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Diamond Rant - From a Male Consumer

latte_espresso

Rough_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 10, 2018
Messages
94
Oh, I love @rockysalamander! I couldn’t have said it better!!! This is such a better idea than the plain soli with the 2+ct rock! This is so MY thing...lol!!
THIS, @mistawow!! ALL THIS!!!
I generally do sentimental gifts for birthdays/anniversaries and things in that nature. It's definitely different with the engagement ring. It's been clear that she would be extremely happy if it's over 2.0 cts, and why wouldn't you want to make your SO the happiest person the world? Especially if you can afford it. I would've bought the ring earlier, however I wanted to ensure that I had a decent amount in assets as cushion.

I guess my rant was more about the strong marketing campaign that the diamond industry had instilled into our social norms. When viewing diamonds in person, I just so startled something so small can be worth so much with absolutely no value-add.
 

latte_espresso

Rough_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 10, 2018
Messages
94
Is it possible she meant biggest diamond possible within whatever budget he feels comfortable with? (As in, sacrifice other things to prioritize size?). If not, maybe sit down and have an honest discussion about budget (not what you can afford, but what you can *comfortably* afford - as these are often two different things). If she’s working and wants more, she can also pitch in. Or wait to get engaged until you’re a bit older and in a more comfortable place financially. Or you can upgrade as you go for special anniversaries.

Plus, I’d suggest ignoring pressure to get married just because other people think it’s time. It’s not their lives so they don’t get a vote. If you’re feeling pressured rather than excited, just don’t. Wait until you’re excited.
Thanks for the suggestions cmd. As I have mentioned, her main focus is size. I could sacrifice clarity/color/cut, but after reading PS and understanding the importance of cut, I decided to pay a premium for a CBI diamond. I think the diamond industry is different in its own, and very subjective. I think regardless of wealth, I would probably never be able to "comfortably afford" diamonds whether it's $1k or $20k as they provide no value. But that's exactly my rant.

Appreciate your advice on marriage, but I think it also goes back to social norm. I don't think I'll ever be excited about marriage. As mentioned in my other post, we've been dating for 10 years+, we lived together for the past 5 years, we bought a house together, and we are each other's best friends. Why change? To me, marriage is nothing but a piece of paper, and is certainly more of a hassle than anything else.
 

junebug17

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Joined
Jun 17, 2009
Messages
11,992
Latte_expresso, I am a 58 year old woman who loves the beauty of diamonds, but I do also struggle with how expensive these little sparkly things are so I understand your feelings. I have kids who are your age and I know that it is hard for young people these days. You sound like a very responsible and mature young man and I commend you. And the fact that you are willing to push your own misgivings aside and still buy your gf the ring of her dreams is being missed by some here. You are just sharing your feelings and you are entitled to them. I think my husband felt a similar way to you but he went ahead and supported me in getting a larger diamond, and that meant a lot to me. Your SO is going to be so thrilled with the ring and she is going to wear and enjoy it for many years to come. I hope her happiness will give you some peace about such an expensive purchase.

I'm assuming from your post that you can comfortably afford the ring. If it was a financial struggle for you my thoughts would be different.

And as for your feelings on marriage - again, I understand where you're coming from, but I will tell you as a woman married for 34 years that there is just something special about being married. Imo it strengthens the bond between 2 people and I think after you are married you will notice an added depth and intensity to your relationship. That is my hope anyway lol! I wish you all the best, and a wonderful life!
 

latte_espresso

Rough_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 10, 2018
Messages
94
Latte_expresso, I am a 58 year old woman who loves the beauty of diamonds, but I do also struggle with how expensive these little sparkly things are so I understand your feelings. I have kids who are your age and I know that it is hard for young people these days. You sound like a very responsible and mature young man and I commend you. And the fact that you are willing to push your own misgivings aside and still buy your gf the ring of her dreams is being missed by some here. You are just sharing your feelings and you are entitled to them. I think my husband felt a similar way to you but he went ahead and supported me in getting a larger diamond, and that meant a lot to me. Your SO is going to be so thrilled with the ring and she is going to wear and enjoy it for many years to come. I hope her happiness will give you some peace about such an expensive purchase.

I'm assuming from your post that you can comfortably afford the ring. If it was a financial struggle for you my thoughts would be different.

