Do you listen to your head or your heart?

[Magpie09]

Do these sometimes give conflictiong answers? For example i know many ladies here have been with their bfs for years and with books such as he''s just not that into you and friends saying if he wanted to marry you he would have proposed already do you ever know in your heart that you love your guy and that he''s the one you want to be with but on the other hand also think about what the book suggests? I know many factors come into the marriage decision- finances, schooling, being ready, etc.

I guess i usually think with my heart unless i end up in a no-good relationship and my head overrides, yelling abort abort. But there''s still that time where your heart said that he could change, things could get better.

So do you listen to your head or your heart? Or both?

M

 

[Erin]

My boyfriend and I are in the same dilema. He is divorced with two children and I am a first time everything. His perfect life scenario would be to not have any more children, but he knows that decision has a price - losing us. His head says no, I can''t do it, I don''t want to do it, no more crying and diapers and money and time. His heart says he loves me, he would love a life with me, he would love the child the same as his two other children, and he would be happy.

 

[purselover]

I think the vast majority of the time you should think with your head, if he hasn''t proposed b/c of school, or money or another legitimate reason that''s one thing, but b/c of a vague "not being ready" I''d probably run for it no matter how in love I was.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Mostly, I listen to my head. And you know what? I look back now, and listening to my head has gotten me out of some really bad relationships. I was blind to the fact that the guy really just wasn''t right for me, because at the time, I was always too caught up in it.
He''s just not that into you is such a true book. Sad and painful, but true. And eventually, empowering.

 

[elation]

My head and heart always seem to like conflicting.. but I think ultimately the heart is only giving a feeling whereas your head gives your chosen commitment. I''m sure you could always find someone who is that much smarter, or better looking, or funnier, or has more chemistry with you, but even if your heart enjoys spending time with them your head''s gotta be logical and know that they are only 20%.

Heard of that 80/20 rule from Tyler Perry''s movie?

The rule says that you get about 80% of what you need from your mate. Sometimes we meet someone who has that other 20% that we''re not getting and the 20 looks real good, but if you trade it for the 80, then you''ll really see how good you had it.

Howeverr... I think that is mainly applicable to married/engaged couples. In early dating, it''s just really hard to know.

 

[CurlySue]

Hmmm... I''ve always gone with my gut, which (in my case) tends to be a combination of my head and my heart. So far, it''s rarely been wrong.

 

[Magpie09]

Thanks for the insight ladies

Elation- I think that quote hit the nail on the head. The question though can be which one is the 80% and which is the 20%? What if the other person is the 80% and you don''t know it? I guess this is where the heart comes in because otherwise you can analyse both options to death.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 6/30/2009 7:48:27 AM
Author:Magpie09
Do these sometimes give conflictiong answers? For example i know many ladies here have been with their bfs for years and with books such as he''s just not that into you and friends saying if he wanted to marry you he would have proposed already do you ever know in your heart that you love your guy and that he''s the one you want to be with but on the other hand also think about what the book suggests? I know many factors come into the marriage decision- finances, schooling, being ready, etc.

I guess i usually think with my heart unless i end up in a no-good relationship and my head overrides, yelling abort abort. But there''s still that time where your heart said that he could change, things could get better.

So do you listen to your head or your heart? Or both?

M

Both- my heart usually ALWAYS wins, but i have to give myself some "head" guildlines. honestly i think a lot of those books/movies are crap. except for the point where ginnefer goodwin''s character says "we are the rules, other people are the exception" (from he;s just not into you). Well, thats true with movies. its always an execption.
i would say, family and friends can lend better advice than a book, and only you will be able to give the final answer.

regarding the highlighted part - i think that is where our head REALLY needs to come into play over our heart. Sure, people grow over time, but change is another thing, especially depending on the "change" needed.

 

[Tuckins1]

I would say in general, I listen to my head... I know that I may get caught up in emotions sometimes and I try to be rational about things.... Of course there are times that I have to follow my heart, for instance- like choosing a career (special education). I try to balance both!!

 

[elation]

Hearts are fickle. I guess you know at some point that you''re going to have to decide on who''s going to be the 80% and from then on commit to the 80%. But to decide that............ like everyone says, use both!

..

And even when you do decide, would you wonder if maybe there''s a 90%?
Haha terrible. For me I listened to my heart, and then broke up with him for a week before listening to my heart again. Now it''s all in my head because a 20% just walked into my life.

 

[princesss]

Both. I've been with my guy 4.5 years. It'll be another 4 or 5 years before we get married, and I'm sure I'll get a few "he's not that into you" comments before then. But the facts are we were young when we met (1, we have a lot we want to accomplish (grad school), and we're both just plain not ready. We know when we are ready, we'll get married. But my head says that we've built a lot together, and I feel stronger and more confident because of that. He understands me and accepts me and believes in me and trusts me, and I understand, accept, believe in, and trust him.

My head says we want similar things out of life, we have shared goals and values, and well-matched personalities. We balance and enhance each other.

And my heart says that it's pretty much not willing to go on without him if it has any choice in the matter. So it's settled.

ETA: I think a big warning sign that a relationship is heading towards a dead end is when your head and your heart don't agree.

 

[TravelingGal]

God gave me a brain. It would be a travesty not to use it.

What''s in your head gets wiser, usually from the lessons learned when the heart led you to muck up your life. The heart is impulses, urges, feelings. The head is what sets us apart as human beings.

I''m not negating the heart...it is important to be in check with how you feel. But show me a woman who always follows her heart and I''ll show you a basket case.

btw, your "gut" is your head, not your heart.

