Do I tell my parents I and BF are going to live together? Or not?

[somethingshiny]

My view is simple.

Lying-bad
Truth-good

And, if you''re not comfortable with how your family acts/reacts, now is the time to set forth a new standard. Do you want to be debating this for the rest of your life? During TTC? During childbirth? Raising children?

To me, it sounds like the best option is to put everything out in the open and break the cycle. Start your "new" life the way you want to LIVE your life.

 

[JulieN]

So I talked to BF, and we decided we''d cross this bridge (my parents) when we actually get to it come September.

I really appreciate the responses that recognized different cases of family relationships. I don''t know if my mom is going to throw the "you''ve shamed your family" thing she did when I was 18 (and snuck out in the middle of the night...)

They live far enough away not to surprise-visit me.

My parents are not the type who are "we disagree with you, but that is ok." It is: "We disagree with you, and our decision is final. You will do as we say." They wouldn''t even think about cutting me off for disobeying because, to them, a child should NEVER disobey.

My mom''s cousin, probably 10-15 years older than me, married without telling her parents. She married her friend''s father, so of course there would have been substantial ....discord. She is more or less distanced (though not estranged) from the family, as I''ve seen her twice in the past 10 years (once at her brother''s wedding.)

 

[diamondfan]

Julie, I do not presume to know all the details of your parents ways. They might be totally unreasonable and off the wall. However, I just think it is not right to take their money and lie, knowing they would not approve. You can do whatever you wish. I could not take their money knowing I was lying to them. I would figure something else out. I am NOT saying I think they are right or that money should EVER be used as a tool against someone. Trust me, my mom did the same to me. But I still had to be honest, for my own integrity. I also learned that that is not something I will do to my kids. You are entitled to live your life as you wish. They are not living your life for you. They are allowed to have their feelings. You might even say to them, Hey, based on how you have acted and reacted in the past, and the fact that I know you might threaten me with cutting me off, I was tempted to lie to you. Is this what you what to happen in our relationship? I respect your views. You raised me well. But you must allow me to make the choices in MY life that work for me. Without judgment or punitive actions. Otherwise you will only drive me away.

I mean, if you would be okay with your kid doing that to you in the future, I guess do it. But I would have to live with myself and I could not. I would rather throw the gauntlet down now and stop this stuff, or distance myself. But I would be true to what worked for me.

 

[sunnyd]

I think it''s good that you''re telling them Julie. I know my parents would absolutely not pay for me to live with my boyfriend. I know. I asked. It would have been cheaper than what they were paying for room and board at school, so I thought it would be a no brainer, right? But their exact words were, if you want to make an adult decision like that, you''re gonna have to pay your own way. I know that''s not the same situation, but thought I''d throw it out there anyway. Good luck with the talk!

 

[FrekeChild]

My parents are very very religious Catholics. However they are also very very liberal politically and socially(I know, I know-that doesn't make much sense put together). After BF had surgery he had a ton of medical bills he had to pay. When my mom found out how much he was having to pay (original bills were over $100,000) as a poor graduate student SHE suggested to ME that he move in with me into the condo MY PARENTS own. Talk about a shocker. They totally surprised me with how ok they were with it. They still act a bit odd when they come over here, but all in all, I know that they are happy with their decision. He officially "rents out the other bedroom" but everyone knows we sleep in the same bed. So not only are they paying for me to live with him, but also for him to live with me. He was paying "rent" for a while but got sick and was missing work as well as paying for doctors visits for a while and my mom took pity on him and told him that she wouldn't accept his checks for a while until he got back on his feet.

You never answered how old you are, and I'm also curious as to how long you've been together?

I'd tell them what you're planning on doing, and if possible that you're going to have separate rooms or whatever would make them more comfortable with the idea. Living together doesn't always mean "living in sin" sometimes it means "sharing the bills and a roof with a significant other".

Hmmm...and as a side note, my mom is really pushing us to get engaged/married ASAP.

 

[anchor31]

Honesty is really the most important thing when it comes to family.

I was concerned that my parents would be upset when I told them then-BF and I were thinking about getting engaged (I was 21), but they were really happy for us... I was also worried about telling them we''d decided to move in together during our engagement (they also help me with rent), but they were ok with it and didn''t pull the $$ (although they wll once I''m married in 3 months of course!).

My point is... They might surprise you! But I do believe you should tell them, especially if money is involved. Whether we like it of not, it is their money, and what they do with it is their decision.

 

[Gypsy]

Okay. So I very much agree with DF's posts through out this thread.

I would, if I could, stop taking money from the parents. Tell them the truth, let the chips call as they may. I WOULD be in the depressed, guilty camp if I took their money AND lied about it. It would hurt me, and would not be worth it.

