divorce

[Jennifer W]

Honey, can I ask why you'd wait? What do you hope will happen? Do you really think it will? Your sister can make her own risk assessment, but the only one that matters is yours.

Please be safe. Hugs.

 

[HollyS]

Of course all marriages are not perfect, but . . . your problems aren't the average "growing pains" of learning to be married.

You have identified that he has a serious issue, that he isn't really working to resolve his issue, and that you are the favored outlet for his anger. I don't want to say it, but it is true - - this will probably progress to the point of him being physically abusive. Don't rationalize anything about this situation. Your instincts tell you the truth. Listen to your instincts.

Pack your bags. Get out. Get a lawyer.

I'm very sorry that you are having to deal with this. Please take care of yourself; your safety is priority number one.

 

[junebug17]

I agree with Pandora, you're not thinking clearly Crazy, and I really think it's due to your husband's aggression and control. I can almost guarantee your parents won't be "mad" at you for taking charge of your life and for protecting yourself. You are their child, they love you and only want you to be safe and happy. You're going to subject yourself to further humiliation and danger because of money? And because your sister tells you to "wait it out"? Wait what out? Wait for your husband to magically come to his senses, get rid of his anger, and start acting like a normal person? Do you really, in your heart of hearts, think that's going to happen? It's pretty easy for your sister to give you that advice, she's not the one being shoved, pulled, screamed at, and humiliated in public and private.

And you don't even have to go into detail with most people about your reasons for your divorce. It's none of their business, you can just tell them it wasn't working out. You don't owe them any explanations. As for your immediate family hating him...you really have no control over that, people are going to feel how they feel. They love you and care about you, of course they're going to be upset by how he has been treating you. It's only natural. It is NOT a valid reason to stay in this relationship.

Please, get out before your husband completely strips away your self-respect and self-esteem. Worry about YOURSELF, not about how others are going to feel or what they're going to think. It doesn't MATTER.

 

[Dreamer_D]

What is "waiting a bit longer" supposed to accomplish exactly?

I have a friend who was in your shoes, not the specifics of her marriage but her fears about telling people and what they would say, especially her parents. When she told her parents you know what they said? "We are not surprised" and that was the end of that. They love her, life goes on. This same friend was very worried about what to tell people about why the divorce happened, how to explain it etc. So I asked my other friend who went through a divorce a few years ago whether people ever ask and what she tells them. The asnwer? No one ever asks why you get a divorce if they are not close to you. If they are very close you can choose how much you want to tell them, "he pushed me around" would be enough answer for anyone who loves you.

Honestly, I am a little shocked at your sister telling you to wait it out. Did you tell her what you told us here? Is she in an abusive relationship? Did you grow up in a family where this type of thing was ok?

If I got a call from my sister telling me what you said here, I would be on a plane to go get her out of that house the same day. Yes, that is how seriously I personally take physical aggression in any form in a relationship.

 

[Izzy03]

Thank you for the responses everyone.

Also, Izzy yes we do appear to be in a similar boat. I have also been married for a fairly short amount of time and am still rather young (in my mid-twenties). I also have the same feelings as you about the social backlash I will feel. Honestly, I think I feel the most guilty about how much money my parents spent on the wedding. I am scared they are going to get mad at me. I also don't really want to tell everyone exactly what has happened between my DH and I. I feel like that will make the split even worse if everyone hates him. I want it to be as amicable as possible.

My DH knows that I am thinking divorce. He will not be shocked I don't think he is going to turn violent if I tell him its over. He is not someone who gets violent to hurt me on purpose. It is more like he gets mad and doesn't think and freaks out and doesn't think about the consequences of his actions (I know that either way it is not excusable).

We have gone as far as to talk about who gets the house, the dog, etc, etc. He won't be shocked.

Also, I have confided in two of my close friends about what is going on and they both at first thought i should try and wait it out but has time has gone on they think I should jump ship.

