janinegirly
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do you ever have doubts?
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robbie3982
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sumbride
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Doubts about the wedding? or doubts about "everything"?
Have you read "The Conscious Bride" yet? If not, pick it up. It''s good. And it sounds like it could help you.
I haven''t had any doubts at this point, nor has anything been overly stressful, because I think I''m making the right decisions for me. When I''ve planned things in the past that have been exceptionally hard and stressful, it has been because it wasn''t the way I really wanted to do them. Now that I''m planning the wedding, if I try to make a decision that doesn''t sit right, I re-evaluate. I''m "going with my gut" and things are clicking into place. I do have people willing to listen and help though, and I think that''s one thing you''re missing, based on the posts. I don''t know how to make your FI more interested in the wedding, but I think you need to really talk to him about it before it explodes, which it sounds to me might not be that far off.
Have you read "The Conscious Bride" yet? If not, pick it up. It''s good. And it sounds like it could help you.
I haven''t had any doubts at this point, nor has anything been overly stressful, because I think I''m making the right decisions for me. When I''ve planned things in the past that have been exceptionally hard and stressful, it has been because it wasn''t the way I really wanted to do them. Now that I''m planning the wedding, if I try to make a decision that doesn''t sit right, I re-evaluate. I''m "going with my gut" and things are clicking into place. I do have people willing to listen and help though, and I think that''s one thing you''re missing, based on the posts. I don''t know how to make your FI more interested in the wedding, but I think you need to really talk to him about it before it explodes, which it sounds to me might not be that far off.
candctroll
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janinegirly
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sum-
i did talk to him, last night. which is why i''m in the state i''m in. (let''s just say my eyes are puffy still).
his response is he is not a fan of weddings and was just staying out of my way, and now that i seem so frustrated, it''s making it an issue for him. For HIM.
I meanwhile barely ask his input and have let him be very uninvolved. It has left me feeling very unsupported and then, guilty. And yes, it makes me doubt everything.
i''ve handled the planning okay, everything is on target, within budget, but i feel quite alone sometimes. yesterday when i was upset i asked if he wanted to call it all off and he just said "well how much would that cost."
i''m just quite upset now and don''t know what to do. i''ll snap out of it, but right now, it''s not such a good day.
i did talk to him, last night. which is why i''m in the state i''m in. (let''s just say my eyes are puffy still).
his response is he is not a fan of weddings and was just staying out of my way, and now that i seem so frustrated, it''s making it an issue for him. For HIM.
I meanwhile barely ask his input and have let him be very uninvolved. It has left me feeling very unsupported and then, guilty. And yes, it makes me doubt everything.
i''ve handled the planning okay, everything is on target, within budget, but i feel quite alone sometimes. yesterday when i was upset i asked if he wanted to call it all off and he just said "well how much would that cost."
i''m just quite upset now and don''t know what to do. i''ll snap out of it, but right now, it''s not such a good day.
piccolascimmia
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I hate how much our wedding is projected to cost, and even though I know we can afford it (and probably more than we've decided our budget to be) I hate the idea of spending this much $ on one day. We're currently picking a location, and every day I make a comment about running away to Sandals to do it for at least 1/2 as much as doing a big to-do. And...I have always dreamed of getting married on an island somewhere. Plus...as much as I like the idea of sharing this with a large crowd, I dislike the idea of putting on a big to-do, being in the middle of the attention. I'm just conflicted
It seems like I talk to too many people who say "I wish we had just eloped and saved the money and stress". But maybe I'm just hanging out with stressballs
edited to add...i'm sorry, just read your 2nd post! what a terrible thing for him to say 'how much would that cost'. I hope you work this out!
It seems like I talk to too many people who say "I wish we had just eloped and saved the money and stress". But maybe I'm just hanging out with stressballs
edited to add...i'm sorry, just read your 2nd post! what a terrible thing for him to say 'how much would that cost'. I hope you work this out!
sumbride
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Can I just smack him?
He may not care about the details of the wedding but he needs to care about how you feel. Tell him you need him to listen to you, to support you, and to be there for you when you need to vent or just to cry. And he needs to get a little bit excited about the wedding because it''s when he''ll be marrying YOU!
If you''re threatening to call it off just to get him to react, don''t do that. It will backfire, like the "how much will that cost?" comment. But if you''re really considering it, tell him that and that you need to discuss it.
And may I suggest you have this conversation with a glass of wine or two? In the earlier part of our engagement, and beforehand too, I wouldn''t bring anything up until FI was on his 2nd beer. It helped tremendously!
He may not care about the details of the wedding but he needs to care about how you feel. Tell him you need him to listen to you, to support you, and to be there for you when you need to vent or just to cry. And he needs to get a little bit excited about the wedding because it''s when he''ll be marrying YOU!
