Dilemma-would you buy a stone from your daughters ering?

[luv2sparkle]

My beautiful daughter is divorcing her scum-bag husband. She had a lovely engagement ring. I advised her to keep it and maybe
make it into a pendant. My opinion is: a girl only gets so many diamonds in her life, you might as well hang on the the ones you've
got. I don't really believe in bad karma or whatever. She was going to do that. It is a 1 carat I VS1 with a pretty good cut. It was
EGL certed, but it has a lot of fire and sparkle and really compares with my I VS2 rather nicely. It has two about .20-25 little square
cuts next to it. They weren't princess, but some other kind of special cut.

She is living at home. She knows that she should move out, and get her own place so she is thinking of selling her ring. I told her
I would go with her to a couple stores and see what they would give her or consign it for. She posed to me that I should buy it and then
she could pay off her car (3K).

It seems a little weird to me but, here is the deal. Her car is backed by a saving loan through our account, I would have to just make
the 300 per month payments for another 10 months. She is my only daughter and ALL of my jewelry will one day be hers. (she can share
what she wants with boys). If I made a pendant of the stone she would eventually get it back.

This scenario is running through my head: some wonderful guy wants to marry her, (did I say she is stunningly beautiful?) and he has
5K to spend on a ring, maybe she would want to use the stone, until they could afford another and just buy a setting, I would have it
waiting for her.

What would you do? Is it just too weird?

Hubby is not quite on board, but I am sure if I really wanted to do it, he would be okay with it.

 

[Circe]

When I'd just read the title, I was going to say, "Erk, no" ... but having read your reasoning, it sounds like you just want to make sure your daughter has enough money, and this is a way that she and your husband can rationalize it. So under those circumstances, I say yeah. Only question is, are you sure it won't be weird to wear the stone? Even if it's not weird for you - you sound like you have a wonderfully non-sentimental view towards these things - are you sure your daughter won't be subconsciously resentful that you haven't just given her the money?

 

[luv2sparkle]

Originally, this is exactly what I thought. I thought she would be a little bugged to see me wear it, and I wasn't even going to suggest it.
But she brought it up. She wears a lot of my jewelry now, so I wouldn't mind her wearing it occasionally.

She said if the ring paid off her car she would at least get one thing out of the marriage. I get that, I know she really loves the ring
but she wouldn't wear it as a ring again even on her right hand that would be too weird.

She really doesn't WANT to sell it. She would rather keep it. She won't have the money for awhile to re-set it. She says she would be
okay with me wearing it, but I am not so sure. But what I do know is, once it is gone, it's gone. I think she might be sorry about that
later. If she had the money and wanted it back later, I would be more than happy to let her have it back. I would just be sort of
borrowing it for her.

It does just seem a little weird... Hubbys first reaction was "Are you serious, no way", but when I told him I wanted to buy a stone for
a pendant, and that would be at least 5K, probably more, and I wouldn't have to take anything out of our savings just make her loan
payment-he could see it. He is still not crazy about it.

 

[iheartscience]

Originally, this is exactly what I thought. I thought she would be a little bugged to see me wear it, and I wasn't even going to suggest it.
But she brought it up. She wears a lot of my jewelry now, so I wouldn't mind her wearing it occasionally.

She said if the ring paid off her car she would at least get one thing out of the marriage. I get that, I know she really loves the ring
but she wouldn't wear it as a ring again even on her right hand that would be too weird.

She really doesn't WANT to sell it. She would rather keep it. She won't have the money for awhile to re-set it. She says she would be
okay with me wearing it, but I am not so sure. But what I do know is, once it is gone, it's gone. I think she might be sorry about that
later. If she had the money and wanted it back later, I would be more than happy to let her have it back. I would just be sort of
borrowing it for her.

It does just seem a little weird... Hubbys first reaction was "Are you serious, no way", but when I told him I wanted to buy a stone for
a pendant, and that would be at least 5K, probably more, and I wouldn't have to take anything out of our savings just make her loan
payment-he could see it. He is still not crazy about it.

