Divorce/annullement?!!

[allycat0303]

I got the most shocking news on friday. My sister and her husband of barely 4 months have seperated!!!! I found out through (BRACE YOURSELVES...) FACEBOOK! My friend wrote to me, asking why my sister''s status had changed from married to single. I thought it was some sort of wacko mistake so I wrote to my friend and said "oh it''s nothing" then these strange messages started showing up (written by BIL) saying "Oh I am fine, commited to moving on, open for suggestions" On Saturday she came over and told me she had consulted a lawyer for divorce/annulement. I had no inkling anything was even wrong! I saw them LAST WEEKEND! everything was fine! My sister and I used to be very, very close, but the relationship has cooled since all of the drama about wedding dates and wanting to be married first, but I would assume she would tell me about considering DIVORCE (perhaps annullement..a little up in the air)

The reason for the seperation is that there has been no intimacy/desire since the wedding night, and even before that, it had been 2-3 months. But the reason she finally decided to end it, was she is VERY attracted to a resident at work! And this attraction started 4 months ago. They have coffee everyday (although nothing has happened). She doesn''t even know if the guy is really intrested in her, because nothing has been said, but she felt that being THAT attracted to another guy when you are married was not normal.There was some abuse in the past too between BIL and her, and trust issues because at the beginning of their relationship he lied for about 2 years about having a job when he didn''t have one.

When she came over and she was so different! She was actually *there* for the past few years, she''s been very distant, and it was like she was back to normal. She was laughing, and open, and really excited about moving on. And she actually told me she had kept next weekend open to go wedding dress shopping with me! I haven''t been shopping for my wedding dress (about 8 months until my wedding) lots of reasons why, but one of them was I didn''t really have anyone to go with me. I mean I think of it as a *family* thing, and my sister agreed to be my MOH, but she had brushed me off several times when I asked about dress shopping. I feel like it''s kind fo sad to go alone. (Ugh. Maybe I shouldn''t mention that..it''s selfish...oh my sister is getting divorced and I am happy she wants to go dress shopping with me..) but I feel like she was distancing the relationship from me because of BIL (he despises me) and now and now she''s actually initiating a relationship. Even the fact that she came over to my house (I didn''t invite her, I was talking to her on the phone) and she said "I"m going to come over" and I was like "No, no it''s too far, I don''t want you to go out of your way" and she was like "Ally it''s not that far!" (It''s not, I live 8 minutes by car from my parents, but she has NEVER been to my house!!!) We invite her, but she declines, even though we''ve lived here for more then 3 years.

Sorry for the long post, but I am in a state of shock. And I know that divorce is bad. But I''m glad! I can''t help it. I think it''s better now, then in a few years when she wants to have children. And she''s a resident, the divorce/annullemen will be less costly for her in terms of financial settlement (I think??). My parents are shocked (and embarrassed) the Vietnamese community and all, but they are supportive.

 

[modernsparkler]

Oh Ally I am sp sorry- This is shocking and difficult news, especially to find out via facebook! However, for all the reasons you stated, this was likely the best decision for her, especially now if she is back to herself. Marriage is hard- not that I am there yet, but it is often easy to forget about that when picking shades of ivory and deciding between chocolate and vanilla cake. Sounds like already you are being a great support to your sister so keep on doing that! I wish you both the best.

 

[HollyS]

Sounds like she had a classic case of ''wedding fever'' and she''s now fully recovered from it! She needs to get that marriage annulled fast; I''m no fan of divorce, but she shouldn''t be in a relationship where he has ever ''abused'' her. And BILs should not ''despise'' their SILs unless the SIL is a complete skank.

Why do people allow themselves to be pulled into the whole wedding shebang; do they forget WHO they are exchanging vows with? Does it not occur to them, even once, that perhaps they should be in love with, and have respect for, this person they are promising ''forever'' to?

Your sister is obviously better off without this guy; and maybe she can finally start repairing the damage she has done to the relationship between the two of you.

 

[Nocturnius]

Sometimes divorces seem to just come out of absolutely nowhere.