If you''re threatening to call it off just to get him to react, don''t do that. It will backfire, like the "how much will that cost?" comment. But if you''re really considering it, tell him that and that you need to discuss it.
And may I suggest you have this conversation with a glass of wine or two? In the earlier part of our engagement, and beforehand too, I wouldn''t bring anything up until FI was on his 2nd beer. It helped tremendously!
Its one thing for your FI to be the (stereo)typical guy and not care about the colors or flowers, its another for him to not care at all about something you are spending a lot of time, energy, and money on, cause this leaves you feeling very unsupported and feeling like your efforts in planning are a big waste.
Sit down and have a chat with him. He needs to be fully on board with the overall concept of the wedding plan or you two need to change it. Even if "fully on board" means that you two jointly decide that you would have done something smaller if you could start over now, but given the deposits and effort and details already arranged it makes sense to carry on with the current plan and enjoy that. He needs to back you up here, even if its just - well, this wedding is important to you, so it is important to me, and we should continue with X plan.
For the other question - yes I have tons of doubts that it is all worth it and whatnot, and its hard to remember some days that I was once excited about assembling all the people important in our lives in one place, and now I'm just stressed about feeding and accommodating them all but... partly I get through this by having FI at my back saying Yes its a lot of money but hopefully this will turn out well. Also useful when he acknowledges my efforts on something or says we should spend something when I care about it but I know he doesn't.
Sit down and have a chat with him. He needs to be fully on board with the overall concept of the wedding plan or you two need to change it. Even if "fully on board" means that you two jointly decide that you would have done something smaller if you could start over now, but given the deposits and effort and details already arranged it makes sense to carry on with the current plan and enjoy that. He needs to back you up here, even if its just - well, this wedding is important to you, so it is important to me, and we should continue with X plan.
For the other question - yes I have tons of doubts that it is all worth it and whatnot, and its hard to remember some days that I was once excited about assembling all the people important in our lives in one place, and now I'm just stressed about feeding and accommodating them all but... partly I get through this by having FI at my back saying Yes its a lot of money but hopefully this will turn out well. Also useful when he acknowledges my efforts on something or says we should spend something when I care about it but I know he doesn't.
diamondfan
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I have to say I think it is pretty normal. This is a major life changing event and so it would seem logical that you would feel some twinges etc. But to me, if you cannot see past the wedding and see a life with him, that is different. You know what is in your heart. Just try to be realistic about what is really getting to you now. Deep breaths, and see if you can take a step back for a couple of days and do something fun!
Aloros
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How much would it cost??
As a person who frequently puts her foot in her mouth, I''d give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn''t mean that the way it sounded. Regardless, he needs to know that was NOT a good thing for him to say, especially the way you''re feeling right now.
Is there any way you can make a list of things that he can do and hand it off to him? Just delegate a little? Yea, so he''s hands off and thinks it''s a waste...there are still TWO people getting married. Surely a little effort wouldn''t kill him. If you find yourself getting super stressed, take a break! Remind yourself why you''re doing this in the first place.
I remember when my friend was planning her wedding, and the things that went wrong (let''s just say the florist got into a car accident on the way to the church...), and she was so mellow about it. She''d shrug her shoulders and say "I don''t care. I just want to get married."
Things will come together, and even if they don''t, it''ll give you a good story to tell your kids!
As a person who frequently puts her foot in her mouth, I''d give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn''t mean that the way it sounded. Regardless, he needs to know that was NOT a good thing for him to say, especially the way you''re feeling right now.
Is there any way you can make a list of things that he can do and hand it off to him? Just delegate a little? Yea, so he''s hands off and thinks it''s a waste...there are still TWO people getting married. Surely a little effort wouldn''t kill him. If you find yourself getting super stressed, take a break! Remind yourself why you''re doing this in the first place.
I remember when my friend was planning her wedding, and the things that went wrong (let''s just say the florist got into a car accident on the way to the church...), and she was so mellow about it. She''d shrug her shoulders and say "I don''t care. I just want to get married."
