Didn''t have the guts to ask

[FutureMrs.K]

So, I assumed that when Mr. K asked me to marry him and said that he was "working on the ring" it meant that he was saving up for it. He has known for quite some time my love for all things that sparkle, so I directed him to what I wanted.

April 9th was when he asked, the 10th is when I directed him to what I would like.

Last week I asked him if he had looked at my selection, he said yes, and made sure that that was what I wanted.

No other word confirming that he had ordered the ring or what.

Today he bought a new x-box. And that perplexes me.

Engagement and marriage had been a touchy issue for us for some time. He was not into commitment/marriage for a very long time and recently decided that he did want to spend the rest of his life with me. But because of our history, I''ve been hesitant to ask: 1) what does "working on" getting the ring mean? and now 2) Should I assume that he''s bought the ring and had left over money to blow on an x-box?

It took me a good 2 weeks to be convinced that his asking me to marry him was real. After all the anti-commitment stuff and my new found independence, it really came as a shock. I was getting use to the idea of not ever getting married. Happy with the thought, even. Not that I ever doubted wanting to spend my life with Mr. K, but I know that these things don''t always work the way our hearts want them to.

With no mention of the ring being on the way, him showing off his new x-box put me in a funk.

And I''m afraid to ask where his priorities are. He doesn''t want to tell his family until he gets a ring to me and that leaves me feeling like our engagement isn''t real until he gives me a ring. His asking me was to make sure I''d still say yes but maybe he doesn''t want to go there yet.

I was willing to be patient for a ring; him actually wanting to share a life with me is incredible and everything I''ve dreamed of. But how he made it sound like he was saving up for a ring to make it official and then blows money on a game system...

What do you think? Poke at the touchy subject and feel like a materialistic brat (even though I told him a couple weeks ago that he should hurry up and get the ring so I can tell his cousins..so exciting!...and that is a huge motivator for me to get a ring)... or just wait it out and hope that he took care of the ring before he bought a stupid video game system in which he did not need?

I jumped the gun at work and told co workers the monday after he proposed, and they consistently ask where the ring is...which is not helping with my frustration!

I wish I felt like it was real without the ring. But without it... I really don''t want to refer to him as FH.

Sorry that this is a rant; I appreciate your advice and patience!

 

[iota15]

Welcome to PS, Mrs. K!

First, I wanted to say, congratulations, and I hope you continue with your new found independence. May I ask what you have been doing differently lately?

I have to say, I''m a little concerned, not with the Xbox but with your fear of communicating with him for fear of upsetting the delicate balance that appears to be Mr. K''s new commitment to you.

By the way, I don''t think you''re "a materialistic brat" at all - your concerns and questions are entirely valid.

 

[yssie]

You're getting married. Marriage is about working things out together, and you'll be facing all sorts of difficult conversations.. communication is the most important thing.


Frankly "where is the ring that I want to represent our engagement, how are we budgeting for it" should not be a topic you even hesitate to bring up if you're planning to face life's many ups and downs together - at the point of engagement you should be far, far beyond these sorts of insecurities, and you should not be "shocked" or "in disbelief" or "uncertain about" or anything but joyful about your engagement.


JMHO.

 

[beezygal]

I think you should talk to him to see if he''s still on the same page. I don''t think you should start with questioning him about blowing $$$ on a xbox instead of a ring ''cuz he might be pissed by it. You don''t want him to end the conversation by saying "I can spend money on whatever I want." Talk to him calmly about the whole marriage idea. It''s probably not that bad. Good luck!!!

 

[HopeDream]

Hi FutureMrs.K

The cheapest Xbox is only about $150ish - I wouldn''t worry about it. These things take time.

 

[RaiKai]

I agree with those who indicated there really should be no qualms or walking on eggshells about talking with your partner. Even about issues that may seem difficult there should not be so *delicate a balance* that you both go on ignoring things that are issues! The balance should not be tipped so easily in a healthy relationship! That just cannot feel very comfortable or satisfying if you believe it would be.

I definitely think asking an SO to clarify what he meant by *working on a ring* is something you should be more than comfortable asking if you are getting married! It is a drop in the bucket compared to the other tough stuff you will need to talk about over your lives together!

 

[MayFlowers]

Date: 4/29/2010 3:19:18 AM
Author: beezygal
I think you should talk to him to see if he''s still on the same page. I don''t think you should start with questioning him about blowing $$$ on a xbox instead of a ring ''cuz he might be pissed by it. You don''t want him to end the conversation by saying ''I can spend money on whatever I want.'' Talk to him calmly about the whole marriage idea. It''s probably not that bad. Good luck!!!

Ditto! I definitely agree that the conversation should not be directed toward the purchase of the xbox. I would talk to him about this though. Tell him that you don''t feel the engagement is official until you have a ring. Mention how excited you are to be taking this next step in your relationship and you want to be able to share it with both your families and friends. It''s really important that you both communicate your feelings, not just now, but throughout your relationship. If you don''t, problems are sure to arise!