I had one friend who we saw in August of last year with her husband, they seemed fine and totally happy. Married four years. Then suddenly in October of that year, both of them changed their Myspace status from "married" to "single". He used to have her photo as his layout, and he took it down. They were both deleted off each other's friends list within a few days. I remember seeing this go down and thinking "....what on earth HAPPENED?" I called her to talk to her and she just said, "it just wasn't working anymore." Well, obviously.

I found out about another friend's divorce the same way. His profile used to rave about his wonderful wife and high school sweetheart, how "all of you who said we wouldn't make it, well, we did", hers had a countdown to their third anniversary, etc... then suddenly one day his profile said absolutely nothing about her at all anymore, and hers no longer mentioned their anniversary and instead was talking about a new guy! I found out they had split about a month earlier, and both of them already had new a boyfriend/girlfriend! "What. On. Earth. HAPPENED?"

I certainly know how you feel... sometimes it just happens out of nowhere. I wish you and your sister the best during this time.

 

[merrymunky]

I swear Facebook root of all EVIL.

I have one. I use it a lot. But I have had a few people claim that it is evil.

It''s a great way to get news and gossip spread around. So much so that sometimes important people in your life are the last to find out major news like relationship separations etc.

 

[bee*]

Wow ally I can''t believe that although it definitely sounds like it''s for the best! Hopfully their annulment will come through fast!

 

[allycat0303]

I think it's kind of sad that the news came to me through facebook (kind of shows the state of our relationship) but I can completely understand the whole *I don't want to talk about my problems too* Still, I don't know if she got caught up in it all or what. I do know she has this totally IRRATIONAL fear of dying alone, but it does seem there have been A LOT of red flags along the way. I think she just really wanted to BELIEVE this would work, and she didn't want to lose the time she already invested in it (they've been together for just shy of 7 years). She is still young though (turning 27 this month) so I think she has lots of time. Her biological clock has been SCREAMING for about 3 years, and learnt she was infertile so I think that all of this might have been too traumatic, and blinded her. I hope she can get an annullement. I am a little worried about the financial aspects of this. As many of you know, she is a resident (MD in 1.5 years) and he doesn't work, so I hope she doesn't have to pay (financially) for this mistake for too long.

And I hope she is able to move on without too many scars from this whole thing. Still I never thought it would end 4 months after the wedding. I actually thought if she stuck with him through all of the poop, she would stick with him forever.

Nocturinus: I think those facebook profiles are strange too. One of my friends was with a girl for 10 years, and had the craziest things about her on the profile. It was like a shrine to her. They were married for 1 year, and one day, everything disappeared. When I saw him, I asked about her and he said "Oh she's fine, but I hope the b&*#% dies." I was like whoa....and he was SOO excited to get married. Kind of makes me wonder if I am in for a surprise in

 

[vintagelover229]

I am so sorry this happened (but happy for your sister because she sounds like she''s happy). I beileve she can get an annulment. My friend is a law student and she said there is grounds for annulment if they didn''t consamate the marriage (sp???). It doesn''t matter if they had sex prior to the marriage, but if they haven''t after, well, I belive it''s grounds for annulment. Don''t quote me though!

I''m happy you have your sister back! She needs a guy w/a job anyways! I believe the only reasons you shouldn''t have a job is, 1) your a stay at home parent. 2) your a student 3) your sick in some way and can''t work
4) for some reason you lost your job and your searching for work 5) family issues (sick parent, spouse, etc)
There are other reason that I can''t think of off the top of my head, but you get the idea.

Sorry if I offended anyone. But I find it hard to belive that a guy (esp. married w/o kids) is w/o a job while is wife is in MED SCHOOL! Your sister sounds like she made the right choice! She''ll find a handsome DR to marry someday! Then you''ll all be well taken care of in the furture cuz you have DRs in the fam!

Sorry...I''ll keep my mouth shut...I hope I didn''t offend anyone! That wasn''t my goal!

 

[neatfreak]

Aww Ally I'm sorry that she's having problems, but honestly, there were so many red flags in your posts about her relationship it really sounds like it is for the best! Sometimes people just get really wrapped up in the wedding and not the marriage...hope she's back to her normal self for real!

 

[choro72]

Hi date twin! Wow, having followed all your drama, I'm happy for your sister. It's a mess now, but in the long term it's much better for her and both of you. I'm really glad that she is being positive.