 

[somethingshiny]

Okay, I've been thinking about this for a while now. And here are some random thoughts on the subject.

Obviously you're not happy living in a way that causes your parents displeasure. But, you're sure that this housing situation is what's best for you and BF. If you're adult enough to make that HUGE decision (and it is huge), then you should be adult enough to tell your parents, and what's more to tell them that things need to change. Don't start your life by complicating it. It's very easy to say, "I understand your feelings on marriage,living together, whatever and I respect you and your feelings. However, my feelings are such and such. I don't want you to be disappointed and I'm not doing it to upset you. I want you to know that you raised me right and I trust my feelings on this matter. And luckily, I know if I screw it up, you'll still be there for me." There comes a time for everyone to decide what's right for them. The question is, are you going to do it now or later?

And, another floating thought of mine is the financial thing. It never crosses my mind that someone's parents would still contribute financially once the child no longer had residence with them, so it's new to me. My folks weren't financially responsible for me when I lived with them, let alone when I left. So, I understand this to be a great service to you. But, I also see it as a way for them to keep you under their thumb, and inasmuch, controlling the different aspects of your life. You cannot be an adult unless you take every responsibility upon yourself. Living as you have, it may take steps. First financially then morally (or whatever the issue with living with BF is). Maybe your parents would give you more respect if you managed on your own.

Please don't take offense to any of this. I'm genuinely concerned and I'm trying to help. I think the way you start your life will affect you for all of your days.


et change-cybersitter removed the word adult, so I had to repost. sorry

 

[laine]

Ok, I'm making assumptions here, so please correct me if I'm wrong. You said your parents are supporting you financially, and you haven't answered the age question, so I'm going to assume that you're in college, which probably means you're pretty young. You're afraid to tell your parents (and aren't telling us your age) because you think the response from all of us will be that you're too young and it isn't a good idea, particularly while you are in school. You are worried that your parents may have real, valid objections, and you don't want to face them.

You didn't ask our opinions on the living together thing, but I'm gonna give it anyway: I don't think its appropriate while you're in school supported by your parents, especially for them to pay for an apartment when they don't know or approve of the situation. And this is coming from someone young (2 who has now lived with 2 boyfriends. I have no problem with the cohabitation thing, I just don't think its right in this situation. I think its best to tell your parents in general--thats a really big lie/secret to keep in general, but to let them pay for and not tell just seems very inappropriate to me.

Now, if I'm wrong about all of this: if you're out of college, getting a little financial help while you get on your feet, or do humanitarian work for a pittance, or are in med school or whatever, and your parents are super conservative and would disown you if they knew, I would probably change my response. However, I don't think thats the case. I think that you know this plan is not the best idea and a little dishonest, and that you probably shouldn't go through with it (either the living together or the not telling part or both).

ETA: Please don't take offense at this! I realize it probably is a little blunt, but I mean it in a "looking out for you" sort of way, not a rude way, I promise.

 

[JulieN]

FrekeChild and laine: I''m 22, still in school.

Being young doesn''t bother me. If someone told me that I''m too young to be living with a boyfriend, I know it''s their opinion, probably coming from their own experience, and it''s just friendly advice, trying to be helpful.

I never really thought that accepting money from them and not telling them was a problem. I''m not taking more money from them. Also, they don''t pay for my housing. They pay for my car/health insurance, maybe a few bits here and there, but not for the majority of my upkeep.

 

[laine]

Thanks for responding Julie. You aren''t as young as I worried you might be, and are less dependent on your parents than I thought. It doesn''t seem quite as bad to go against their wishes on living arrangements if they aren''t paying for said living arrangements. (Though I think you should still be prepared for them to cut financial help, just in case)

That said, I still agree with those who said if you''re adult enough to do it, you should be adult enough to tell your parents.

On the other hand, we don''t know your parents, while your sister does. Is she older or younger? How much do you trust her judgment?

Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

[diamondfan]

Again, I do not know how your parents react to things in life. Most parents are a wee bit controlling. I think if you just really want to live with him, and know this is what you want to do, you need to bite the bullet and approach them. Put it out there. They help you in a smaller but still helpful way than paying your rent, and you can present your view to them and tell them that you want to have an open and honest relationship. That you want to be able to have conversations with them that are real, and not just stuff they want you to say. You are allowed your own life and your own views. If they simply cannot accept it, you have a tough choice to make, but you should always live your life in the way you feel good about. And to me, being honest is a part of that. Sort of, this is who I am, I want you in my life and I want to have a good relationship, but I am not a child any longer and you have to let me live my life.

Otherwise, all they will really manage to do is create scenarios where you are not honest with them, and then, what type of relationship is that?