Things will come together, and even if they don''t, it''ll give you a good story to tell your kids!
janinegirly
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thanks all. at least i know i''m not irrational.
i did lose it a bit yesterday, just felt so alone. and when i was unloading he just didn''t say anything. he seems to think the wedding planning is making me wacky and that no wonder he''s not into it. He doesnt understand that his lack of support or even a helpful ear or comforting word is what makes me unable to hold it all together sometimes.
when we kicked things off with wedding planning a few mo''s ago, he said was okay with whatever i want and he would be supportive even if it wasn''t his style (big traditional wedding). i should say that while it''s traditional, it''s not big. 80 ppl and i''ve been vigiliant about sticking to the budget (it''s being paid for my my ''rents and some contribution from me.). but he still throws things in my face sometimes like "i didn''t want this huge thing." i would never expect him to choose flowers with me, etc., but he blames the wedding for making me "too hyped up" (his words) which makes me feel unsupported, and worse, scared to bring it up to him. I need to know he''s in my corner or where am i supposed to get the strength for all these tasks!?
i think he''s being quite selfish about this. he''s letting me sink and thinks it wasn''t his baby so not his problem. meanwhile its my parents who have all the deposits down. i''d be happy to make it smaller but we are not able to have concrete discussions b/c he can''t communicate with me sometimes. he goes into zombie mode and just looks at the tv. this is incredibly hurtful to me as i feel ignored.
i''m probably revealing too much right now, but just at my wits end. he is normally a great guy, but this is an issue and i''m struggling with how to handle it. Talking it out doesn''t work well b/c he shuts down and it makes me cry and cry. It gives me doubts b/c i worry that when i''m breaking down, he isn''t there for me or not capable of it. ...sorry for the heaviness.
i did lose it a bit yesterday, just felt so alone. and when i was unloading he just didn''t say anything. he seems to think the wedding planning is making me wacky and that no wonder he''s not into it. He doesnt understand that his lack of support or even a helpful ear or comforting word is what makes me unable to hold it all together sometimes.
when we kicked things off with wedding planning a few mo''s ago, he said was okay with whatever i want and he would be supportive even if it wasn''t his style (big traditional wedding). i should say that while it''s traditional, it''s not big. 80 ppl and i''ve been vigiliant about sticking to the budget (it''s being paid for my my ''rents and some contribution from me.). but he still throws things in my face sometimes like "i didn''t want this huge thing." i would never expect him to choose flowers with me, etc., but he blames the wedding for making me "too hyped up" (his words) which makes me feel unsupported, and worse, scared to bring it up to him. I need to know he''s in my corner or where am i supposed to get the strength for all these tasks!?
i think he''s being quite selfish about this. he''s letting me sink and thinks it wasn''t his baby so not his problem. meanwhile its my parents who have all the deposits down. i''d be happy to make it smaller but we are not able to have concrete discussions b/c he can''t communicate with me sometimes. he goes into zombie mode and just looks at the tv. this is incredibly hurtful to me as i feel ignored.
i''m probably revealing too much right now, but just at my wits end. he is normally a great guy, but this is an issue and i''m struggling with how to handle it. Talking it out doesn''t work well b/c he shuts down and it makes me cry and cry. It gives me doubts b/c i worry that when i''m breaking down, he isn''t there for me or not capable of it. ...sorry for the heaviness.
Aloros
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bee*
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that''s terrible janine. I agree that he''s being selfish-even though he''s not into the whole wedding planning, he should be there for you. It would infuriate me if I said to ff about calling it off and all he said was how much would that cost. If he''s normally not like this, than I would give him benefit of the doubt, but it would kind of worry me about things like kids etc and would he be supportive etc if you fell pregnant unplanned. Hope that you get it sorted.
kcoursolle
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eek, I thought this was about doubts about your man....which I do not have.
However, I do have doubts about wedding stuff all the time. I am really cheap by nature (except jewelery) and it seems so excessive to spend many thousands of dollars on one day. However, it will be fun in the end and it was really important to fi that we have a regular wedding. Sorry you are going through some stressful wedding planning.
However, I do have doubts about wedding stuff all the time. I am really cheap by nature (except jewelery) and it seems so excessive to spend many thousands of dollars on one day. However, it will be fun in the end and it was really important to fi that we have a regular wedding. Sorry you are going through some stressful wedding planning.
sumbride
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Planning a wedding is often the first big challenge a couple takes on together, and it definitely shows you where your problems are as far as communication and expectations of each other. But it doesn''t have to be a make or break situation. You can both learn a lot from this experience.
First of, don''t have any important emotional conversations in front of the tv. Or anything you honestly need his opinion about. My FI does the whole zombie thing too and it''s really irritating but I''ve learned to say "hey, can we talk about this right now?" and he will actually turn it down and look at me. Believe me, we had a lot of tears getting to that step, but when I say that, he knows it means I need his full attention and he offers it to me. But I always check first. If he''s not in the mood to listen, I don''t want to start a fight over it, but that''s because I know he WILL listen to me at some point.
You definitely have support here at PS, but you also definitely need support at home. He needs to wake up to that.
