Do bridesmaids need to buy a wedding gift?

[shinythings]

I''m a student and the maid of honor in my cousin''s wedding.

I am throwing her a shower and bachelorette party. Does proper etiquette say that I should also buy the couple a gift from their registry? What did you do when you were a bridesmaid/what did your bridesmaids do for you?

Thanks!

 

[bookworm21]

I had the misfortune of being a bridesmaid for a bridezilla. After spending a lot of money on her bachelorette party and shower, she insisted that we bridesmaids still had to get her and her husband a wedding gift because they paid for our dresses. That was her justification.

I think that bridesmaids usually get the couple a wedding gift, but nothing too extravagant. When I get married, I honestly wouldn''t expect my BMs to get me gifts. Just having them there would be enough.

Hope others can chime in regarding etiquette.

 

[cpster]

Wow Cinderella! I can''t believe she insisted that you buy her a gift!

I think a smaller gift would be appropriate.

 

[diamondlove]

I''ve always bought the couple a gift when I''ve been a bridesmaid since I''m usually a bridesmaid bc I''m a close friend hence I''d want to get them a nice gift. However, if you are a student and are already throwing her a shower and bachelorette party (are there any other bridesmaids splitting those with you?) by yourself then I would think that your close friend would understand that you don''t have excess money to throw around and wouldn''t be upset if you didn''t purchase them a gift.

I think it just varies by situation and there is no right or wrong. I would totally understand if a close friend of mine had limited funds and has already done so much for me. That''s what close friendships are for, rt?

 

[Fancy605]

I like to give presents to my friends! I always take presents to lingerie showers for weddings I am in (just because it is fun and can be realitively inexpensive and I love to spoil my little brides), but typically when you throw a shower, the shower itself is considered the gift. Once a fellow bridesmaid and I went in together and bought the bride to be a nice gift for her shower that we put on, and we brought gifts to her bachelorette party that we put on, but we did not take gifts to the wedding after that. She pretty much told us that after all we had done she'd be ill with us if we spent any more money. And we had to obey her because--she was the bride.

I think it is nice to take a gift to the wedding, but the bride should not expect it. After shoes, dresses, showers, bachelorette parties, accomidations, gas/plane tickets, and any extras, it just gets expensive! I know that when I get married, I personally will NOT expect my bridesmaids to bring a gift because I already consider THEM a gift in the first place. And I have been there and done that lots of times and know how pricey it can be--don't get me wrong, I LOVE being there for my friends/family, but it can be a bit much. I just wouldn't want being in my wedding to turn out to be a bad experience for my dearest friends because they were stretched finanacially. And I CERTAINLY would never pressure them to buy me a gift!

edit: Oops, I hit enter too soon. Anyway, I think if you CAN buy a gift and you feel very strongly about giving the couple something tangible (in addition to your participation in their wedding), then by all means go for it. But if you financially cannot manage it on top of the other expenses, then I hope she will be understanding.

 

[Mara]

ditto for me diamond love..if i am typically a bridesmaid, i really want to get a gift because i usually have something special in mind, or something appropriate. for the last wedding i was in, then-ex-bf (and very good friend of the couple's as well) and i went in on an awesome gas grill for the marrying couple's brand new home. it wasn't required to get a gift but we just wanted to.

my maid of honor gave me an awesome memory box engraved with our names and also filled with a bunch of memory things from our wedding, our placecard fans saying our married names, our tickets to hawaii, a bunch of pictures from hawaii of us and the group etc...etc. it was really cool. i think it just depends on the relationship, i don't think the bride should EXPECT it.

 

[shinythings]

Thanks for the suggestions. Cinderella-I also can''t believe the bride insisted on getting a present!

I like the idea of getting a special gift that''s not from the registry. That way, it''s more personal and also my cousin won''t know how much I spent. I''m sure she wouldn''t care either way-her and her fiance are well off, but I would feel funny not getting anything.

I like that I could spend a small amount on something like a photo album, whereas on the registry that would only get my something puny!

 

[staceybelle]

I am the maid of honor in a wedding this summer. The two bridesmaids and I are giving her a pretty nice shower and bachelorette party, so we''re going to go in together to get something from the registry, like a place setting of her china or silver. Helps defray the costs a bit, since we''re putting quite a bit of money into the pre-wedding festivities, and she''s already had two showers that we''ve bought gifts for.

 

[snuga]

I did the same thing stacybelle did.. We split the cost of a nice gift, something they would really enjoy, but it didn''t empty our pockets either. I think most brides understand the situation you are in as a bridesmaid or maid/matron of honor... and most will not demand gifts, but I think it is appropriate to give them something for their wedding.

 

[FireGoddess]

I have always gotten gifts for the bride and groom, whether I''m in the bridal party or not.

