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nylak

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 1, 2009
Messages
7
I''ve been on this site for a few months but never got around to registering until today. I needed some advice from you insightful ladies. I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and we already live together and got a puppy a few months ago. Well right before christmas he dropped major hints about wanting to get engaged by this time next year and how he can''t wait to marry me. Well when I bring up erings he is receptive. Today he sat there and told me I should really lower my standards on a ring, and that he really isn''t really ready to get engaged anytime soon. I''m totally crushed and I want to know if I''m crazy for feeling this way or should I feel entitled to this hurt? THanks
 

purselover

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 20, 2008
Messages
2,066
First off welcome


Of course you have a right to feel hurt, I would be too if that happened. Is it possible maybe your ering choices cost a lot more than he was expecting, and that's why he said you wouldn't be getting engaged anytime soon? I would flat out ask what happened recently that caused him to change his mind.
 

nylak

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 1, 2009
Messages
7
honestly I have no expectations. I said I love almost any and size never mattered. I Didn''t care if he bought me a hundred dollar ring it''s just knowing that it is really that commitment, and wanting to actually want to spend the rest of our lives together. Apparently I''m crazy because I should be fine with waiting until he is ready to ask me. I just feel hopeless, and thought i was getting somewhere around christmas.
 

jmtomaui

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 10, 2006
Messages
390
I have to agree on asking him what has changed that he wants to delay getting engaged. It may be that he is - rightfully so - worried about the current state of our economy. What does he do for a living? Is he worried about being laid off? Is he trying to put money away as a cushion if he does get laid off? Is he paying ahead on bills on that chance?

I don''t want to be a downer on all of this. Believe me, I remember LIW feelings when I was waiting. But if you live in the U.S. you can''t help but to be aware of the state of our country these days and want to have a sense of "being OK" if something happens.

I do hope you get the solid answers you are looking for. Just remember to be calm in asking him, sit quietly to listen, and then have a joint discussion on what the future holds for the 2 of you and how you will face it, and make decisions, together.
 

nylak

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 1, 2009
Messages
7
not to mention that since june he was talking about promise rings,(which is cute and very meaningful) to christmas wanting to be engaged soon and telling me how he couldn''t imagine spending his life without me.
 

mrscushion

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 15, 2008
Messages
3,309
Hey nylak, welcome, I'm glad you joined and got around to posting. First off, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I think from the way you've described your interactions with your SO before Christmas and now, it does sound like he's changed his mind a bit, so I can see how you are feeling disappointed. I agree with Purselover, could you maybe sit down with him and ask him whether he's changed his point of view from before Christmas, and if so, how come?

Generally speaking I think that while we love dropping hints about the rings we want, it can be overwhelming for the guys in our lives. I know that when I've shared what I learned on Pricescope with my boyfriend in the past, he got anxious because he wasn't sure if he was going to meet my "very specific requirements." So I made sure he knows that not only do I completely trust that he will pick out the perfect ring, but that I am going to love the ring he gives me to death because it represents our love and commitment -- regardless of the specs.

ETA: while I was typing my response, I saw that you posted a couple more times. Sounds like you didn't give him many specifics on the ring, so please disregard what I say above. Still, I think you just have to ask him what made him change his mind. For what it's worth, though, a year is not a long time to be dating. I get that by Christmas you'd be dating for two years, but still, I feel that's still on the lower end. Of course if you have expectations on when you want to be engaged by, it doesn't hurt letting him know and seeing what he says.
 

Definitely. Maybe

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 12, 2009
Messages
582
I agree with the others and think you should sit down with him and talk about what has changed. Also, I think jmtomaui has a lot of good questions that should be answered too. Hopefully that will at least put your mind at ease and the two of you can get back on the same page.

You do have a right to feel the way you do. Just keep your head up and try to figure out where it changed.

Welcome to Pricescope! :)
 

nylak

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 1, 2009
Messages
7
So ladies here''s what happened. I only had a short while to talk to him because he had to leave for work, (bartender). (Which really makes great money for when we are ready to actually do this e-ring thing since we live in a ranked party school area). After leaving him alone for a couple of hours so we could both mellow out we sat down and talked about things. He was very pleasant with this conversation and I feel like we really accomplished a lot. When I asked him what was going on with us and the comments that he has made in the last few months he said, that I have been kind on his case since Christmas with the whole e-ring deal which I can understand because as soon as I knew that he wanted to get married too I put the pressure on. He said that his feelings have never changed he still wants all that just I''m really putting on the pressure. He told me that he really wants to ask me, however he wants to do it in his time but could definitely be in the next 8 months(which is totally understandable). I guess I need to just let the pressure off some, especially knowing that this is something that he actually wants with me. I love him so much and I guess that old a-holes made me very hesitant with the whole trust and commitment deal. Thanks so much for the advice ladies, and I guess as it has been said numerous times on here I''ve just got to let go of the pressure and it will come.
 

