LiW do exes make you jealous?

[CNOS128]

Generally, I''m pretty secure in my relationship (BF says that''s part of why he likes me). But when one of his exes called yesterday morning out of the blue, it kind of bothered me. And the fact that I was bothered also bothered me!

I didn''t react (outwardly) or say anything to him, but I was secretly glad when he didn''t call her back (he will eventually, of course, because he''s that polite). Of course, he''s amazing and made it a point to tell me that he hadn''t spoken to her in years and had no interest in speaking to her.

I''m totally over feeling weird by now; I''m more intrigued than anything else, because BF is pretty private about his love life and I''ve never heard anything about this woman. Of course, I''ll respect his privacy and let him tell me when/what he deems appropriate.

I just wish that my reaction could have been, "Hey, cool, his ex called," instead of "Hmm, why is she calling? What does she want?!" Or would the latter have been a strange reaction?

 

[Pandora II]

I think it's a pretty natural reaction.

I've never been in the position myself - I'm FI's first girlfriend who lasted more than 3 weeks. With my ex's, none of them had former gf's that they were still in contact with.

However, I kept in touch with 3 out of my 4 'serious' ex's and their new gf/wives used to go nuts when we called each other.

To be honest, one of them owes me - I convinced him to propose, and bollocked him when I thought he was out of line on things. I was always more of a replacement mother (his own shot herself when he was 14) than a girlfriend..

Many years ago I learnt that feeling jealous or insecure over 'other women' only hurt one person - me. Since then I made a conscious effort to remember that and that "insert name here" was with me by choice. It was tough at first, but now it's easy.

The really important thing is that he doesn't hide it from you.

 

[Haven]

Exes never bother me with my current FI, he''s still in contact with one who is married now with a child and we''ve socialized with them several times. However, when MY ex spoke with HIS exes when we were together it bothered me immensely, but that''s because I didn''t trust my ex.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 3/23/2008 11:59:21 AM
Author:TheBigT

Generally, I''m pretty secure in my relationship (BF says that''s part of why he likes me). But when one of his exes called yesterday morning out of the blue, it kind of bothered me. And the fact that I was bothered also bothered me!

I didn''t react (outwardly) or say anything to him, but I was secretly glad when he didn''t call her back (he will eventually, of course, because he''s that polite). Of course, he''s amazing and made it a point to tell me that he hadn''t spoken to her in years and had no interest in speaking to her.

I''m totally over feeling weird by now; I''m more intrigued than anything else, because BF is pretty private about his love life and I''ve never heard anything about this woman. Of course, I''ll respect his privacy and let him tell me when/what he deems appropriate.

I just wish that my reaction could have been, ''Hey, cool, his ex called,'' instead of ''Hmm, why is she calling? What does she want?!'' Or would the latter have been a strange reaction?

No, I think it''s natural. I don''t "stay friends" with my exes. In my viewpoint, exes are exes for a reason. I don''t think it''s healthy to stay friends with adult exes. When you''re a young teen, your relationships aren''t as serious or loaded, so it''s not wrong to be friends as an adult with your 5th grade "boyfriend." But exes I had past the age of 18? Nope. As my counselor said to me one time, "Once you mix sex in with friendship, it''s extremely difficult to go back to just being platonic friends."

I have to deal with my BF''s ex and what she does all the time, and frankly, I hate it. I''m not an angry person or a grudge-holder, but just the mere mention of her name makes my blood boil. Everytime she calls the house and I''m there, I think, "What the hell does she want now?" Because it''s always something - either she calls to bitch at my BF or she''s calling to mess with their daughter''s head. I''m not jealous as much as I am ticked off at her. He has to have somewhat of a communication line with her because their daughter is still under 18 and he hasn''t yet addressed her lack of responsible parenting in court yet (the courts are soooo sloooow to get you on the calendar). If I have any jealousy, it''s that that woman spent 20 years with my BF....being dysfunctional, addicted, mentally unbalanced and basically ruining his dreams. I have said to him many times that I have no idea why or how he spent that long with someone that obviously toxic. And because of this, my BF (it''s unconscious on his part, but he''s begun to see it once I started pointing it out to him) measures me by her example. As I posted before, normal things (being angry, occasionally having a bit too much to drink, being confused with something and getting upset) take on different dimensions in my relationship - solely because his benchmark for those things is so extreme. And yes, we''re working through it slowly. But to answer the question, if his ex calls, a little voice in my mind screams, "THANKS A LOT FOR THE BAGGAGE, LADY!" I could possibly stop being ticked at her if she got help for her issues, started being a good mom to her daughter and somehow exited my BF''s memory a''la Sunshine of the Spotless Mind...but we know that ain''t happening any time soon.

