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Did you have a personal pre-engagement checklist?

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Indylady

Indylady

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I know a lot of guys have this, such as wanting to have job security, a house, etc. before they get married, yet I rarely hear women make similar comments. Not a "relationship" checklist, but more of a personal checklist.

Did you have a pre-engagement checklist?

If I had to lay mine out, I''d probably say:
graduate from college
build a savings
have/hold a job
begin/be most of the way through graduate school

These are things that I do think will benefit us both, but also things that I really want to do for myself. I think they''re basically life goals for the next few years. Does anyone else have a mental "checklist"? Getting published? Having a job? Your own place?
 
1) Get a steady job (no more consulting)
2) Save money
3) Move to a new city (and find new home and job)
4) Save more money
5) Get engaged when BF is Ready
 
My list is:
Start building my career and have some security in my position
Graduate
Start saving for a house
Live alone for a period of time
Be prepared to be a wife and all that that entails
 
1) Get my Masters degree.
2) Become financially independant.
3) Travel
4) Make sure that my future husband and I have planned how exactly finances etc are to be handled, and that our expectations of one another are compatible.
 
I had accomplished everything on my list before I met my FF...but the list included:

1) Graduate with my Master''s Degree.
2) Get a job that would allow me to work toward paying off my school debt while allowing me to save just a little, and be secure in that position.
3) Get my own apartment.
 
I didn''t think I would ever get married (obviously this changed when I started dating my FI) .. so I never had a "list". I will say, however, that I was glad we had reached our financial goal for the year at the time FI proposed. And, obviously, we both already had steady jobs, etc etc.
 
No checklist for me, but if I''d been smarter I would have had one.

Things worked out fine in the end, but the whole process could have been much smoother than it was.
 
I think my SO may have had one, but I never really thought about it. I just knew I wouldn''t get married before I finished my professional degree.
 
guidelines, but no list.

E had a list, and i''ll be honest, i shot it down.
House - i would not purchase one with him before i was engaged. plus we had no need for a huge house payment when we are still saving and feeling out our jobs. Now he looks back and is thankful we did not have to go through the rate changes/possible forclosures like many of our friends did.

We''ve changed our list for having children
- both have permanant full time jobs (E, even though he has been with the state for 3 years, is still a temp emp)
- have at least a 2 bedrm apt (check!)
- substantial amount in savings
- travel in europe (this one i say we can do with kids
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Like someone else said above, I had a list, but it was a short one and I feel it''s been satisfied, so now it''s just waiting until BF''s list is satisfied (namely, he wants a full-time job).

My list was:
--Find someone that made me feel like there was no need to really put a line between myself and him/her, that I could share everything with.
--Move in with them and make sure we could successfully live together.
--Discover through all the BS that may come about whether this was the person that I loved more than enough to want to get through all the fights.

BF and I have been living together for about eight months now. We had a rough transition with moving in-- he had never been expected to help with housework in his previous living locations, and I absolutely expected help (especially as a full-time graduate student, but mostly just as a person). He committed to helping and said he wanted an egalitarian relationship, but when it came to putting that to practice, he had a hard time. He would play around all day and then forget to do some chores since he wasn''t used to making time for chores, so when I came home to find them not done I would be angry and he would feel bad. We had several fights over that, but he really stepped up, and I worked on chilling out, and now it''s just not even an issue (er...mostly, haha). So, we both had an adjustment period, but more importantly, we both decided "This is the person I want to be with even if it means the chores don''t get done in just the right way." He still occasionally forgets, for example, to rinse a dish before putting it in the dishwasher-- if he does, I go behind him and rinse it, and it''s okay because I know he is the best person for me, and he is so patient with me, and I know that he is committed to helping me, he just slips sometimes. I never would have been ready to be engaged to him if we hadn''t come to that revelation.
 
At this point, all I want to do is bulk up my savings.

I have:
-lived on my own
-paid my own bills
-gotten rid of all debt except student loans, and learned how to live below my means
-gotten a promotion out of my hated department and into something interesting
-moved in with BF
-moved to a new city
-traveled (not that I ever mean to stop doing that)

Now I just have to, you know....feel ready for it.
 