Again, what you guys say about people probably knowing something is up is probably true. I mean he has cursed at me in front of our friends, and done other things that aren't normally. I am assuming people just don't know what to say to me about it. It is an awkward situation to put people in.

I don't know I just need to get up the courage to tell my parents about this. I am not really concerned about anyone else.

The above is highlighted and underlined because I am in the EXACT boat. Yes, the situation sucks all the way around, but I feel most guilty over all the money my parents put into the wedding.

It makes me happy that you do have two close friends to confide in, one of the worst parts of my situation was feeling too embarrassed to confide in anyone. So I would go to classes and act extra happy and perky in front of people because I just could not bear what was really trapped within my head.

You know you have to leave, you have made that clear, but I understand more than anyone that you will have to do that on your own time. You said you don't know what is holding you back when you know the situation is not right, but I KNOW what is keeping you there! Girl, I GET IT!!! It is so hard to explain, but you are waiting for a miracle, thinking maybe if you wait just a little longer a miracle will happy, after all, you two love each other. Sometimes love is enough. There comes a breaking point, and it sounds like you just haven't hit yours yet (although you sound close). You mentioned that you don't leave near friends or family, which is my case as well. I suggest starting to do research on where you can go when you do finally leave. Start looking into apartment options so you are not starting from scratch when you are faced with leaving. I also highly suggest keeping the number of a battered women center on hand!!!!!! It sounds drastic, I know, but the people at these centers will give you a safe place to stay and help you with anything you need to move on (information on apartments, counseling, relocating, seriously, these people are incredible). I have a hunch you will end up leaving after a huge fight and need to get out of there quickly! Also, keep an emergency suit case packed at all times.

My situation hit a boiling point tonight and I am going to start a new thread about it because I want to keep this thread about you. If you ever want to talk to someone in a more private setting, please feel free to reach out to me and I will provide my information.

 

[phoenixgirl]

CrazyMaybe, I know I would stress about the money spent on your wedding too, but at the end of the day, your family just wants you to be happy. Half of marriages end in divorce, and a lot of them for a lot less than verbal abuse, so the odds are that a family with two or more children will have at least one of them divorce. It sounds like your mother already suspects the truth about your marriage, and I'm sure you will receive support and love when you tell them it's ending. Since your mom sounds like she already suspects the truth, why not talk to her alone first? Just call her up and say, "Mom, things are bad," and let everything come out when she asks you what you mean.

I have a feeling that if your sister knew everything about your husband's aggression and abuse, she wouldn't tell you to wait it out. If she does know, then I can only guess that her own issues or experiences are coloring her judgment. No way, no how would I ever counsel a friend to stay in a marriage where she was being yelled at, grabbed, and shoved. Think of your best friendship -- that's how marriage should be (plus the romance factor). You wouldn't keep up a friendship with somebody who yelled at you and shoved you, would you? You shouldn't hold your marriage to lower standards than you would all the other relationships in your life.

 

[KatyWI]

CrazyMaybe and Izzy, I married a guy who may be the perfect man. My mother agrees.

BUT. Up until the day before I got married, she told me "If you decide it isn't right, you can walk away. NO AMOUNT OF MONEY can make up for your unhappiness. It's not too late. It's never too late."

And this from a woman who LOVES my husband.

So I can't imagine that if your parents have any idea what is happening that they will think for one second about the money. They love you, and they want you to be safe and happy. Please, please just leave. Things get so much better than this.

 

[CrazyMaybe]

For those of you who ask why I think staying longer would do anything.

I know it is pathetic. But I have talked to him (my husband) about how I am thinking about leaving him. For some reason he took it seriously this time. I suppose because I didn't say it immediately after we got into a fight, but four days after a huge fight when everything had been pretty peaceful for awhile. He said he will get anger management treatment and do whatever it takes. I guess he spoke to his mother about the situation and she agreed that he had a problem and she had noticed it. However, now he is making me feel guilty about not being sure that I want to stick with him throughout the treatment. I know i should probably leave anyways whetherhe gets treatment or not. I also know its likely he will do the hard work necessary for a month or so but in a few months revert back to his old self. I know that it is unlikely. I suppose I should have just walked out the door and not given him any warning, but I don't think I could ever do that. So I guess another reason I am reluctant is because of this conversation I recently had with him. Again I know I am probably skewed and should NOT take him seriously as he has never changed before, but its just another hurdle I have to work through before I get up the courage to leave. (Ps- i have been looking at apartments on CL so I know my instincts/mind (as someone else said) are telling me to leave).

