Do I tell my parents I and BF are going to live together? Or not?

[JulieN]

My sister said no. I agree with her. I don''t want to. But I also think there''s something fundamentally wrong with not letting one''s parents know one''s place of residence. If I tell them I''m moving, they''ll ask me who my flat/roommates are.

My parents have tried to break up a past relationship before. Grr.

Would you rather your hypothetical or real kid tell you where she was living, and lie about with whom? Or where she was living and with her bf? Or rather not know at all if it''s with her bf?

 

[diamondfan]

I think if you are adult enough to do it, you need to be adult enough to tell them. If you are on your own and self supporting, they do not have to like it or approve, but you should at least let them know. Tell them you are letting them know as a courtesy and out of respect and that you understand their view if they do not approve, but that you are making your life choices as they seem right to you. Plus, no offense intended, not all things work out, marriages too, so if this is something you need and want to do with your man, you should. You cannot please all people all of the time, and while yes, they are your folks, you need to live your life on your terms. Just be calm and mature about it and I am sure it will be fine.

 

[oobiecoo]

I sat down with my parents and basically asked for their blessing. I explained that it worked out financially and they knew I was having terrible luck with crazy roommates. I think it really helped that they were expecting my bf to propose soon. They knew I wasn''t just shacking up with "flavor of the month". We did say we were going to have seperate rooms though.

I think you definitely need to tell them. They''ll find out eventually. Do they still support you financially? If so, you owe them honesty at least.

 

[miraclesrule]

I agree with diamond fan. You are trying to demonstrate your ability to make adult decisions, not demonstrate your choice to be deceptive. That would probably break your parents heart more than the decision to live with your BF. I know it would break my heart more. Trust is more fragile than a difference of opinion....IMO

 

[Kayakqueen83]

I am one that believes that if you cannot be open and honest about your life then you are not 100% sure of your own personal decisions. I know having to deal with a family that may not see your point of view is difficult, but what it comes down to is: It is your life. You have to live it. People are going to tell you their opinions on your decisions for the rest of your life. (unfortunately)It will either be you moving in with your boyfriend or how you cut your hair or how to raise your children. If you cannot stand up for your decisions now then what is going to make you do it in the future? If you think it is the right decision then go for it! Listen to what your family says because they know you quite well, but after digesting their thoughts, do what you think is best for you. Be prepared that you may be wrong in your families eyes but in the end if you know you are doing the right thing for you it will be much easier to deal with.

I would go against not telling your parents about the move. It''s almost as if you are acting like what you are doing is wrong. Not a good vibe you want to give the man that you love.

I hope my opinion helped you, I don''t know your situation but I''ve been there before (going against what my family wanted) It''s not easy and the first time I did what I wanted I seriously made the wrong choice. It wouldn''t have happened if I would have listened to my parents. But I learned a lot from having to deal with my choices. It never is that difficult if you know you were rational (in your eyes at least) to begin with.

Good luck to you!

 

[JulieN]

I should say, they do support me financially.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 4/23/2008 9:20:58 PM
Author: diamondfan
I think if you are adult enough to do it, you need to be adult enough to tell them. If you are on your own and self supporting, they do not have to like it or approve, but you should at least let them know. Tell them you are letting them know as a courtesy and out of respect and that you understand their view if they do not approve, but that you are making your life choices as they seem right to you. Plus, no offense intended, not all things work out, marriages too, so if this is something you need and want to do with your man, you should. You cannot please all people all of the time, and while yes, they are your folks, you need to live your life on your terms. Just be calm and mature about it and I am sure it will be fine.

Good advice! But you need to be prepared for the fact that they COULD pull your $. Not nice, but they might do it if they really want to break you guys up.

 

[blondie23]

DITTO to diamond fan...if you believe you''re adult enough to live your life as you see fit (i.e living with your bf) then you need to be adult enough to be honest with your family despite their reactions...money or no money

 

[JulieN]

DF and everyone who agrees with her: I still feel like a kid.

HE still feels like a kid, and he's a bit older than me.

It's scary to say "I'm an adult." I accept responsibility for all of my actions. But it's still scary. I don't know, maybe that feeling never goes away, though.

