Dishwashing Standoff Part 2

[joflier]

So, the using the dishwasher thread got me goin. This is along the subject of somthingshiny''s great dishwashing standoff of ''04. Ours is the "great refridgerator standoff" of 08.

Its been about 4 weeks and counting at this point. DH has some food allergies, and his mom made him some special dishes over the holidays. DH said thanks, put them in the fridge, and thus forgot about them. period. never touched them. Never looked at them. I don''t get it. He loves his mom''s cooking. And he felt bad he never ate the stuff. So for a week or so, I just left these dishes alone. Then I asked him, if he was going to eat them. He said - No they''re bad now. So I said, then throw them out. He did not. Now they are growing vines. It smells rather ripe (a gross understatement). I asked him no less than 20 times, to please throw the food out. I cleaned out the fridge the last time. He dumped over a bottle of juice (whilst I was on a weekend vacation and came back and found the fridge a big purple sticky mess) We take turns doing dishes. And he''s skipped his turn several times now.... It is his turn to toss his icky food and clean out his mom''s dishes. Bottom line. We''re not angry with each other. Life around us continues as if nothing is out of the ordinary. Its just that no one opens the fridge (lest you breath the consequences).

I don''t really use the fridge much, except for milk and drinks, so I just simply moved my stuff out onto the porch. Nice and chilly out there.

So I just thought I''d share that. I feel a little better airing out my dirty "fridge" laundry.

 

[monarch64]

What? You didn''t read the fine print on your marriage license where it said: "wife shall take over responsibility for anything hard to clean in the kitchen, any moldy leftovers that need throwing out in the refrigerator, and all socks and undies that don''t quite make it into the hamper." ?????

I had to learn how to pick my battles on these issues with my own DH. It seems his mother did everything for him when he was growing up, then he was a messy bachelor, then I ended up with him and the old dog ain''t learning any new tricks, so to speak. Yes, I get ticked off about basically picking up the messes he leaves behind constantly, but I can''t let it become this standoff type of thing where I try to teach him a lesson by going on strike or whatever. Because trust me, he''s waaaaaay more stubborn than I am. LOL.

 

[Aloros]

Oh dear! Don''t give in! But when are you expecting a thaw?

In cases like these, I usually end up trying to inject some humor into the situation instead of getting angry. My FI usually laughs, tells me I''m making fun of him, and (thank god!) does what I''ve asked. Or if I''m feeling cranky and he says he''ll do it later a "No. You have time. Do it now." suffices.

Has he asked yet about the stuff on the porch, or is he pretending not to notice? What a sticky situation (get it? Sticky? Like the solidified juice in the refrigerator? har har! *cough* ahem...)!

 

[joflier]

Oh,

Date: 2/7/2008 6:40:39 PM
Author: Aloros
Oh dear! Don''t give in! But when are you expecting a thaw?

In cases like these, I usually end up trying to inject some humor into the situation instead of getting angry. My FI usually laughs, tells me I''m making fun of him, and (thank god!) does what I''ve asked. Or if I''m feeling cranky and he says he''ll do it later a ''No. You have time. Do it now.'' suffices.

Has he asked yet about the stuff on the porch, or is he pretending not to notice? What a sticky situation (get it? Sticky? Like the solidified juice in the refrigerator? har har! *cough* ahem...)!

Oh yeah, I told him I was moving my stuff to the porch. He said that he thought that that was probably a good idea.....I think he missed the point. He''s referring to the fridge as "our little science experiment."
As far as a thaw.....I told him it better get done by Saturday, as we are leaving for AZ for a week on sunday. If it don''t get done by then, I told him we''re just throwing all the stuff out, plates and all, and he can go and buy his mom some new pyrex.

Monarch: His mother too, was the ultimate house-wife, stay-at-home mom. She''s the best and I love her, but I keep telling her she spoiled her boys too much! I''ve about given up on trying to train him to put the socks IN the laundry basket, not AROUND the basket! lol

 

[door knob solitaire]

Yikes...we are talking about green bacteria creepy crawly things...and fuzziness ....and oozing ickies.

