Do you ever not wear your diamond out of courtesy?

[kenny]

My partner is from a huge close Latino family.
At gettogethers like Easter we'll see a zillion people in his parent's home.
Zillions of still other relatives drop in during their rounds of the homes of other family members that day.
I think grandma has over 150 descendants.

Many of these wonderful people are farm workers and frankly quite poor.

We were considering not wearing our nice diamonds for the visit.
We do wear them on our ring fingers and, though we are not allowed to marry, do consider them symbolic.
While deeply Catholic, his family is well aware of the relationship and love and accept us.

I can see this both ways.
What do you think?

 

[CJ2008]

That''s nice of you to even think of this...

I probably wouldn''t have thought of it...but if I did...I probably wouldn''t wear it. I might just feel uncomfortable or feel like it may seem as if I am trying to flash wealth.

 

[jewelz617]

No, not really. To be honest, no one I know outside of PS (save for a few older relatives I don''t see much) gives 2 hoots about diamonds. They don''t know enough about them to be impressed and probably think my engagement ring came from Claire''s.

 

[lyra]

I probably wouldn''t wear it in this case. Do you have alternate plain rings? I''d be sensitive to the poorer family members. It''s a tough call. It''s hard to believe that no one would notice those beautiful stones, that''s for sure.

 

[HopeDream]

Do you have plain bands for travel that you could wear instead?

 

[kenny]

We do not have bands.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Because you''re asking this question, Kenny, I think you already know the answer. IMO, getting a simple band for each of you allows you to continue the symbolism without flaunting larger diamonds in the faces of people who are strugggling to survive.

If you are very sentimental, what I would do, is hold a private ceremony (even if just between you and your partner - nothing elaborate - just you guys and a fun location) where you pledge your devotion with the plain bands.

Also, the bands may come in handy if you travel to a location where it may not be safe to wear larger diamonds.

FWIW, my wedding band is a simple band - or may I say simplier. It''s an Art Carved band with flowers on it, so it doesn''t have flash, but isn''t boring either. Mabye find something fun?

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Yeah, there are definitely times when I do this both for safety reasons and for courtesy. I think getting a plain band is a great idea. I wear a plain band with some engraving when I don''t wear my diamonds.

 

[anitabee]

yeah, i think i''d leave them at home. probably the simple fact that they cost more than what some of those people make (or 2 combined!) per year would have me feeling pretty uncomfortable and it would be a visual reminder of the differences.

have a joyous easter! i''m jealous - we don''t have family around here to spend it with. sounds like you''ll have a fabulous day!

 

[yssie]

Having the same qs with travelling to visit my family in India.. have decided to wear a plain band or a tiny eternity, and wear the E-ring on a chain ''round my neck.



When I get my E-ring, that is!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Depends on the family. My cousin and her husband are multi millionaires and I love seeing her gorgeous clothes and purses and I enjoy seeing how well she is doing for herself and her family. I remember when she was struggling and I''m thrilled that she''s where she is now. I feel cheated when she dresses down on a visit.

It''s all about perspective, since she was absolutely stupefied when she saw my maternity gift (she was here when the fedex truck arrived). She checked out the DBL website to pick something for herself, but it was all too expensive.

If they are your symbolic rings, and your family wish you well and maybe even enjoy your successful lives vicariously, wear them. If you think it will cause them discomfort, buy some simple bands to wear while you visit. It''s a judgment call based on the attitude of your hosts.

 

[megumic]

FI and I have discussed this issue before. We''ve decided that unless there is a risk of danger or the ring being stolen, that I''ll wear it. Just because I have a nice diamond engagement ring does not mean we are supremely wealthy or showing off. It just means that we work hard, save our money and spend it how we wish. Just like everyone else who spends their money on seemingly frivolous things. To us, a nice diamond engagement ring was important. Others might prefer a dining room set, down payment on a house, new car, cigarettes, whatever. But we chose a ring and it is a symbol of our commitment, love, dedication and relationship.

I think removing your rings because others are less fortunate or you don''t want them to be jealous or whatever reason, is sort of a misrepresentation of yourself. It''s like, in real life I wear a nice diamond ring. But around you, I''ll be someone else.