And as for your feelings on marriage - again, I understand where you're coming from, but I will tell you as a woman married for 34 years that there is just something special about being married. Imo it strengthens the bond between 2 people and I think after you are married you will notice an added depth and intensity to your relationship. That is my hope anyway lol! I wish you all the best, and a wonderful life!
Thanks @junebug17 ! Your words mean a lot to me. It is reassuring to know that I am not alone in this. At the end of the day, I want her to be happy, and if this makes her happy, then so be it.

I hope you are right about the marriage part, and there is only one way to find out!
 

OoohShiny

Ideal_Rock
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Apr 25, 2014
Messages
6,870
Also being of the male variety (and cynical about marriage generally) I will say that, somewhat unexpectedly, things do feel different after The Big Day.

It might perhaps be that it now feels like "someone's got your back", and that there are two of you now to deal with all of life's hassles so you will be able to support each other to work through things, but it is hard to explain.

Perhaps it's just that it means you can put the whole stress of 'will I / won't I find a life partner??' to one side and concentrate on/worry about other things - I don't know, but it does feel different.

Hopefully it doesn't mean that each party gets lazy because the other partner can no longer escape easily ;)) lol
 

rockysalamander

Ideal_Rock
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Joined
May 20, 2016
Messages
5,022
To me, marriage is nothing but a piece of paper, and is certainly more of a hassle than anything else.
I hear you and find this sentiment pretty widespread, here in the US. But, if nothing else, US law does see things differently for married and unmarried partners. If your SO is ill and hard decisions need to be made, you will have no legal way to be part of that conversation (notwithstanding common law marriage law). Her parents would be the legal parties to make decisions assuming no adult children are at hand -- you could be kicked out of the room, literally. If either of you is in the ICU, a non-married partner has no right of visitation outside of visiting hours. Right now, you can both be compelled to testify against each other. Unless your private company differs, you can't take federally protected FMLA to care for your unmarried spouse during illness (still can for kids). In the case of death of a partner, a non-married partner has no right to get after-death examinations without a lawsuit being won against the legally responsible party (parents). You don't get to make burial or end of life decisions. Parents get the right of most decision making even if they have not seen the child for decades. You can't file a wrongful death suit against a third party. There are certainly legal ways to work around some of these, but I have found few people put these in place when eschewing marriage.

I am not endorsing marriage or even suggesting it (full disclosure, I've been married for 18 years), but US law does treat married parties very differently than unmarried. Only you and your partner can decide where that balance lies.
 

latte_espresso

Rough_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 10, 2018
Messages
94
I hear you and find this sentiment pretty widespread, here in the US. But, if nothing else, US law does see things differently for married and unmarried partners. If your SO is ill and hard decisions need to be made, you will have no legal way to be part of that conversation (notwithstanding common law marriage law). Her parents would be the legal parties to make decisions assuming no adult children are at hand -- you could be kicked out of the room, literally. If either of you is in the ICU, a non-married partner has no right of visitation outside of visiting hours. Right now, you can both be compelled to testify against each other. Unless your private company differs, you can't take federally protected FMLA to care for your unmarried spouse during illness (still can for kids). In the case of death of a partner, a non-married partner has no right to get after-death examinations without a lawsuit being won against the legally responsible party (parents). You don't get to make burial or end of life decisions. Parents get the right of most decision making even if they have not seen the child for decades. You can't file a wrongful death suit against a third party. There are certainly legal ways to work around some of these, but I have found few people put these in place when eschewing marriage.

I am not endorsing marriage or even suggesting it (full disclosure, I've been married for 18 years), but US law does treat married parties very differently than unmarried. Only you and your partner can decide where that balance lies.
Thanks rockysalmander. This is definitely something that I did not know. We live in NYC and unfortunately common law does not apply. But I appreciate the knowledge!
 

latte_espresso

Rough_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 10, 2018
Messages
94
I completely understand your views on marriage, why is it necessary? Is there a difference? Why bother? That's how I felt my whole life, I always said I never wanted to get married, it's a waste. But when I met my husband, it was different (and trust me I'm not a lovey dovey person) he didnt believe in marriage either and he's 10 years older than me and pretty set in his way. We got married 6 months later and it was great. It really is a different feeling, sometimes I look at him and I tell him, I love being your wife.
Marriage is not a hassle, weddings and rings etc is. You don't have to do all that, we sure didn't. (also because we had zero money and we don't want to accept people's charity) So yeah, something to think about. Most people have weddings for their families and friends anyway. We did ours at city hall in NYC.
We have been talking and discussed a secret wedding at City Hall (also NYC here!) Weddings are huge in our culture, and both of our parents are insistent that we have one. (Which we may eventually have a few years down the road).
 