I say choose your battles...or do it and take his credit card and get the first $100 extravagant thing you have been wanting. Get a massage or a facial...and do it with out guilt.

Three minutes...hon....open a trash bag and dump each plate into the bag...throw the plate into the DW...and plan your spending attack. He won't ever do it again, when it costs him money! Choose your battles...everything not worth a fight...spend, spend, SPEND!!!!

Monnie has a great point. Get out the license and read the fine point..did your record your vows by chance? Good call Monnie!!

 

[joflier]

Date: 2/7/2008 6:56:29 PM
Author: door knob solitaire
Yikes...we are talking about green bacteria creepy crawly things...and fuzziness ....and oozing ickies.

I say choose your battles...or do it and take his credit card and get the first $100 extravagant thing you have been wanting. Get a massage or a facial...and do it with out guilt.

Three minutes...hon....open a trash bag and dump each plate into the bag...throw the plate into the DW...and plan your spending attack. He won''t ever do it again, when it costs him money! Choose your battles...everything not worth a fight...spend, spend, SPEND!!!!

Yup! It''s one of those things where you open the door, and the smell knocks you on your butt! Now, that its gone on for so long, its almost become a matter of principle, know what I mean? If I cave now, he''s gonna know it, and put it in that super memory of his.
But it also upset me that, for the fact that I was incredibly sick, and he wouldn''t even do the darn dishes, really bugs me. He wouldn''t wash his clothes either, btw, but I did that once I got back on my feet. The dear boy is just helpless!

 

[door knob solitaire]

You ah...you know you just may have to buy a new refridge...right? If you let it get too bad...that odor will penetrate into the insulation. It will also mess up alot of things that are good...ice cubes...and frozen things will take a hit. Girlfriend...it may get bigger than you bargained for.

Think...think...think about what cha trying to do to me...think....I hear Aretha!!! (wait is it Aretha?) well whom ever it is...I hear them.

 

[somethingshiny]

I say hold your ground!!!! (of course, I WOULD say that!)

What''s the worst that''s going to happen, a few food items (which were not thoughtfully put on the porch) will grow legs as well and walk away. It''s not like the refrigerator is going to get eaten.

Oh, and I''d strategically place said walking food in and around his favorite drinks and snacks. In fact, if it were me, I would pull out the food and toss it on his supper plate...bon apetit, my love (wink wink).

This is of course with the thoughts that you and he are like DH and I, and it sounds like you are since it interferes with no other part of your lives.

FREEDOM!!! (in my most Braveheart tone!!) FREEDOM!!! (for you and the food!)

 

[phoenixgirl]

Ew . . . really, just ew.

I am as stubborn as they come and can outlast the best of them, but whenever I would get annoyed with DH over something like that, it would just hurt me in the end . . . because for his part, it wasn''t about upsetting me, it was about a totally different view of the world. He doesn''t look at the [whatever] and see the grossness that I (and I imagine all visitors would) see. He''s not ignoring/refusing to clean up the grossness. It''s just not there for him. And as much as I can sort of get him to appreciate that I do see it and it really is there and he should try to see it and care about it and clean it too, well, he only sort of gets it. It''s like when he explains the stock market to me.

The thing that irks me the most is the way he loves to make little piles of things that should be put away . . . on the kitchen counter, on the dining room table, and especially on his dresser. Why??!! He can''t bear to part with a movie ticket or baseball ticket, and doesn''t put receipts away, and doesn''t open mail, and it just piles up and piles up and piles up.

