Dilemma...help! (asscherisme, please chime in!)

[robbie3982]

I have a 15 year old cousin(second cousin once removed I think?), M, who lives in another state. He and I have never been very close due to our age difference and growing up far away from eachother, but we''re facebook friends as we are with all of our other cousins our age.

For those of you not familiar with facebook, it''s a social networking site and one of its features is called the news feed. The news feed is an update of recent things your friends have done such as joining groups, adding friends, posting on other friends'' walls, etc. Recently M''s been joining some groups with some rather sexual names. I mentioned it to my mom the other day and she freaked out a bit and wanted to call his aunt who she''s very close to. This past April we found out from M''s mom that he''s autistic. I always thought he was just really shy. I think my mom was freaking out because she feels he needs to be protected more because of this. I assured her that groups on facebook are really just people talking and it''s not like they''re actually pornographic or anything so she calmed down and decided not to call his aunt. I also assured her that all of our other cousins could see exactly what I was seeing including his first cousin who he''s probably closest to out of all of us.

Well, I decided to click on one of his groups with a questionable name and, uh, I guess there either is no rule about pornography on facebook or it''s just not enforced because it was definitely pornographic. Pictures and the posts.

So now I''m at a loss for what to do. DH thinks it''s perfectly fine and just a normal 15 year old guy thing to do, but I keep wondering if my mom is right and it''s different because he''s autistic. I really don''t know much about autism or even what type of autism he has. My sister is almost 2 years older than M and is mentally handicapped and I know that even though she''s practically 17 I would freak out if she was joining the groups M''s joining not just because she''s my little sister, but because I know she wouldn''t understand and I think this is where my mom''s coming from.

I definitely wasn''t lying when I told my mom that his groups weren''t pornographic, I was just misinformed, but now that I know better, should I say something to her? I know she''ll run and tell his aunt who will then tell his parents.

Advice please!!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Hmm, this is really tough...

I think that, depending on the degree of his autism, you might just want to leave the situation alone. I know that you''re concerned, and I would be too...but from what I''ve learned about children with disabilities, they hate to singled out and made to feel that they cannot do what "other" kids are doing. I think looking up pornographic sites is normal for a 15 year old boy. While the information may make you uncomfortable...he''s just curious, and interested. If you''re really concerned...have a male that M would feel comfortable with breech the topic with him from an educational stand point as opposed to a "we''re trying to protect you" way.

I could be totally wrong, but, that''s just how I would handle the issue.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hey Robbie, does he realize that everyone can see what he''s looking at? If autism makes people have trouble understanding interpersonal relations, maybe he doesn''t understand how people will react to knowing what he''s looking at.

It''s like he''s looking at ****, in public, if you see what I mean. And maybe his autism prevents him from seeing how inappropriate that is. In which case, perhaps someone (BUT NOT HIS MOM!!!! His dad if anyone. Geez, your mom commenting on your **** habit sounds scarring for a 15 yr old boy to me) should talk to him about ****. How it''s degrading, what the industry is like, and why you shouldn''t look at it in public.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Ugh, this is a tough one. I''m not sure parents can totally screen what teenagers look at on the internet, but I might be unhappy if relatives knew my child was doing this and didn''t tell me. I agree that it would be best if his dad talked to him about it. That boy could be led into a dangerous situation because of not reading social uses.

To give you a true example, I know someone''s son (age 14) who one day had an older man (met on the internet) come to the parent''s front door to pick him up to take him to a movie!!! Naturally the parents had a heart attack and had some very serious discussion about appropriate contacts on the internet and monitoring more. Thank God they were home and protected the child from a predator!

So in thinking about this, yes, you need to tell someone or you could be partially responsible if something happened to him as a result of these kinds of contacts on the internet. Better to be on the safe side on this one.

 

[KimberlyH]

Robbie,

People with autism do struggle with social cues and understanding of social relationships but it''s a spectrum disorder and it may or may not be a factor in this situation (meaning there are very high functioning people on the autism spectrum who have learned to understand the innuendos of social interaction). Either way, your husband is right, it''s a normal thing for a 15 year old boy to do, but that doesn''t mean it''s appropriate. If I were in your shoes I would have my mom tell my aunt about this in a gentle way, for example: X you may want to have a look at the people Y is interacting with on the internet through facebook as he may be making some poor choices about his use of a computer.

Tough sitation, Robbie, I hope it works out for the best.

 

[bee*]

I''m not sure if I would tell the mother or not. I do think that it''s just a normal thing that 15 year old boys will be curious about. I probably would get your mom to say it to your aunt, just to be on the safe side though. Even if it''s just to make sure that he doesn''t give out any personal details on those sites.

 

[surfgirl]

robbie, if it was me, I''d talk with his father or uncle or someone male, older, whom he has a good, trusted relationship with. It''s unclear what his capacity to interact with others is and it seems like it would be important for someone to "have the talk" with him if that hasn''t already happened. From what I know from others, there seems to be a reluctance at times, for parents to discuss sex with kids who have mental disabilities, as if they''re not going to feel similar feelings that other kids their age have. For that reason alone, I''d think it would be important that he understand such things and the **** could be addressed along with all of that discussion.