 

[iheartscience]

I know it''s wrong, but I''m feeling a little schadenfreude on your behalf! I hope everything works out for her, though.

But I really hope that your family is ashamed of their behavior towards you and all the drama around your wedding date!

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 11/2/2008 11:53:20 AM
Author: thing2of2
I know it''s wrong, but I''m feeling a little schadenfreude on your behalf! I hope everything works out for her, though.

But I really hope that your family is ashamed of their behavior towards you and all the drama around your wedding date!

Ditto. Given the history of her relationship/engagment/marriage as you posted them here, I''m not really surprised. I hope this you will regain a loving, supporting sister now that her ex is out of the picture... with or without the new guy in her life.

 

[LostSapphire]

Date: 11/2/2008 8:33:01 AM
Author:allycat0303
I got the most shocking news on friday. My sister and her husband of barely 4 months have seperated!!!! I found out through (BRACE YOURSELVES...) FACEBOOK! My friend wrote to me, asking why my sister''s status had changed from married to single. I thought it was some sort of wacko mistake so I wrote to my friend and said ''oh it''s nothing'' then these strange messages started showing up (written by BIL) saying ''Oh I am fine, commited to moving on, open for suggestions'' On Saturday she came over and told me she had consulted a lawyer for divorce/annulement. I had no inkling anything was even wrong! I saw them LAST WEEKEND! everything was fine! My sister and I used to be very, very close, but the relationship has cooled since all of the drama about wedding dates and wanting to be married first, but I would assume she would tell me about considering DIVORCE (perhaps annullement..a little up in the air)

The reason for the seperation is that there has been no intimacy/desire since the wedding night, and even before that, it had been 2-3 months. But the reason she finally decided to end it, was she is VERY attracted to a resident at work! And this attraction started 4 months ago. They have coffee everyday (although nothing has happened). She doesn''t even know if the guy is really intrested in her, because nothing has been said, but she felt that being THAT attracted to another guy when you are married was not normal.There was some abuse in the past too between BIL and her, and trust issues because at the beginning of their relationship he lied for about 2 years about having a job when he didn''t have one.

When she came over and she was so different! She was actually *there* for the past few years, she''s been very distant, and it was like she was back to normal. She was laughing, and open, and really excited about moving on. And she actually told me she had kept next weekend open to go wedding dress shopping with me! I haven''t been shopping for my wedding dress (about 8 months until my wedding) lots of reasons why, but one of them was I didn''t really have anyone to go with me. I mean I think of it as a *family* thing, and my sister agreed to be my MOH, but she had brushed me off several times when I asked about dress shopping. I feel like it''s kind fo sad to go alone. (Ugh. Maybe I shouldn''t mention that..it''s selfish...oh my sister is getting divorced and I am happy she wants to go dress shopping with me..) but I feel like she was distancing the relationship from me because of BIL (he despises me) and now and now she''s actually initiating a relationship. Even the fact that she came over to my house (I didn''t invite her, I was talking to her on the phone) and she said ''I''m going to come over'' and I was like ''No, no it''s too far, I don''t want you to go out of your way'' and she was like ''Ally it''s not that far!'' (It''s not, I live 8 minutes by car from my parents, but she has NEVER been to my house!!!) We invite her, but she declines, even though we''ve lived here for more then 3 years.

Sorry for the long post, but I am in a state of shock. And I know that divorce is bad. But I''m glad! I can''t help it. I think it''s better now, then in a few years when she wants to have children. And she''s a resident, the divorce/annullemen will be less costly for her in terms of financial settlement (I think??). My parents are shocked (and embarrassed) the Vietnamese community and all, but they are supportive.

Allycat: I am sorry to hear that this pain is occurring in your family.

However, from here, I see a lot of red flags:

1. no intimacy/desire (on whose part? that is a symptom of something else going on)
2. her admission of an attraction at work. She''s married 4 months, yet she tells you this attraction has been going on for 4 months? (see flag # 1 above - are they related?)
3.abuse between BIL and her (what kind, and who said?)
4. trust issues re: his employment at the beginning of their relationship.

Those are just the 4 I see in your OP.