So I''ve learned to either ignore/accept it, explain convincingly that he must do something with it right then (which he will do if I address it with conviction and humor), or do it myself (A and B work better than C, as C just results in me finding his unopened mail where I stored it--of course telling him where to find it--when we move next). His brain just works differently than mine. The spoiled $10 bottle of wine he wants to return to the wine store he hates going to -- he wants to keep it on the kitchen counter for months because he knows he''ll never remember to return it if it''s put away (but we went several times with it on the counter and he never remembered to bring it along). Um, hello, I don''t want icky spoiled bottle of wine sitting out where I keep almost opening it or sticking it with the good wine, so I have stuck it in a cabinet, and I''m sure DH has completely forgotten it exists, and I''m sure I stored the receipt for it in a big box upstairs, and it''s been months anyway, so we''re never going to return it . . . you see the yin and yang of it all.

OK, I threw the darn bottle out.

 

[Elmorton]

LOL, if this wasn''t an argument for working moms, I don''t know what else is! Seriously, I have and idea:

While he''s home, watching TV or what not, ooooopen the fridge door. Leave it open and let the stank simply absorb into whatever area he''s in. Meanwhile, take his card (love DKS''s idea), your car keys, and go visit a friend for the weekend. While you''re gone, purchase some Yankee candles for your return. And maybe some extra pyrex for MIL.

Ohhhh...and let his laundry stack up and leave him to his own devices for work on Monday. He totally deserves it after not tending to the house when you were sick (or every day, for that matter!!)

Really, the beast has got to be tamed!!

 

[Sparkster]

Are you sure your names aren''t Debra and Ray Barone from Everbody loves Raymond?

There was one very funny episode where Ray left his luggage on the staircase and both Debra and Ray refused to put it away. When I finished reading your post, I immediately thought of this episode

 

[joflier]

You all have such wonderful ideas! I love it! You guys are making me laugh so hard (sshhh, I''m at work) The kitchen is just a difficult place for him I guess. He asked me to buy him a bunch of fruit last week. So I did. A whole bunch of bananas, kiwis, apples, etc. Just what he asked for, right? Guess....just guess if they''ve been touched.....Tonight when I get home, I''m just gonna shove em all in the fridge next to all the other crud. I can start a compost pile indoors.

I think we need to start a thread that''s just for posting random minor spousal complaints. I think we''d all feel so much better!

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

There is an wonderful book called "long dark tea time of the soul" which is a very funny story about gods on the earth. Much of the subplot revolves around the main character in a desperate struggle with his cleaning lady as to who will handle the fridge. It reminds me very much of your situation and if you ever get in the mood to read about it, it truely is one of Douglas Adam''s gems.

 

[ljmorgan]

Ick. Ask him to clean it up that night, or tell him that you''re going to do it yourself, and you''re going to be extremely unhappy that you have to clean it up after him. Don''t make jokes, don''t have a childish standoff -- if he really doesn''t do it when you ask him to, I''d be upset.

 

[eks6426]

Sounds like a good time to go new fridge shopping. Get some brochures. Leave them around the house. Circle the ones you like. This is the time to go high end. Think stainless sub zero.....

Seriously, you have to pick your battles. Most like you care more about the fridge situation than he does. So, I recommend you do it together. Grab 2 trash bags and put them together. Go to him and ask if he wants to hold the bag or grab the goo. Then do it. The one who holds the bag is gets to take it out of the house to a dumpster. Then wash down the fridge. One person pulls out the shelves & such and the other one washes...... Then he buys his mother replacement dishes and has to explain what happened to the originals.

 

[lumpkin]

You could tell him you''ll do it but it will cost him in diamonds....

Some of you have the funniest posts on this. No one can say we don''t have a great sense of humor on this thread!

Honestly, cut your losses! Aren''t there things he does that you really hate doing? I hate the lawn work. I''ll do almost anything to avoid it and my hubby does it for me. During leaf season we both do it, but I really, really hate it and we have six huge trees in or right next to our yard. I hate it so much I made him go buy a tractor with a big double bagger. It was the best purchase we''ve made in five years. Him, he hates to take care of his clothes. He''d go out in rags rather than maintain them. So I iron his pants and shirts and lay his clothes out for him at night. I think I''ve got the better bargain, though.

