Do you actually try to follow the *pay for your plate* guideline?

[musey]

Date: 12/13/2007 1:46:38 AM
Author: swingirl
Whoa! With weddings getting so lavish at $100-$200 a plate it makes the guest start to consider whether they should go at all if the plate is so expensive.

Firstly, I agree that that kind of thinking can put many people in a tough spot, for SURE. (Now that I'm aware of what weddings cost, I'm one of those tough-spot dwellers.)

However, I really have to say that I don't think $100-$200/plate can be safely described as "lavish." One of the big selling points of our venue was that it was one of THE LEAST expensive I found, and it still averages out to $120/plate. This place is beautiful, sure, but hardly the Four Seasons.

The flip side of your coin is that... with "plates" costing $120/each, it makes us start to consider whether I should invite so-and-so at all. It's sad, but with a tight budget, often it comes down to "is it worth paying an extra $120 to have this person here?" This is a question we often ask when parents/etc. are pressuring us to invite any given person. Their defense is usually "Well, you'll probably get that much and more back in gifts."

Crass, I know. And then I feel disgusting for even falling into this line of reasoning. People should be invited to my wedding based upon whether I want them to be there--not whether I think their presence is valued at $120.


I'm another who'd never heard of this until my FMIL, who is from New Jersey, brought it up in defense of her guest list add-ons.


P.S. FI and I did learn our lesson, and now question add-ons only based on how well we know them--and stopped giving cost as an excuse.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 12/13/2007 12:25:30 AM
Author: diamondfan
I agree, Gypsy!

I think this is crass and nasty. How should I, as a guest, begin to know what someone spent per person? How is it my business or my obligation? And if they are only throwing the wedding in order to break even, they should not even bother. Rude and tacky is my view. You are invited to share in their day. You give what you can afford to give. What you spend is not a measure of how you view the couple or special your relationship is. Hogwash and offensive to boot.

Yup!

I really do find it offensive. We are going to a wedding NYE, and it's for John's closest first cousin in New York. .. SO he and I discussed this whole thing just a few weeks ago, and for this wedding I've conceded to do this as his family IS itallian and it REALLY is tradition for them and we don't want to make waves with close family. Also, since it IS a very close relationship and I would have given almost as much anyway. But it's sticking in my craw. Not the money, the whole IDEA of it. I've also agreed to do this for any of his nieces or his nephew and for this first cousin's brother (who he is also very close to). But other than that, he agrees with me and we do not give 'cover your plate'.

Only thing that makes it palitable is that we are doing this THING for VERY close family only. So it really is relationship based. But still.

Okay. I'm off the soap box and off this thread. I'm feel too strongly for this and feel like I'm dominiating the thread. My apologies Musey.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/13/2007 12:51:07 PM
Author: Gypsy

Okay. I''m off the soap box and off this thread. I''m feel too strongly for this and feel like I''m dominiating the thread. My apologies Musey.

No apologies are necessary! That''s what the thread is for--for everyone to share their opinion on the subject.

 

[gtn]

I was raised on the West Coast and that is the rule that I was taught. Of course this does not hold true any more as the wedding business is so expensive. People used to be able to do that. For good friends and family, I cover the cost of my plate even if it cost me more than I want to spare, for people I am not as close to, I will give what I want. Knowing how expensive weddings are, I try to make it up to the people getting married. Of course, I was also raised with the tradition of giving money as opposed to a gift for weddings.

I have to tell you , it is whole lot cheaper to give a gift.

Just as an aside, I think you provide your guest a service when you register, my friend did not register anywhere and got these gifts that she did not know what to do with it. Also, if you register for gifts and don''t receive them, some places will allow you to buy it at a 10% discount so that is incentive enough to register if you plan to buy an item down the line (i.e. the all-clad copper core pot and pan set... 10% can save you $100 on a set)

 

[little miss sunshine]

Musey -

I also read another thread about this recently and I find the controversy fascinating! I am from the NJ area and while I never heard the expression before PS, I am familiar with the concept. I haven''t been to many weddings as an adult, but my mom has been going to weddings of co-workers/friends and WILL look up the venue info but not necessarily use it to decide on an appropriate gift. She looks the at the venue''s website and will check out pricing info if it''s up or she might just know by the name of the place the approx. price tag of the wedding.

I think the amount of money you spend should depend MORE on how much you can afford and how well you know the couple. BUT I can see the "paying for your plate" situation coming into play if you are invited to a black tie wedding versus a backyard reception. I wouldn''t wear the same outfit to both weddings or expect the same type of atmosphere. i KNOW the black tie wedding is costing a LOT more than the smaller, less formal affair. I personally wouldn''t be able to afford giving MORE to the couple having the expensive wedding, so for me it wouldn''t really be an issue.

However, I would bet the average wedding gift at the black tie wedding would be much higher than the average at the backyard reception for 2 reasons - 1 : the "paying for your plate" rule people might feel obliged to abide by and 2 : sometimes, not always, the pricetag of the wedding correlates with the income of the family and their social circle. Here is where I think the "paying for your plate" becomes almost like a status thing. People don''t want to be considered cheap and give the smallest gift. It''s not as much of an issue at smaller, more casual wedding as it is at a four seasons/black tie wedding where everyone is dressed in designer evening wear...

Sometimes I wish that I lived in an area where I could be shocked and appalled by such a greedy mentality but, oh well... just my 2 cents.