As for not being able to monitor a kids internet viewing habits, I totally disagree. Parents can absolutely monitor a kids viewing habits by not setting up their rooms to be havens where they lock themselves away and do whatever they want to with their own TVs, their own PCs, etc. I know some parents who have one computer in the home, it''s centrally located and the screen is facing outward so anyone walking by can see what the kid is viewing. I think that''s quite responsible and there''s no reason parents cant do that.

 

[iheartscience]

Oh wow, this is a tough situation. Yikes...I had no idea there were **** groups on Facebook. Hmm...I know it''s awkward and weird, but is there anyway you (or your husband) could message your cousin on Facebook and say "Hey, anyone on Facebook can see through the News Feed that you belong to these **** groups...you shouldn''t join **** groups through Facebook because you don''t know who could look at your Facebook page and see it."

 

[robbie3982]

Thanks so much for the advice everyone! I decided to do a bit more digging and found an application he added called "see me naked." Apparently it''s an application for trading naked pictures with other people. I decided I had to say something to someone so I sent a message to the cousin he seems to be closest to, K, to see what she thinks we should do. She''s his first cousin so his parents are her aunt and uncle. I''m hoping that she''ll volunteer to say something to one of them because that conversation is not one I really want to have with them.

 

[robbie3982]

Update:
My cousin, K, wrote back and apparently she noticed the same things I did, but didn''t feel comfortable going to his parents with it because M''s only just started coming out of his shell with her in the last few months and she didn''t want to be tattling on him.

We''re figuring out what exactly to do, but I think we definitely need to make sure that his parents know what''s going on.

 

[surfgirl]

robbie, disabilities or not, I think you did the right thing. If your cousin wont say anything to her aunt/uncle, then I think you should...But this is a good way to go and hopefully she''ll say something. Trading naked photos is taking it to a whole other level!

 

[Lynn B]

This boy''s parents need to know what is going on. He may be "coming out of his shell" but I''m not sure that is an especially good thing, considering some of the poor choices he is making, coupled with the general naiveté of most teens with autism.

I have two nephews with autism. If this were happening with one of them, I certainly hope that if someone knew about it, he or she would bring it to the attention of his parents.

 

[lumpkin]

Robbie, they need to know! Someone also needs to talk to him and explain how inappropriate and dangerous this is.

 

[tiffanytwisted]

Robbie, what a tough situation. But I definitely think something needs to be said soon. This has taken it up a notch from "15 year old curiosity of ****" to the child predator level. The internet is such a scary place for young people, and many of them are so naive they don''t realize it. Please keep us posted.

 

[risingsun]

Robbie~please contact the parents. Your cousin is at risk of being exploited or harmed. Someone needs to intervene and it appears that this role has fallen on you. It is difficult, but necessary. As a parent, I would want to be informed.

 

[surfgirl]

robbie, I think marian''s post says it all from the parents perspective. Call them. Dont wait. You have no idea if he''s being baited online, or by kids from school or whatever. I wouldn''t wait. I''d call them now.

 

[sumbride]

Robbie - I was talking about this with DH because we''re both on FB and linked to our teenage niece and nephew, so it kind of hit home. The thing is, if he''s sharing pictures of himself, and telling people how old he is, anybody looking at them (above 1 is committing a felony. That''s a serious problem and his parents need to know about it. Just be sure to tell them NOT to let him know you were the one that mentioned it. Tell them to tell him they were looking at his page and found it themselves. That way he doesn''t block you and you can still keep an eye on him and continue to have a relationship with him. You need to be his friend, yes, but you need to keep him out of trouble because you are a responsible adult.

 

[robbie3982]

Ok, I called his parents and they actually already knew. Apparently I''m not the first to call them about it and he''s been pulled off of facebook and myspace for a week now (his page is still up though). Apparently it wasn''t just facebook either. His mom told me that she walked in on him exposing himself to a girl on his webcam the other day.

They were glad that I called even though they already knew about the problem and they''re not going to let him know that it was me who called.

They''re hoping that they''ll be able to reinstate his facebook/myspace priveliges eventually, but he''s going to have serious monitoring from now on.

I don''t envy them at all right now, having to deal with a teenager in the social networking age. It definitely has me scared for what things will be like when I have teenagers.

Thank you so much to everyone who encouraged me to do what I knew deep down was the right thing.

 

[Independent Gal]

Robbie, good for you. I''m proud of ya.

How scary and upsetting for his parents.

 

[surfgirl]

robbie, good for you! You did the right thing. Sounds like its the tip of the iceberg for him so it's good to get it in check now before something really bad happens.

I dont get parents that let their kids have computers and webcams in their rooms though. I'd make my kid use the PC in the den or wherever it was that the family hung out.

 

[sumbride]

Good for you Robbie!!!

 

[KimberlyH]

Robbie, I''m sure that was a hard phone call to make, but you certainly did the right thing.

 

[lumpkin]

I bet it was awkward to bring up, but you know you did the right thing and now you have the added relief knowing the
parents are taking the action.