Do you discuss purchases with your SO?

[momhappy]

I'm curious if those of you who are married or in LTRs discuss purchases? Do you discuss daily expenses or just larger purchases (like jewelry)? Do you have a price at which you discuss? For example, in my relationship, anything around or above probably the $300 mark would be discussed - and not necessarily in a can-I-buy-this? kind of way, but rather a shared-bank-account kind of respectful way. I recently told my husband that I passed up a handbag that's been on my wish list for quite some time (that I could have spent just under $1000 for) and he said that I should have bought it because he just bought something special for himself last week that cost him almost $1000. I was a little shocked that he hadn't mentioned it before that. Although, I realize that he didn't mention it because I would have rolled my eyes at the new addition to his collection (of many), but it's not like I would have been angry, told him not to buy it, etc. Likewise, I expect an eye-roll from him when I add a new handbag, pair of shoes, etc. to my collection. It got me wondering if you just spend freely, discuss everything, or have some happy-medium where you discuss certain dollar amounts?

 

[kenny]

I've bought three expensive diamond rings for my SO.
All 3 were a complete surprise to him.
He was happy all 3 times.

I bought 2 expensive diamond rings for myself, and am working on a third.
They also were a surprise to him.
In 15 years, he's never given me a present that cost over, about, $100.

Funny, he never seemed as happy with the surprises that were for me as the surprises that were for him.

Just the facts, ma'am.

 

[sonnyjane]

We don't have a shared bank account so it's not quite the same. If we did, then I would definitely want to know if he'd made a big purchase so I didn't go grocery shopping and end up with an overdraft. $1,000 is a big deal, and I would expect him to discuss that with me ahead of time. My biggest purchase lately was a $450 camera and I did tell him about it, like you described, I didn't ask for permission, just told him I was getting it. His last big purchase was an $8,000 motorcycle and that one WAS more of a "hey do you mind if I get this?" conversation as opposed to him just telling me. I kind of like the freedom of not having to report my purchases to him, so I am a little more relaxed on his reporting purchases to me as long as all of our bills are paid and we are saving an appropriate amount, which we are. If we were in financial hot water, it would be a different story.

 

[marcy]

If it is hundreds no but thousands yes.

 

[ame]

Depends what it is and the price point.

 

[steelmagnolia]

I always enjoy this question/thread on my different forums! The answers are always as varied as the couples themselves. I've seen military couples who set no limits on one another's spending and financially affluent couples who as a rule discuss anything over a couple hundred dollars.

In my own relationship, discussing anything over $300 means I would never grocery shop without DH's input LOL As we have five children and a grandchild who all regularly eat here, even if they don't all live here full time, our grocery bill alone is mind boggling on a weekly basis! I can also drop $500-600 at Costco on a large run without batting an eye. However, for "fun" purchases, DH discusses almost anything beyond the cost of a roll of toilet paper with me I'm the one who does the books for the household and he likes to make sure of things like me not being unexpectedly short for something and having to pull from another account with no notice. I tend to discuss large things if they're going to cause him to perk his ears up when he is taking a look at the accounts. Not because he will care or give admonishment, but just as a courtesy. I also tend to be "fair" and if I've spent a large amount on fun for myself, I often will make sure that he knows he can spend a similar amount on himself next time. It works for us now that the days of every spare penny having to be accounted for and most of that going to the children's needs are going away!

 

[yssie]

Yes. I'll ask if it's okay if it's more than a couple hundred. DH does all of our book-keeping, investment-tracking, and bill-paying. I'm not involved beyond the fact that my paycheck is deposited into our shared savings account every couple of weeks - and honestly, I don't want to be! But of course that means that he has a much better idea of what our cash flow looks like and which accounts to withdraw from at any given time, so I defer to his judgment.

