discombobulated

[Cehrabehra]

that's my word of the week.... I taught it to my driver, trying to explain what it means to someone who is native in another language is amusing, plus it really rolls off the tongue.

But mostly because I *feel* really discombobulated. Random things: Vesper's friend's baby, dude dying reminding me of my kitty who died long ago and the intense grief, an online friend who's daughter committed suicide just before thanksgiving, planning this soup event, kids picture day for school plus a really late day to make up for a missed day when the town cut off the electricity, issues with both of my boys and their antagonists, planning the winter vacation trip to Bali, making clay models of my ring design ideas and having almost no one respond, it is so cold - the skies are gorgeous blue and its sunny, but the wind from siberia comes down and it is cold cold cold, I haven't finished putting the christmas decorations away (or up), I really don't want to pay $45 USD equivalent for a cover for my new iPad - feel bad for my husband that he had his surprise ruined and have NO idea what to get for him, need to finish and start my holiday shopping, really should try to bake some cookies or fudge before saturday even though that's what I asked the other people to contribute, and other random stuff... but mostly I just feel disconnected, like maybe I am just not seeing things clearly or the way others do, and I'm taking things way too sensitively which isn't typically my style. I feel lonely and vaguely disappointed, but I'm not sure in what, other than in myself maybe...

 

[monarch64]

Cehra, I think they used to call it a midlife crisis. You are not alone. It seems to me that things happen in spurts, and bad things typically that we feel we have no control over. When many things happen at once which are hard to digest, I think we get this feeling of helplessness and start to question, "what's it all for?" As women I think we're used to being able to fix things, with words or actions, and when we can't we are left feeling frustrated and dissatisfied. It's not a fun place to be, and it makes us turn and question our own existences. I'm very sorry for your recent losses and sadnesses for others. Having been through some of my own, I can kind of begin to understand what you're going through, but I am in my native country and you aren't. It must be very difficult to navigate through any sort of pain when you're a foreigner. I wish you the absolute best and all the peace in the world to get through this. Take care of yourself, so that you can take care of others as you get through all of this.

 

[Imdanny]

Hugs. If you want to talk in private drop me a line.

 

[AGBF]

Hi, Sara. If I presented with these symptoms, my father would immediately say to me, "You're depressed!". He would then remind me that depression is not visited from outer space and ask me what is going on in my life. In the here and now. He would pay particular attention to what kind of burdens lay before me and whether there was any gratification coming up for me in my immediate future. He might remind me that depression was anger tuned inwards and might go after what in my life had been making me angry.

I am not sure whether any of these methods of handling your depression (for I think that is what it is), will be useful to you. You are in a foreign country coping extremely well, far better than I ever would, and extremely flexibly. Perhaps it has simply taken a momentary toll and you will roll right out of it without further self-analysis.

If you you just want a hug, I am here to offer that. Or write me. I think you are super!

Love,
Deb/AGBF

 

[Cehrabehra]

Oh that was so nice to hear Thank you!

I think it's Hump Day. In part... though through the summer I bounced out of bed with the first thing I thought expressing gratitude for the universe for another day of experiencing existence. Lately it's more of an afterthought later in the day, but still genuinely grateful. But wednesday is a weird day for me - it's my favorite day of the week. Being alone and being lonely are two sides to the same coin. I have staked wednesday out as my ME day - the day I don't make plans other than the ones I want to make. The ayi is off, the kids at school, I make no lessons or obligations and often spend it at home. Well, at first when I close the door behind the kids the feeling is bliss, I revel in the autonomy and dance around singing and make myself breakfast and lounge around and breathe deep.... but somewhere between then and 7 hours later when I am invaded again, it turns and I start fighting loneliness. Wednesday is my favorite day of the week but it feels like it costs me a bit of my soul...

I always feel guilty because I try to avoid the threads where people are sick or feeling grief because I feel it so intensely and almost get obsessive about it. I don't just think, "that poor woman", I almost in an ocd way insert myself empathetically to the point where I start to feel the emotions (or what I imagine them to be) very intensely. I generally keep this in check with intentional oblivion. But it doesn't always work.