First of, don''t have any important emotional conversations in front of the tv. Or anything you honestly need his opinion about. My FI does the whole zombie thing too and it''s really irritating but I''ve learned to say "hey, can we talk about this right now?" and he will actually turn it down and look at me. Believe me, we had a lot of tears getting to that step, but when I say that, he knows it means I need his full attention and he offers it to me. But I always check first. If he''s not in the mood to listen, I don''t want to start a fight over it, but that''s because I know he WILL listen to me at some point.
You definitely have support here at PS, but you also definitely need support at home. He needs to wake up to that.
Um, this is a big deal. This is how he reacts to YOU being stressed about something. He doesn''t take any responsibility for it and blames you for it. You are afraid to talk to him, he is making you feel more alone, isolating you even further. This is NOT adult behavior. At least not good, healthy adult behavior. You NEED to talk to him about it, and if it doesn''t get through, consider counseling. What if one day you take a job that he isn''t thrilled about you taking, and it turns into a nightmare job. Is he going to be there for you or is he going to through it back in your face? "Don''t talk to me about your sucky job, I didn''t want you to take it in the first place." If you can''t go through life feeling like a team, what''s the point here?
ps. its not revealing too much if its something you want support/advice on. there''s no pricescope rule that only happy posts are allowed.
diamondfan
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I do agree that the bigger issue is not specificallly the wedding and the planning of it, but how HE behaves when you are stressed, whatever the reason. He needs to be a support when you are upset, not judgemental that the reason you are upset is silly or not his problem etc. Of course, you do not have license to just freak out all over the place and be unreasonable...but you do have the right to get upset and expect for him to at least do his best to help, whether or not he agrees with WHY you are feeling what you are feeling.
janinegirly
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Tacori E-ring
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I planned our wedding without ANY help from my DH. He didn''t even see our wedding site before the wedding day. You know what made it worth it? The whole night (after the reception) and the next morning he could not stop raving about how perfect everything was (and he doesn''t ususally "rave"). I guess I never had any doubts and I actually had little stress planning it. I think because I wouldn''t let the small stuff bother me. The most stressful thing was when his parents flight was delayed and canceled and they had to rent a car and DRIVE 8 hours the day before the wedding. That was when all the security stuff started happening with flying. I am sure your wedding will turn out perfect.
onedrop
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janine: i just wanted to offer my support, cause I know how it is when FI doesn''t take a part in the planning. We are having a DW which hasn''t been stressful at all, but there are still decisions to be made. FI is NOT into planning and is always saying he trusts my decisions. That''s all well and good, but sometimes I''d like a little bit more help deciding considering the day is for the both of us. At times I was fruststrated, but I started pressing the issue and that definitely helped things because at least I was able to vent my frustrations at having to do *everything.* We also had to get past that zombie-like TV watching thing. Now, I bring it up when he is not watching TV and he''s much more receptive.
I guess my only advice would be to continue to impress upon your FI how it makes you feel that he is not involved. And emphasize that your feelings are not about the wedding, but about your feelings and the lack of communication. Hopefully that works, but in any case you can always vent here!
I guess my only advice would be to continue to impress upon your FI how it makes you feel that he is not involved. And emphasize that your feelings are not about the wedding, but about your feelings and the lack of communication. Hopefully that works, but in any case you can always vent here!
Pandora II
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Janine, can I just ask if your FI''s behaviour is like this just over wedding stuff or over other things too.
If it''s over other things as well I really think that you might want to consider getting some kind of couples counselling now. My sister has ended up trapped in a marriage where her husband started off behaving in a very similar way.
It appears that your partner is not feeling that your happiness is THE most important thing for them and I think this is making your more unhappy than any of the pre-wedding stresses you have going on. Maybe you need to give him a good shock and make him wise up - you don''t need someone who''s not there for you and 150% by your side.
I don''t mean any of this in a critical way at all - you just sound very unhappy.
If it''s over other things as well I really think that you might want to consider getting some kind of couples counselling now. My sister has ended up trapped in a marriage where her husband started off behaving in a very similar way.
It appears that your partner is not feeling that your happiness is THE most important thing for them and I think this is making your more unhappy than any of the pre-wedding stresses you have going on. Maybe you need to give him a good shock and make him wise up - you don''t need someone who''s not there for you and 150% by your side.
I don''t mean any of this in a critical way at all - you just sound very unhappy.
firebirdgold
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Have you told him that his not being supportive is what's causing you to lose it sometimes? Sometimes you just have to sit down with your guy and be blunt and honest about how certain things make you feel. It's important to stick only to the essentials during these sorts of conversations.
What it comes down to is that his reaction to your stress over the wedding planning is making you feel like he doesn't really care about getting married to you or that even that he regrets having asked you in the first place. When he says 'I didn't want this huge thing' it probably sounds to you like he's saying 'I don't want to do this'.