I know my postings are rather circular. Sorry if I annoy anyone with that.

Thanks!

 

[CrazyMaybe]

I was thinking maybe a happy medium would be not getting a divorce right away. But, moving out for a few months and seeing what he does with himself. (i.e. if he really makes the effort required to get better)

Thoughts?

 

[Pandora II]

I think moving out would be a great idea and considering a permanent solution in a few months will give you some breathing space.

 

[charbie]

Crazy...I get it. The abuse cycle went on for years in my family, and started mainly after my mom was trapped with 3 kids, no further education, and not sure how to get out.
she never wanted him to leave. In fact, they did due a trial separation where my dad left and lived with his parents for a few months. He went through treatment and came back....so we all went on a great vacation to Disney World! Yay! Everyone is happy!

Not. The "happiness" lasted another ten years or so, my dad was relapsing on and off the whole time and hiding it, my mom was sick of it, we were old enough to know wrong from right, so she kicked him out.

Even having lived through all of this myself, knowing the consequences, I can't say id leave my husband without exhausting every effort. I think a trial separation while he gets the help he needs and proves to you he is who he says he wants to be can help. He did have qualities you fell in love with, and if he can maintain them, id give it one last shot. You maaaaay be delaying the inevitable, or you may be making the best decision of your life. But that's a gamble I personally may try to see how the hand plays out.

Big hugs, and we will all support you with whatever you do!

 

[Porridge]

Don't feel guilty Crazy, and you're not pathetic. Leaving a marriage is HARD. Of course you're just wishing something would change and you could live out all the hopes and dreams you had for your life with this man. That's normal. And I'm sure the good times are really good, right? They always are. That's why you married him.

I obviously don't know the situation so I can't tell you what to do, but from what you have written here my advice would be to leave, or at least a trial separation as charbie suggested. Also, this website really gave me relief when I was in a similar situation, maybe you'll get something from it: http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/

{hugs}

 

[Dreamer_D]

I was thinking maybe a happy medium would be not getting a divorce right away. But, moving out for a few months and seeing what he does with himself. (i.e. if he really makes the effort required to get better)

Thoughts?

Exactly what I was going to suggest. You need space and he need to prove to you that he is serious about treatment. YOu will likely need to write up a separation agreement concerning division of assets or something (consult a lawyer), and then move out and get yourself settled. See a therapist on your own. Tell your husband that you will be gone for 6 months and in that time you want to see concerete proof of his intentions to change and get you back. You don't need to be living with him which he works on his issues. Those are his issues, and you should not have to keep putting up with his crap and abuse while he works on them. If in 6 months it appears that he has followed through with his side of the bargain (be specific about what that means -- how often should he go to therapy? What type of therapy?) and can prove it (heck I would want to see all the therapy bills personally and would want to see real insight and him taking personal responsibility, not just singing the "I changed baby!" song), then perhaps you can consider starting to see one another again. Not living together, though. Then give it another 6 months to see how he treats you in that time, and to see that he continues therapy. This type of issue he has will not be cured in 3 hours of anger management, he will need ongoing therapy, most likely for years. It is easy to maintain good behaviour for a short period, it is the long haul that matters.

In that 6 months I would not have contact with him, personally. Because he will try to make you guilty in that time and most likely be on his best behaviour. And by the way, making you guilty is a dirty trick to control you As if you are wrong and responsbile for the end of the relationship. He is not taking any responsibility even now when he is contrite if he is trying to make you guitly.