There was never a firm "checklist"; just a personal knowledge that I would not be ready to be engaged until I was truly ready to be married (for me an engagement is not like a "step" to marriage, it means we are both actually ready to get married....even if it were that same day!). I never saw being married in itself as a "goal", was not that concerned if I never got married (just the way I was raised), so I figure that is maybe why I never really made a "list" of what I required to get there.

At some point early in my relationship with my husband though I DID feel ready (as did he) and this involved a lot of factors, but basically all revolved around feeling comfortable with myself as an individual (i.e. having a healthy sense of self, being self-aware and responsible for my own feelings, etc and not having fears of sharing that with someone else). And of course, for me, it also meant being in a relationship with someone in a similar place. This also meant that both feeling ready, finding someone else who felt ready, and being in the right relationship all did not happen until I was 29/30 and he was 34/35! We would not change a thing about our pasts though, and feel very blessed to have met when we did.

Many years I could not have firmly placed what would "get me there", and I still can't as I think it is a combination of just life experiences and personal self development as well as being in the right relationship, but I can say the factors in my past that aided in me getting there (realizing it never ends of course as we are always growing and learning about ourselves if we are open to it!)

So, the following is not a checklist, and not really what you asked, but they were the experiences, in retrospect, that got me to "being ready" personally.

- lived on my own for many years
- been financially independent for years as well (and struggled with debt in there too!)
- had a few previous long term relationships and experienced both joys and pains in them
- had a few painful breakups
- made a few relationship mistakes, but also had some very positive experiences
- lived with someone else (not my husband) common law for a few years who I thought I would marry
- bought a house with that past partner
- had a separation with that past partner
- finished my undergrad degree, worked a few different jobs over a few years not knowing what I wanted to do, and then went back to get my professional degree - back to school full-time between ages of 27-30
- started my new professional career
- traveled a lot
- moved provinces
- witnessed my mum's battle with cancer (she is fortunately healthy and vibrant today!) and looked deeper at my own life perspective
- had a very serious relationship partner pass away suddenly during our relationship (he was 25, I was 22 and we had been together 4 years) which really was a learning experience for me in life
- seen counselors (relationship and individual)
- learned to accept myself and heal some past wounds and forgive myself for causing some of those wounds (learned to love myself and accept myself)
- go through some personal development courses
- learned that I am responsible for my own feelings, and others responsible for theirs
- meet a man who was similarly ready/willing/able to explore himself in deep ways
- have a relationship where we could be completely open and honest with one another, and communicate freely without drama or games
- be with someone who with which there was a total shared acceptance of one another - this does not mean we never disagree, but we are compassionate and accepting of our differences and accept one another as we are and support each others individuality and personal experience even if we disagree
- be with someone where I accepted them as the PERSON they are, not as some sort of "role" and they accepted me as the PERSON I am, not as some sort of "role"
- realized that life itself is uncertain, death is inevitable, and that I can't control either so why stress about it - just enjoy it FOR its uncertainty.

If I HAD made a list many years ago, I probably would of had a lot of concrete "things" on my list, or goals, that I figured would "make me ready" or make someone I was with "ready" (such as "go to law school", "own house", "have successful career", "have no debt") but I learned that is just now how life works (for me anyway!). It is both a lot more complicated, and a lot more simple, than that. I mean, to be honest, my husband and I both have quite a lot of debt (me from student loans from law school, he from his own separation from a previous common-law partner - though we do also have a reasonable amount of locked-in savings towards retirement, etc), I am just starting a new career and not yet established in it, my husband has taken an early retirement from the military and is currently trying to decide what he wants to do (he is taking some classes but unsure), we live in a basement apartment (it is a LOVELY apartment but both of us previously owned homes and it seems younger people we meet find it odd we now rent - though we enjoy it!), neither of us is ready for kids yet and....we LOVE our life. Sure it would be lovely to have more money so we could travel some more together including on our yet to be taken honeymoon, and my husband sometimes feels anxious not knowing what he wants to do for his next career or about having to rely on my income, or I get anxious wondering if I will ever be ready for children (emotionally, financially, etc), but gosh, there is no one else we would rather be with - we do feel blessed and so very fortunate to be together - but we also realize we both did a lot of personal hard work in order to be the people we are.
 