 

[lyra]

Okay, this thread inspired me today, for a moment anyway. I woke up and opened the microwave to use it and apparently someone had exploded a bowl of tomatoes in there or something! Like literally--explosion splatter patterns.

I was furious, and gave serious consideration to just leaving it there until I found out who did it so they could clean it. Trouble is, microwave is above the stove, so it''s eye-level all the time. I just couldn''t do it.

Spun some water + windex around in it for 2 mins. and just wiped it all away. I totally caved.

As for the fridge. Yuck! I''m afraid I''d cave on that too, but I''m not generally squeamish about that kind of organic stuff. How about inviting your MIL over and asking her to get you something out of the fridge with your husband standing right there?

Of course, that might reflect more on you somehow, if your MIL is anything like mine.

 

[joflier]

Well I broke......only part way though! I made him give me $50.

I cleaned 2 dishes out. $25 a dish.....not too bad. I said that I would do half of them......he said he''d do the other half tonight.
We''ll see what I find when I get home....

 

[lyra]

Date: 2/8/2008 5:44:23 PM
Author: joflier
Well I broke......only part way though! I made him give me $50.

I cleaned 2 dishes out. $25 a dish.....not too bad. I said that I would do half of them......he said he''d do the other half tonight.
We''ll see what I find when I get home....

Awesome! Start a fund with that and see how much, or how little you collect in a year.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 2/7/2008 8:13:00 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
Ew . . . really, just ew.


I am as stubborn as they come and can outlast the best of them, but whenever I would get annoyed with DH over something like that, it would just hurt me in the end . . . because for his part, it wasn't about upsetting me, it was about a totally different view of the world. He doesn't look at the [whatever] and see the grossness that I (and I imagine all visitors would) see. He's not ignoring/refusing to clean up the grossness. It's just not there for him. And as much as I can sort of get him to appreciate that I do see it and it really is there and he should try to see it and care about it and clean it too, well, he only sort of gets it. It's like when he explains the stock market to me.


The thing that irks me the most is the way he loves to make little piles of things that should be put away . . . on the kitchen counter, on the dining room table, and especially on his dresser. Why??!! He can't bear to part with a movie ticket or baseball ticket, and doesn't put receipts away, and doesn't open mail, and it just piles up and piles up and piles up.


So I've learned to either ignore/accept it, explain convincingly that he must do something with it right then (which he will do if I address it with conviction and humor), or do it myself (A and B work better than C, as C just results in me finding his unopened mail where I stored it--of course telling him where to find it--when we move next). His brain just works differently than mine. The spoiled $10 bottle of wine he wants to return to the wine store he hates going to -- he wants to keep it on the kitchen counter for months because he knows he'll never remember to return it if it's put away (but we went several times with it on the counter and he never remembered to bring it along). Um, hello, I don't want icky spoiled bottle of wine sitting out where I keep almost opening it or sticking it with the good wine, so I have stuck it in a cabinet, and I'm sure DH has completely forgotten it exists, and I'm sure I stored the receipt for it in a big box upstairs, and it's been months anyway, so we're never going to return it . . . you see the yin and yang of it all.


OK, I threw the darn bottle out.

Phoenix, I know exactly what you're talking about. When we moved in together, there were two GIANT plastic bags (we're talking the biggest size Bed, Bath, and Beyond bags) full of other plastic bags sitting in the hall closet. Why? Because they needed to be taken to the recycling center and no one had done it. *headdesk* I finally just took them myself, because we needed the space.

Also, I think men do see things differently. For some reason, when Kris cleans the kitchen, he thinks it's done as long as the dishes are done. Counters? Stovetop? Not unless I specifically ask him to do it. I called him on it once and he claimed that it was clean, as far as he was concerned.

I finally just decided that I'll make him do the dishes, and I'll do the rest of it myself.

 

[joflier]

Well folks, the standoff has ended peacefully.