I was talking about this with a couple of friends and friends-of-friends last week and one of them was absolutely, utterly HORRIFIED to learn that I wasn't using 'ask' as a euphemism for 'politely inform'. "You mean, he could say *no*, and you'd just *listen*"!?
"Yes... and I'm actually completely okay with that, if the trade-off is not having to deal with any of that finance stuff myself!"
We don't discuss things we need, just the frivolous splurges - so groceries, home goods, stuff for the pets, etc. are just added to the To Do list. And steelmagnolia I know exactly what you mean about Costco - we manage to drop truly staggering amounts there for just the two of us! (Well, plus four cats and one dog and another on the way )

 

[Enerchi]

House things, travel, kid stuff - all discussed. Clothing and other personal purchases - not discussed but we do not have pricey taste in anything. We have a joint account, as well as we also each have our own separate accounts. I'm with Sonnyjane - as long as our major bills and expenses are paid, and savings/RSP/TFSAs are being built up, then what's left is to do with as you please.

When it comes to the jewelry I have bought, I don't ask permission because it is coming from my money, but I always advise that this is what I'd like to do, so he knows what my plans are. If it turns out that he's been mulling over a 2 month European vacation for next year, or there is going to be a major house expense coming up (roof and pool liner averted for this year) then that would change what I would be channeling my 'fun money' into. I also give the heads up as a courtesy ... just so nothing can get thrown back at me later, in terms of "you bought ANOTHER diamond XYZ?!" ... kwim??

 

[momhappy]

Depends what it is and the price point.

I guess that's what I was asking - if you discuss, what is your personal price point?

 

[missy]

Since we check our finances every day on mint we sort of know how much and for what the other is spending. We don't formally discuss purchases that are under a few hundred but we definitely discuss anything pricey. I would not be happy if my dh went out and spent 1K on something without discussing it with me (even if it were for me). My dh is very generous and doesn't care what I spend or how much I spend but I always discuss any expensive purchase with him. Though I rarely discuss clothing/shoes/handbag purchases and that really adds up but again everything is on mint so we certainly have no spending secrets from each other.

 

[sonnyjane]

I always enjoy this question/thread on my different forums! The answers are always as varied as the couples themselves. I've seen military couples who set no limits on one another's spending and financially affluent couples who as a rule discuss anything over a couple hundred dollars.

Being part of a "military couple", I'm not sure how to take that comment?

 

[tyty333]

We do usually talk to each other about purchases over a certain amount of money (the amount depends on the item if that makes
sense). Its pretty much just a courtesy but also to see if the other person wants to have any input into the item being purchased.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I take care of all the bills and in an ideal world, any larger purchases would be discussed with me, but they're not. I don't buy expensive things, but I buy things like $8 organic blueberries and notice my husband reacts about the same to that as $200 jeans (makes sarcastic comments, but doesn't get mad or wonder why I didn't tell him)! A couple times a year, he'll get something that really should be discussed, like the time he carried in a giant new plasma TV or ordered a pricey bike, then decided to order a second on bc he didn't like the first... Unless I decide to apply for a car loan w/out having him test drive w/me don't think at this point he'd care My husband knows I'm kind of boring practical, like if I bring home a new handbag, even if from Nordstrom, he'd know it was on sale. If a box from Whiteflash appeared at the door, he'd assume I didn't spend very much bc I'm always clipping coupons and using ebates. That would be one thing, though... If three or four Whiteflash boxes came in one week, he'd probably freak out! Lol

 

[04diamond<3]

Since there's currently only one income in the house because I've been in school, yes we discuss. Since his new job, we don't need to but still do out of habit.Once I get a job (hopefully really really soon), it won't be a big deal anymore, but since we have debt to continue paying for, a house down payment to save for...we'll probably continue checking with each other.

 

[chrono]

The only shared account is the household account, which I balance so he lets me know how much and what it's for and I update the book which isn't a big deal since it is for the house or family anyway. All other expenses come out of our personal accounts so as long as he can afford it, I'm not bothered by how he manages his personal account(s).

 

[GliderPoss]

I always enjoy this question/thread on my different forums! The answers are always as varied as the couples themselves. I've seen military couples who set no limits on one another's spending and financially affluent couples who as a rule discuss anything over a couple hundred dollars.

Being part of a "military couple", I'm not sure how to take that comment?

Umm not sure why being a military couple has anything to do with it?

For the record we discuss anything over about $200 as we have a shared account and it's just polite. That way we can keep tabs on where money is and what bills are coming up - no suprises!