 

[diamondfan]

Ahh, the finances change it all. My mom used the money against me time and again. Well, if they DO threaten the removal of support, you have three options. You could let them dominate you and give in. You could figure out a way to do it without their support. Or, you could convince them that financial blackmail is NOT cool and not a way to run a relationship. That even if they manage to prevent you in the immediate future from doing it, the long term consequences to holding money over your head as a means to controlling your actions are not good. I would say that using money to get people to do things or not do them as you want, is not fair or respectful. I would be calm, no matter what, if they do try to pull the financial rug out. Show them they should still honor their financial commitment even if you are embarking on something they do not fully support. But know they might tell you, okay, but no money.

If you both feel like a kid, that is an issue. Why are you deciding to do this? Are you both really ready? What are the pros and cons, the benefits or risks in doing this? I think you need to be clear on that before you do this, just mho.

I would respect my child more if she sat me down and showed me her thinking on this matter was clear and logical, even if I did not agree. I might not be thrilled but at least it would honest and mature. If I found out later she lied, it would do damage to our relationship going forward. A parent always love a child, but lies are one thing when you do not want to admit you at the last cookies in the jar, they are not really great when you are an adult and trying to show your parents that. Lying would only reinforce that you feel it is wrong.

 

[Kaleigh]

My kids would tell me, they know I would find out anyway. If my daughter wanted to live with her BF down the road, and he's a good guy, I wouldn't have a problem with it. How close are you with your parents, guessing this won't fly with them.

I really don't like lying, it's something you'll get caught for, and then be in bigger trouble. I always say to my kids, and by kids, they are 20 and 18, tell me the truth, cause if I find out afterwards you lied, there will be heck to pay.

This is hard, but best to handle it straight on, than dealing with a secret. If you make the choice to live with him and your parents don't support that, well that's on them. You are an adult, making adult decisions.

As far as money is concerned, that's tough. But as long as they pay, there are ties. That's the worst part....

I'd get out from under their apron strings and do it on your own if at all possible. That will be your saving grace.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 4/23/2008 9:51:40 PM
Author: diamondfan
Ahh, the finances change it all. My mom used the money against me time and again. Well, if they DO threaten the removal of support, you have three options. You could let them dominate you and give in. You could figure out a way to do it without their support. Or, you could convince them that financial blackmail is NOT cool and not a way to run a relationship. That even if they manage to prevent you in the immediate future from doing it, the long term consequences to holding money over your head as a means to controlling your actions are not good. I would be calm, no matter what, if they do try to pull the financial rug out.


If you both feel like a kid, that is an issue. Why are you deciding to do this? Are you both really ready? What are the pros and cons, the benefits or risks in doing this? I think you need to be clear on that before you do this, just mho.

We''re ready. I already live with him, I just happen to have a bed/toothbrush/etc at a second apartment. Later, I will move whatever miscellaneous things to his place. Financially, there''s no good reason to pay rent for two places. I''m ok with this if it doesn''t work out, and I''m ok with it if it does.

If they don''t agree, well, I don''t know about that, yet. These bones are way too old to be arguing with my parents.

 

[diamondfan]

Do they know that?

I am not in the tell your parents your every thought and action camp, but this is something I think warrants discussion.

Hopefully they will put their issues aside and support your choice. There are not any guarantees in life about what will work and what will not...if you want to try it I think it is worth doing.

 

[mimzy]

you absolutely should not try to keep this from them - it would be totally disrespectful and a proverbial slap in the face since they are still paying for you. i agree with kayakqueen and diamondfan, and when you go to talk to them you really need to be prepared. whatever you do, try not to get overly emotional or angry, as it probably won''t help your case if you throw a tantrum

. you might also want to have your boyfriend on call in case your parents want to bring him into it (after all, it''s not just you!).

good luck!

 

[Elmorton]

One of my friends went through this recently - luckily her brother had moved across the country a month before (to where his girlfriend lived) and never spoke about finding living arrangements. It was less of a blow, and I think my friend had a much easier time being straightforward than had she tried to deceive. Her parents took it really well.

Honestly, I had the exact opposite problem, because my parents are sortof the ex-hippie type. They were concerned that DH and I DIDN''T live together before we were married (well, we lived together for the month before tying the knot). They got a lot of flack from their parents about living together, but felt that it was an important step before they got married - and they''ve been married more than 30 years.

I can relate to what you said in your post - DH and I too sometimes feel like little kids with "big kid" roles. I don''t think that the fact you said that was a big warning sign or something, but do tread carefully. I think living on our own first was an extremely important step for us. For me, even when I was "living on my own", my parents were supporting me. While I''m glad we got married when we did, I DO wish that I known what it''s like to truly support myself before getting married. I went from having my parents'' safety net to having DH as my safety net, sometimes I really resent that. I agree that you should be honest with your parents, but also respect them if they decide to pull financial support.