Definitely. Maybe

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 12, 2009
Messages
582
I am glad the talk went well with your BF. 8 months sounds great! From what you said it sounds like he still does want this and pretty soon... I would even consider that "girl soon."
tee hee.

Feel free to stay over here on PS, because most of the people on here have been through these LIW anxieties and can really help you out... Plus, it is a fun escape from real life. :)
 

sba771

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 1, 2008
Messages
887
I am glad that your have a timeline now. When I first read your post it actually reminded me of my situation last year. We were also dating about a year, living together and bought a dog. We had discussed e-rings often and then one day his reaction/response when I said something totally changed and was surprising and negative. It turns out he had already purchased the ring and was having a guy moment of being insecure and what if he couldn''t please me. Maybe, for all you know, he already has the ring and is getting a little nervous and stuff. Maybe it will be sooner than 8 months! You never know
 

Sharon101

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 5, 2007
Messages
919
Date: 2/1/2009 8:42:08 PM
Author: nylak
So ladies here''s what happened. I only had a short while to talk to him because he had to leave for work, (bartender). (Which really makes great money for when we are ready to actually do this e-ring thing since we live in a ranked party school area). After leaving him alone for a couple of hours so we could both mellow out we sat down and talked about things. He was very pleasant with this conversation and I feel like we really accomplished a lot. When I asked him what was going on with us and the comments that he has made in the last few months he said, that I have been kind on his case since Christmas with the whole e-ring deal which I can understand because as soon as I knew that he wanted to get married too I put the pressure on. He said that his feelings have never changed he still wants all that just I''m really putting on the pressure. He told me that he really wants to ask me, however he wants to do it in his time but could definitely be in the next 8 months(which is totally understandable). I guess I need to just let the pressure off some, especially knowing that this is something that he actually wants with me. I love him so much and I guess that old a-holes made me very hesitant with the whole trust and commitment deal. Thanks so much for the advice ladies, and I guess as it has been said numerous times on here I''ve just got to let go of the pressure and it will come.
It is great that you got to talk about this with him. And although it is traditional for the guy to ask the big question in his own time, this also went along with other old fashioned ways of living eg. not living together before marriage etc.

In these modern times, women give everything that they would as if they were married and it seems unfair that in some cases they must wait until the guy decides he is ready. When I say give, I dont just mean sex....we give our time, labour, commitment and financial contributions. Marriage should not be just when one person decides....and until then he holds all the cards.

Give yourself a timeline and until then make sure that you live a bit for yourself. Have your own money that is just for you, invest in your friendships, and keep up with your own interests. It doesnt hurt to give him some space and to keep your independance.

I personally dont think he should be chastising you for wanting to get married while he is more than happy making out that you are one big happy family with home and dog etc. The lead up to getting married should be a happy time, not a time for one person to feel like they have no power in the relationship.

Of course, take or leave this advice as Im only talking in generalizations, and I may have got it all wrong about you guys.

I just want you to look out for yourself because you are worth it!!!!
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2008
Messages
4,511
Date: 2/1/2009 8:42:08 PM
Author: nylak
So ladies here''s what happened. I only had a short while to talk to him because he had to leave for work, (bartender). (Which really makes great money for when we are ready to actually do this e-ring thing since we live in a ranked party school area). After leaving him alone for a couple of hours so we could both mellow out we sat down and talked about things. He was very pleasant with this conversation and I feel like we really accomplished a lot. When I asked him what was going on with us and the comments that he has made in the last few months he said, that I have been kind on his case since Christmas with the whole e-ring deal which I can understand because as soon as I knew that he wanted to get married too I put the pressure on. He said that his feelings have never changed he still wants all that just I''m really putting on the pressure. He told me that he really wants to ask me, however he wants to do it in his time but could definitely be in the next 8 months(which is totally understandable). I guess I need to just let the pressure off some, especially knowing that this is something that he actually wants with me. I love him so much and I guess that old a-holes made me very hesitant with the whole trust and commitment deal. Thanks so much for the advice ladies, and I guess as it has been said numerous times on here I''ve just got to let go of the pressure and it will come.
Man and Woman, our timelines are just different. For a guy... 8 months IS SOON. We hear I want to be engaged soon and think by soon, we think 8 weeks. Guys just have a different sense about this all, which is just frustrating. Glad you got this ironed out.