 

[luv2sparkle]

It really depends. I wouldn't ask permission but I would probably tell him about it. I wouldn't ever buy anything over $500 dollars without a discussion. We usually trade off of big purchases. It's a pretty shared thing. We always have things on mental wish lists. But if I go out and spend 400-500 on clothes I usually mention it afterwards. I am a pretty cautious spender in large amounts so it would be something needed.

 

[mrs jam]

We tend to mull over larger (more than 1k) purchases with each other. In the past, I've been an impulsive buyer, and once the bloom is off the rose, I regret the purchase. Talking it out with my husband helps me put more thought into whether or not I really want something. If I decide that it's something I really, really want, it's fun to have someone with whom I can share my excitement!

 

[SB621]

I'm pretty sure my DH hasn't looked at his finances since the day after we got married. I don't even think he knows his account numbers or log ins to anything anymore. Though he is a very smart man he completely gave up ALL control of his financials when marrying me (I mean 401k, stock, savings everything). Now with that said my DH just doesn't make purchases. He doesn't have a love for material items. He likes working out and spending time as a family. I tell him about anything I buy that is over 1k and he sort of has the glaze look on his face when we discuss it. Unless it is something like a family vacation or something that affects our children he truly doesn't care what goes on in between. However, he does know that I put a large amount of our money away into savings (4.0k, IRA, 529 etcs) so we are never tight for money. He has completely faith in me, though he never really knows financial where we are at. Not conventional but it works for us.

 

[tammy77]

We discuss almost all of our purchases but we're also in the middle of trying to get our spending down to a bare minimum. As far as larger purchases, we always discuss them. DH recently lusted over a new camera that had a $1100 price tag. We talked about it and went together to buy it after a few days. I wouldn't have appreciated it if he just bought it without even talking to me about it.

 

[monarch64]

So far, (we've only been married a couple years!) we discuss every expenditure, UNLESS it has something to do with gifts. I threw my husband a surprise 40th birthday party this past spring and had saved cash away so he would know nothing. He was completely and totally floored and happily surprised, and I'm so glad I went to the expense. It cost me a mortgage payment but after all was said and done, the experience for him far outweighed the cost.

We don't do things like that for each other often at all. If he brings me flowers, they're from a nice place who does $8 rose bouquets! Or he will give me a gift card for a massage, mani/pedi, etc. never the full treatment, and I don't have time for that anyway!

Now, if we want a major appliance or are considering a new home/land/vehicle/business? You bet we are talking about it together.

If I want a handbag, I find a way to fund it on my own. If he wants a new drill, same.

 

[arkieb1]

Depends how much. Mostly no. I don't think we discuss our purchases, we do tell the other person when its going to be a larger amount. A few hundred, no, a few thousand, no, if its going to be many thousand like ten thousand, twenty thousand then yes because he will question what it was spent on. The same works in reverse with what he spends, I don't question what he spends up to a certain amount then I go what was that for....usually we just say I am buying x or y and that is the end of it unless the other person strongly thinks its a dumb idea.

 

[Laila619]

We're really frugal by choice and love to save, so honestly, we don't buy a ton of stuff beyond the usual necessities. But when we do make a bigger personal purchase, we generally just give the other person a heads up. It's not asking for permission per se, it's just letting them know ahead of time. I know I could buy whatever I want and DH wouldn't care, but I'd still tell him as a courtesy before I went ahead and bought it.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Of course not, she might say "no". I'll tell her after the damage is done...

 

[steelmagnolia]

I always enjoy this question/thread on my different forums! The answers are always as varied as the couples themselves. I've seen military couples who set no limits on one another's spending and financially affluent couples who as a rule discuss anything over a couple hundred dollars.

Being part of a "military couple", I'm not sure how to take that comment?

Umm not sure why being a military couple has anything to do with it?

I'm sorry, I should have explained that much better, having been a military wife for almost 20 years myself! I apologize!

I was married to an enlisted fellow and was a stay at home mom for quite awhile, though I'm also an RN. I had a group of friends who were also military wives of enlisted men. We were mostly young families, and so there were some lean years financially for many of us. Military folks didn't get paid very much way back when. A lot of us were in the same situations financially, and we talked. We all had different styles in everything, of course, from parenting to relationships and such, but we were usually similar in our money styles. We all made around the same salaries, and the wives generally handled the finances and were very mindful of our budgets since we had to make do with not a lot. It was unusual to have friends who didn't have to watch their budget or discuss purchases with one another and could spend freely. I was remembering this from real life long ago and not relating it very well "out loud"

 

[SB621]

I always enjoy this question/thread on my different forums! The answers are always as varied as the couples themselves. I've seen military couples who set no limits on one another's spending and financially affluent couples who as a rule discuss anything over a couple hundred dollars.