All men who see the end start backpeddling and making all sorts of promises. Make him walk the walk, then you will see how committed he is. I think we both know what the outcome will be, but then at least you won't feel guilty anymore

 

[Dreamer_D]

Crazy...I get it. The abuse cycle went on for years in my family, and started mainly after my mom was trapped with 3 kids, no further education, and not sure how to get out.
she never wanted him to leave. In fact, they did due a trial separation where my dad left and lived with his parents for a few months. He went through treatment and came back....so we all went on a great vacation to Disney World! Yay! Everyone is happy!

Not. The "happiness" lasted another ten years or so, my dad was relapsing on and off the whole time and hiding it, my mom was sick of it, we were old enough to know wrong from right, so she kicked him out.

Even having lived through all of this myself, knowing the consequences, I can't say id leave my husband without exhausting every effort. I think a trial separation while he gets the help he needs and proves to you he is who he says he wants to be can help. He did have qualities you fell in love with, and if he can maintain them, id give it one last shot. You maaaaay be delaying the inevitable, or you may be making the best decision of your life. But that's a gamble I personally may try to see how the hand plays out.Big hugs, and we will all support you with whatever you do!

This is really interesting. I wonder, though, how long have you been with your husband and seen his good beahviour? How old are you guys? I would say 5-10 years of being a really good partner would warrant really giving it your all to help support him to change, if he was really showing effort, because all those years of being a good partner suggest that he has gone off course at present in some way.

But what if you have only been married for a year or two? And you were only 22 when you started dating and had all those good times? I am not sure that is enough track record for me to conclude that the "real him" is the nice supportive man I dated. Maybe the jerkhole husband is his real self?

 

[charbie]

Crazy...I get it. The abuse cycle went on for years in my family, and started mainly after my mom was trapped with 3 kids, no further education, and not sure how to get out.
she never wanted him to leave. In fact, they did due a trial separation where my dad left and lived with his parents for a few months. He went through treatment and came back....so we all went on a great vacation to Disney World! Yay! Everyone is happy!

Not. The "happiness" lasted another ten years or so, my dad was relapsing on and off the whole time and hiding it, my mom was sick of it, we were old enough to know wrong from right, so she kicked him out.

Even having lived through all of this myself, knowing the consequences, I can't say id leave my husband without exhausting every effort. I think a trial separation while he gets the help he needs and proves to you he is who he says he wants to be can help. He did have qualities you fell in love with, and if he can maintain them, id give it one last shot. You maaaaay be delaying the inevitable, or you may be making the best decision of your life. But that's a gamble I personally may try to see how the hand plays out.Big hugs, and we will all support you with whatever you do!

This is really interesting. I wonder, though, how long have you been with your husband and seen his good beahviour? How old are you guys? I would say 5-10 years of being a really good partner would warrant really giving it your all to help support him to change, if he was really showing effort, because all those years of being a good partner suggest that he has gone off course at present in some way.

But what if you have only been married for a year or two? And you were only 22 when you started dating and had all those good times? I am not sure that is enough track record for me to conclude that the "real him" is the nice supportive man I dated. Maybe the jerkhole husband is his real self?

That's a great point, Dreamer. I agree that the length of time together/marriage would play a factor into my decision. I hope people spend a significant amount of time together before getting engaged and married! But I can see how people make the decision to get married when endorphins are going...I've seen at 5 friends and colleagues break off engagements or separate within a year or two of marriage.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Crazy...I get it. The abuse cycle went on for years in my family, and started mainly after my mom was trapped with 3 kids, no further education, and not sure how to get out.
she never wanted him to leave. In fact, they did due a trial separation where my dad left and lived with his parents for a few months. He went through treatment and came back....so we all went on a great vacation to Disney World! Yay! Everyone is happy!

Not. The "happiness" lasted another ten years or so, my dad was relapsing on and off the whole time and hiding it, my mom was sick of it, we were old enough to know wrong from right, so she kicked him out.