Came home from work, and my DH had already cleaned stuff up. What a good boy! I guess the $50 bucks really got to him! I myself got a new pair of capris for our trip. The whole first floor of the house smells a little funky but tomorrow i''ll bleach the shelves and we should be good to go. oh and all the dishes escaped unharmed. (mil will happy)

 

[door knob solitaire]

He hehehehehehe.....told ya! Money makes the men do crazy

things...somethings the right thing. Boil it all down...a new pair of capris...ROCKS! You go girl!!!

My work here is done.

 

[joflier]

Thanx DKS! My fridge and I are grateful

 

[monarch64]

After reading this thread a few times now, I think I am going to start charging DH for my kitchen services. Hopefully when it warms up outside, though, he won''t start charging me for his outdoor maintenance skills, LOL!

Joflier, glad you and your DH came to a resolution and that he seems to be taking KP more seriously. Oh, and I meant to mention my MIL''s solution to not getting her dishes back when she sends DH home with her cooking: she gets those reusable/disposable Glad tupperware-ish containers now and sends those along with DH. That way she''s not waiting forever to get her containers or casserole dishes back from us, and if there are any leftovers that go uneaten for a period of time I can just toss them!

 

[firebirdgold]

I''m so glad we''re not the only married couple with standoffs! It''s a great relief!

I did put it down to us being newlyweds and not having worked out who was in charge of what. I wanted it to be organic.

So we''ve had cat hairball stand offs (the first person to acknowledge the cat threw up cleans it... not a good strategy but very amusing to watch), and trash stand offs (first person to take the trash out is in charge of trash.. I''ve almost trained him into automatically taking it out!).

Our current standoff is largely my fault. I''m in charge of laundry due to a fondness for sorting colors. Unfortunately I hate putting laundry away, and the clean clothes have sort of... piled up on top of the dressers. DH''s solution is to completely ignore the existence of clean clothes that are not put away and then make sad comments about having nothing clean to wear for the next day.

He''ll occasionally break and put away his clothes leaving mine in a neat folded pile. (I really fail to see why I can find his sock drawer, and he can''t find mine!)

It''s sort of turned into a game at this point!

 

[joflier]

Indie - I agree, it is really nice to know we''re not really an "odd" couple. There''s support for those of us with problems divying up the chores!

Monarch - my mom figured that out with the disposable containers, which is sooo nice! I''ll have to suggest that to MIL. Thankfully she''s pretty easygoing!

 

[pennquaker09]

Date: 2/7/2008 6:50:32 PM
Author: joflier
Oh,

Date: 2/7/2008 6:40:39 PM

Author: Aloros

Oh dear! Don''t give in! But when are you expecting a thaw?

In cases like these, I usually end up trying to inject some humor into the situation instead of getting angry. My FI usually laughs, tells me I''m making fun of him, and (thank god!) does what I''ve asked. Or if I''m feeling cranky and he says he''ll do it later a ''No. You have time. Do it now.'' suffices.


Has he asked yet about the stuff on the porch, or is he pretending not to notice? What a sticky situation (get it? Sticky? Like the solidified juice in the refrigerator? har har! *cough* ahem...)!

Oh yeah, I told him I was moving my stuff to the porch. He said that he thought that that was probably a good idea.....I think he missed the point. He''s referring to the fridge as ''our little science experiment.''

As far as a thaw.....I told him it better get done by Saturday, as we are leaving for AZ for a week on sunday. If it don''t get done by then, I told him we''re just throwing all the stuff out, plates and all, and he can go and buy his mom some new pyrex.


Monarch: His mother too, was the ultimate house-wife, stay-at-home mom. She''s the best and I love her, but I keep telling her she spoiled her boys too much! I''ve about given up on trying to train him to put the socks IN the laundry basket, not AROUND the basket! lol

OMG, that makes me so freaking mad! But at my house, it''s not just socks, it''s everything. I think I should stop doing his laundry.

And I''m glad that he cleaned the fridge, cause I was getting a horrible image in my head. I''m the type that would have just went out and bought a whole new fridge after that.

