Do you discuss purchases with your SO?

[ame]

Depends what it is and the price point.

I guess that's what I was asking - if you discuss, what is your personal price point?

Again, depends what it is. Most stuff, no. He sees the statements too, and most stuff he doesn't give a crap about. We both work, and we're fine.

Jewelry stuff I don't buy a lot of, but anything over $500 probably I discuss with him. Purses I usually discuss because I want to make sure he hasn't got any big purchases planned for himself coinciding, and if I buy a bag it's not cheap. Computer/electronics we discuss, when I upgrade my cell phone that will be more of a "warning" and less of a discussion since he already knows it's happening, it's just a matter of when it comes out. I have been given "clearance" for my own iPad that I don't want that I do think I should get separate for my business stuff bec I think he's concerned his will get stolen while I have it or something. I don't blame him but I so don't want one. It's less about "permission" and more about making sure we don't have payments or purchases coinciding with each other that will hit at the same time.

Right now our big focus is the house stuff, so I am trying to scale back any shopping I do (that's going poorly), Target trips and Nordstrom blowouts so we can handle that project.

 

[steelmagnolia]

I always enjoy this question/thread on my different forums! The answers are always as varied as the couples themselves. I've seen military couples who set no limits on one another's spending and financially affluent couples who as a rule discuss anything over a couple hundred dollars.

Being part of a "military couple", I'm not sure how to take that comment?

Umm not sure why being a military couple has anything to do with it?

I'm sorry, I should have explained that much better, having been a military wife for almost 20 years myself! I apologize!

I was married to an enlisted fellow and was a stay at home mom for quite awhile, though I'm also an RN. I had a group of friends who were also military wives of enlisted men. We were mostly young families, and so there were some lean years financially for many of us. Military folks didn't get paid very much way back when. A lot of us were in the same situations financially, and we talked. We all had different styles in everything, of course, from parenting to relationships and such, but we were usually similar in our money styles. We all made around the same salaries, and the wives generally handled the finances and were very mindful of our budgets since we had to make do with not a lot. It was unusual to have friends who didn't have to watch their budget or discuss purchases with one another and could spend freely. I was remembering this from real life long ago and not relating it very well "out loud"

Ahhhh understood. I actually thought you were taking it the opposite way. As a current military spouse I see lots of couples who spend like there is no tomorrow. Especially when they are deployed. New Ipads, expensive cars, big houses etc. It doesn't matter that they will be indebt for probably the rest of their life up to their eyeballs. Just last week my DH asked me to council some new and very young wives (aska 18-20 yo) whose husbands just enlist. I just do a quick coffee with them and explain the TSP and the importance of saving for retirement and how to budget. Then let them ask any other questions they might have.

I'm glad you got what I meant with some explanation! I was afraid even with that I hadn't done a very good job We didn't even have the TSP, they introduced the gov't credit card but it was not what it is today, and even deployments weren't paid in a timely manner when my DH was in! We don't live near too many active military now (though my oldest is Guard, it isn't the same), so I am unable to keep up with all the changes in today's armed forces finances, but I have been told a few stories of deployment spending like you mention!

 

[Nyc2chigal]

This is an interesting topic, not because I want to compare myself with others, but it's always cool to see how others manage their spending, how they communicate with their SO, etc.

Although I wasn't (still not!) used to sharing all my spending with someone else, my DH encourages it. Other than the daily essentials, he tells me EVERYTHING! Just yesterday he bought a pair of shorts and modeled them for me!
I honestly don't care what he spends $$ on. He works hard, and rarely does he spend it on himself (he's pretty selfless that way).

He expects me to be the same way, in this respect. Which. Is. HARD.
We have joint accounts. No personal.
I have a different kind of mindset. I grew up where my parents made many purchases w/o telling each other. They would know about it when the piece of furniture would be in the living room or CAR would be sitting in the driveway. Yeah, not good.

I don't want to go to that extreme, but I like nice things. And the nice things I like, tend to be pricey as heck!

I admire and respect my DH, but dang it, I want my 4 ct eternity band!!!!


Long story short, yeah, we discuss LOL!

 

[diamondringlover]

Most purchase under a hundred are not discussed, but he always lets me know and vice versa because of the joint account..anything over is almost always discussed before being purchased.

 

[Kelinas]

The only shared account is the household account, which I balance so he lets me know how much and what it's for and I update the book which isn't a big deal since it is for the house or family anyway. All other expenses come out of our personal accounts so as long as he can afford it, I'm not bothered by how he manages his personal account(s).

Exactly this.