I'm sure he has no idea how this is really making you feel. His reaction to your comment about calling it off was probably due to him seeing it as an ultimatum or some tatic rather than the deep fear you have that he'd really prefer that. Men tend to respond horribly to pressure or ultimatums. If he had really understood that you were scared that he really would prefer to call it off then I'm sure he would have been more supportive.
You have got to let him know that this is making you feel insecure about his feelings.
I also recommend trying to reach a compromise. If this isn't the sort of wedding he wants, then what does he want? Is there a way to make you both happy about the style of the wedding? My DH really did not want a traditional or big wedding (he had the same definition of big), so I agreed to a family-only (8 people) DW. I'm very glad I did! I know you're pretty launched, but this could be an important thing to do.
ETA: I recommend the Groom's handbook. It has some good points on how to deal with a freaked out bride and when it's seriously not a good idea to say 'yes dear, whatever you want dear.'
What it comes down to is that his reaction to your stress over the wedding planning is making you feel like he doesn't really care about getting married to you or that even that he regrets having asked you in the first place. When he says 'I didn't want this huge thing' it probably sounds to you like he's saying 'I don't want to do this'.
I'm sure he has no idea how this is really making you feel. His reaction to your comment about calling it off was probably due to him seeing it as an ultimatum or some tatic rather than the deep fear you have that he'd really prefer that. Men tend to respond horribly to pressure or ultimatums. If he had really understood that you were scared that he really would prefer to call it off then I'm sure he would have been more supportive.
You have got to let him know that this is making you feel insecure about his feelings.
I also recommend trying to reach a compromise. If this isn't the sort of wedding he wants, then what does he want? Is there a way to make you both happy about the style of the wedding? My DH really did not want a traditional or big wedding (he had the same definition of big), so I agreed to a family-only (8 people) DW. I'm very glad I did! I know you're pretty launched, but this could be an important thing to do.
ETA: I recommend the Groom's handbook. It has some good points on how to deal with a freaked out bride and when it's seriously not a good idea to say 'yes dear, whatever you want dear.'
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Let''s face it, weddings are for women. You can just tell the groom when to be there and what to wear, and that''s about all most of them care about. Most men do not look forward to going to other people''s weddings either. That''s just the way they are (in general).
We started out thinking big wedding several months away, and the early stress made me decide that it just wasn''t that important to me. So we had a small afternoon wedding much sooner with close family and friends with nothing too complicated. I''ve been married now for 30 years, and I just don''t know anyone my age who spends any time sitting around thinking about whether they should have had a bigger wedding, or whatever! I don''t even remember the last time I looked at the pictures. So I''d recommend making your planning as stress free as possible, and don''t bring your stress over it to your fiance. Ask your friend, mother, or sister (or us!) their opinions on the details if you need help.
We started out thinking big wedding several months away, and the early stress made me decide that it just wasn''t that important to me. So we had a small afternoon wedding much sooner with close family and friends with nothing too complicated. I''ve been married now for 30 years, and I just don''t know anyone my age who spends any time sitting around thinking about whether they should have had a bigger wedding, or whatever! I don''t even remember the last time I looked at the pictures. So I''d recommend making your planning as stress free as possible, and don''t bring your stress over it to your fiance. Ask your friend, mother, or sister (or us!) their opinions on the details if you need help.
TravelingGal
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LOL, who says men act like adults?
Seriously though...I hate to say it but I think this behavior is more common than we''d think, and it doesn''t mean that Janine''s FI is a big giant jerk.
First of all Janine, I just want to clarify that when you said you wanted to call it off, were you talking about the wedding, or the marriage? I can totally understand wanting to call of a formal wedding and elope - but if you were testing the waters by saying "do you want to marry me or not?" Well...that is never a good idea. My husband (sadly) would have responded in a similar fashion - and I assure you that he is quite a communicative and loving person...WHEN he is not in the heat of anger!
Like Tacori, I didn''t have any stress planning my wedding except for one ugly visitor''s book and the fact that I am just poor at planning these things in general and procrastinated. There are lot of men, like your FI, who don''t want the big shabang and dread everything they see and hear that goes along with it. But TGuy also was thrilled with the results and couldn''t stop raving about our wedding. Is it fair that I did most of the planning? Probably not, but I got to keep my sanity that way.
If you can sort of "isolate" this issue as being the only one where he is reacting this way, I''d say try and deal with it and talk with friends about the fun stuff and some of the not so fun stuff. There''s something about men and weddings that doesn''t mix and brings out the obscure weirdness in them! If, as others have mentioned, this is the way he reacts with any challenge that comes up, then it''s something to be concerned about.