I also know that my ex had girlfriends before his ex and after his ex/before me. He has one that lives in Georgia and she called one time just to see how he was doing. That didn''t make me feel jealous or threatened because a) he has not seen her F2F in over 10 years and b) she''s married with kids and c) there''s very little possibility that they could hook up without being seen/known, given the distance. I''m not the jealous type generally and won''t get or feel jealous unless I have obvious cause.

Bridget in Connecticut..

 

[sunnyd]

I feel ya T. I don''t know what is wrong with me, but I have serious issues with my BF''s ex!!! I don''t know why. Their relationship ended 3 years ago when she cheated on him. But they stayed in contact because he''s too nice to cut her off. I say that because she allllllways needs him for something...she''ll call every once in awhile (he doesn''t answer) or send a text basically warning that she might kill herself because they don''t talk anymore.

I think it''s all for attention, because she''s the kind of person who puts up half naked pics of herself on myspace and has 2353 "friends" (random guys).

Ack!! Anyway, yeah it bothers me that they still are in contact, and I can''t really even explain why! He doesn''t talk to her, doesn''t want to talk to her, but she''s always looming. And I hate it. It''s so irrational, because I know he wants to be with me. I just wish he would talk trash about her every so often... hahaha.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 3/24/2008 11:49:16 AM
Author: sunnyd

I feel ya T. I don''t know what is wrong with me, but I have serious issues with my BF''s ex!!! I don''t know why. Their relationship ended 3 years ago when she cheated on him. But they stayed in contact because he''s too nice to cut her off. I say that because she allllllways needs him for something...she''ll call every once in awhile (he doesn''t answer) or send a text basically warning that she might kill herself because they don''t talk anymore.

I think it''s all for attention, because she''s the kind of person who puts up half naked pics of herself on myspace and has 2353 ''friends'' (random guys).

Ack!! Anyway, yeah it bothers me that they still are in contact, and I can''t really even explain why! He doesn''t talk to her, doesn''t want to talk to her, but she''s always looming. And I hate it. It''s so irrational, because I know he wants to be with me. I just wish he would talk trash about her every so often... hahaha.

Please don''t take this the wrong way (I don''t mean to sound harsh), but you''re having issues because your BF won''t cut her off. Any time that gets spent attending to this ex''s issues/pleas for help = that much less time that goes into your relationship. You can block numbers from your phone and text messaging. And some guys are too nice for their own good. I know alllllll about guys who are "too nice" -- because I''m with one.

Not to thread-jack -- just adding personal experience to see if you see a similar pattern -- This reminds me of conversations I''ve had with my BF concerning his ex. I have asked him why he stayed in a toxic relationship with that woman for as long as he did, as well as why he''s taken sooooo long to take her back to court. His answers are usually in the area of "she''s fragile....she threatened to kill herself anytime I tried to leave," and ,"I believe in taking the high road. Just because she misbehaves doesn''t give me the right to crucify her. She has a lot of issues and I would be an @**hole to kick someone while they''re down." and the all-time favorite "she wasn''t always that bad."

You''re feeling "irrational," I think, because you''re looking at a male thought process with a female mindset. I don''t know about you, but if I have a job that sucks, or a friend that''s taking advantage of me, I have no problem getting out of it and walking away without guilt. Not to generalize, but men don''t think this way. They want to "rescue" and solve issues. Again, talking about women, we can easily recognize when another woman is trying to take advantage of us (like - if we have a girlfriend who only calls us when she''s a) got a problem and b) none of her "A-list" friends are available). But when a woman tries to manipulate a man, 99 times out of 100, a man will never see it. A lot of men are victims to "helpless" female behavior - ie, crying, appeaing fragile, needing help. I''m not sure why this is -- but I know a lot of men (friends, co-workers) who are married to or who date women who behave like your BF''s ex. They will ignore flagrantly bad behavior and red flags like cheating rather than confront the issue.