+1

 

[junebug17]

I guess my husband and I are pretty lucky in that neither of us spend a lot of money on ourselves, so we're both on the same page. My husband is fairly frugal, but he works really hard and tbh I really don't care if he does buy something expensive occasionally without checking with me. It happens very infrequently and I trust him and know he won't be irresponsible with our money. And it's not like he spends thousands on any one particular item. The only big ticket items I'm interested in are the occasional diamond pieces, and those are always gifts and except for my OEC even they aren't extremely expensive (relatively speaking!) I pick them out myself but I let him know the cost. Other than that I never buy anything really expensive. I guess in general we check with each other if the item is over $300 or so.

 

[LittleRiver]

We have a joint account for everyday consumption and minor purchases (lunches, coffee, manicures, books, iTunes, etc.) and then we each get a personal allowance each month for "stuff" (clothes, gadgets, etc.).

For expenses that come out of the joint account, we typically share what we spent at the end of the day.

When it comes to "stuff", we like to discuss in advance, even though the money comes from our personal accounts. But that's because we enjoy the planning and anticipation, not because we need permission.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Of course not, she might say "no". I'll tell her after the damage is done...

My husband did that to me! I said no to A BOAT but he bought it anyway. He even took a picture to email people and you can see me in the background with my hand across my forehead freaking out. The first time we took it out "for just a quick ride," it broke down and we were stuck on some waterway in Seattle w/our kids, no food and I had to go pee.

Last night, I did tell my dh I am wanting to a new jewelry item in a couple of months and he said we should get a new boat first. Actually, he said we will get a new boat first. Obviously, I'm not going to even both to tell him when I place my order. I'll be sure to post a photo of my diamond goody with my DH looking horrified in the background.

 

[jazzoboe]

I think this is something that changes a bit over time depending on our financial circumstances. At the moment, DH and I are on a very tight budget. My student loans have just gone into repayment and I don't have a full-time job yet, so that means our budget for unnecessary items is pretty much 0. So if I buy something that's more than $20 or so, I would let him know so he isn't surprised when he looks at our accounts (which are all joint). But in the past we have had a little more extra money coming in and less going out, and as long as we were still putting some in savings, it wasn't a big deal to spend a bit on myself. I would still discuss anything big (for example, I bought a $600 espresso machine last year... and DH hates coffee, so it took a little convincing that it was worth the money, but he knew I had been doing my research for a long time and ultimately told me to go for it), but it has never been a matter of asking permission. More that neither one of us wants to be surprised when the bills come in. Also, DH's parents have had some huge issues over money (as in both of them, but one more than the other, tend to run up huge CC debt on random crap they don't need and don't tell the other, and then can barely afford their monthly bills in spite of the fact that they make plenty of money), and my parents have never had a whole lot to start with, so we are both very aware of these things, and make a conscious effort to keep each other informed and look over our budget together to make sure we're making good decisions overall. But DH so rarely buys things for himself; I'm usually happy when he does because it means I won't feel so guilty when I want something!

Anyway, I see this changing a bit in the future. Right now we are young and poor (okay, we're not really poor, we are fairly comfortable for a couple of 25 year olds, but compared to most PSers...). But my loans will get paid off, he will (God willing) keep getting raises/promotions/better jobs, and I will find a job and/or publish my book. At some point I think we will likely be much more comfortable in our finances than we are now, and when that happens I suspect we will adjust our habits of when we need to discuss things.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Of course not, she might say "no". I'll tell her after the damage is done...

My husband did that to me! I said no to A BOAT but he bought it anyway. He even took a picture to email people and you can see me in the background with my hand across my forehead freaking out. The first time we took it out "for just a quick ride," it broke down and we were stuck on some waterway in Seattle w/our kids, no food and I had to go pee.

Last night, I did tell my dh I am wanting to a new jewelry item in a couple of months and he said we should get a new boat first. Actually, he said we will get a new boat first. Obviously, I'm not going to even both to tell him when I place my order. I'll be sure to post a photo of my diamond goody with my DH looking horrified in the background.

Yup, you must do it in a sneaky way!...

 

[momhappy]

We'll discuss things over a few hundred bucks - finances are shared, we both check our accounts periodically after one case of straight-up CC fraud and one case of being shafted by a service provider.

Off topic note, care.com slips the fact they'll charge you indefinitely into the *very* small print, and they charge under the different and vaguely medical sounding CCI*Care ... for new moms with lots of doctors visits, I'm betting it can slip under the radar a lot for more folks than me. In fact, I'm sure of it, since the entire first page of results when I googled that name was related to fraud concerns, and it took me until the bottom of the second to connect the dots, via something like their URL registry. SO SHADEY. I signed up for one month of listing for a sitter, and they continued to charge me for over a year. At $35 a month, it added up ... but was right in line with what so many of the doctors I was visiting charged me for co-pay and incidentals that I didn't notice it on there until I finally had a month *without* a doctor's visit! Come to think of it, I should start a separate thread on this as a PSA.