Even having lived through all of this myself, knowing the consequences, I can't say id leave my husband without exhausting every effort. I think a trial separation while he gets the help he needs and proves to you he is who he says he wants to be can help. He did have qualities you fell in love with, and if he can maintain them, id give it one last shot. You maaaaay be delaying the inevitable, or you may be making the best decision of your life. But that's a gamble I personally may try to see how the hand plays out.Big hugs, and we will all support you with whatever you do!

This is really interesting. I wonder, though, how long have you been with your husband and seen his good beahviour? How old are you guys? I would say 5-10 years of being a really good partner would warrant really giving it your all to help support him to change, if he was really showing effort, because all those years of being a good partner suggest that he has gone off course at present in some way.

But what if you have only been married for a year or two? And you were only 22 when you started dating and had all those good times? I am not sure that is enough track record for me to conclude that the "real him" is the nice supportive man I dated. Maybe the jerkhole husband is his real self?

That's a great point, Dreamer. I agree that the length of time together/marriage would play a factor into my decision. I hope people spend a significant amount of time together before getting engaged and married! But I can see how people make the decision to get married when endorphins are going...I've seen at 5 friends and colleagues break off engagements or separate within a year or two of marriage.

Youth + endorphins + the heady glow of planning a wedding = a recipe for ignoring problems and hoping they disappear once the "stress" of the planning the wedding/school/whatever passes.

 

[CrazyMaybe]

So I moved out,secured a place to live, told my parents, and my husband has anger management and therapy sessions scheduled. We will se how this goes! Thanks for all the support. I needed the extra prodding to actually do it and not wimp out.

 

[swingirl]

So I moved out,secured a place to live, told my parents, and my husband has anger management and therapy sessions scheduled. We will se how this goes! Thanks for all the support. I needed the extra prodding to actually do it and not wimp out.

This is a very good move for you. Your husband needs to get treatment and change for himself whether you go back to him or not. Don't feel guilty for abandoning him during his treatment and therapy. He needs to do this on his own. You have given him a lot of opportunities to change but he's only taking it serious now because he is backed into a corner and realizes he may have blown it. Sometimes change comes too late and the damage is done.

 

[Dreamer_D]

So I moved out,secured a place to live, told my parents, and my husband has anger management and therapy sessions scheduled. We will se how this goes! Thanks for all the support. I needed the extra prodding to actually do it and not wimp out.

This is a very good move for you. Your husband needs to get treatment and change for himself whether you go back to him or not. Don't feel guilty for abandoning him during his treatment and therapy. He needs to do this on his own. You have given him a lot of opportunities to change but he's only taking it serious now because he is backed into a corner and realizes he may have blown it. Sometimes change comes too late and the damage is done.

Exactly! Good for you crazymaybe. Stick to your plan and don't feel guilty about anything. See how things progress in the months to come and take time to help yourself move forward and learn from this too.

 

[iheartscience]

So I moved out,secured a place to live, told my parents, and my husband has anger management and therapy sessions scheduled. We will se how this goes! Thanks for all the support. I needed the extra prodding to actually do it and not wimp out.

This is a very good move for you. Your husband needs to get treatment and change for himself whether you go back to him or not. Don't feel guilty for abandoning him during his treatment and therapy. He needs to do this on his own. You have given him a lot of opportunities to change but he's only taking it serious now because he is backed into a corner and realizes he may have blown it. Sometimes change comes too late and the damage is done.

Exactly! Good for you crazymaybe. Stick to your plan and don't feel guilty about anything. See how things progress in the months to come and take time to help yourself move forward and learn from this too.

Ditto this! Good for you and good luck!

 

[movie zombie]

divorce is not easy. but at times it is necessary. this is one of those times. your parents may be disappointed that your marriage didn't work but they may surprise you and wonder why you've stayed so long given the circumstances you've described. they may have witnessed this behavior? if so, they may have been holding their tongues in an attempt to not be interfering but may be hoping that you'll leave this man. if not, they'll get over it. you didn't get married to please them, did you? one thing in life: no one will take care of you any better than you take care of yourself. also, you can tell what a woman thinks of herself by the man she is with. you've already had the discussions with him. he won't be surprised. he may actually be relieved. he's been honest about who he is. as hard as it may be, move on. life is too short to remain in this situation any longer. good luck. you will have good days and bad days going through a divorce. the 5 stages of grief will be gone through. but one day you will look back and realize that you made the right decision and be happy with your life.