The biggest reason why FI and I took so long to get engaged (over 6.5 years!) was because of my checklist. Before we got engaged, I wanted:

- to graduate college and be pretty far into grad school
- have a little bit of my own savings and investments (it''s hard on a grad student stipend!)
- FI to graduate law school
- FI to have a job where I am
- FI to have most of his law school loans paid off (important to me because I have absolutely zero debt)
- to know we were on the same page about career, financial, and personal goals

It was hard because FI and I lived in different cities for almost half of our time together due to school/our careers. Our careers were (and still are) very important to us, so for me, I wanted to make sure that we both felt our relationship was just as important. When I saw that it was and knew FI felt the same, I was ready for FI to pop the question!
 
Wow, now that''s impressive! Was your FI able to pay them off? If so, do you know if he took the $18,500 per year? Most of the people I went to school with are on the 30 year plan. Just curious if there is any way to do this that I am overlooking :)
 
Date: 3/25/2010 12:26:24 PM
Author: LadyJane83
Wow, now that''s impressive! Was your FI able to pay them off? If so, do you know if he took the $18,500 per year? Most of the people I went to school with are on the 30 year plan. Just curious if there is any way to do this that I am overlooking :)
Click to expand...

Yes, as of last summer, he is completely debt free! I should say that the reason that the loan-payment was on my checklist was because early last year, FI came into a big chunk of inheritance money that would cover the remainder of his loans. After graduating law school, he did get a very good job and was making pretty hefty payments towards the loans so the total did go down a bit before the inheritance. I am so happy that he put that money towards his loans and put the remainder into savings. It has been such a huge weight off our shoulders, especially given the job uncertainties due to the economy! We were very fortunate to have this happen for us.
Good luck with the loan payments, I know they are awful! FI had about $150K in loans coming out of school. Some of his friends from law school had the same debt and were unable to get jobs out of school. A few are still unemployed. I feel so horrible for them
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Sorry for the threadjack!
 
Rats! I need an inheritance :)

Smart move paying off the loans, though. Loans are pretty terrible- it''s almost like a mortgage payment. We have over 100K between us. I wish we could pay off our debt before we marry, but if we did that we''d have to wait until we are almost 60!
 
My list is a bit different...


1. to make sure that I lived on my own and had truly dealt with/recovered from my failed marriage
2. to make sure that I had developed a stable, loving environment for my children post-divorce
3. to make sure that I paid off my debt (which is done, WOO!)
4. to make sure that I took things slow with my FF and truly knew him before we lived together
5. to make sure that he was the right person for me before moving in and becoming a permanent part of life for my children and I
6. to make sure that our relationship was REALLY working out well in all aspects, not ignoring issues that would cause us problems in the future - FF and I are very pro-active in our conversations about or lives together and our future, which I love.
7. to develop a budget with him that we could live with, which we''ve done very well with
8. to have a healthy lifestyle together - we both needed desperately to eat better, exercise, etc. and have already lost nearly 50 lbs combined since Nov of 09.
9. to have enough savings left over for potential emergencies after paying our debts and paying for the e-ring (it''s a little low right now, but that''s because my ring was about $500 more than we expected it to be)

There''s more, but those were the things that came to mind right now as most important to me now.
 
I didn''t really have that much that I wanted to do -

*I knew I wanted to be finished with college
*have lived with my SO
*been together while both of us were working at the same time

DH

*wanted to live together
*join finances - to see that we were truly compatible, it is the #1 reason for divorce!
*graduate law school and land a firm position

well the only one we didn''t accomplish was DH graduating law school, but he did have an offer from his top picks for firms
 
Date: 3/25/2010 1:22:58 PM
Author: LadyJane83
Rats! I need an inheritance :)


Smart move paying off the loans, though. Loans are pretty terrible- it's almost like a mortgage payment. We have over 100K between us. I wish we could pay off our debt before we marry, but if we did that we'd have to wait until we are almost 60!
Click to expand...

Same here.

I have about 50K in student loans from law school left. Add in my car loan and my husband's debts from his prior separation we have about 100K in debt as well.