Plus, not to be debbie downer, but some bars because they have lost patrons because of current economic times, have cut back on hours, and some patrons are cutting back on tips. ESP to bartenders.

Also, guys put their own expectations onto the ring, that we women never do. As the ring has been deemed by some people in society, a MEASURE of a man''s worth... or even a measure of his LOVE. Stupid, but it happens... 2 months salary, becomes 3 months, and some guys spend sometimes even more than that to LOOK like they make more... Since they are the ones that have to put the $$$ where their mouth is by proposing, it just takes them a little longer than it does us.

Best wishes, just lay low, but do keep an internal timeline of how long you''ll be willing to wait. It is a partnership, not a dictatorship.
 

Winks_Elf

Brilliant_Rock
Trade
Joined
Nov 28, 2008
Messages
1,673
How long have you two been living together?
 

caribqueen

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 22, 2008
Messages
507
Nylak, it sounds like you have recently gotten some clarity on your relationship which is good. Not to be a downer, but IMHO almost a year of dating is still pretty early in a relationship. Others may not agree with me, but it''s a personal preference. Often, we women concentrate on getting the ring without first knowing what our FF''s total financial situation is. These are conversations better had before getting the ring and not after. I''m generalizing here, but he may be hesitant for a number of reasons. Because you live together, you may be privy to everything, but I think the more time it takes to get to know someone before marriage (a couple years) the better prepared you can be for that big committment. The person you are with 1 year into the relationship, can be a different person for good or bad than 3 years in. So, I say look at the positive and that is that you have time to make sure that he is the right person for you down the road. And let the ring go for now.
 

LaraOnline

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 24, 2008
Messages
3,365
I think 8 months is a really great, workable timeframe on all fronts (imo)
congratulations on finding such a reasonable and considerate boyfriend!
 

jcarlylew82

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 23, 2008
Messages
413
Date: 2/1/2009 8:42:08 PM
Author: nylak
So ladies here''s what happened. I only had a short while to talk to him because he had to leave for work, (bartender). (Which really makes great money for when we are ready to actually do this e-ring thing since we live in a ranked party school area). After leaving him alone for a couple of hours so we could both mellow out we sat down and talked about things. He was very pleasant with this conversation and I feel like we really accomplished a lot. When I asked him what was going on with us and the comments that he has made in the last few months he said, that I have been kind on his case since Christmas with the whole e-ring deal which I can understand because as soon as I knew that he wanted to get married too I put the pressure on. He said that his feelings have never changed he still wants all that just I''m really putting on the pressure. He told me that he really wants to ask me, however he wants to do it in his time but could definitely be in the next 8 months(which is totally understandable). I guess I need to just let the pressure off some, especially knowing that this is something that he actually wants with me. I love him so much and I guess that old a-holes made me very hesitant with the whole trust and commitment deal. Thanks so much for the advice ladies, and I guess as it has been said numerous times on here I''ve just got to let go of the pressure and it will come.
this makes a lot of sense, because i did the same thing. the second E mentioned marriage, i got on a one track mind about it. and its hard to see that when you are in it, until some one pointed it out. So, I would say maybe back down a bit (in a good way!) and let him progress a bit on his own. and remember the golden rule
guy time IS NOT THE SAME as girl time. Maybe there is a reason why guys are always late?
 

Winks_Elf

Brilliant_Rock
Trade
Joined
Nov 28, 2008
Messages
1,673
I have to agree with Sharon. A year of dating may not be a lot of time, but you are not dating anymore. You are co-habitating. That''s quite a bit more serious than just dating.

First he brings it up and was all excited and was telling you how much he wants to marry you, but now that you are actually living together, he feels pressured? WTF??? I don''t know when your lease is up, but I strongly suggest you keep a savings account just in your name, and start saving up for your own place, in case that 8 months comes and goes and he''s still "feeling pressured." I''ve seen so many women get sucked into living together, and once they are the guy has no intention (or really no reason) to propose or get married. Why buy the cow when you''re getting the milk for free? It''s an old saying, but there is some real merit there. If he''s not ready to propose, and "feeling pressured", you really should not be living with him.
 

AllieGator

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Dec 1, 2008
Messages
316
If I were you, I'd sit down and talk to him about it. This does appear to be a 180 from what he was saying before, so I think asking him will get you the most direct answer. Good luck!

EDITED: I didn't read the entire thread...I'm glad that you're talk went well!
 
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