What are your parents reasons for not wanting you to live together? Sometimes people have hard and fast values that they want their children to uphold, and it makes sense that hard and fast values don''t apply to every situation. But, living together is a huge step - if they have concerns about your relationship or whether you''re ready, that might be something to give you pause. For me, moving our things together and sharing expenses was definitely more of a "point of no return" than the actual "I Do."
If you have a gut instinct that now isn''t the time, then it''s important to follow that. But, if your heart is telling you that this is the right step in the progression of your relationship, then come clean with the ''rents and explain to them the significance of your relationship in your life.

 

[erica k]

i think i can maybe relate--

my case is a bit different than yours: my parents are extremely religious, rarely show physical affection towards one another, never gave me the birds and the bees talk, and never asked questions about my romantic life. i met my husband after college (he was still in school), and we basically lived together. my parents never asked, i never mentioned it. in fact, i never told them explicitly that we were dating. when i moved out east for grad school, my husband stayed behind to finish his undergrad degree. he moved out here right before he graduated and rented a small room. so basically he was living with me in my condo, and his parents knew this, but i never told my parents. when my parents asked where he lived, i told them he rented a room. not a lie, but not the whole truth. they support me financially, but i don''t think they would have stopped supporting me because i was living with my boyfriend. i just felt really awkward about the whole thing. it wasn''t like we were hiding our relationship. he would go home with me periodically for holidays or important events, but no one ever said anything about us. he was always just a ''friend.''

so, when i called them to say that he had proposed, i was a little surprised that they weren''t surprised. i don''t think we''re a repressed family, per se. taciturn is more like it. anyway, when we got married, i half-expected a talk about the ''big night.'' nope, nothing. i had a moment of paranoia and elation, thinking, ''they''ve known all along about us!'' and now when i mention to my mom that we''re starting to think about having children, she cautiously asks about things like birth control. am i on it? when will i have to go off of it? etc. it''s all pretty hilarious, but also kind of awkward. i know a lot of their silence comes from cultural differences, but i guess you could say i have a different perspective on these things. do i feel a bit guilty about everything? definitely. but then again, i was raised catholic! lol.

however, it sounds like your relationship with your parents is somewhat problematic. you mentioned that they tried to break up one of your relationships in the past. i think you should talk to them. are you afraid that they don''t approve of your relationship with your boyfriend? do they think that you aren''t mature enough to move in with him? regardless, it sounds like you need to have a serious discussion with them. otherwise, they might never accept that you''re an adult, and neither will you.

 

[Heidi137]

I would recommend telling your parents. If it were my daughter, I wouldn''t be pleased but I could accept it since she is now an adult and can make her own decisions. I would be even more upset if I were lied to about the situation.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/23/2008 9:31:13 PM
Author: miraclesrule
I agree with diamond fan. You are trying to demonstrate your ability to make adult decisions, not demonstrate your choice to be deceptive. That would probably break your parents heart more than the decision to live with your BF. I know it would break my heart more. Trust is more fragile than a difference of opinion....IMO

Ditto. Do not try to hide a decision as big as this, if they don''t agree that''s fine, but if you''re adult enough to make that decision then you can handle a little dissent.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Maybe I am the odd one out, but if you feel the need to hide it, maybe you should. I started dating my FI my first week of college and we more or less lived together on and off after that. I had just left for college which was a big adjustment. I was daddy''s little girl. I had a string of bad previous BFs. My parents weren''t ready to know I was sexually active and spending all my time with my FI. The knew him and knew we were dating. When we visited them we stayed in different rooms. A few months after we met, my mom pulled me aside to talk about bc pills. 2 months after that, she asked if we wanted to share a room when we visited. I am close to my parents, but they weren''t ready for all of it, so I let them lead and waited until they were. I had no problem with what I was doing, but I felt, and still do, that it was the best thing for my parents.

My FMIL didn''t know about a lot of what we do because she is nuts and even after 4 1/2 years she freaks out when we don''t so things to her exact requirements. We have stopped telling her a lot of things because she really does have a problem.

 

[cara]

Without the financial support, it depends on who you are and who your parents are. More in a minute. But with the financial support, I think you have a responsibility to be honest in how you are using their money, and to some extent you need to be proactively financially independent in order to live your live by your rules and not theirs. While it would and does suck for your parents to say "Live your life this way or we cut you off," they do have a right to say, "We find this life choice deeply immoral and don''t want our money supporting it." Long story short, if you want to live off their support, you owe them a certain deference and honesty.