If it really bothers you, point it out to him and ask him to block her numbers so that the calls and texts no longer come in. You can''t stop a man from thinking like a man and responding to pleas for help (however bogus they are), but you can ask that he make those calls stop. And he shouldn''t have an issue with it if he truly doesn''t want to hear from her.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[nebe]

P talks to his most recent ex and I HATE it. It bugs the crap out of me but she''s "part of [his] life." I wouldn''t mind if he spoke with his other exes, but he was under the impression that he would marry this one (K) until she dumped him three years ago, so it gets under my skin. I personally don''t talk to my serious ex, but I do have a best friend that''s male and it seems not to be a major problem for him. Maybe I''m just too jealous or something.

BAH.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 3/24/2008 1:07:55 PM
Author: nebe

P talks to his most recent ex and I HATE it. It bugs the crap out of me but she''s ''part of [his] life.'' I wouldn''t mind if he spoke with his other exes, but he was under the impression that he would marry this one (K) until she dumped him three years ago, so it gets under my skin. I personally don''t talk to my serious ex, but I do have a best friend that''s male and it seems not to be a major problem for him. Maybe I''m just too jealous or something.

BAH.

I have a few male friends, and they''re not threatening to my BF because I think he knows that there is no "threat." A symposis of my male friends:

1) One is gay and involved with another man for many years; never dated women
2) One is very overweight (400+ lbs) and is bipolar/schizophrenic
3) One is 10+ years older than me and has been married for 20+ years. Like a big brother & out of state

As far as the most recent ex, my BF has a female friend out of state that I never met and never calls. He did mention that he was interested in her and he couldn''t muster the courage to ask her out back in the day....and then they married other people and she moved away. About 8 or 9 months ago, he mentioned to me that he ran into the woman''s mother in a store, and the mother told him that she''d gotten divorced and was considering coming back to CT. He said that the mother said, "But you two would have made such a great couple....I heard you got divorced a while ago.....should I give you her number?" He told the mother that he wished her well, but no, because he was involved with someone (me). If he had in any way encouraged contact - even to allegedy "be a nice old friend and welcome her back to her home state," I would not only be livid, but I probably would walk. I''m not jealous, as I''d said.....but any hint of past history/interest = something possibly could happen. The fact that he told me about this in great detail reassured me that there wasn''t an issue.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[sunnyd]

Thanks Bridget. He doesn''t want to talk to her. You''re right, she is definitely trying to manipulate him to do something...and that''s what makes me mad. She attracts some really bad people, and he''s such a good person, such a positive influence that she just wants him to stick around.

He did remove her from his myspace friends list after I asked him to, but whenever she calls, instead of answering and saying "stop calling me you crazy @#$&*!!!" like I would do

he just lets it go to voicemail. She never leaves a message. I hope that the next time it happens, I get to his phone before he does...hehehe.

I''m sorry you have the wrong number!

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 3/24/2008 5:11:00 PM
Author: sunnyd

Thanks Bridget. He doesn't want to talk to her. You're right, she is definitely trying to manipulate him to do something...and that's what makes me mad. She attracts some really bad people, and he's such a good person, such a positive influence that she just wants him to stick around.

He did remove her from his myspace friends list after I asked him to, but whenever she calls, instead of answering and saying 'stop calling me you crazy @#$&*!!!' like I would do

he just lets it go to voicemail. She never leaves a message. I hope that the next time it happens, I get to his phone before he does...hehehe.

I'm sorry you have the wrong number!

You're welcome! I had to block the number of a guy who got stalker-like after I dumped him, which is why I know about this at all. Fortunately, I haven't had to do it lately.

If you want to block the number(s), look in your local phone book (usually in the first couple pages, where the provider explains the features they offer). It will be listed under Call Blocking and will tell you to punch in a code, such as *62 and then the 10-digit telephone number. You'll hear two beeps/tones, which mean the number is blocked. If a caller with a blocked number calls the phone, a phone company message will say something like, "Due to the subscriber's request, this number has been blocked from this system." My local provider is AT&T, and this is the page that explains call blocking: http://www.att.com/gen/general?pid=3491

Every phone company is different, but all landline companies and most cell companies offer Call Blocking. They have to as long as Bunny Boilers are allowed to roam freely and have phone access.