As long as you make the bolded clear to her (and as long as you really won't mind selling it back to her when the time comes) I don't think there's anything wrong with your plan.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I really wouldn't, but she told she told me this morning, that she can't ever see herself wearing it again or putting money into it since it came from her ex. She hasn't always felt this way, so I am wondering if that might change in the future. She said she can't see any man ever being okay with her wearing it.

if that is the case, she would be better off just selling it. it would be a cheap diamond for me, but if she wouldn't wear it ever it would be a bit pointless. I would rather spend more on one she would enjoy wearing. I just don't know if she could get 3k out of it even.

 

[Circe]

I know that though I try to be unsentimental, at the end of the day, I am. I have a metric ton of ex-jewelry, some of which I told myself I could wear again, since it wasn't that sentimental, and good quality. But at the end of the day? Every time I try putting a piece of it on, five minutes later, I tear it off.

It does seem like a pity to lose money, though. Is there any chance the dealer they originally bought it from has a trade-up policy? Perhaps that way, if you bought it from her and she got engaged in the future, then they could add a little to it to make it "mind-clean?" I don't know if I'd suggest that now, though, or count on it: if she's still in the throes of divorce, I bet the last thing she's thinking about is romance.

I say, if you actually like the stone and your daughter says it wouldn't creep her out to see it on you occasionally ... buy it, but without any concrete plans for reuse in the future. If it would creep her out ... help her sell it and get as much as she can elsewhere, and see if you and your husband can maybe just loan her the difference to pay off the car?

 

[Miss Sparkly]

In my opinion what your daughter is really saying is "Mom, I'm going through a difficult situation right now and would like to be able to move out and move on with my life. I can't quite afford that yet because of my obligations to my car. It would be a great help if you could assist me in my car payments, but because I don't want to mooch off of you, we will call it buying my old diamond instead that you have something in return. This way I will also know that my stone is never gone and available to me if needed/wanted"

I could be way into left field as I don't know you or your daughter....

eta: guess I just echoed the other posts, should have read them first!

In my area if the stone was pawned she would be lucky to get about $900 for it. Consignment could take a very long time but is your best option. When I sold two of my loose stones it took over a year an a jewelers before they sold. Unfortunately diamonds are plentiful and the generic public seems more focused on the size for their money than the quality (which is probably why Kay's is always so busy when I go to the mall )

 

[luv2sparkle]

I know that though I try to be unsentimental, at the end of the day, I am. I have a metric ton of ex-jewelry, some of which I told myself I could wear again, since it wasn't that sentimental, and good quality. But at the end of the day? Every time I try putting a piece of it on, five minutes later, I tear it off.

It does seem like a pity to lose money, though. Is there any chance the dealer they originally bought it from has a trade-up policy? Perhaps that way, if you bought it from her and she got engaged in the future, then they could add a little to it to make it "mind-clean?" I don't know if I'd suggest that now, though, or count on it: if she's still in the throes of divorce, I bet the last thing she's thinking about is romance.

I say, if you actually like the stone and your daughter says it wouldn't creep her out to see it on you occasionally ... buy it, but without any concrete plans for reuse in the future. If it would creep her out ... help her sell it and get as much as she can elsewhere, and see if you and your husband can maybe just loan her the difference to pay off the car?

That is kind of what I am afraid of. After talking with her this morning, I am leaning toward her just selling it. I wouldn't outright give
her the money. We have helped her a lot, and I think it is time for her to not lean on mom and dad financially anymore. If she will
always feel the stone has bad connotations attached to it, it is much better to let it go. This is the first time I have heard her say that.
This weekend she had reasons to be mad and feel like a fool by her ex even more, so I think this is part of what I am hearing now.