 

[FutureMrs.K]

Ya''ll are pretty right on. We''ve actually gotten great with communicating with each other. Commitment is just a sore spot for me and over the years I was conditioned to not talking about it. Bringing it up in the past made him react very negatively and and me feel horrible in many ways. We broke up, even, because I had had it. I knew what I wanted in life and if he didn''t want that as well, that was ok. I just wasn''t willing to stand by and let my dreams go- so I left. We broke up for maybe a month, he said he wanted to date again and work through his issues. I gave him another shot with an internal deadline of a year. I honestly didn''t think he could change. He was so intensely against marriage.


Our communication got so much better since we broke up and got back together. It was a good growth for the both of us. Really, I can talk to him about anything...except this issue. In the back of my mind I still feel like if I bring it up he''ll get frustrated or something.

Why I feel in disbelief is because it was such a very dramatic change in mind so quickly. I believe that it is honest; he''s the type of person who sticks with his word, doesn''t say things just to please people. He really wouldn''t have asked unless it was what he deeply wanted.

I guess I have more things to work on! Growing a pair and asking about my sparkly is needed.

Thanks!

 

[KittyGolightly]

So, has there been any discussion of a timeline for the wedding? Also, how long have you guys been back together?

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 4/29/2010 8:09:28 AM
Author: RaiKai

I definitely think asking an SO to clarify what he meant by *working on a ring* is something you should be more than comfortable asking if you are getting married! It is a drop in the bucket compared to the other tough stuff you will need to talk about over your lives together!

as always when RaiKai beats me to a thread, she says what''s in my head (hey - rhymy!)

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 4/29/2010 11:52:23 AM
Author: Maevie

Date: 4/29/2010 8:09:28 AM
Author: RaiKai

I definitely think asking an SO to clarify what he meant by *working on a ring* is something you should be more than comfortable asking if you are getting married! It is a drop in the bucket compared to the other tough stuff you will need to talk about over your lives together!

as always when RaiKai beats me to a thread, she says what's in my head (hey - rhymy!)

I am in completely agreeance with what RaiKai said. You shouldn't have to feel like you are walking on eggshells around your boyfriend, FuturMrs.K. IMO, the real problem I see in your post is not the missing ring, but the missing open lines of communication between you and your future husband!

ETA: You can't go on forever feeling like you can't talk to him about commitment. What are you going to do, tell your wedding ceremony's ordinator not to mention commitment in your wedding vows?

 

[iota15]

I understand you feel you can communicate with Mr. K on all issues, except for this one... but this is a real big issue. And if your life together with Mr. K, you will have to learn to deal with the big issues without fear that he will run away. You should feel secure in your relationship and especially after a proposal, sure that he wants to marry you... but you're not.

He may very well have changed overnight. I encourage you to talk to him and hope he provides you with an answer. We'd hate to think, although I think at least a few ladies are hoping this is not true, that he's giving you crumpets to avoid losing you, but neither is he willing to truly commit either.

I believe he meant every word when he proposed and loves you. However, I think your hesistation on this issue speaks volumes, and the question now is whether he continues to be ready to commit.

 

[HappyNewLife]

I don''t mean to be Debbie Downer, but this sounds just like my past relationship (with my now ex-husband). He too was a committment phobe and would deliberately pick fights so he could piss me off and get me off the engagement trail. I eventually also stopped talking about it. It was a subject I couldn''t broach either. I don''t know why I didn''t strap ''em on and just talk to him about it anyway and tell him what I needed. I wish now that I had, but at the same time I don''t regret it because I''m happier now (without him) than I ever was before.

Anyway, I think the Xbox is a guy thing. He''s thinking "what''s $300 in the scheme of things, I''m buying her a $5K ring", you know? I wouldn''t let that be something you have an argument about. I''d just talk to him about what you''re feeling. That you''re not sure you''re really engaged and feel like you need some reassurance that he did, in fact propose marriage and that the ring is pending.

Maybe a talk after a glass of courage (wine!) is needed. Good luck!

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/29/2010 9:37:00 AM
Author: FutureMrs.K


Our communication got so much better since we broke up and got back together. It was a good growth for the both of us. Really, I can talk to him about anything...except this issue. In the back of my mind I still feel like if I bring it up he'll get frustrated or something.

I can certainly understanding feeling a bit shy around the issue after that history. Especially when it seems to be a sudden switch. But it is extremely important that you move past, well, that past, if you want to move into the future together.

The issues around commitment are not just about rings and weddings after all....I can imagine that a lot of issues involving "the future" may create this same wariness in you at times as there is an involved assumption of commitment there (i.e. can you REALLY talk about how you will raise children together if you are a little afraid to even talk about the commitment required to get there?).

I had a past relationship where I feared these sorts of things too, particularly talking about things that were sensitive issues between us, due to a similar history. It was like a pink elephant in the room. Then one day I just realized the WORST that could happen was that he saw things differently that I did. And whatever that meant for our future together....it was a lot better than walking on eggshells - and being afraid to voice myself - around who was supposed to be my life partner! I knew that if I could not talk to my primary intimate partner about these things....then what did I really have to begin with? It was like living a facade.

Life got a lot easier after that. And no, that past partner and I did not work out (after I DID finally just come out and ask that the heck was going on), but that realization has lived on and has allowed for much healthier relationships with all of the people in my life going forward - including my husband with who I can freely talk about ANYTHING with and feel accepted and heard even if he does not always agree. It sure is a lot easier just being straightforward than doing some sort of tap dance around the issues - "just tell it to me straight, doc".