You know, at the end of the day, you can''t control how you want other people to act. So take a glass of wine, breathe and assess how YOU have been going. HAS wedding planning made you wacky at all? Do you talk about it incessantly? Does not a day go by where there is some wedding related conversation about tasks and decisions? Have other activities that you two have shared gone by the wayside? Men can be jealous of wedding planning because it takes you away from them, as nutty as that sounds.
Girl, I know how you feel...it''s hard to feel like someone is not in your corner - and we should be able to count on our men for support, right? But when you ask "where am I supposed to get the strength for all these tasks?" I just think to myself...you gotta pull it from YOU. At the very very end of the day (and the very bottomest of bottom lines) you''re the only one who has the power not to disappoint yourself.
TravelingGal
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LOL, this is so true. And you know why men hate going other people''s weddings? Because it''s planned by WOMEN and it''s boring to them. Cutting cake? Garter toss? Who cares? (they think).Date: 3/20/2007 6:57:37 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
Let''s face it, weddings are for women. You can just tell the groom when to be there and what to wear, and that''s about all most of them care about. Most men do not look forward to going to other people''s weddings either. That''s just the way they are (in general).
We started out thinking big wedding several months away, and the early stress made me decide that it just wasn''t that important to me. So we had a small afternoon wedding much sooner with close family and friends with nothing too complicated. I''ve been married now for 30 years, and I just don''t know anyone my age who spends any time sitting around thinking about whether they should have had a bigger wedding, or whatever! I don''t even remember the last time I looked at the pictures. So I''d recommend making your planning as stress free as possible, and don''t bring your stress over it to your fiance. Ask your friend, mother, or sister (or us!) their opinions on the details if you need help.
Now superbowl parties, they love. Hang out, no agenda, food and beer. Our wedding was more like that, and the men had a great time (small wedding helped). I don''t even think any of them ate the frou frou wedding cake!
poptart
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- May 23, 2006
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Heehee... don''t tell anyone but, I''d rather go to a superbowl party than someone''s wedding any day, haha.Date: 3/20/2007 7:17:06 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Date: 3/20/2007 6:57:37 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
Let''s face it, weddings are for women. You can just tell the groom when to be there and what to wear, and that''s about all most of them care about. Most men do not look forward to going to other people''s weddings either. That''s just the way they are (in general).
We started out thinking big wedding several months away, and the early stress made me decide that it just wasn''t that important to me. So we had a small afternoon wedding much sooner with close family and friends with nothing too complicated. I''ve been married now for 30 years, and I just don''t know anyone my age who spends any time sitting around thinking about whether they should have had a bigger wedding, or whatever! I don''t even remember the last time I looked at the pictures. So I''d recommend making your planning as stress free as possible, and don''t bring your stress over it to your fiance. Ask your friend, mother, or sister (or us!) their opinions on the details if you need help.
LOL, this is so true. And you know why men hate going other people''s weddings? Because it''s planned by WOMEN and it''s boring to them. Cutting cake? Garter toss? Who cares? (they think).
Now superbowl parties, they love. Hang out, no agenda, food and beer. Our wedding was more like that, and the men had a great time (small wedding helped). I don''t even think any of them ate the frou frou wedding cake!
Janinegirly: If this is a possible communication issue, you need to get it fixed now, especially since this is an especially stressful time. I agree with the two of you finding a compromise in both planning and the wedding as a whole. But take some time this week for the two of you to have some alone time with no wedding stress!
*M*
Kit
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2005
- Messages
- 501
Well, it does sound like you''re under some stress about the wedding. It does seem that your FI was maybe a bit insensitive, maybe a bit angry...it happens to the best of us.
It''s been pretty clear to me that your FI just isn''t in to having a wedding, which you are well aware of. I mean, it sure it disappointing for you but maybe can you just get into a headspace where you''re like, "Okay FI doesn''t want what I want, but is going along with all of it to make me happy." ??
It would be like, if you two took a skiing vacation and he hated skiing. He might mope around a bit and be bored, but ultimatley you are having a great time and getting what you want so he takes one for the team, ya know?
Hopefully I am helping here. [confused:]
Weddings are giant events that can easily spiral out of control. Perhaps it''s time to take a step back and sit calmly with FI and really think about what you two want, together. Ultimatley it''s YOUR wedding and YOUR marriage so just make sure you''re doing things that make you happy and not things to please others.
It''s been pretty clear to me that your FI just isn''t in to having a wedding, which you are well aware of. I mean, it sure it disappointing for you but maybe can you just get into a headspace where you''re like, "Okay FI doesn''t want what I want, but is going along with all of it to make me happy." ??
It would be like, if you two took a skiing vacation and he hated skiing. He might mope around a bit and be bored, but ultimatley you are having a great time and getting what you want so he takes one for the team, ya know?