So as sad as this is to hear that your sister''s marriage has failed, frankly, I''m not too surprised at their having problems. All 4 of these flags were present the day they were WED.

Hopefully they will both come to the realization that the marriage should perhaps not have taken place, and an annullment will be forthcoming. I don''t know the rules about that but she needs to get good solid legal advice to sort it out. Sounds to me that this was doomed from the outset and hopefully neither of them will blame the other too harshly.

Good luck. I''m sure she will appreciate your support and concern as she goes through this difficulty.

LS

 

[robbie3982]

Wow. Like VRBeauty, I''m not too surprised to hear the marriage is ending, but I am kind of surprised to hear that you had to find out about it on facebook. I''m guessing that after all of the drama she caused with the weddings that she was embarrassed to let you in on the problems. I''m so happy to hear that it seems like BIL was the reason for the issues between you though. I don''t think it''s wrong to be excited that she wants to go dress shopping with you.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Allycat:

Wooboy. That''s a lot to find out via the internet.

It''s really sad news... quite the bummer, actually, in light of your upcoming wedding!

But I have to say: based solely on your post, it seems that your sister is incredibly happy with this decision. Maybe the race of getting married ''first'' caused her to lose sight of the "Foreverness" of marriage. What''s really important is her happiness and well being, and hopefully through this the two of you can rekindle what what started to fizzle out over the past two years. It''s great that you''re being supportive of her.

Not that it''s any consolation, but I found out my older sis was a lesbian via Facebook. That was quite the shocker. ... Buuuut- she''s now engaged (to a man), so I think the lesbianism has reduced to plain ''ole bisexuality.

 

[FrekeChild]

You know Ally, I''m not surprised you found out on Facebook. I''m sure that after all the drama that she put you through (and holy cow it was a lot!) she was probably kind of embarrassed to share that with you. I know I would be. I think that most of us predicted from your posts (even if we didn''t say so in our posts) that their relationship wouldn''t last. Or that if it did, they probably wouldn''t be very happy.

I am happy for her, and happy for you to have your sister back.

 

[appletini]

Ally when I first strarted reading this I was laughing due to all the heartache she has caused you. But more importantly I''m glad she is strong enough to walk away finally and that she is becoming the sister that you always wanted her to be. Some people have to learn things the hard way, but I can already tell this divorce is going to be the best thing that ever happened to her. I''m glad that you can support her during this transition in her life and that she can stand by your side on your big day.

 

[decodelighted]

100% predictable. Sometimes people have to just learn from experience. A couple who is fighting against people to get married are "in it together" ... but then, when they are married -- HA! They''re stuck with that awful person everyone warned them about. It''s like getting married was rebelling & now that everyone is expecting her to stay married, she rebels AGAIN!

Whatever the case -- if she''s seeming more like herself again -- and this is what it took to get her there (yes, I can marry if I want to -- oh wait now I don''t want that) ... so be it.

Hopefully she will have learned & grown from this experience & won''t just keep repeating it with guy after guy. WHAT A SOAP OPERA!!! Right Ally? Everyone might not remember the WHOLE thing --- but I do.

(At least most of it)

 

[kittybean]

Yikes--what a ridiculous situation. It''s awful to think that someone decided to take those sacred wedding vows without truly meaning them.

I''m happy for you, though. It seems like your BIL is a pretty toxic influence, and it sounds like it will be better for everyone involved if the marriage is annulled. I hope that your sister can put all the previous drama behind her and support you and love you in the way you deserve.

 

[Gypsy]

1. She got wedding fever, ignored everything else including her sister''s feelings in her self absorbed quest to get married.
2. Completely screwed you over.
3. Made Vows, a commitment.
4. Durning this whole process was not commited enough to stay away from temptation and avoid coffee with some other guy.
5. Is now getting divorced (whatever) because she made a ''a boo boo''
6. Game re-set? Life is sunshine and roses and she moves on?


