[Circe]

I loan largish sums of money to friends, knowing that they're good people who'll repay me when/if they can ... and knowing the sums of money aren't big enough for me to mind if "when" never comes. The biggest one outstanding right now is around $500 to my oldest friend, and I hope to hell she isn't stressing about it.

I'd float a $10 or a $20 to a coworker or a casual acquaintance, no problem: more than that, or repeatedly, no. And the situation you described, Amber? Oh hell no. Your neighbor is pushy enough to be slightly nervous-making. I wouldn't expect to see that money again ... but as somebody upthread said, just use that as a reason not to ever loan her anything else again, a la, "Sorry, dude, you still owe me $15."

P.S. - I know it's easy to be guilted into things in the way of, "Well, you're obviously doing okay." And if you are, good for you: it doesn't mean you owe a pushy stranger jack. Perhaps go with something like, "Yeah, by budgeting! Sorry, Neighbor X - let's clip coupons together."

 

[Cehrabehra]

Best 15 bucks you ever spent. Isn't that how the saying goes? Yeah it's your responsibility to say no but she is a flake at best. Definitely rude! Screw her! Maybe she has a drug addiction or gambling problem or maybe she needs a hotel room for an affair with another neighbors son lol I do t like her!

I hate to lend, prefer to give. I did ask a neighbor to loan me about 200 a couple months ago but this is china and there are strange circumstances that I'd explain if I wasn't typing on my iPhone lol in the situation I was in I would have leant to her too. There is a lot to be said for HOW things are done and why. There is a differnce to me between not having the money and not having it on your body.

 

[Anastasia]

Out with a friend and they need a few bucks on the spot... sure.

Someone at work needs money for the vending machine... sure.

A family member needs $$$$ for a major purchase or other reasons.... sure (with a signed loan agreement - and I've done this several times). I was the family banker for many years.

My neighbor (in general).... I'd have to talk about it. Not saying no; but not the most likely either.

The situation you describe.... Probably not unless I knew a lot about them and I knew they were good for it.

I'm more likely to give away up to several hundred dollars (and I've done up to $500) on the spot for some good reason.

Perry

When I was working a friend of mine was having terrible financial problems along with a sick husband who couldn't work. I gave her $500. with the understanding it was a gift, I didn't want her to pay me back, and I didn't want her to tell anyone. But my neighbor just rubbed me the wrong way when she assumed I'd just hand her some money. And yes, is VERY nervy--she once told me that the only reason she hadn't "jumped my son's bones" was because he WAS MY SON. YIKES..talk about TMI!

EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

 

[Haven]

Wow, I can't believe your neighbor.

To answer your question, no, I do not loan money to anyone. Ever. I also don't give money to people at the vending machine, or for whatever other reason they ask. It's very easy to say no, so that's what I do. I was at the movies with some friends a couple weeks ago and a teen walked up and said "Hey ladies, can I borrow a dollar?" As my friends opened their purses I said "No" to him, and told my friends to close their purses. We don't need to fund some strange teenager's candy splurge at the movies. Sorry.

In the past I've had students who came from impoverished families who couldn't feed them breakfast, so I've provided daily breakfasts for them. But I've never given them money.

Otherwise, there's no money being handed out by the Bank of Haven. I give anonymously to charities that I believe in, and that's it.

I also never ask to borrow money from anyone.

ETA: I just read your post about what your neighbor said about your son. Um, I wouldn't let her in my house after that comment. I'm not exaggerating.

 

[anitabee]

She spied three winning lottery tickets {totalling a whopping $15!} and asked me if she could have those. I let her, but I am really annoyed with her for putting me in a position like that.

Whoa!
Don't blame her.
She didn't "put you in a position".You did it to yourself when you "let her" have the tickets.

Next time if you mean no, say no.

This is the zillionth post where someone behaves in a faux-nice way because they feel they have no choice.
Actually the nicest thing you could have done is say no.
Enabling her bad behavior perpetuates it and gets you upset.