Hopefully I am helping here. [confused:]
Weddings are giant events that can easily spiral out of control. Perhaps it''s time to take a step back and sit calmly with FI and really think about what you two want, together. Ultimatley it''s YOUR wedding and YOUR marriage so just make sure you''re doing things that make you happy and not things to please others.
ephemery1
Brilliant_Rock
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- Mar 20, 2006
- Messages
- 1,724
Agreed.Date: 3/20/2007 7:10:16 PM
Author: TravelingGal
LOL, who says men act like adults?
Seriously though...I hate to say it but I think this behavior is more common than we'd think, and it doesn't mean that Janine's FI is a big giant jerk.
My FI has been really supportive through the whole wedding-planning process, but that's because he's more into the whole big, elaborate "party" idea than I am. So when I feel like it's way too much money and desperately wish we'd just planned a family thing on an island somewhere, he reminds me that having the formal wedding thing is important to him... and that helps.
BUT, that being said, I completely understand how up and down this whole process is... these past few months, I've had some good days, but an awful lot of bad ones too. I doubt EVERYTHING... the cost especially, but all the other decisions too... name-changing, leaving my apartment, legally attaching myself to one person for the rest of my life, etc.
I think at some point you just have to sort of let go and trust that things will work out the way they're supposed to. My opinion: Is your FI being insensitive about this? Yes. Does that mean he's an insensitive person in general? No. There is a reason you've chosen to spend your life with him... don't let this crazy, surreal time make you lose sight of that. You guys will get through this!
sunshine14
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Jul 2, 2005
- Messages
- 247
Now, I''m not engaged yet, so I hope it is okay to chime in here. Janinegirly...what you are experiencing sounds completely NORMAL. That doesn''t make it okay of course, but I do think it is normal, so don''t go freaking out yet 
However, I do think that it brings to light some issues that you two need to work out.
My bf and I had an argument veeerrrryyy recently that was extremely similar. We are in the process of moving, and I have spent countless hours searching for apartments in the new city we are moving too. Upwards of 30 hours so far, and for someone in law school, that is a lot to put into anything that isn''t school related! However, my bf has been very uninterested. He''ll look at something if I force him too, but he would never initiate anything, search for anything, or be able to look at what apartments I''d found for more than oh....10 minutes. Then he''d tune out.
So the other night, while I was making a detailed itinerary for all the apartments we were to go see, he got upset with me that I was so stressed out and acting all crazy like...and didn''t want to spend time just cuddling and relaxing with him.
That is when I lost it. Why is it that when we are stressed out doing something that is supposed to be for the both of us, WE are the crazy ones beause we are stressed!?! How come it never crosses my bf''s mind to HELP me with this stuff, so that I won''t have so much on my plate, and maybe THEN i''d feel less stressed!
However, when I try to rationally think about it, I think that it usually begins in a good place. My bf knows that I am a better researcher than he is, and I will look at 1000 places to find the best 20 and he would look at 20 and find the best 2. So he probably thought that he would let me go at it and then chime in when the time is right. Howeve,r after weeks of no interest and me feeling like it was an independant search, I snapped and all of a sudden I was crazy.
I can imagine Janine that your FI maybe started out thinking that this is YOUR day and he wants you to have whatever you want that will make you happy, not realizing that whatyou truly want is him to seem interested and EXCITED about your wedding! Plus, men *typically* don''t tie in the emotion to these types of things what we women do (please don''t jump on me for the sort of generalization!), so that can make it more difficult. It''s not just that you need help...it''s that you want him to WANT to help, because this is important to you and is the beginning of your future married lives.
Anyways...I''m not sure if any of that made sense, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and that you definitely should talk to him, but maybe if you figure out the real root of the problem (i.e. that his lack of interest in the wedding DAY makes it seem like he is not interested in the marriage etc.), the discussion will go smoother. He probably just needs to know what you NEED and he will do what it takes to make you happy!!
I''m certain this will work itself out once you sit down with him and let him know how you feel. GOOD LUCK!
However, I do think that it brings to light some issues that you two need to work out.My bf and I had an argument veeerrrryyy recently that was extremely similar. We are in the process of moving, and I have spent countless hours searching for apartments in the new city we are moving too. Upwards of 30 hours so far, and for someone in law school, that is a lot to put into anything that isn''t school related! However, my bf has been very uninterested. He''ll look at something if I force him too, but he would never initiate anything, search for anything, or be able to look at what apartments I''d found for more than oh....10 minutes. Then he''d tune out.
So the other night, while I was making a detailed itinerary for all the apartments we were to go see, he got upset with me that I was so stressed out and acting all crazy like...and didn''t want to spend time just cuddling and relaxing with him.