I''m sorry, I don''t agree that she''s growing up. Sounds like the same selfish person she''s always been who is so focused on what she wants she ignores all else. Yes, it''s good that she''s getting out of a relationship that was obviously a mistake. But I gotta tell you, the way she''s handling it is not with the gravity it deserves, I don''t think she''s learned a thing. You learned from Facebook for the love of god. This isn''t a game. Ally she''s your sister and you have a great heart and you love her... but don''t get your hopes up. She hasn''t changed.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/2/2008 7:27:41 PM
Author: Gypsy
don''t get your hopes up. She hasn''t changed.

Good point. I do agree. I *hope* she''s changed but her actions don''t read "changed" to me either. Sounds like she''s in saving face mode. Pretending she''s not upset -- a little too aggressively. This whole deal may hit her later on & she''ll be back miserable as ever. When the dude isn''t so very interested in her after all ... when douchey BIL pulls some crazy cr*p re: the settlement ... oh, its coming. So proceed with caution in terms of your emotional investment in her & depending on her for stuff re: your wedding. This is another layer of unstable ... not the light at the end of the tunnel. Yanno?

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Date: 11/2/2008 3:43:07 PM
Author: appletini
Ally when I first strarted reading this I was laughing due to all the heartache she has caused you. But more importantly I''m glad she is strong enough to walk away finally and that she is becoming the sister that you always wanted her to be. Some people have to learn things the hard way, but I can already tell this divorce is going to be the best thing that ever happened to her. I''m glad that you can support her during this transition in her life and that she can stand by your side on your big day.

Ditto this, Allycat.

I''m so sorry you had to find out via Facebook, but she certainly seemed to be in "Saving Face" mode, as Deco said, and it seems like the last person she wanted to tell was you.

Hopefully everyone can move on from this and there isn''t too much damage done all around.

 

[allycat0303]

Not topic related, but my fiancé's parents randomly gave us a gift for a wedding on thursday. We were not AT ALL expecting any help. We have never talked finances, or even wedding. I just told her where it was and what church, but nothing more.
BUT they gave him a check for his birthday saying ''This is the second wedding, and probably the last wedding we will have in our family, so we really want to contribute'' And luckily, his mom is the most, laid back unassuming woman. She only asked for one little concession..... she wants to have the organ play the processional music. The check was for $10 000. I think I can sacrifice myself, and let her have her organ

Deco, Appletini, Freke, Lauren, Gypsy: I am pretty amazed. I figure if you fight so hard to get married, then you really must want to be married. But I think she got really got caught up in this whole business. I don`t know if she is trying to save face, or make it up to me. I see how it might seem that she is really selfish, and although she is not the most generous person (even before this) she has never acted so spiteful and irrational about ANYTHING. She was a totally normal sister you know, and we were close. She`s had a very charmed life though, without any significant hardships, so maybe that contributes a little the whole thing. I know everyone says they saw this coming, but I REALLY DIDN'T. I still don`t. I wake up in the morning and say 'That can't be' Now I am thinking, maybe this is a temporary thing? There was no warning. In any case, I am wondering if even incorperating her too much in my wedding thing, might be the best thing. I'm worried she'll feel bad that I am getting married and her marriage just failed??? I do hope she`s reverted to pre-BIL behavior though, rather then just saving face. I don`t want any more hysterics before my wedding. EVERYONE is going to BEHAVE.

But you know what REALLY gets me, is why are they both acting like it's nothing??? Not one tear, or anything. It's a marriage. It's a seven year relationship!!! And both of them are 'I can`t wait to move on' It's totally bizzarre to me. I would be on the floor.

PilsnPinky: well you`re lesbian thing definitely tops divorce via facebook!

robbie: actually, thinking about it, I might not go with her. I definitely don`t want her to reflect on her marriage during the whole business.

LostSapphire: I agree that there were red flags. I think only she knows why she didn`t feel they were problematic.

VRbeauty, thing2of2, choro, neatfreak, kittybean, bee*: Thanks for your input ladies.

 

[HollyS]

Gypsy is absolutely right. Don''t expect major changes in your sister; it''s still all about her. Be completely honest with her if she asks for your input.

 

[marchswallowbird]

You know, I believe with all my heart that people CAN change if they really want to. Ally''s sister may or may not have changed yet...but perhaps this will be a learning/changing/growing opportunity for her. It all depends on how she chooses to look at what happened, and if she is self-aware enough to realize what part of it is hers to own.