Living here can be extremely frustrating and I find myself changing in ways that I don't like. Being cynical and intolerant of differences I used to proudly embrace and defend. It's defnitely a season of growth. I may be a bit depressed.

 

[Cehrabehra]

And Monnie - I think I'll wait until I get back to the states for my midlife crisis so I can get a ridiculous car or something

Danny - yeah, I'll just drop you a ring? lol

 

[Imdanny]

And Monnie - I think I'll wait until I get back to the states for my midlife crisis so I can get a ridiculous car or something

Danny - yeah, I'll just drop you a ring? lol

 

[dragonfly411]

Cehra - I don't think you're in a midlife crisis

If you are, then my life is gonna be short b/c I'm in one too.

I think this year has been really taxing for many people. I have felt (especially in the last half of the year) very disoriented, and alone. There are a lot of things contributing for anyone who feels like this, and I think it's just important to try to take time to reflect on the positive things that happen, even if they are minute in comparison.... they are still there.

 

[AGBF]

I always feel guilty because I try to avoid the threads where people are sick or feeling grief because I feel it so intensely and almost get obsessive about it. I don't just think, "that poor woman", I almost in an ocd way insert myself empathetically to the point where I start to feel the emotions (or what I imagine them to be) very intensely. I generally keep this in check with intentional oblivion. But it doesn't always work.

Welcome to the club of people with no boundaries, my dear, dear friend! When kind, empathic people get depressed this happens. I have heard of women in post-partum depressions who cry at television advertisements. I cannot read (or listen on the radio to) any stories about child abuse or animals. Any stories about animals. I know if a story about an animal makes it into the media, there is going to be something sad in it. I don't wait to hear the word "abuse" in the story. I routinely cry about any story about a soldier who came home from a war zone, even if he is well.

It is not generally regarded as healthy to be without boundaries to the extent that I am. It makes me an empathic social worker as long as I stick strictly to the rules of what I am supposed to do when I am with a client (which I always have), but is not a sign of the most resilient ego! There is a saying that I came across years ago. It doesn't really relate to empathy, but to excess in good things. It goes something like, "It is good to have an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out."

In my case, it is good for me to have empathy, but not so much that I fall down and cry beside a client!

My life has been sad for the past few years. I tend to see the sadness in the lives of others very easily. The same may be true of you right now. Your last sentences (which I did not quote) mentioned some of your current feelings of frustration. Talk about it if you think that would help.

Love and hugs,
Deb...always your friend

 

[junebug17]

Cehra, I can really relate to your post. I too am most certainly discombubulated these days. My mother had a stroke a few months ago and I stay with her 4 days out of the week (and 2 nights) and the stress and strain of all the issues associated with being even a part-time caregiver are taking it's toll on me. I'm no hero. I'm not a strong person. I'm doing the best I can, but it's not good enough. I was going to take a pic of myself for the "Let's Match the Names with the Faces" thread because it was so much fun to see what everyone looks like, but I was too horrified by my pic to post it. I have lines that I swear weren't there 2 months ago, and I have these...pouches...under my eyes that I never had before. I am having stomach pains. I know all of this is stress-related, and I'm trying to figure out how to relieve it. But it's hard, in that I can't really control the anxiety. My son is also having problems. It all feels like it's too much, I'm so overwhelmed. The quality of my life has been affected, I really don't feel any joy or happiness (or, if I do, it's very short-lived). I would say I'm depressed and am considering going to counseling.

And I can relate to your feelings of being so upset about the sad things occurring to our PS members and their family/friends. My heart literally breaks for them, my empathy is so extreme that I feel as if I am actually feeling what they are feeling. I think this is because in my case, I am just so emotional right now. I'm in pain and I empathize with others who are in pain. So I understand exactly how you are feeling in that regard.

Well, I did a great job at making this post all about me instead of you. I'm sorry for that. I guess I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in how you are feeling. I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time right now, and I hope you are able to bounce back soon. Hugs to you, I will be keeping you in my thoughts and hoping things improve for you.