At any rate, to get back on topic ... yes, because of that, we both check our accounts kind of paranoically, and it's so much easier to give him a head's up on weird purchases than to get the "I think we might have gotten shafted again ...." phone call because I bought some bling!

Funny you mention Care.com - I signed up for a temporary membership (or at least I thought it was) and just recently found out that my membership is constantly being renewed and I am subsequently charged. Although it's a good site, I need to cancel my membership.

 

[momhappy]

Yes if it's a major purchase... Clothing, shoes, etc... Not at all.

For me, clothes and shoes can sort of be a major purchase. A designer dress or pair of shoes could easily cost me up to $1000 (although, I try to stay below that on any one item). A handbag costs even more (I try to stay below $2000). Non-designer clothes & shoes I don't discuss, but high-end stuff I do if it's pricey.

 

[Rosebloom]

I manage all our (completely joint) finances. We ask/inform each other about things over $200 or so when it's a splurge item. Otherwise I pay all the bills and do almost all the household and family purchases (groceries, clothes, furniture, travel, etc). We had massive student debt that we are still finishing up and we save a great deal. So there's not much left to splurge with!

 

[TooPatient]

Yep.

Groceries, cat/dog food and household needs (paper towels, tp, laundry soap) don't really get discussed. Anything more than that is talked about and planned for. We all get what we need but even the needs have to fit in a budget and that budget can get massively broken if we don't watch.

I'm in school and not working so we have only his income. Since I'm transferring with every credit they'll allow me to take to the university I have taken "too many" classes at the college and lost all financial aid (including loans) so we're entirely out of pocket there. Plus we've got a teenager in the house now (she's been with us for almost a year now!) so that adds up pretty quickly.

And our wedding in just over three months to finish paying for


When I am done with school and working, things will be much more relaxed. We have shared goals we're working towards so there shouldn't be many financial arguments. (we've been living together for 8 years so have already been there )

 

[Dreamer_D]

For example, in my relationship, anything around or above probably the $300 mark would be discussed - and not necessarily in a can-I-buy-this? kind of way, but rather a shared-bank-account kind of respectful way.

We do this as well, but I think our dollar value to prompt discussion is closer to $150. When we have more disposable income, I am sure that value will go up!

ETA: reading on I see I should clarify!

This discussion is ONLY for luxury, uneccesary purchases, including clothing. For family things like groceries we don't discuss it! We also sometimes don't discuss larger things until after the fact. Like, "Oh I spent X today."

And in fact, its mostly DH who checks with me because I manage our money. DH doesn't like thinking about money and is not particularly good at managing a household financially. Its like running a small business the amount of money passing through our hands each month! In exchange for his blissful existence of NEVER EVER having to think about money, he accepts two things: 1) He needs to check with me before making purchases larger than about $150 to make sure it fits that months cash flow; and b) he trusts my choices about purchases. I have more freedom to spend, but the cost of that freedom is organizing, planning, and worrying about the budget and bills each month.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Yes. I'll ask if it's okay if it's more than a couple hundred. DH does all of our book-keeping, investment-tracking, and bill-paying. I'm not involved beyond the fact that my paycheck is deposited into our shared savings account every couple of weeks - and honestly, I don't want to be! But of course that means that he has a much better idea of what our cash flow looks like and which accounts to withdraw from at any given time, so I defer to his judgment.

I was talking about this with a couple of friends and friends-of-friends last week and one of them was absolutely, utterly HORRIFIED to learn that I wasn't using 'ask' as a euphemism for 'politely inform'. "You mean, he could say *no*, and you'd just *listen*"!?
"Yes... and I'm actually completely okay with that, if the trade-off is not having to deal with any of that finance stuff myself!"

Yssie you and your husband are the opposite of me and my husband! I wodner how many couples are like that? I can't think of anyone whom I know personally. But overall I am sure its pretty common.

 

[nowicanseethemoon]

This is a very timely subject for me. My SO and I are talking more seriously about marriage and we have different approaches to spending. I think it's a good thing because his more conservative spending habits balance out my more frivolous ones, but it concerns him. Just last night we were talking about joint accounts, separate accounts with a shared household account, or just keeping separate accounts. My ex-husband and I didn't have shared finances at all and it ended up causing a lot of problems (like that cruise he took with his girlfriend that I didn't know anything about, but clearly we had other issues). I know financial difficulties or disagreements can cause a lot of tension in relationships and I think it's important to work out a system that works for us. I appreciate hearing about how you all make it work - it gives me ideas to talk to SO about as we try to figure out what works for us.