We would always be there for our kids if they really needed it, but at some point they need to stand on their own. I can afford to be
unsentimental toward this stone because I haven't lived with what she has and I think she is so far above her ex. To me it is just a thing,
like a piece of furniture, but if I was in her shoes, I am not sure I would feel that way. She could use the money but I think it will be
hard for her to get a pittance of what she knows it is worth. But if she feels that way about the stone, why would I want to wear it?

 

[luv2sparkle]

In my opinion what your daughter is really saying is "Mom, I'm going through a difficult situation right now and would like to be able to move out and move on with my life. I can't quite afford that yet because of my obligations to my car. It would be a great help if you could assist me in my car payments, but because I don't want to mooch off of you, we will call it buying my old diamond instead that you have something in return. This way I will also know that my stone is never gone and available to me if needed/wanted"

I could be way into left field as I don't know you or your daughter....

eta: guess I just echoed the other posts, should have read them first!

In my area if the stone was pawned she would be lucky to get about $900 for it. Consignment could take a very long time but is your best option. When I sold two of my loose stones it took over a year an a jewelers before they sold. Unfortunately diamonds are plentiful and the generic public seems more focused on the size for their money than the quality (which is probably why Kay's is always so busy when I go to the mall )

Sparkly, my reasons were really only preserving the diamond for her in case she would want to wear it in some other form again.
If she really was in a spot and couldn't make her car payment, it is paid ahead enough that she could miss a payment. She is a hair
stylist and wants to get a clientele going closer to home rather than where she works now. She heard from an old friend who got
divorced that she only got $500 for her e-ring, but I don't know anything about her friends ring. I am thinking she should call Jewels
by Erica Grace. The setting is pretty beat up but the diamonds are nice and would make a great start to a recycle project for someone
else. I will give her a few days and see how she feels. It is totally up to her.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

In my opinion what your daughter is really saying is "Mom, I'm going through a difficult situation right now and would like to be able to move out and move on with my life. I can't quite afford that yet because of my obligations to my car. It would be a great help if you could assist me in my car payments, but because I don't want to mooch off of you, we will call it buying my old diamond instead that you have something in return. This way I will also know that my stone is never gone and available to me if needed/wanted"

I could be way into left field as I don't know you or your daughter....

eta: guess I just echoed the other posts, should have read them first!

In my area if the stone was pawned she would be lucky to get about $900 for it. Consignment could take a very long time but is your best option. When I sold two of my loose stones it took over a year an a jewelers before they sold. Unfortunately diamonds are plentiful and the generic public seems more focused on the size for their money than the quality (which is probably why Kay's is always so busy when I go to the mall )

Sparkly, my reasons were really only preserving the diamond for her in case she would want to wear it in some other form again.
If she really was in a spot and couldn't make her car payment, it is paid ahead enough that she could miss a payment. She is a hair
stylist and wants to get a clientele going closer to home rather than where she works now. She heard from an old friend who got
divorced that she only got $500 for her e-ring, but I don't know anything about her friends ring. I am thinking she should call Jewels
by Erica Grace. The setting is pretty beat up but the diamonds are nice and would make a great start to a recycle project for someone
else. I will give her a few days and see how she feels. It is totally up to her.

If the reasons are not financial but but rather, "there may be a future fiance AND he may not be flush enough to buy a ring AND he may want her to use her ex husband's stone" or "perhaps my daughter will want to wear the diamond which was a symbol of a failed marriage to a scumbag", both scenarios seem... might unlikely. Also, mighty unlucky.

(The only way keeping the ring in family makes sense is if "selling" it at an above-market rate allows you to transfer money to her in a time when she needs it in a mildly deceptive way if yours is a family structure which would make a straight transfer of money between parent and adult child some sort of moral failing/handout. But if yours is not one of those families, the "diamond for my cash" plan is irrelevant and kind of illogical. Besides, this particular diamond isn't a treasured heirloom, but nearly the opposite.)

 

[Haven]

Luv2sparkle--You sound like a very caring, thoughtful mom. I'm really touched by your concern for your daughter, and all of the things you're taking into consideration for her and her future feelings about this stone. I wish more moms were like you, Luv2, really I do.