 

[AGBF]

Cehra, I can really relate to your post. I too am most certainly discombubulated these days. My mother had a stroke a few months ago and I stay with her 4 days out of the week (and 2 nights) and the stress and strain of all the issues associated with being even a part-time caregiver are taking it's toll on me. I'm no hero. I'm not a strong person. I'm doing the best I can, but it's not good enough. I was going to take a pic of myself for the "Let's Match the Names with the Faces" thread because it was so much fun to see what everyone looks like, but I was too horrified by my pic to post it. I have lines that I swear weren't there 2 months ago, and I have these...pouches...under my eyes that I never had before. I am having stomach pains. I know all of this is stress-related, and I'm trying to figure out how to relieve it. But it's hard, in that I can't really control the anxiety. My son is also having problems. It all feels like it's too much, I'm so overwhelmed. The quality of my life has been affected, I really don't feel any joy or happiness (or, if I do, it's very short-lived). I would say I'm depressed and am considering going to counseling.

And I can relate to your feelings of being so upset about the sad things occurring to our PS members and their family/friends. My heart literally breaks for them, my empathy is so extreme that I feel as if I am actually feeling what they are feeling. I think this is because in my case, I am just so emotional right now. I'm in pain and I empathize with others who are in pain. So I understand exactly how you are feeling in that regard.

Well, I did a great job at making this post all about me instead of you. I'm sorry for that. I guess I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in how you are feeling. I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time right now, and I hope you are able to bounce back soon. Hugs to you, I will be keeping you in my thoughts and hoping things improve for you.

junebug-

I am really glad you posted here, because unless you post in weird places (sorry, Sara, I don't mean you are weird, of course!), I never seem to see your story!

I am so sorry about what you have been going through, and whenever I see you talk about it I relate to it. I have been there. I remember my next door neighbor (our next door neighbor-the woman who lives in the house next to the one in which I grew up and who is now 90, like my father) saying something to me like, "all things pass". And I knew she was right...but I also knew that the time of crisis wouldn't pass until my mother died!!! And, oh, I so much did not want to lose my mother!!!!!! And I so much miss my mother now, two and a half years later! I still dream that she has come back to life.

So I am so sorry for your suffering, junebug. Please feel free to post where I can see you or to write to me!

Big hugs to get through the holidays!
Deb

 

[Porridge]

Others have made great points. I just wanted to drop in and give you hugs and let you know you're not alone in feeling this way sometimes. I experience intense empathy like you describe and it can be hard. I also recognise that feeling like you just could burst with happiness and gratitude at how generally fantastic the world is, but then the lows that can come with that are hard. It's a confusing roller coaster sometimes! Maybe you could try to learn how to stop those dips from taking over your thoughts, to recognise them before they take hold and chase them away.

Don't worry, we all feel like this sometimes. Everything will be ok

Hugs Junebug and Dragonfly. This too shall pass.
Junebug I don't know how you keep going with all the stress you're under. You are doing superhuman things, and you are more than good enough. Please get help so you can see that. It's too much for one person, and you have to take care of yourself first.

 

[Cehrabehra]

(((hugs))) all around... Deb you are an amazing woman! And thank you Porridge... did you get free cheese? Junebug, give yourself a break! Times two! One, it's okay to feel down and frustrated when you have so much on your plate and two, really - a literal break! Something, anything! DF - you're right

 

[Porridge]

And thank you Porridge... did you get free cheese?

Hahaha! And they say our government is incompetent. Well, they showed us! Cheese all round, hooray!!

No I did not see an ounce of this magical economy-rescuing cheese.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I heard about it from a friend - she moved back to Ireland from here in China during the summer.

You know another thing that's really getting to me?? I miss Ireland. Like really bad as the holiday season is blooming. We arrived there December 1 and our first month was the bloom of a wonderfully dark season in a magical land with lots of snow (08-09) in a beautiful luxurious big house (at k-club), with the most unique tree I've ever gotten and some beautiful memories... my whole time living there was insanely special. Funny thing, I never ever felt an urge to go there prior to moving there. Not even for a visit. Everyone was so jealous and all I thought was, well it's an opportunity to see the *rest* of Europe but the main event is China... but boy was I charmed. Everything everywhere is so beautiful, the milk is heavenly, the people are the best part. I even find myself missing the food and the quirky roadways which are the two things I said I wouldn't miss! And it's an ache like being homesick - not just missing a place like oh wow paris was great or I would love to go back to Florence and Amalfi.... but like a real homesick feeling, a sad longing, and I just don't know if I'll ever go back in my life and that makes me sad. I know the country is in utter turmoil right now and I wish I knew how certain people I was friendly with are doing, but didn't retain contact with them. If anyone wants to stop in the little market (there's only one) in Straffan and tell them hello...