 

[Tuckins1]

I understand where the question is coming from, but I say wear them. They are special to you. As long as you aren''t shoving them in people''s faces, talking about how expensive they are, etc... you should be fine.

 

[Kaleigh]

What does your partner think you two should do?? Will your partner feel bad wearing such a big diamond in front of his family?? If not, I say wear them... But can also see being uncomfortable too.. I guess I am not helping much, LOL!!!

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Do you ever meet the family at other times, when you do have the rings on? Personally, if someone close to me removed their engagement rings to visit me, I would think it condescending and rather arrogant.

 

[Circe]

It sounds like it *won''t* make you deeply uncomfortable to not wear your diamonds (after all, you know what your relationship is worth), but like it might have the potential to make family members feel very bad about their earning potential/financial positioning. I say skip the diamonds and get plain bands for the visit ... just because it''s less a case of a positive for you and more a case of a negative for them. It sounds like no one involved in this equation will come out feeling good ....

P.S. - Unless any other family members are diamond nuts who would want to see an Octavia. If I were a cousin, *I* would want to see that baby, no matter what ....

 

[Indylady]

Date: 4/4/2010 1:17:22 PM
Author: MC
Because you''re asking this question, Kenny, I think you already know the answer. IMO, getting a simple band for each of you allows you to continue the symbolism without flaunting larger diamonds in the faces of people who are strugggling to survive.


If you are very sentimental, what I would do, is hold a private ceremony (even if just between you and your partner - nothing elaborate - just you guys and a fun location) where you pledge your devotion with the plain bands.


Also, the bands may come in handy if you travel to a location where it may not be safe to wear larger diamonds.


FWIW, my wedding band is a simple band - or may I say simplier. It''s an Art Carved band with flowers on it, so it doesn''t have flash, but isn''t boring either. Mabye find something fun?

+1. In a situation where others might be critical of my diamonds because they spend their money on other things, I would absolutely wear my rings.

In a situation where I''ll be among individuals who are struggling financially, I wouldn''t. I don''t think its changing yourself or otherwise condescending. I think its simply dressing appropriately and tactfully for the situation. I don''t wear cocktail dresses to class; I don''t wear jeans and t-shirts that I usually live in to cocktail parties. I like to dress so that I won''t make a splash wherever I am. I would be ok substituting a plain band for an engagement ring, because to me, rings are symbolic, and a plain band would convey the message I wanted it to just as effectively as my engagement ring.

 

[studyer83]

I frequently go without, be it family, friends, work, etc.

I don''t always wear a band.

I agree with the others -- if you''re even wondering, there''s no point in hurting feelings (or whatever the undesired outcome would be). But you know the ''fam better than we do!

 

[zoebartlett]

I think it''s sweet for you to consider this, Kenny. I can see both sides of the coin, but ultimately, I''d wear my jewelry because it''s not big or flashy. If I had large, flashy/"showy" pieces, I''d wear something simpler. I think your ring is perfect though, and I''d wear it it I were you. Have you shown us your partner''s ring? I''m sorry but I can''t remember.

 

[snlee]

I''ve never even thought about this. I think it''s very sweet of you to consider this. Since you don''t have plain bands, how about wearing your rings with the diamond turned the other way (your palm side). That way it won''t be noticable but you''re still wearing your rings.

 

[swingirl]

I always think, "When in doubt, don't".

But if you do decide to wear them keep those beautiful stones visible! Once you have on a wedding band the style is irrelevant.

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/4/2010 4:17:05 PM
Author: Lady_Disdain
Do you ever meet the family at other times, when you do have the rings on? Personally, if someone close to me removed their engagement rings to visit me, I would think it condescending and rather arrogant.

I imagine I would take it the same way as Lady Disdain.

I've never not wore my diamond out of courtesy, and trust me, I do pay attention to being courteous to others.

I think in your situation, your partner must have the best idea of how his loved ones would respond to you either a) wearing your diamonds, or b) purposely leaving your diamonds at home for fear of offending them. If he thinks the best option is to leave the rings at home, go for it. If he thinks there's a chance they may be offended by your "dressing down" for their benefit, wear them.