It sounds to me like you're dealing with some competing feelings here--you want to support your daughter, but you want her to be able to make it on her own. You want to preserve this stone for her in case she wants it in the future, but you're unsure whether she'd ever want to wear it again. I imagine this must be the most difficult thing about being a parent to adult children--letting go when you still have the instinct to do everything you can for them.

I think your current plan to give her a few days to think about it is the way to go. Perhaps she will come back to you with a clearer idea of what she needs from you, and then you can go from there.

The worst case in this scenario is that she loses money on the sale of the stone to a third party, but that really isn't such a horrible thing in the long run. Sometimes, ridding ourselves of the physical reminders of our past is a really cleansing thing, and while her pockets may be lighter than if she sold the stone to you, I imagine her shoulders will feel quite a lift, as well.

Whatever you end up doing, I imagine the most valuable thing here is that your daughter knows that you are there for her and doing your best to support her during this very difficult time in her life. That alone is worth the value of ten of her diamonds, if you ask me.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Fleur-you are absolutely right. Up until recently she sounded like she might want to wear it in some other form someday. It sounds
like it has changed for her a bit and I totally understand the reasons why. Although she shares my love of sparklies I know that
she also shares a bit of my practical side in not wanting to let go of something that would cost so much more to buy again some day,
should she ever want another stone for say a pendant.

Plus, it would quite simply be so much easier for her if I bought it. But it is not really in her best interest if I make everything easier
for her. There is great value in her deciding for herself and taking the action herself. The strength you get from walking through the
hard stuff and getting to the other side.


Haven, thank you so much for your sweet comments. You really touched my heart. There were times, when my daughter was a teen,
that I despaired of ever having a close relationship with her. We really didn't like it other much then. As she has aged, surprisingly
(probably much to her dismay) she is very much like me. At times, we share the same brain and will say the exact same thing
simultaneously.

You are right. It is not really all that important if she loses money on this ring. It could be really cleansing. I look forward to the day
that she is totally happy and hopefully has a marriage that brings her joy. I will give her time to think about it.

 

[yennyfire]

I can't imagine that she'll ever want to wear that stone again, in any shape or form. I realize that she'll get less for selling it than she will if you "buy" it from her in exchange for car payments, but she needs to make a clean break from this man and that stone, jmho as one who's been there....

 

[Amys Bling]

I can't imagine that she'll ever want to wear that stone again, in any shape or form. I realize that she'll get less for selling it than she will if you "buy" it from her in exchange for car payments, but she needs to make a clean break from this man and that stone, jmho as one who's been there....

I agree with this. A clean break is needed.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I hear you Yenny. he has just recently gone from a pathetic human being to a scumbag, so up until this weekend, I think her feelings were a little different. The papers have all been filed so now it is just a matter of time.

I recently inherited a stone from a relative who had deeply betrayed and hurt me and I just had it recut and set into a pair of earrings,
So I think she kind of thought it would be easy for her to do too. But it is not the same as a husband.

 

[lbbaber]

I gave away my 1st ering (a GIA 1ct E VS1 beautiful cut diamond) after a nasty divorce--as nasty as it gets--abandoned me and my 1yr old son while I was sick w/a brain tumor--disappeared for over a year! Anyway, the person I gave it to ended up selling it.

Now it is 5 years later and I am remarried and I could kick myself for not keeping it. I would have NO PROBLEM putting that stone in a pendant and neither would my DH. To top it off, the family member I gave it to no longer has it herself!!

I say help your daughter out by taking over her payments and enjoy the stone. Once the anger over the divorce subsides, the feelings toward the diamond will mellow too (IMO). And with diamond prices rising, you would be a fool to get rid of this one at an extremely low price only to buy another at todays prices.

Just thought I'd chime in bc I honestly regret giving mine away.