Bridget in Connecticut..

 

[sunnyd]

I wish I could block her number and not feel TOTALLY GUILTY about it!!! Haha. It's his cell phone; we don't have a landline. I know her ring tone though ('Welcome to the Jungle' - G&R

because she's nuts!) I would have no problem answering and telling her to go away! But that might perpetuate the circle of crazy.

 

[princesss]

I used to. BF has one particular ex who drove me batty, but that was his fault, and not hers. She was planning a trip to see him, and he refused to tell her that he had a girlfriend. When I finally made him tell her, I could hear her scream on the other side of the line (proving my suspicions about her feelings for him). But since then I''ve relaxed, and I really don''t care if he talks to his exes. He doesn''t like me talking about mine too often, but since I don''t see or talk to them anymore, it doesn''t happen anyways.

 

[dragonfly411]

I have a bit of experience with this but it was worse. My SO didn''t realize what was going on with his EX. She at first acted like she just wanted to remain friends with him, and would call now and then. Then it turned into constant calling. THEN she moved back into town. THEN she would come over to his mom''s house all the time and stay till someone forced her to leave, and THEN tried to convince his mom she had no where else to live so his mom would let her move in. He and I basically were staying together at this point so I was always there and completely trusted everything HE did. Once she started making the moves to come back around he realized what was happening. His mother unfortunately thinks she has to save every lost soul and that included said EX. She didn''t get the picture until the Ex stole money from her. Was I insecure about what my SO would do? Absolutely not, I know he wants me. Was I jealous of her? In ways. It wasnt so much a jealousy as I felt I always needed to be better than her lol.

I wouldn''t let it bother you too much though. If you know he wants you then that is what matters most, is that you two are secure and happy in your relationship. Said Ex has since disappeared and we are just as happy as larks. His was a situation where he was also too polite but I think he learned his lesson. He''s since changed his phone number and we''ve moved a couple of times so no way for her to track him down in the future really either.

I''m glad to know that you are able to get along with each other''s exes for the most part, that is a good thing. We both hate ours (not he hates mine and i hate his, but he hates his, I hate mine and we both hate each others'')

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

It does not bother me when my SO talks to his ex especially because I am still very good friends with my ex. Sometimes your relationship does not work on a romantic level but it can work on a friendship level. I could never see depriving my SO of a friendship and would be livid if he felt he could dictate my friends. The long and the short of it is that I have the utmost confidence in my relationship so friendships with exes as well as friendships with the opposite sex do not bother me at all. My SO and I are frequently together when we see our exes and it''s not uncomfortable in the least.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 3/23/2008 11:59:21 AM
Author:TheBigT
Generally, I''m pretty secure in my relationship (BF says that''s part of why he likes me). But when one of his exes called yesterday morning out of the blue, it kind of bothered me. And the fact that I was bothered also bothered me!

I didn''t react (outwardly) or say anything to him, but I was secretly glad when he didn''t call her back (he will eventually, of course, because he''s that polite). Of course, he''s amazing and made it a point to tell me that he hadn''t spoken to her in years and had no interest in speaking to her.

I''m totally over feeling weird by now; I''m more intrigued than anything else, because BF is pretty private about his love life and I''ve never heard anything about this woman. Of course, I''ll respect his privacy and let him tell me when/what he deems appropriate.

I just wish that my reaction could have been, ''Hey, cool, his ex called,'' instead of ''Hmm, why is she calling? What does she want?!'' Or would the latter have been a strange reaction?

Normal, normal, and normal. I am not a jealous person, but that doesn''t mean I don''t get a twinge here and there (and sometimes there and there and there).

Ya did good.

 

[CNOS128]

Thank you all for your understanding and responses. As much as I try to pretend that BF had no love life before me, I know he did (and actually, I like that he did. SOMEONE taught him to hang up delicates rather than toss them in the dryer).

The more I think about it, the more I know that he really does want to be with me only, and it would take a lot to destroy what we have. Hmm, a little perspective does a woman good.