The solution erica k found in her premarried life is perfectly acceptable *for some people* and you might consider it - rent a small closet for one of you to keep a toothbrush/hide in while the conservative ''rents visit. Parents never ask the right question, erica never offers information, and the "second room" is a polite fiction that enables everyone to live happily without outright lying. Works for some parents and adult children, particularly those parents that are not particularly close to their child and also would never dream about asking their kids if they were having sex, and children that feel OK keeping that aspect of their life private from their parents.

But some adult children have too close a relationship with their parents, such that they must more actively lie to preserve the illusions. Or their parents visit too frequently, or will ask the direct, probing questions to illicit the truth. Or it just doesn''t sit right with the child *not* to tell their parents - they would feel like they were living a lie.

For those, you must ''fess up. Or more bluntly, live your life openly and honestly and suffer the consequences.

For those that suggest that one must *always* tell the parents about such things, or else you are not adult enough/being deceptive/not up to handling dissent, I have to respectfully and sadly disagree. There are some parents for whom such news would rock them to the core and perhaps destroy or irrepairably harm the child''s relationship with them. It would be great if all parents could handle such news and express their disagreement and then move on (agreeing to disagree with their child''s decision), but some parents will:

-feel they have personally failed as parents, and as upstanding members of their community or religion
-be devastated that their child is going to hell
-blame the boyfriend for corrupting their virginal daughter, and never forgive him for it even after their later marriage and grandchildren
-feel morally and religiously obligated to disown their child

I have seen some of these reactions from my friends'' parents in various situations, and came to realize that "oh just be honest with them and let the chips fall where they may" was specific to my upbringing and values, and I wasn''t really prepared to walk in their shoes with that approach. Some children might properly choose a bit of deception regarding their personal life in order to maintain a cordial and respectful relationship with their parents - who am I to tell them they must "live honestly" if it means inflicting huge pain on their parents and risking an estrangement.

On the other hand, I would probably feel OK hiding certain things from my parents if I thought they would be so judgmental and hurt. But a different friend was so wracked by guilt and depressed by lying (by omission) to her very conservative parents that she has decided to tell them. I am wishing her the best outcome, but we shall see...

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Things of this nature and magnitude tend to come out over time. It would be far too hard to keep up a lie of that sort for long at all. Do your parents live near you, at all? Do they ever visit you where you live now? I just think in the long run, the road of less sorrow and pain is that of being honest to begin with.

 

[WTNLVR]

Can I ask how old you are? This does have some bearing on things. Are you still in school? Are your parents helping you out financially because you are in school and not yet working? The other big question is would they find out if you lied? Are they close by or on the other side of the country. I know a couple who have been living together for years and never told the parents. They are young and still in school. The parents aren''t close by and they apparently have no idea. I''m not advocating this route, but it has been done. I do think they would pull financial support if they find out. I think I would as a parent. Living as a couple is much different as a roomate. A couiple should be financially independant, especially adults. If your 30 years old in this situation it is much different than if you are 19. Just my opinion.

 

[UCLABelle]

I also agree with Diamondfan. Fortunately, I had no problem telling my parents (whom actually encouraged it when we moved to NYC)....we have been living together ever since.

 

[LegacyGirl]

This thread (esp the story about Erica K) reminds me of this joke:

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn''t help noticing how beautiful John''s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom''s thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I''ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don''t suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I''ll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I''m not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I''m not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I''m not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I''m not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day...Don''t Lie To Your Mother.

 

[mimzy]

Legacy - that is AMAZING

 

[Delster]

My Nana used to tell that joke

JulieN - I like cara''s advice. Hope you get it all worked out

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

You have my sympathy Julie, I've been in your situation too. You could always make 2 lists- what's to be gained by telling them, v what harm it may do (to you and them, in both lists)

On balance, will telling them have greater or lesser potential to hurt them and you over time? There are some things that some people would rather turn a blind eye to than confront outright. Knowing your daughter is sexually active and being sat down and told this are two different things. Other people would want to know. You know your parents, we don't so really, only you can tell what is going to be best all round. Telling them because they need to know v telling them for the sake of it, to over simplify.

You've made your decision to live with BF (and I hope you'll be really happy together and enjoy this change in your lives). Your parents' views haven't prevented you taking that decision. So, you need to manage the situation now to cause least hurt and least long term damage.