Fortunately I was able to get a few bursaries, etc while in school so my loan debt could of been a lot higher. I did have to get a student line of credit though as student loans here max out at $12,000/year (that did not even cover my tuition, never mind other expenses though I was also working - I lived on my own, etc). I can write off my loan interest though on my taxes and my repayment amounts are cheap so they aren't the worst kind of debt you can have. However, it is still tight and I definitely don't make the salary people seem to think lawyers do - and currently we are relying on me as the household income earner.

And no wealthy relatives nearing their demise (no wealthy relatives at all really...ha) :)

People have different tolerances for debt, I find. I do not LIKE having debt, but my husband and I both are fairly comfortable with it at this point as long as we are working towards repaying. We also do have significant savings in a "locked in" retirement account that has another good 30 years to make a good return on....so that helps alleviate some of the concerns about being in our thirties and having to pay off these debts still.

Anyway, we lived together before we decided to get married and had full disclosure of our financial situations, and financial "attitudes" and still regularly talk about it and revisit it. I feel a lot more comfortable about it as it is out in the open between us and we have a "financial plan" together.
 
My pre-engagment checklist is what has held off BFs proposal for over a year.

1) I must graduate Uni first (tick)
2) I must have a full time job which pays me money
3) We must be living together in our own place
4) I must be debt free
5) I must not be reliant on my parents for anything- such as paying for my car insurance, health insurance etc

I'm stuck at number two because without a paying job, I cant afford three, four or five.
 
Well, I don''t have an engagement list... I have a get married list. I''ve been his girlfriend for so long already, I''m ready to move up a step :) We''ve been together for 7 1/2 years, living together for 7, and we bought a house together around a year and a half ago. He has a stable, full time job, and neither of us have a car payment. I never went to college after high school, and when I was laid off this January, I decided I was going to finally go to college. The only thing on my "get married list" is to get myself almost all the way through college first.
 
I''ve never had any certain checklist in mind of things I want to have completed before I get engaged or married. I have done most things at this point that I would put on a checklist though. I have:

- lived with roommates
- graduated college
- lived alone for a few years
- had (and currently have) a ''real'' job
- been financially independent
- figured out basics like paying bills, cooking, cleaning, having pets, etc
- bought a home
- had serious relationships that have taught me what I *don''t* want in a relationship (and some of what I do want)
- figured out for the most part ''who I am,'' as people say
- really got to know FF and figured out that we do want to spend our lives together

- haven''t lived with FF (waiting till we''re married) but have gone on a vacation together and have spent countless long weekends ''living'' together, so we at least have an idea of what that will be like
- haven''t shared joint accounts (again, waiting till marriage) but are open and honest about our money and both already consider it ''our'' money, to a point

The only specific thing I can think of that I would like to do is get back into really good shape again, but I would be fine with working on that while engaged/married.

(Oh, and I just have to say wow, RaiKai, you have been through a ton in your life!)
 
The only mandatory thing I had for myself was to be able to support myself and be self-sufficient should anything happen to my FI.
 
I think the most important thing for me to accomplish before my FF pops the big question is to own my own business, and have a good amount of money coming in so that when we do get married I can have the wedding of my dreams. I''m opening my business at the end of May/beginning of June, so any time after that would be an opportune time for the Love of My Life to put that sparkler on my left finger! I''m also on an extreme diet/workout plan. I want our engagement pictures to look as awesome as possible--and I''m hoping to squeeze into a size 8!
 
I really never had a pre-engagement checklist. I''ve been with my BF since I was 16, so as soon as I realized I wanted to marry him (maybe a year ago), my requirements were basically just to make sure we had the same major goals and beliefs, and that we both get college degrees. Though we will likely get engaged before graduation, we won''t get married til we''re both out.

Anything else, we can do after we''re married: i.e., travel, build a savings account to buy a house, get steady jobs, and I can get my master''s degree. I do plan on getting married without ever having lived on my own, which I know is a big deal. But I don''t regret it; I don''t really care to live on my own. I guess I''m kind of old-fashioned? I do plan on educating myself and being able to be self-sufficient, should I ever need to be in the future. So that''s all I feel like I need.
 
waydamminnit....

i''ve done all that!

what''s he waiting for then??
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just kidding!
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