 

[Imdanny]

I always feel guilty because I try to avoid the threads where people are sick or feeling grief because I feel it so intensely and almost get obsessive about it. I don't just think, "that poor woman", I almost in an ocd way insert myself empathetically to the point where I start to feel the emotions (or what I imagine them to be) very intensely. I generally keep this in check with intentional oblivion. But it doesn't always work.

Welcome to the club of people with no boundaries, my dear, dear friend! When kind, empathic people get depressed this happens. I have heard of women in post-partum depressions who cry at television advertisements. I cannot read (or listen on the radio to) any stories about child abuse or animals. Any stories about animals. I know if a story about an animal makes it into the media, there is going to be something sad in it. I don't wait to hear the word "abuse" in the story. I routinely cry about any story about a soldier who came home from a war zone, even if he is well.

It is not generally regarded as healthy to be without boundaries to the extent that I am. It makes me an empathic social worker as long as I stick strictly to the rules of what I am supposed to do when I am with a client (which I always have), but is not a sign of the most resilient ego! There is a saying that I came across years ago. It doesn't really relate to empathy, but to excess in good things. It goes something like, "It is good to have an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out."

In my case, it is good for me to have empathy, but not so much that I fall down and cry beside a client!

My life has been sad for the past few years. I tend to see the sadness in the lives of others very easily. The same may be true of you right now. Your last sentences (which I did not quote) mentioned some of your current feelings of frustration. Talk about it if you think that would help.

Love and hugs,
Deb...always your friend

This is the story of how I knew it was time to get a cat. Originally I wanted a bird but SO's heart was never really into getting a bird.

He said I could get a bird if X happened. X happened and then begrudgingly had to agree but I knew he just didn't want to, so I said, "You like cats. Can we get a cat?" So we did.

But what prompted me to go on this kick of wanting a pet (it's a big responsibility, of course, it's a forever commitment, so it seemed to me when we did it and sometime after- like a part of me was kind of like, "ok, look what I did, wow, I kind of can't believe I did this- I really have to deal with it forever- but that's become easier since she grew up and stopped being a kitten- frankly I enjoy her more the calmer she is and she's a better fit for my life now that she's 3).

Ok, I'm not getting to the point. This is somewhat embarrassing. It has something to do with empathy, which is why I'm posting this.

There was a black beetle in the yard next to the front step, and for some reason, it was there for a couple of days. It was moving around and it was adorable. I got up on the morning of the second day, it was very cold outside, and the beetle had died. And I started crying- over a beetle. That's when I knew I had a need to get a pet and be empathetic with a 'companion animal.'

Ok, that's probably one of the most unusual stories ever told at PS, a grown man crying over the death of a beetle, but it really happened. I think I'm a very sensitive, empathetic person. I don't know if that's good or bad. I mean I don't usually cry about bugs, just to be clear, but I'm sensitive to how people feel, and the way people react to me, and just general things that go on in the world, good and bad, affect me very strongly. I guess it's a good quality in a way, but it doesn't make life easy sometimes, if that makes sense.

Sara, Kenny is going to give you my email address. He sent me an email tonight and replied to it. Thank you for being patient with me. I sent you an email but it didn't get delivered to you. Kenny's been trying to help me get this sorted out. I'm grateful to him for that.

 

[Sha]

I haven't read all of the other posts, but I was wondering if part of what you're experiencing might be the Holiday Blues? I think people generally feel they 'should' be happy at Christmastime, because it's such a festive season etc etc, but with the reality of the world around us (people dying, sickness, anxieties about our loves ones, bad things happening every day etc), it's sometimes hard to feel that 'magic'. Combine that cold,dark days, and all the pressure of shopping and cooking and making everything 'perfect' ....well, it's not hard to understand why a lot of people are just not feeling 'their best' during the Holidays.