 

[LilyKat]

Head, always. Once my head has done a thorough vetting process, I let my heart get involved.

 

[Bia]

I listen to both. My head is the more logical, BUT, I shouldn''t downplay how right-on my heart is. My gut is usually right, so maybe I should listen to my heart more.

 

[trillionaire]

I listen to my head. As a consequence, I have had easy and non dramatic relationships which have been great and I have no regrets. Some of my friends either follow their hearts, or their brains are malfunctioning...

Also, it is helpful to pay attention to your friends and families impressions of your SO. Those are the people that want the best for you and want you to be happy. If they don''t like your guy, or have reservations, there is probably GOOD reason. It sometimes takes quite a bit of maturity to acknowledge that...

 

[princesss]

Date: 6/30/2009 4:31:35 PM
Author: trillionaire

I listen to my head. As a consequence, I have had easy and non dramatic relationships which have been great and I have no regrets. Some of my friends either follow their hearts, or their brains are malfunctioning...

Also, it is helpful to pay attention to your friends and families impressions of your SO. Those are the people that want the best for you and want you to be happy. If they don''t like your guy, or have reservations, there is probably GOOD reason. It sometimes takes quite a bit of maturity to acknowledge that...

I remember reading somewhere (but I don''t remember where) that close family and friends are better predictors of a couple''s staying power than the couple themselves. When you''re in the relationship you''re kind of blinded, and the people on the outside have a much clearer view of things.

 

[Magpie09]

Hmm maybe you need both to make decisions otherwise you just argue yourself into circles and sometimes you need to disregard what your head is saying (for the little things at least) because there are some things that can''t be rationalised (like gut instinct).

Trillionaire & Princesss- My parents love my bf and same goes the other way around I agree if my parents had reservations about a guy i was seeing i would seriously consider their opinions but not make a complete decision based on that because no one really knows what''s going on in a relationship other than the people in it, jmo.

 

[radiantquest]

to be honest with you i think that my heart controls my head. which is a dangerous thing. usually my heart will lead my actions. it is only when my heart is unhappy do i have negative thoughts.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 6/30/2009 9:29:33 AM
Author: CurlySue
Hmmm... I''ve always gone with my gut, which (in my case) tends to be a combination of my head and my heart. So far, it''s rarely been wrong.

Ditto.

 

[4ever]

I''m very logical and sensible with my desision making. I listen to my head more, FF listens to his heart.

I had to learn to deside with my heart and couldn''t be more happy that I did. Logically, FF and I should have given up trying to be together years ago, he lived too far away, we met in an uncoventional way which I felt people wouldn''t approve of and there was a significant age difference. He convinced me to follow my heart just this once and I''m gald I did because I love him and I love the life we have together.

 

[Squirrly]

depends on the situation. school/job wise, and for a lot of tactical problems, my head wins.

love, friendship, life in general- my heart leads the way. yes i''ve done plenty of stupid things because of it, but the decisions i made, i made fully and completely and honestly have no regrets other than not getting out of things sooner, but getting out of love is always harder than getting into it in the first place (at least for me) i seem to have adopted a "you only live once so if you''re going to do something you''d better jump on in" mentality. exceptions being things like roller coasters, bungee jumping, skydiving... things that physically involve jumping off/out of something

if i had listened to my head i never would''ve given a relationship with a guy i''d only seen for less than 20 hours over 4 days who i wouldn''t see again for nine months a chance. actually i tried listening to my head. my heart kidnapped it, bound and gagged it and locked it in a closet. that was fun

 

[Dannielle]

Date: 6/30/2009 4:51:55 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 6/30/2009 4:31:35 PM
Author: trillionaire

I listen to my head. As a consequence, I have had easy and non dramatic relationships which have been great and I have no regrets. Some of my friends either follow their hearts, or their brains are malfunctioning...

Also, it is helpful to pay attention to your friends and families impressions of your SO. Those are the people that want the best for you and want you to be happy. If they don''t like your guy, or have reservations, there is probably GOOD reason. It sometimes takes quite a bit of maturity to acknowledge that...

I remember reading somewhere (but I don''t remember where) that close family and friends are better predictors of a couple''s staying power than the couple themselves. When you''re in the relationship you''re kind of blinded, and the people on the outside have a much clearer view of things.

I totally agree with this.

My FI and I are both quite young and knowing that both our families and friends are 100% behind us makes me totally confident in our decision to get married. I know that they wouldn''t just smile and nod along if we were making a big mistake.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Listening to my heart in the past has caused me way too many problems, so now I listen to my head.

 

[honey22]

Take it from one who knows - listen to you heart!!!

My FI and I were together for 12 years before we got engaged. I know people thought I was crazy for sticking around, but we had a great relationship, we were just both not ready to get married.

Now we are, and it feels SO RIGHT and I wouldn''t have had it any other way, I promise you that.

You will know in your heart if he''s the man for you. Just because you have been with someone for X years, it doesn''t mean you should be getting married. Every relationship is different. Follow your heart and don''t give up on an amazing relationship just because he hasn''t popped the question. No-one but you knows the answer sweetie!

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 7/1/2009 7:58:55 AM
Author: Dannielle
I totally agree with this.

My FI and I are both quite young and knowing that both our families and friends are 100% behind us makes me totally confident in our decision to get married. I know that they wouldn''t just smile and nod along if we were making a big mistake.

I am so with you on that! My mom''s ''gut feeling'' about people is NEVER wrong, although I would never admit that to her

. She gave my SO her seal of approval and that was good enough for me