No, I don't lend money.
I'm too nice.

uh, yeah she DID put her in a position. she came over to her house, uninvited, and forced her to make a decision on the spot. that would definitely be considered a "position" and i thoroughly hate when people do crap like that to me. she had every right to be irritated.

how awkward! i agree that she could've said no to the tix but still, when people put you on the spot decisions are harder to be made. hindsight is always 20/20. it was the behavior of the OTHER person that was inappropriate to begin with.

it sounds like she's got some sort of addiction, no joke. who else is that desperate for money? gambling, perhaps?

 

[Dreamer_D]

Nope. Not under any circumstances at this point in our life. If a family member needed money and we thought that it was a good thing for us to help them, and we could, then I would only give the money if we could afford to give it as a gift.

ETA I don't consider things under $20 to be loans.

 

[Indylady]

My nieghbor came over earlier and wanted to borrow $50. until the 15th. She said all her cards are maxed and she's hit their limit with the overdraft protection a the bank. She said she needed gas money. She and her husband are both professionals. We have a friendly relationship, but I really wouldn't call us good friends.

I reminded her that I was out of work going over 2 years. She said that obviously my husband was doing ok. I told her I couldn't give her any money. She spied three winning lottery tickets {totalling a whopping $15!} and asked me if she could have those. I let her, but I am really annoyed with her for putting me in a position like that. When I calm down I'll probably call her, but right now I am po'd. I make it a habit of GIVING money if the occasion calls for it, with absolutely NO expectation of getting it back, but I didn't feel so inclined.

Do you give loans?

Am I the only one that finds this a little fishy? Such urgency, for gas money? I wonder if she has other issues..

 

[Haven]

She spied three winning lottery tickets {totalling a whopping $15!} and asked me if she could have those. I let her, but I am really annoyed with her for putting me in a position like that.

Whoa!
Don't blame her.
She didn't "put you in a position".You did it to yourself when you "let her" have the tickets.

Next time if you mean no, say no.

This is the zillionth post where someone behaves in a faux-nice way because they feel they have no choice.
Actually the nicest thing you could have done is say no.
Enabling her bad behavior perpetuates it and gets you upset.

No, I don't lend money.
I'm too nice.

uh, yeah she DID put her in a position. she came over to her house, uninvited, and forced her to make a decision on the spot. that would definitely be considered a "position" and i thoroughly hate when people do crap like that to me. she had every right to be irritated.

how awkward! i agree that she could've said no to the tix but still, when people put you on the spot decisions are harder to be made. hindsight is always 20/20. it was the behavior of the OTHER person that was inappropriate to begin with.

it sounds like she's got some sort of addiction, no joke. who else is that desperate for money? gambling, perhaps?

I disagree that the neighbor put Amber in a bad position. We decide whether or not to allow people to corner us into making decisions that we don't *truly* want to make. There are many people who, in the same situation, wouldn't have given her a thing, tickets included. I would not have felt obligated or put in some position because this neighbor is a crazy person who feels entitled to MY things. I would have just firmly told her "No" and if she persisted, I would have made her leave my home. Easy peasy. (However, I don't think anyone would ever approach me like this in the first place, because I just don't send out the kind of vibe that invites this type of request.)

NOW, that's not to say that this neighbor wasn't inappropriate, or that Amber had no right to be irritated. Rather, I think Kenny's sentiment could be very useful for Amber if she really considers it, and it appears that she did by her response to him. I think Kenny's post is a great example of how we can really help each other become a bit more self aware, even if it's hard to hear it, by being honest about our perspectives on certain situations. If everyone just responded by saying "How awful! What a horrible neighbor!" but nobody said anything to help Amber stop and think about whether she has any role in how this situation played out, then we're just enabling her to be in the same exact situation again in the future. Now that Kenny made light of the fact that Amber DID have a choice, and that she did not have to ALLOW herself to be backed into a corner, then perhaps he will help her stand up for herself in the future.

Sometimes our best friends aren't the ones who agree and say "there, there," but rather the ones who help us see the truth. I know the PS community is a very nicey nice place and we don't often like the people who have much to say beyond "Oh my gosh, I completely agree with you and I'm SOOOOOO sorry you had to go through that!" but really, Kenny's way is much more productive and helpful.