 

[pennquaker09]

Date: 2/7/2008 6:50:32 PM
Author: joflier
Oh,

Date: 2/7/2008 6:40:39 PM

Author: Aloros

Oh dear! Don''t give in! But when are you expecting a thaw?

In cases like these, I usually end up trying to inject some humor into the situation instead of getting angry. My FI usually laughs, tells me I''m making fun of him, and (thank god!) does what I''ve asked. Or if I''m feeling cranky and he says he''ll do it later a ''No. You have time. Do it now.'' suffices.


Has he asked yet about the stuff on the porch, or is he pretending not to notice? What a sticky situation (get it? Sticky? Like the solidified juice in the refrigerator? har har! *cough* ahem...)!

Oh yeah, I told him I was moving my stuff to the porch. He said that he thought that that was probably a good idea.....I think he missed the point. He''s referring to the fridge as ''our little science experiment.''

As far as a thaw.....I told him it better get done by Saturday, as we are leaving for AZ for a week on sunday. If it don''t get done by then, I told him we''re just throwing all the stuff out, plates and all, and he can go and buy his mom some new pyrex.


Monarch: His mother too, was the ultimate house-wife, stay-at-home mom. She''s the best and I love her, but I keep telling her she spoiled her boys too much! I''ve about given up on trying to train him to put the socks IN the laundry basket, not AROUND the basket! lol

OMG, that makes me so freaking mad! But at my house, it''s not just socks, it''s everything. I think I should stop doing his laundry.

And I''m glad that he cleaned the fridge, cause I was getting a horrible image in my head. I''m the type that would have just went out and bought a whole new fridge after that.

 

[divergrrl]

Not only does my dh put stuff next to the hamper, he puts his dishes on the counter above the dishawasher? Why? Its RIGHT THERE!!

LOL.

He has tried to compare my housework to his yardwork, but then I went on a cruise for a week with my girlfriends...left him home with our 2yo son.

He could *only* take care of Jake. The house was a total disaster. He is in awe of how I get it all done...now we have 2 kids..he''s terrified I''ll schedule another cruise. muuwhawhawhawha..

I made him a deal...I told him I''d gladly take some yard jobs (sunshine? fresh air? no kids?) if he''d scrub bathrooms, dust, grocery shop etc. He seems to be receptive. I think we both get bored with our "jobs".

Personally I like it best when we do chores together. He''s been sad that his shop is a disaster (all his fault), but I made him a deal. If I got the grandparents to babysit for 2 days, we''d spend the weekend clearing out the shop & he would help me organize the basement. We sent SO MUCH stuff to the dump & goodwill.

I also love it when we pick up the kitchen after dinner together (if we''ve eaten after the kids are asleep). I found giving him options works best. He''s on to me, but he can''t get out of it. I always say "would you like to get Jake ready for bed & read him stories or clean up the kitchen?"

but when we can work together, it just FLIES getting things done & we are actually chatting, laughing and having a decent time.

And then there are the days when I want to stuff his dirty socks into his coffee. After all... a maid I am not.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 2/9/2008 7:11:26 PM
Author: joflier
Indie - I agree, it is really nice to know we''re not really an ''odd'' couple. There''s support for those of us with problems divying up the chores!

Monarch - my mom figured that out with the disposable containers, which is sooo nice! I''ll have to suggest that to MIL. Thankfully she''s pretty easygoing!

If it hasn''t already been suggested...I would maybe just bring over a nice new $20 set of re-usable containers from Target or similar next time you''re at your MIL''s house and keep it very low-key...just tell her you''re bringing them for any future leftovers because your DH loves them so much but you fear she won''t get her dishes back on time...this can only reflect on you in a good way, esp. if you emphasize how much DH loves having her cooking in the fridge, and that you worry that her dishes will be missed. I''ve actually done this before and gotten kudos from my MIL and FIL for being attentive to both their tupperware and my DH''s needs...you really can''t go wrong, I promise!