That is when I lost it. Why is it that when we are stressed out doing something that is supposed to be for the both of us, WE are the crazy ones beause we are stressed!?! How come it never crosses my bf''s mind to HELP me with this stuff, so that I won''t have so much on my plate, and maybe THEN i''d feel less stressed!
However, when I try to rationally think about it, I think that it usually begins in a good place. My bf knows that I am a better researcher than he is, and I will look at 1000 places to find the best 20 and he would look at 20 and find the best 2. So he probably thought that he would let me go at it and then chime in when the time is right. Howeve,r after weeks of no interest and me feeling like it was an independant search, I snapped and all of a sudden I was crazy.
I can imagine Janine that your FI maybe started out thinking that this is YOUR day and he wants you to have whatever you want that will make you happy, not realizing that whatyou truly want is him to seem interested and EXCITED about your wedding! Plus, men *typically* don''t tie in the emotion to these types of things what we women do (please don''t jump on me for the sort of generalization!), so that can make it more difficult. It''s not just that you need help...it''s that you want him to WANT to help, because this is important to you and is the beginning of your future married lives.
Anyways...I''m not sure if any of that made sense, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and that you definitely should talk to him, but maybe if you figure out the real root of the problem (i.e. that his lack of interest in the wedding DAY makes it seem like he is not interested in the marriage etc.), the discussion will go smoother. He probably just needs to know what you NEED and he will do what it takes to make you happy!!
I''m certain this will work itself out once you sit down with him and let him know how you feel. GOOD LUCK!
Janine,
I''m sorry that you''re having a hard time right now. I can certainly understand the wedding planning doubts and dealing w/a FI who is not involved in the planning. There are so many details in wedding planning that it quickly becomes overwhelming, especially when doing it all yourself. I am doing mine myself too. I do talk to my FI about planning but not that much. I ask him questions about the big stuff, actually I don''t even do that as much anymore b/c I know he doesn''t have a real opinion about most things relating to the wedding. But if I need to vent, I vent to him. He doesn''t say much but I know he''s listening and for the most part, I''m fine w/doing this myself. I''ve never been great at delegating anyway.
I just came to the realization and understanding that he does want to get married and that is important to him but how it''s done just isn''t important, especially since he''s not getting the teeny tiny wedding that he''d prefer. I can''t really argue w/that logic so I just try not to focus on making all the decisions and just make them.
Men really are just so different from women at times. Sometimes I''ll be so upset about something and although I know my FI is listening to me, he says virtually nothing. It can drive me a little crazy but I also think that he thinks that at times, I just need to vent and it''s not about his response. Which it really isn''t about what he says, it''s just about him showing support, as you mentioned. I suppose it''s a bit of mis-communication about our communication needs.
My FI and I actually had a talk a few weeks back about our different communication styles and it helped. We tried to understand each other and remember to respect each other''s needs, not just our own.
Do you think you can talk to your FI not so much about being involved in the planning, but him being a bit more supportive of you and what you''re feeling?
Are you feeling any better today? This hasn''t been the greatest week for me either so I''m glad it''s 1/2 way over!
I''m sorry that you''re having a hard time right now. I can certainly understand the wedding planning doubts and dealing w/a FI who is not involved in the planning. There are so many details in wedding planning that it quickly becomes overwhelming, especially when doing it all yourself. I am doing mine myself too. I do talk to my FI about planning but not that much. I ask him questions about the big stuff, actually I don''t even do that as much anymore b/c I know he doesn''t have a real opinion about most things relating to the wedding. But if I need to vent, I vent to him. He doesn''t say much but I know he''s listening and for the most part, I''m fine w/doing this myself. I''ve never been great at delegating anyway.
I just came to the realization and understanding that he does want to get married and that is important to him but how it''s done just isn''t important, especially since he''s not getting the teeny tiny wedding that he''d prefer. I can''t really argue w/that logic so I just try not to focus on making all the decisions and just make them.
Men really are just so different from women at times. Sometimes I''ll be so upset about something and although I know my FI is listening to me, he says virtually nothing. It can drive me a little crazy but I also think that he thinks that at times, I just need to vent and it''s not about his response. Which it really isn''t about what he says, it''s just about him showing support, as you mentioned. I suppose it''s a bit of mis-communication about our communication needs.
My FI and I actually had a talk a few weeks back about our different communication styles and it helped. We tried to understand each other and remember to respect each other''s needs, not just our own.
Do you think you can talk to your FI not so much about being involved in the planning, but him being a bit more supportive of you and what you''re feeling?
Are you feeling any better today? This hasn''t been the greatest week for me either so I''m glad it''s 1/2 way over!
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