 

[maplefemme]

I gave away my 1st ering (a GIA 1ct E VS1 beautiful cut diamond) after a nasty divorce--as nasty as it gets--abandoned me and my 1yr old son while I was sick w/a brain tumor--disappeared for over a year! Anyway, the person I gave it to ended up selling it.

Now it is 5 years later and I am remarried and I could kick myself for not keeping it. I would have NO PROBLEM putting that stone in a pendant and neither would my DH. To top it off, the family member I gave it to no longer has it herself!!

I say help your daughter out by taking over her payments and enjoy the stone. Once the anger over the divorce subsides, the feelings toward the diamond will mellow too (IMO). And with diamond prices rising, you would be a fool to get rid of this one at an extremely low price only to buy another at todays prices.

Just thought I'd chime in bc I honestly regret giving mine away.

This is awful, I hope you are well now. I feel where you are coming from, truly, but I am the opposite. I also had a terrible breakup I never saw coming and he hosed me for a LOT of money, I lost everything and not just money.
I bought a helium balloon from the $1 store and tied my rings to the ribbon and let it go in the field near my house - ADIOS!
Felt great, cathartic and then some, I don't regret it one bit. I hope someone deserving got them though they are likely up in a tree in the mountains...whatever, wherever, they aren't in my thoughts.
But we are all different....
I think what Haven wrote was really touching, so nice, and I share her sentiments luv2sparkle, you're a good Mom.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I gave away my 1st ering (a GIA 1ct E VS1 beautiful cut diamond) after a nasty divorce--as nasty as it gets--abandoned me and my 1yr old son while I was sick w/a brain tumor--disappeared for over a year! Anyway, the person I gave it to ended up selling it.

Now it is 5 years later and I am remarried and I could kick myself for not keeping it. I would have NO PROBLEM putting that stone in a pendant and neither would my DH. To top it off, the family member I gave it to no longer has it herself!!

I say help your daughter out by taking over her payments and enjoy the stone. Once the anger over the divorce subsides, the feelings toward the diamond will mellow too (IMO). And with diamond prices rising, you would be a fool to get rid of this one at an extremely low price only to buy another at todays prices.

Just thought I'd chime in bc I honestly regret giving mine away.

Ibbaber, I am so glad you made it through that awful time. What an horrible thing to do to you and your son. Hugs

 

[luv2sparkle]

Maplefemme, what a kick, good for you! I can imagine that would be so freeing....

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Another thought, maybe a jeweler would let her trade the stone for one worth a little less...either under a carat or a carat but J VS2 or something. Then she has a stone with no baggage even if you "buy" it from her and save it for her later. It is a shame to outright sell it for much less than it would cost to replace it.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I can see both sides.

When my first engagement fell apart, I was left with a little bit of jewelry. My ex had given me a 3 stone diamond oval ring that was 2cttw. It was beautiful, and I can be objective about that. But, I didn't want it--couldn't wear it. I sold it. I have never, ever regretted letting it go. It was a symbol of our disastrous relationship and I wanted no part of keeping it around.

When I met my now-husband and got engaged, honestly, that ring (had I kept it) wouldn't have come within 10 feet of my relationship. If my husband couldn't have afford a ring, so be it, but I would have never put him on the spot by being like "since you can't...". I would have never been able to wear the ring with pride knowing it came from such an unsavory place.

However...

I get that your daughter is starting down a new path and may need the help. I think you're an outstanding mother for wanting to assist her as she gets back on her feet.

But, I don't think it needs to be one or the other. She should decide, in her own time, what the right thing is for her. If she's coming to you financially, it's probably because she needs it, and the diamond is what she has to offer in exchange. If you can and are willing, maybe give her a loan for the car--but keep the diamond out of it. As time passes and she heals and rebuilds her life, she may decide she no longer wants the ring, then maybe she will sell it to repay the loan or gift you the diamond as a pay off... or maybe she'll keep it as a memory of better times and reset it.

This is a tough decision...and I wish you all the best in making it.