In my situation, I did tell my parents that I was living with my now DH. In context, we have had a terrible relationship for many, many years and there is a lot of anger on both sides. I grew up in a rather unhappy and at times violent home.

I hate to admit this (and to be honest, I've never admitted it even to myself before) but at the time, I knew how horrified they would be and I told them gleefully, to annoy, to hurt and to get my own back for things that shouldn't have happened. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. They hated the situation, their loss of control and my independence. They were also mortally embarassed to let their friends know I was living in sin. It was the worst thing I could have done. That was all factored in to my decision making in telling them. I acted out of cruelty, not for the best or to be adult about it. Whatever they did to me though, it was the wrong way for me to behave. It is not something I'm proud of and it's that memory that makes me urge caution around telling your parents until you're very clear on the reasoning and the likely fall out.

I don't know if that perspective is of any help to you, but I wish you luck whatever you decide to do.

Jen

ETA my mother is virtually phobic about 'living in sin.' I decided not to change my name when I got married and she actually cried about that when I told her, because people might not realise I'm married. She used to address mail to me by 'my' married name, because she didn't want the postal service to think I was living in sin. DH and I decided that our baby would take my name (for a variety of reasons not relevant here). When my mother asked about that, I told her. She has not spoken to me since (months ago now). Your parents' views may be a little more flexible!

 

[erica k]

what a great joke!

at any rate, i think you know your parents best, so you have to consider the consequences of telling them. it might be a case (which i''m guessing, but obviously don''t know) that they exert a certain level of power and control over you (which you may or may not feel resentful about), which in turn reasserts a familial hierarchy. if you think that by calmly telling them about your decision, this will demonstrate your level of maturity and independence in a convincing manner, then you could do so. if you think their reaction will be extremely negative, then you can either live with that or avoid the possibility by not telling them.

the outcome depends on so many things, and i think cara says it really well. for me it was a no-brainer. i knew i was making the right decision by living with my bf/fiance, and i also knew that there was no point in telling my parents. i didn''t feel like i was living a lie, and they may or may not have been aware of what was going on. it didn''t hurt that we live on opposite coasts and rarely talk to each other. sure, there''s guilt, but like i said, i feel guilt about everything! i know myself well enough to realize that the guilt i felt about living with my now-husband wasn''t out of the ordinary. plus, it was more than easy to avoid the issue. it sounds like it won''t be for you, though. tough choices, and there really isn''t a best or only way to do things.

 

[swingirl]

I haven''t read all the posts so this might already be addressed but consider your parents'' continued financial support and how they will feel about paying for you to live with your boyfriend. What will be expected of you as far as finances go? Will he expect you to split the rent and bills? Since he is a bit older that you is it safe to say he is more financially set than you are?

 

[JulieN]

Date: 4/23/2008 10:33:00 PM
Author: erica k
i think i can maybe relate--

my case is a bit different than yours: my parents are extremely religious, rarely show physical affection towards one another, never gave me the birds and the bees talk, and never asked questions about my romantic life. i met my husband after college (he was still in school), and we basically lived together. my parents never asked, i never mentioned it. in fact, i never told them explicitly that we were dating. when i moved out east for grad school, my husband stayed behind to finish his undergrad degree. he moved out here right before he graduated and rented a small room. so basically he was living with me in my condo, and his parents knew this, but i never told my parents. when my parents asked where he lived, i told them he rented a room. not a lie, but not the whole truth. they support me financially, but i don''t think they would have stopped supporting me because i was living with my boyfriend. i just felt really awkward about the whole thing. it wasn''t like we were hiding our relationship. he would go home with me periodically for holidays or important events, but no one ever said anything about us. he was always just a ''friend.''

so, when i called them to say that he had proposed, i was a little surprised that they weren''t surprised. i don''t think we''re a repressed family, per se. taciturn is more like it. anyway, when we got married, i half-expected a talk about the ''big night.'' nope, nothing. i had a moment of paranoia and elation, thinking, ''they''ve known all along about us!'' and now when i mention to my mom that we''re starting to think about having children, she cautiously asks about things like birth control. am i on it? when will i have to go off of it? etc. it''s all pretty hilarious, but also kind of awkward. i know a lot of their silence comes from cultural differences, but i guess you could say i have a different perspective on these things. do i feel a bit guilty about everything? definitely. but then again, i was raised catholic! lol.

This is just like how my family operates. My parents don''t like "boyfriend," either. It''s always "your friend." I sound like a more problematic daughter than you were.