Do you keep out of your SO family affairs?

[gregchang35]

example:

one person on the other side is lazy and at a get together, that person does nothing to help. Even gets a drink for herself and not offer to anyone else. She is 22yo, maybe that is gen y???? What do you say? We have mentioned before.. or can you pls get us a drink while we were setting up the table.
On my side is my BIL. he doesnt lift a finger either he attends family get together, eats and drinks and does nothing. ugh! However when we go over to their place, he offers the drinks readily and does the BBQ. I guess he is from the ilk that when invited, the invited does nothing. the host does everything. but still, i think everyone should pitch in to make things easier.

 

[tammy77]

If it's family that I'm comfortable with (as in not distant relatives or the first few times they've been to our home), I just ask them if they could please get XYZ. After a couple of times, they get in the habit and the problem is solved...or they don't. Then I need to decide if it's worth my sanity to ask them every time. It can be pretty simple and straight forward, no need to let it eat at you.

 

[momhappy]

In general, my SO's family affairs are my family affairs because we are married, so I feel fine involving myself in their affairs to some extent. For me, though, it's about choosing your battles. I wouldn't find your example as something that I needed to involve myself in because it's not that important. Sure, it sucks, but to bring it up, would probably sound nit-picky. With those sorts of issues, I would would just let it go.

 

[JewelFreak]

Or at least offer to pitch in. DH's nephew visited from Holland as a teenager & left a trail of empty coke cans everywhere he went. Empty chip bags, etc. Eventually I blew my stack & lectured him like a Dutch uncle (aunt) & he tidied up after that. We're still friends, too!

As bad are guests who insist on helping when told not to. A dinner guest of ours rinsed dishes despite my pleas not to -- slapped my grandmother's Spode bone china plates around like crockery. Chipped one, could've strangled her. Every time I steered her out of the kitchen, she snuck back. It's not help if your hostess wants you to stay outta the kitchen!

--- Laurie

 

[ame]

Depends on the situation.

 

[gregchang35]

If it's family that I'm comfortable with (as in not distant relatives or the first few times they've been to our home), I just ask them if they could please get XYZ. After a couple of times, they get in the habit and the problem is solved...or they don't. Then I need to decide if it's worth my sanity to ask them every time. It can be pretty simple and straight forward, no need to let it eat at you.

yes, that is what i have to do... i must admit, it has taken me a while to 'let it go'. but occasionally, it still irks me...

In general, my SO's family affairs are my family affairs because we are married, so I feel fine involving myself in their affairs to some extent. For me, though, it's about choosing your battles. I wouldn't find your example as something that I needed to involve myself in because it's not that important. Sure, it sucks, but to bring it up, would probably sound nit-picky. With those sorts of issues, I would would just let it go.

Yes- i dont bring it up its all in the head space... but now occupying less head space..

Or at least offer to pitch in. DH's nephew visited from Holland as a teenager & left a trail of empty coke cans everywhere he went. Empty chip bags, etc. Eventually I blew my stack & lectured him like a Dutch uncle (aunt) & he tidied up after that. We're still friends, too!

As bad are guests who insist on helping when told not to. A dinner guest of ours rinsed dishes despite my pleas not to -- slapped my grandmother's Spode bone china plates around like crockery. Chipped one, could've strangled her. Every time I steered her out of the kitchen, she snuck back. It's not help if your hostess wants you to stay outta the kitchen!

--- Laurie

Yes, that would bug me, too.

 

[JulieN]

Different people have different expectations of help. I don't think guests should have to help.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

example:

one person on the other side is lazy and at a get together, that person does nothing to help. Even gets a drink for herself and not offer to anyone else. She is 22yo, maybe that is gen y???? What do you say? We have mentioned before.. or can you pls get us a drink while we were setting up the table.
On my side is my BIL. he doesnt lift a finger either he attends family get together, eats and drinks and does nothing. ugh! However when we go over to their place, he offers the drinks readily and does the BBQ. I guess he is from the ilk that when invited, the invited does nothing. the host does everything. but still, i think everyone should pitch in to make things easier.

This is a major pet peeve of mine. We have a relative who will STAY with us for days, bring kids and do nothing to take care of them or bring food or help prepare. Not only does he not help, if I don't step in, he'll wait till his kids start whining that they're hungry and then fidget about until I make his kids food. I don't mind tending to guests, but for someone to show up empty handed and then just passive aggressively not tend to the kids FOR DAYS, I get mad and yes, I have complained to my dh and other relatives and regardless of all the complaining, he hasn't changed, so I realize he doesn't care. Whenever he goes to other houses, he does the same.

We have some women nearing their mid-twenties and I had hoped that they would start helping out with family events and making the work a more evenly distributed one, but NOPE, they do nothing, as well.

 

[AprilBaby]

We live 1000 miles away from family so no problem!

 

[ruby59]

I have a sister in law who used to be like that. We have a lot of family gatherings at my home because we have a big backyard and a pool. My SIL would see me running in several directions and would not only NOT ask to help but expected me to wait on her.