 

[MelissaSue]

in a word.. yes..

If you can''t afford something.. make something.. Its simply rude not to bring a gift to wedding.. Being a bridesmaid is not a gift in and of itself.. In fact.. it should be an honor.. If you couldn''t afford all the bridesmaid-y duties. you shouldn''t have agreed to it. Yeah.. its expensive.. but everyone knows its expensive..

All of my bridesmaids gave me wedding gifts..(my sister, who was my MOH and was responsible for paying for half the shower and three dresses and a tux (her dress, two FGs and an RB)..actually gave me the nicest (and most expensive) wedding present that I got.. And while she was not a terribly attentive or helpful bridesmaid. she never complained about costs.. and I have always given gifts when I was a bridesmaid. Because your bridesmaids should be your best friends/closest family.. people who WANT to give you gifts!

Sorry to be kind of mean.. I just see this get asked a lot and it just irks me.. I tried to keep costs down for my bridesmaids (my mom, MIL and sister were in charge financially of the shower.. my bachellorette didn''t really cost anyone much of anything.. just thier own drinks.. (benefits of having it at the bar I used to work at.. I got my drinks free!!) except my sister might have paid like $20 for food (or maybe not even..that could have been comped too.. I''m not sure.).. Got dresses from netbride- $93 and $84 for FGs.. My one friend had to buy plane tickets.. so I felt bad about that.. but. yeah.. weddings are expensive to be in.. its just the way it is..

 

[flopkins]

I''m the opposite of MS - I don''t really care. Of course, I''ve gotten some really nice gifts from my bridal party, but one of my BM didn''t get me anything and to me, it''s no big deal - plus she traveled to bay area twice for the shower/bach, and for the wedding, so she spent a lot on that... so I call her presence there my gift!!!

Personally I don''t think anyone is really obligated to give a gift... but I suppose I expect *something* from family, like even a card or something.

But, I love giving gifts, so I would get them something if it were me, just cuz. It doesn''t have to be expensive. For my friends wedding, I was also short on cash but I made the bride her veil (she told me exactly what she wanted) as my gift...

 

[E B]

If my girlfriends bought dresses (which I would never let them do anway) and threw me parties, I wouldn't expect nor would I want anything more. Their presence/support would be enough for me.

I guess it really all depends on the bride. If you're a BM to a low maintenance bride (like Flopkins and me), I'd assume a card or a sweet note would be fine. If not, then something small. You're spending enough on her already, and if she can't appreciate that, it's her problem.

 

[Tigerbear]

Unless you directly tell her that the party throwing is your gift to her, when the bride sits down to write thank you notes I bet she would appreciate a very small gift rather than no gift. Giving no gift can lead to her worrying that the gift was lost and that she is not appropriately thanking you.

 

[CareBear]

I don't think you should "expect" a gift from any of your guests. They give a gift if they want to.
Here's my situation with gm and bm gifts: My bms were all very generous with my wedding gift. All of them have good jobs and are financially stable. I got them nice bm gifts as welll. I gave MOH an additional gift since she put in so much work and extra costs for my parties. DH had 1 groomsman that didn't bring a gift. No big deal. He just started working after many years of school so we know he's on tight budget. He's also from out of town so we were happy he was able to come and be part of the wedding party.

 

[Angela1977]

I''m the MOH in a wedding this Saturday for my best friend. I threw her a big shower, paid for my dress, etc. My FI and I split the biggest thing on her list with my mother (who is like a second mother to my BF)...between the three of us, it''s not that much. I''m also doing a photo album with pictures starting at the engagement (which was just this past April, Easter Sunday), then both showers, a beach trip we all just took, her trying on dresses, the rehearsal, the dinner and the wedding and reception. The rest of the album they can fill with pics from the honeymoon, if they so desire. I''m going to have it waiting on them when they get back from the honeymoon. I know that will mean more to her than the mixer we''re getting them (thought she REALLY wants that stand mixer!!!

).
She would understand if I couldn''t afford it, but since I can, I LIKE doing these things for her. We''re getting married next year in Vegas, and they''re definitely coming. I"m not having attendants, but I know she''s going to act as the MOH helping me out, etc.
However, if you can''t afford it, and you''ve done all these other things, I think she should understand. Etiquette isn''t as necessary between good friends, I think. Of course it''s good to be polite...but you shouldn''t feel it necessary to get a gift merely as etiquette...good grief.

You do what you can, and everyone will be happy...take care!

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 7/18/2006 9:11:24 AM
Author: shinythings


I like the idea of getting a special gift that''s not from the registry. That way, it''s more personal and also my cousin won''t know how much I spent. I''m sure she wouldn''t care either way-her and her fiance are well off, but I would feel funny not getting anything.

That sounds like a great idea!