I grew up as the poorest kid in a middle class neighborhood. I was visiting a friend at her home when I was around 12 years old and the friend had just gotten a new bicycle. She asked her mom if we could go for a bike ride so she could show me her new bike (and I would use the old one.) I have a distinct memory of her mother shaking her head with pursed lips at her daughter, and trying to give her the "shut it!" signal with her eyes. When my friend asked again her mom went over to her and whispered something in her ear. The daughter then immediately suggested that we play a board game. I was young, but I knew it was because this mom thought it would be unkind to show the poor little girl her daughter's new bike.

I never went to their house again, and I stopped being friends with this girl shortly after that. I just felt so uncomfortable around her and her family, because I felt like they just saw me as a poor girl and nothing else. I remember being very uncomfortable when people changed their plans because they didn't want to hurt my feelings by showing me things that I didn't have.

I'm not saying your situation is the same, but that's just the way I once took it when someone "dressed down" for me. That wasn't the only thing that happened, but it's the one that sticks out most in my mind.

 

[kenny]

Thanks all for the thoughtful responses.
It was really 50 50, but we ended up wearing them and it was fine.
You can't be inside everyone's head but I got no vibes that anyone was uncomfortable, and a few folks really enjoyed them.
The immediate family had seen them before.

At a very simple level it is nice to just share a beautiful thing.

Zoe, these are our rings.
My partner's, the Octavia, on the bottom.

 

[Scorpioanne]

Date: 4/4/2010 12:28:00 PM
Author:kenny
My partner is from a huge close Latino family.
At gettogethers like Easter we''ll see a zillion people in his parent''s home.
Zillions of still other relatives drop in during their rounds of the homes of other family members that day.
I think grandma has over 150 descendants.

Many of these wonderful people are farm workers and frankly quite poor.

We were considering not wearing our nice diamonds for the visit.
We do wear them on our ring fingers and, though we are not allowed to marry, do consider them symbolic.
While deeply Catholic, his family is well aware of the relationship and love and accept us.

I can see this both ways.
What do you think?

Kenny, you and your partner should take a trip North to Canada and get legally married! It''s one of the things that makes me love my country. We offer marriage to everyone one no matter whom you love, I feel that it is more important that you love!

 

[zoebartlett]

Oops, sorry Kenny! I''ve seen the Octavia a thousand times, but I assumed it was yours.

 

[Tuckins1]

Date: 4/4/2010 6:33:03 PM
Author: Scorpioanne

Date: 4/4/2010 12:28:00 PM

Author:kenny

My partner is from a huge close Latino family.

At gettogethers like Easter we''ll see a zillion people in his parent''s home.

Zillions of still other relatives drop in during their rounds of the homes of other family members that day.

I think grandma has over 150 descendants.


Many of these wonderful people are farm workers and frankly quite poor.


We were considering not wearing our nice diamonds for the visit.

We do wear them on our ring fingers and, though we are not allowed to marry, do consider them symbolic.

While deeply Catholic, his family is well aware of the relationship and love and accept us.


I can see this both ways.

What do you think?

Kenny, you and your partner should take a trip North to Canada and get legally married! It''s one of the things that makes me love my country. We offer marriage to everyone one no matter whom you love, I feel that it is more important that you love!

Off topic of original post- Would the US government acknowledge a gay marriage from another country? We do have some states here that have legalized it, but there is an issue with it being acknowledged in other places aside from that state. Just a question, if anyone knows the answer...

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Kenny, those are beautiful rings and you should wear them with pride.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I also think you''re kind for trying to consider other people''s feelings Kenny- I''m glad you wore them and felt good about it

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 4/4/2010 6:19:47 PM
Author: kenny
Thanks all for the thoughtful responses.
It was really 50 50, but we ended up wearing them and it was fine.
You can''t be inside everyone''s head but I got no vibes that anyone was uncomfortable, and a few folks really enjoyed them.
The immediate family had seen them before.

At a very simple level it is nice to just share a beautiful thing.

Zoe, these are our rings.
My partner''s, the Octavia, on the bottom.

Kenny, glad everything worked out positively.

 

[mrscushion]

I think you''re thinking along the right lines. Only you know the details of his family''s circumstances, but if I were in your shoes, I probably would leave the bling at home.