Being part of a "military couple", I'm not sure how to take that comment?

Umm not sure why being a military couple has anything to do with it?

I'm sorry, I should have explained that much better, having been a military wife for almost 20 years myself! I apologize!

I was married to an enlisted fellow and was a stay at home mom for quite awhile, though I'm also an RN. I had a group of friends who were also military wives of enlisted men. We were mostly young families, and so there were some lean years financially for many of us. Military folks didn't get paid very much way back when. A lot of us were in the same situations financially, and we talked. We all had different styles in everything, of course, from parenting to relationships and such, but we were usually similar in our money styles. We all made around the same salaries, and the wives generally handled the finances and were very mindful of our budgets since we had to make do with not a lot. It was unusual to have friends who didn't have to watch their budget or discuss purchases with one another and could spend freely. I was remembering this from real life long ago and not relating it very well "out loud"

Ahhhh understood. I actually thought you were taking it the opposite way. As a current military spouse I see lots of couples who spend like there is no tomorrow. Especially when they are deployed. New Ipads, expensive cars, big houses etc. It doesn't matter that they will be indebt for probably the rest of their life up to their eyeballs. Just last week my DH asked me to council some new and very young wives (aska 18-20 yo) whose husbands just enlist. I just do a quick coffee with them and explain the TSP and the importance of saving for retirement and how to budget. Then let them ask any other questions they might have.

 

[Rhea]

We generally know what the other person has purchased beyond daily things like lunches and coffees. He'll mention that he wants to get X CD when it comes out, or that Y author just published a new book, or that he thinks summer shoes might be good idea.

Neither one of us spends a lot of money. His mother gave me a couple shirts for my birthday this year and I realised that the last time I'd been clothes shopping was about a year and a half ago when I bought a pair of jeans and a dress second hand and two new shirts. It's been longer since he's last been. We've each bought 1 pair of shoes within the last year and we don't regularly replace household items unless they've worn out. We try not to waste and don't like to have a lot to tote around so our purchases other than groceries, coffee and lunch out, and dinner out every couple of weeks is very minimal.

There really aren't any purchases to discuss, small or large. In the the last 8 weeks my spending on goods which aren't food, travel, household supplies, medicine, or activities done as a couple, has amounted to £18.50. Yeah, big spenders here.

 

[Circe]

We'll discuss things over a few hundred bucks - finances are shared, we both check our accounts periodically after one case of straight-up CC fraud and one case of being shafted by a service provider.

Off topic note, care.com slips the fact they'll charge you indefinitely into the *very* small print, and they charge under the different and vaguely medical sounding CCI*Care ... for new moms with lots of doctors visits, I'm betting it can slip under the radar a lot for more folks than me. In fact, I'm sure of it, since the entire first page of results when I googled that name was related to fraud concerns, and it took me until the bottom of the second to connect the dots, via something like their URL registry. SO SHADEY. I signed up for one month of listing for a sitter, and they continued to charge me for over a year. At $35 a month, it added up ... but was right in line with what so many of the doctors I was visiting charged me for co-pay and incidentals that I didn't notice it on there until I finally had a month *without* a doctor's visit! Come to think of it, I should start a separate thread on this as a PSA.

At any rate, to get back on topic ... yes, because of that, we both check our accounts kind of paranoically, and it's so much easier to give him a head's up on weird purchases than to get the "I think we might have gotten shafted again ...." phone call because I bought some bling!

 

[rosetta]

My husband doesn't spend much on himself at all, so I am very happy when he does splurge. I don't need to know about it.

I spend a lot more on my self, and I would tell him if I spent more than £1000 on a single item, but TBH he wouldn't really mind if he wasn't informed beforehand. I handle our finances, so he knows I would never run us anywhere near debt and savings always come first.

 

[Mayk]

Yes if it's a major purchase... Clothing, shoes, etc... Not at all.