I've sort of been feeling a bit like that lately (minus the 'winter' part - I live in the Caribbean). I've decided to myself that I'm going to stay grounded and not get overly caught up in all the trappings' of Christmas - but focus on my spiritual growth as well as connecting with my family and friends as much as I can.

 

[AGBF]

There was a black beetle in the yard next to the front step, and for some reason, it was there for a couple of days. It was moving around and it was adorable. I got up on the morning of the second day, it was very cold outside, and the beetle had died. And I started crying- over a beetle. That's when I knew I had a need to get a pet and be empathetic with a 'companion animal.'

I have two reactions to this, Danny. One has, "nothing to do with you" except that you set it in motion. When I was an adolesecent, in prep school, I was assigned the short story, "Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka and also, "In The Penal Colony". I remember my visceral horror at, "In The Penal Colony" and my desire never to read that horrible story again. I did not retain a feeling of horror about, "Metamorphosis", though. I remembered it as the story of a boy who turned into a bug and I didn't really even remember what happened to him after that.

My husband, who is a true intellectual, was trying to introduce our daughter to Kafka last year. It led to his reading, "Metamorphosis" outloud to her at the dinner table. I was shocked at the story! As an adult, what I heard was completely different from what I had, "heard" as an adolescent. Gregor's pitiful attempts to move, his inability to eat what was put before him despite his great hunger, his being wounded by family members who stepped on him were outrageously painful...as Kafka meant them to be. I saw him as totally alone and unable to communicate as he suffered....and then died. How on earth had I not remembered this book whose cruelty took away my breath? Having all this happen to an insect would not have made people empathize with the character, but having Gregor Samsoe become an insect-or, rather, a beetle-forced them to do so.

My second reaction was actually the first one I experienced, Danny. It was in relation to you. It was personal. I hadn't known you as well as you allowed me to know you by sharing the story about the black beetle. I just felt I held your heart in my hands for a moment. I saw you as you must have been when you were a little boy. I know you are all grown up now. But thank you for sharing.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[Imdanny]

I just felt I held your heart in my hands for a moment.

That's one of the nicest things anyone's said to me. Thank you.

Hugs,

Danny

 

[Cehrabehra]

Danny, I was dusting in my living room once, and it wasn't that dusty but I picked up some photo frames to dust under them and there was this lone moth, on its back, so very still, like a pebble. So alone. I felt so bad that it died all alone like that, its last awareness lost behind a frame unable to see the rest of the world. I picked it up and put it in a... okay long story short I still have that moth and I've moved four times since then... it has to go back to 04. She's a goddess. How could I just throw her away? It's so ridiculous that I packed her when we moved here... I didn't BRING her - I'm not *that* nuts

 

[Cehrabehra]

I just felt I held your heart in my hands for a moment.

That's one of the nicest things anyone's said to me. Thank you.

Hugs,

Danny

its funny because I felt very much the same way but had no articulation for it, rather I felt kindred and *safe* to share the social insanity of keeping a dead bug. Well, unless you're one of those bug people and I'm not lol

 

[AGBF]

I picked up some photo frames to dust under them and there was this lone moth, on its back, so very still, like a pebble. So alone. I felt so bad that it died all alone like that, its last awareness lost behind a frame unable to see the rest of the world.

You are a beautiful soul, Sara. You do have to watch out for depression, though. You have a wonderful imagination and very permeable ego boundaries. You easily become the moth. (I know, because it takes one of these people to know one!) You described your life in China in another posting. You have to keep an eye on things. You are not one of the people who can take the blows of life and take it out on others! You take it all to heart.

Hugs,
Deb/AGBF

 

[MonkeyPie]

This thread is making me terribly sad. Also it will remind me never to read Metamorphosis.

 

[AGBF]

This thread is making me terribly sad. Also it will remind me never to read Metamorphosis.

Maybe it's time to protect yourself and go read some other thread about cookies and Christmas music and so forth, Monkeypie! You are too sweet to be brought down by a thread. And I encourage you to avoid Metamorphosis at all costs!