MoZo

 

[phoenixgirl]

Crazy, wow, you've accomplished a lot in a short time. GOOD FOR YOU!!!! I know it wasn't easy to do. Just remember that you are going through a hard transition period right now, but it's temporary. The alternative is that you would have been in a bad situation for life.

Hugs, and keep us updated if you can.

 

[MissGotRocks]

A leopard does not change his spots. I think that counseling and therapy may help him with his issues and his next marriage or relationship may be better because of it. Understand that in abuse situations there is a dynamic between the two parties involved. I think you know this even without being told. You would never be 100% convinced that the problem is solved and that he will always strive to be level headed in his dealings with you. That is a true deal breaker IMO - and a sad truth for you to have to absorb.

No one likes to see a marriage dissolved. You feel badly for him because you've had deep feelings for him. However, it is imperative for your well being that you be able to see the situation for exactly what it is. Find a counselor for yourself as well as you work through these huge changes in your life. You are only responsible for yourself and your actions. You have a responsibility to remove yourself from a dangerous or escalating situation. I think that abusive people can also be manipulative people. They need to manipulate your feelings in order to get you to stay with them. He probably has deep feelings for you but they can and have been overridden by his anger. In your relationship, I doubt this will change.

I know these words sound harsh and I am sorry for your pain. This is not an easy situation but many women are lulled into staying by empty promises and often regret doing so. I can't recall any situation that I've known of that had physical or verbal abuse involved that ever - for the long term - got better. Statistics are not on your side.

Don't worry what other people think. Your parents - if they knew the whole story - would encourage you to leave. No one that truly cares about you would want you to stay in that situation. People will have opinions; that's human nature. However, if their opinions don't support your safety and well being, ignore them. Too many women have fallen prey to that sort of thinking or consideration.

I wish you all the best. You sound like a very warm, caring person. There are many men in the world that would appreciate and love your for these qualities. You deserve much better and remember there is NEVER any justification for abusive behavior. His anger problem really has nothing to do with you and don't ever let him convince you that it does.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

It has been a while, and I have forgotten the source, but read that depression can be a large part of an "anger" issue. And since depression can be successfully treated with medication and counselling, why not persue another angle as a diagnosis and treatment? Healing vibes your way...

cheers--Sharon

 

[movie zombie]

So I moved out,secured a place to live, told my parents, and my husband has anger management and therapy sessions scheduled. We will se how this goes! Thanks for all the support. I needed the extra prodding to actually do it and not wimp out.

well done. remember: a day at a time. there will be bad/sad days. keep the idea firmly in your head what you want your life to be like and you will make the right decisions.

MoZo

 

[CrazyMaybe]

I understand what everyone has said re: the tendency for abusers to never really fully recover. Don't think I didn't do TONS of research on this when I was starting to realize what was going on. I know its unlikely, but I would like to give it a try for a few months. I think I would regret it if I made a rash decision. Also, it will get him into treatment. So even if things don't work out between my husband and I at least it makes me feel better that he will have a better chance at having a normal relationship with someone else who he doesn't have this track record with.

Thanks again,
CM

 

[monarch64]

Hey there. Glad you know that PS is a good place to come for advice and support! You are not alone, and I say that because I went through a very similar situation several years ago myself. I have a Who's Who thread which tells my story spanning from 2007 or so into 2010. I was married to a person who also exhibited abusive behavior, mental, verbal, and finally physical and I also thought things might change if I gave it some more time. Things never changed, they only (as studies show) grew worse and escalated. I made the decision to leave after 5 years of marriage, although I knew something was "off" before we were even married. It isn't something to be ashamed of, it's something that just happens sometimes to the best of us.