So the next time she asked for something, like do you have any mustard, I looked her in the eye and firmy said refrigerator, second shelf. Had to do it a few times, but now if she needs something in my home, she gets it herself.

 

[Jennifer W]

I suppose families are all different. I don't host or attend family gatherings very often, but in general terms, I'm uncomfortable with people being over-familiar with my house, especially the kitchen. (Not even sure why.) I wouldn't want people helping at an event unless I'd specifically asked them to do so, for example when I've asked a friend's teenage daughter to help with a party buffet, or to wait table for a dinner party. I would be uncomfortable if someone who didn't live here started looking in the fridge for stuff.

Obviously there's no objective right or wrong, but the very existence of the opposite views in this thread make me feel like, as a guest, I'd have to ask the person hosting what they'd like me to do or not do. In the absence of a straight answer, or if it didn't seem appropriate to ask, I'd err on the side of caution and not presume familiarity in the host's home, however well I knew him.

As to DH's family's affairs - I keep far, far away. They're not my family, not my affairs, and there's nothing positive I can bring to them, so I keep well clear. We all like each other better that way.

 

[kenny]

Yes, 100%.

This is not my SO's family's 'style'.
They all are in each other's business.
They see it as caring and love.
I don't, but no problem, none of my business.

When they gossip and try to drag me into stuff I just say, "I'm not comfortable talking about X and it's really none of my business."
Originally they were astonished, but after 14 years they get it.
Kenny, just doesn't go there.

I have had to put my foot down with my SO, and insist he not discuss with his family private things about our relationship.

 

[zoebartlett]

I think it's polite, as a guest, to offer to help the hosts. They might decline, but at least I've let them know that I'm happy to pitch in. We don't entertain often, but when we do, I tell our guests that they're welcome to help themselves to whatever they'd like, and I show them where things are located.

 

[GliderPoss]

Hmmm I'm of the opinion it depends on the situation:

1. Family over for a meal - everyone pitches in to help
2. Guests over for a meal - hosts do the work
3. Family or guests staying for a few days or more - everyone pitches in to help.

Sometimes its a struggle for people to help even if they would like to! Unfamiliar kitchen /appliances or the host is uncomfortable with them in their space? I swear my MIL must think I'm so lazy but she is very particular about how & what food is cooked, washing & cleaning etc and although I constantly offer to help she constantly "shoos" me out of the way (then makes a big deal of doing it all ). It doesnt help her appliances are from like WW1... I am trying to find other ways to help out though.

 

[Autumnovember]

um, no. I don't get involved in their business at all, ever. I don't have the energy for that and my MIL is the first to speak her thoughts if someone is being lazy and not helping out.

There are 8 kids in SO's family and if we are there for a holiday and MIL is cooking, I always ask if she needs help.

SO used to have his friends over often, they know they can help themselves if they need a drink or something. Sometimes they help themselves TOO much and clean out my entire fridge. Oh well.

 

[missy]

Do you keep out of your SO family affairs?

Yes, as long as their behavior doesn't affect me negatively it's none of my business. All bets off with my family though because we are a sharing feelings type of family unlike my dh's family.

With regards to gregchang's example I know it well unfortunately. My MIL doesn't ask to help out. Ever.Very different than my mother in every way. It bothered me a lot at first because it was like we were her servants when she came over to visit and also she told my mom she's paid her dues and now she's done helping out. Whatever that means. Anyway, I don't sweat it anymore. We just invite her over a lot less.

For the record I think it's only polite to ask to help when you are a guest in someone's home. And I am always happy to do so. I understand people differ but to me, that's just the nice thing to do. And also for the record I usually decline people's offer to help because they are a guest in my home. Taking people up on their offer to help is reserved for family and good friends only.

 

[Polished]

A family do on my SO's side usually involves each family being responsible for one course. My SIL and her husband rarely do it at their place because they live in the country. She will typically do nothing while her husband does all the work involved with their course. What she will do though is go around the house checking on you. I typically get marked on not providing clean hand towels in the bathroom. I've decided that next time she comes, in addition to cleaning the house from top to bottom, there are going to be hand towels dangling from every surface of the bathroom I can think of. My other SIL tends to get hauled over the coals with dirty kitchen cupboard and surfaces admonishments. My SIL lets fly at this with; if you did rowing every morning, worked full time and had three children, you might occasionally forget to wipe surfaces too. We generally arrive to find SIL, of the high domestic standards, outside pacing the garden and this is how we know she's received one of her tickings off.

 

[Rhea]

I generally don't get involved in my own family's affairs, and DH doesn't get involved in his either. In fact, I'm not sure any of us do. Sure, within my birth family we'll grumble a bit, and I'm under the impression that my mother does the same with her birth family (her sisters) but little is ever said out loud. We mostly just shrug our shoulders and move on. It keeps us all sane and mentally balanced not to concern ourselves too much. We get the important updates so that we don't stick our foot in it, but other than that it's been a pretty live and let live situation for the past several years. It does help with neither DH or I are close to our extended families physically or emotionally.

 

[CharmyPoo]

I am of the opinion that we shouldn't get involved and why judge others .... just mind your own business. Parent your owns kids and not others.