Divorcing Parents

[Miss Sparkly]

I like nutshells - I'm 24, my parents have been seperated for 14 years and my mom finally filed for divorce. My mom is an abusive, manipulative b*tch and my parents didn't divorce before because my dad was afraid that my mom would get custody (even partial) of me. It's as if she came straight from hell - I can't even describe the level of abuse she's caused to myself, my dad and the few friends she's managed to have. Anyway, I've been seeing a psychiatrist since I was 6 years old and have only switched once when I moved. I just feel like it's to the point that he, nor DH, "gets" it. Why I'm so angry, depressed and all I want to do is to be able to protect my dad and make everything okay for him. He has been so good to me. We go to movies, play basketball, etc together and he NEVER missed a single game or concert despite being in the Navy and afterwords working long hours as an accountant. He has ALWAYS been there for me. I guess I just need ideas of how to get thru this as I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall. My friends and DH are as awesome as they can be, but like I said, I feel like they just don't quite "get" it

ps. sorry for the poor spelling - typing quickly before running back to work

 

[Steel]

I am sorry you are upset. You sound like you love your dad so very much and that he has been a wonderful father to you.

You know, nobody 'gets it' because you perceive that they do not have the level of loyalty to your dad, that you have. They probably care - but not as much as you do. It is very sad that your mom was such a negative influence but can I tell you - that is not your cross to bear. It isn't your job to make your dad happy now because you love him, or because you feel loyalty to repay him for being such a great dad. It is your job to be his 24yr old daughter, be successful and be somebody he can be proud of. He won't want you being so sad for him.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

If your dad was only staying with your mom out of fear of joint custody (which I get), why didn't he file papers 6 years ago when you turned 18?

Therapy is meant to be a short term solution for most people. It worries me that you have been since you were 6. To me, take my opinion for what it is worth, either you have a more serious issue or you have a really bad therapist (you mentioned you only changed once in 18 years right?) What is it you are looking for? Validation of your anger? Getting past your anger? I guess I am confused.

You obviously have a wonderful relationship with your father which is fantastic. Some children don't even have one stable parent so how lucky you are. I am sorry about your mother. I am sure it was very difficult and you sound very hurt. I *really* hope you can get to a point where you can let go of all of the pain, resentment, and anger, so you can move on with your life. Life is not a dead end and even though you may have had a rough start does not mean you are doomed to eternally unhappiness.

 

[lliang_chi]

Sparkly, I'm sorry you feel this way. It sounds like you have a lot to be angry about. I understand that you want to protect your dad, Steal has a point, he wants you to be happy. You need to live your life and let yourself be happy. Would it be possible for your dad to seek counseling as well? Good luck.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

Tacori ering - I looove your ring. Back to the point. Overall I am very happy. I do really need to let go. I see my psych. once a month and I think I cling to him a bit too much because he (and my father) are the only ones that deep down I trust. My dad didn't file for divorce becuase he'd lose the money he was using to pay for my college to her and he knew that she wouldn't give a dime to me to help me out. Then it just kind of fell by the wayside. I'm actually quite open to everything that's happened in my life. It's just that sometimes that one little button gets pushed I feel like once their divorce is done I will finally be able to just let go and move on. The only way that she's a part of my life is thru my dad, and once that's over, I don't expect much of anything else to come up. I just know that there's quite a bit of wisdom here on PS and I was hoping to tap into it

 

[decodelighted]

Respectfully, I'm not sure what your question is. Or what you'd like advice *about* exactly. Maybe you could explain more about what you're looking for *here*. Maybe just to vent?

Is *he* upset about this divorce? If so, he wasn't just staying for financial reasons or to protect *you* ... right? He had his own emotional reasons. Is that what you're upset about? That maybe he *didn't* stay just for you but is a flawed individual ALSO. As is your therapist. As is everyone. Just grasping at straws cuz I can't quite figure out the issue.


ETA: When you have a BAD parent, sometimes folks tend to idealize the OTHER parent.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Thanks Sparkly. I love it.

I don't believe once the divorce is finalized you will suddenly be able to let go. Grief doesn't usually work like that. I think you need to work on your trust issues b/c you need to be able to trust more people than your dad and therapist. Do you trust your husband? Your dad has made his own decisions and it is not your responsibility to work through *his* pain. You have your own emotional journey that you need to focus on.

 

[phoenixgirl]

SB, hugs. Maybe people don't get it because in their minds, your parents have been practically divorced for more than half of your life? But that doesn't change how you feel.

It's natural to want to protect your dad, but remember, that's not your job. You're both adults -- it's not even really his job to do that for you any more, and certainly not vice versa. He has an attorney, right? That person can worry about making sure you mom doesn't take advantage of him in any way.

Being 24 is not the same as being 34 or 44 -- I'm not looking down on you, just saying that you don't have to feel pressure to have everything figured out yet. You don't have to be done with therapy for life. You're entitled to feel upset that your parents are divorcing even if one is the good parent and one is the bad parent, and to not know what to feel for your dad or your mom in this situation. If the people who are close to you don't understand, then just say, hey, I'm not sure what I feel or why, but this is a big deal to me and I need your support right now. They're probably just missing the fact that you need people to listen and be there because they think, oh well, her mom is crazy and her parents have been separated for all these years, so she probably doesn't care. Just set them straight, and as you talk it out, you'll probably figure out the answers to some of your other questions.

 

[partgypsy]

Sounds like you have alot of emotions, because maybe you are realizing it would have been more protective of your Dad if he went ahead and divorced your mom much sooner, but he didn't for whatever reason. And while you love your Dad maybe you have mixed feelings about him not protecting you that way. My lil' brother was in an abusive relationship. Even though both of his kids were minors, I'm sure their views about their mom had some influence, and my brother was awarded custody (all he was hoping for was shared custody but she lost everything but visitation).

Sometimes parents don't make the best decision, even when they are the "good" parent.

 

[swingirl]

You've been seeing a psychiatrist since you were 6 and the only people you trust are the psychiatrist and your father? Not even your husband? Psych is a paid professional and your father is an adult who has made his choices along the way. In most cases children are able to pick the custodial parent (even without abuse) once they hit 14 or 16. He doesn't need to be protected but it sure sounds like he could have done more to protect you.

I think you need to focus less on protecting your father and more on healing yourself.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly about things, I can only imagine how hard it must be for you...

But, here is the brilliance of the situation...Once you're an adult, you no longer need direction when it comes to who is in your life. You get to choose for yourself who you let in and who you shut out. It sounds as if you would like to write your mother off entirely, and if you feel that is whats best, then you should do just that. Simplify, and by doing so, let go of the anger.

On the flip side, I think it should be said that you cannot expect anyone to "get it" like you "get it". That's a hard, hard lesson to learn, but it's one that will serve you well. It would be nice to have everyone see things your way, but it's unrealistic. All you can control is yourself. Your psychologist is a paid professional who is hired to shine light in dark places, he is not your "yes ma'am" guy and that shouldn't be expected of him. If you're looking for validation, then find a support group for other adults who have problems with parents. Likewise, your husband is entitled to his own opinion, which is probably colored by his relationship with his family. He could have a month of Sunday's to think it over and still not get it. However, with that said, he should still be a support system for you...while it may not be group think, it should still be in your best interest.

As far as your father is concerned...on this I am at a loss. He sounds like a great father, but his choices in regards to your mother are his and his alone. You can understand, even sympathize, but you cannot and should not hold that anger for him. It's not healthy for you. As a married woman, I'm sure you get how complex marriage is--even children can't really grab hold of the inner workings of their parents marriage. You need to step outside of their issues as a married couple, address your own, and then move on.