I don't think I was the first from PS to get divorced due to this particular issue, but I might have been among the few who ended up admitting that my marriage had flaws that weren't typical. It was really hard for me to come back here after having talked about what a great husband I had and presenting pics and stories of jewelry and fab trips and whatnot. We didn't have children, either--similar to you. Please don't waste any more precious time in your life standing by someone who isn't treating you right. No one who really cares about you in your life would disapprove of you leaving a marriage in which you were being hurt whether it's physically or not. Take care of yourself and please realize that this person you're married to isn't who you thought he was and that he will not change no matter what you do. This is not your fault.

ETA: and my parents, who paid for my wedding and went out of their way to accomodate my wishes (which happened to be his and his family's) did not think less of me for divorcing. Instead, they offered me refuge when I left with no housing, no job, no money to speak of, no car, etc. They did NOT offer me anything I could do for myself, though. No money, no extras, they just gave me a soft place to land and lots of love. It was the best gift they ever gave me. You will be fine, I promise, and more than likely better off in the end. It's a very scary leap to take but please know from the ex-scaredest gal in the world that you can do this.

 

[Tuckins1]

So I moved out,secured a place to live, told my parents, and my husband has anger management and therapy sessions scheduled. We will se how this goes! Thanks for all the support. I needed the extra prodding to actually do it and not wimp out.

I'm proud of you for making a decision with yourself in mind, and sticking to it! I hope all ends well for you, whether that is a divorce, or not.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I understand what everyone has said re: the tendency for abusers to never really fully recover. Don't think I didn't do TONS of research on this when I was starting to realize what was going on. I know its unlikely, but I would like to give it a try for a few months. I think I would regret it if I made a rash decision. Also, it will get him into treatment. So even if things don't work out between my husband and I at least it makes me feel better that he will have a better chance at having a normal relationship with someone else who he doesn't have this track record with.

Thanks again,
CM

Sharon really makes a good point about depression and men's behavior in relationships. I was recently reviewing some of the close relationships literature in social psychology for a class I teach, and indeed this pattern emerged in a couple of longitudinal studies of marriage and its progress -- men's insecurity/depression/anxiety relates very strongly to their relationship behaviors and to their treatment of their spouses. Trying to find the root cause of his anger and hostility may be more helpful that focusing on the anger per se, which may only be a symptom of deeper issues. Something to mention to him, and to consider on your own. In your shoes, I personally would want to see my husband get assessed and have any potential mood or anxiety issues treaeted before being willing to move forward with him in any way.

 

[Izzy03]

[/quote]Sharon really makes a good point about depression and men's behavior in relationships. I was recently reviewing some of the close relationships literature in social psychology for a class I teach, and indeed this pattern emerged in a couple of longitudinal studies of marriage and its progress -- men's insecurity/depression/anxiety relates very strongly to their relationship behaviors and to their treatment of their spouses. Trying to find the root cause of his anger and hostility may be more helpful that focusing on the anger per se, which may only be a symptom of deeper issues. Something to mention to him, and to consider on your own. In your shoes, I personally would want to see my husband get assessed and have any potential mood or anxiety issues treaeted before being willing to move forward with him in any way.[/quote]

I am confident that my husband's depression plays a large role in the way he treats me. He takes antidepressants, and I can tell a huge change in him when he stops taking them. However, I am a big believer that you can't rely on meds to fix your emotional issues, rather they should be used as a supplement to therapy. My husbands depression issues skyrocketed after his business took a hit from the economy, then he began abusing painkillers, then he began abusing me. He still won't seek therapy, but for now I will continue to hope he changes his mind.

He is one of those guys that is genuinely concerned for the well being of those around him, he has a heart of gold, that is much of why I fell in love with him. But when sh*t hits the fan, he takes his anger out the two people he loves the most, me and his mother.

I hope he agrees to seek therapy, as I think it may be the last hope in saving our marriage.

Crazy, I hope things are "good" right now. Please continue to keep us updated, I think about you often!