Hugs,
Deb

 

[Cehrabehra]

This thread is making me terribly sad. Also it will remind me never to read Metamorphosis.

Why are you feeling sad? The flip side to this coin is being able to experience amazing levels of joy and sense of beauty and wonderment and awe. Someone here has a sigline that says that souls cannot have rainbows if eyes do not have tears...

I avoid. That's my coping mechanism. I feel guilty about it, but as much as I wish I could protect other people from their suffering, I also need to protect myself.

I'm not sure what is going on with me now, really glad that party last night is over (though we had a great time!) so now I just have to think about christmas and packing for vacation. I'm really looking forward to that. But there is some infiltrating melancholy and I just cannot attribute it to anything except perhaps the winter... but really the days here in the winter are absolutely beautiful blue sunny skies - you just can't step food outside without needing siberian winter gear. It's just weird because I had so much joy all year - waking up to my first thought being a profound joy and gratitude for life. I still feel sincerely grateful but it's lackluster.

 

[Imdanny]

Sara, I never kill bugs. I'm weird like that. When my cat gets her hand on a month and kill it I get very, very upset. I lecture her about how that's bad and unnecessary. I tell her not to kill moths or beetles in no uncertain terms. Of course, she just looks at me.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Sara, I never kill bugs. I'm weird like that. When my cat gets her hand on a month and kill it I get very, very upset. I lecture her about how that's bad and unnecessary. I tell her not to kill moths or beetles in no uncertain terms. Of course, she just looks at me.

I do kill bugs sometimes, though probably not nearly as much as most people... and when I do I always say a little blessing like, "I hope you come back as a much beloved dog" or something equally corny.

 

[Imdanny]

Well, it's true that I'll kill bugs that threaten me, mosquitoes, centipedes, ticks, but I have a soft spot for months and beetles (they're beautiful) and I put spiders outside the house (ok, and I even put cockroaches outside the house). The cat will kill cockroaches half half to death and then just leave them there to die. I don't get it.

 

[Porridge]

I heard about it from a friend - she moved back to Ireland from here in China during the summer.

You know another thing that's really getting to me?? I miss Ireland. Like really bad as the holiday season is blooming. We arrived there December 1 and our first month was the bloom of a wonderfully dark season in a magical land with lots of snow (08-09) in a beautiful luxurious big house (at k-club), with the most unique tree I've ever gotten and some beautiful memories... my whole time living there was insanely special. Funny thing, I never ever felt an urge to go there prior to moving there. Not even for a visit. Everyone was so jealous and all I thought was, well it's an opportunity to see the *rest* of Europe but the main event is China... but boy was I charmed. Everything everywhere is so beautiful, the milk is heavenly, the people are the best part. I even find myself missing the food and the quirky roadways which are the two things I said I wouldn't miss! And it's an ache like being homesick - not just missing a place like oh wow paris was great or I would love to go back to Florence and Amalfi.... but like a real homesick feeling, a sad longing, and I just don't know if I'll ever go back in my life and that makes me sad. I know the country is in utter turmoil right now and I wish I knew how certain people I was friendly with are doing, but didn't retain contact with them. If anyone wants to stop in the little market (there's only one) in Straffan and tell them hello...

Aw do you really! There is something very "home" about Ireland alright. I'm nowhere near Straffan, sorry! I don't know, job wise things are awful. I'm sick of hearing about it. Luckily my friends and I are recent graduates, so although it's very difficult to find jobs, we don't have any big financial commitments (thank heavens for free education!) or families to support. We can go elsewhere to work for now, we don't have ties. I am *very* lucky to be working, especially in my field, but I don't have much hope for career progression here at the moment. But it's fine with me, I always planned to live abroad and travel around for a few years anyway. Things will come around, as they always do.

Come back any time!

 

[Gayletmom]

Sarah, Danny, Deb, Junebug and everyone else who has been posting here, I just wanted to drop in and send you all hugs and prayers. I'm touched that you're so open and willing to share your vulnerabilities. I thought I was the only one who cried about things on the news (last night it was some soldiers coming home). Sometimes I have to stop in my tracks and say a prayer to try to get something off of my mind and heart.

Wishing you all peace and sending love your way.