Angelwk

Shiny_Rock
Joined
May 25, 2018
Messages
242
I hear you and find this sentiment pretty widespread, here in the US. But, if nothing else, US law does see things differently for married and unmarried partners. If your SO is ill and hard decisions need to be made, you will have no legal way to be part of that conversation (notwithstanding common law marriage law). Her parents would be the legal parties to make decisions assuming no adult children are at hand -- you could be kicked out of the room, literally. If either of you is in the ICU, a non-married partner has no right of visitation outside of visiting hours. Right now, you can both be compelled to testify against each other. Unless your private company differs, you can't take federally protected FMLA to care for your unmarried spouse during illness (still can for kids). In the case of death of a partner, a non-married partner has no right to get after-death examinations without a lawsuit being won against the legally responsible party (parents). You don't get to make burial or end of life decisions. Parents get the right of most decision making even if they have not seen the child for decades. You can't file a wrongful death suit against a third party. There are certainly legal ways to work around some of these, but I have found few people put these in place when eschewing marriage.

I am not endorsing marriage or even suggesting it (full disclosure, I've been married for 18 years), but US law does treat married parties very differently than unmarried. Only you and your partner can decide where that balance lies.[/quote}

Those reasons too. i always forget the 'US doesthis very dfferently from Canada. In BC you're considered common law partners after you've been living togeher for one year. They recently changed it to 6 months I believe. Of course, if you don't want this, you can go to city hall and wellpay 250$ and say we dont want to be common law. imagine the awkwardness :lol:
 

Angelwk

Shiny_Rock
Joined
May 25, 2018
Messages
242
We have been talking and discussed a secret wedding at City Hall (also NYC here!) Weddings are huge in our culture, and both of our parents are insistent that we have one. (Which we may eventually have a few years down the road).
just do one at nyc it costs 30$ I have a photographer who does good shoots too and shes pretty cheap. We wanted our photos to be candid. you can look on my instagram @awugram since everyone on this forum already knows it i don't think it really matters if I post it lol
 

blueMA

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 10, 2005
Messages
1,257
After doing some searching early March, I ultimately decided to pursue a stone from CBI. I am about to spend ~$27K on the engagement ring, which exceeded my original budget of $20K (if I blame anyone, I blame all the information posted here on PS:clap:, and obviously myself for no self control:wall:).
You're going to be rewarded for the rest of your life as you see her smiling down and gawking at her own lovely ring every day, especially while you drive around. You seem responsible and frugal - I'm the same way and our priorities are probably a bit different from others, but there are some things in life you just have to splurge on once in a while. It's not just her that you'll impress with the ring - it'll be the friends, relatives, and even your own family members and some strangers who'll pat your back for a job well done.

I like this commercial - it cracks me up, especially the grandmother part. You better believe it when people will bring out magnifying glasses. :D

 

latte_espresso

Rough_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 10, 2018
Messages
94
You're going to be rewarded for the rest of your life as you see her smiling down and gawking at her own lovely ring every day, especially while you drive around. You seem responsible and frugal - I'm the same way and our priorities are probably a bit different from others, but there are some things in life you just have to splurge on once in a while. It's not just her that you'll impress with the ring - it'll be the friends, relatives, and even your own family members and some strangers who'll pat your back for a job well done.

I like this commercial - it cracks me up, especially the grandmother part. You better believe it when people will bring out magnifying glasses. :D

Thanks @blueMA! I'll need to get off work to watch video. Definitely looking forward to watching it.
 

foxinsox

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 18, 2015
Messages
2,964
You're going to be rewarded for the rest of your life as you see her smiling down and gawking at her own lovely ring every day, especially while you drive around. You seem responsible and frugal - I'm the same way and our priorities are probably a bit different from others, but there are some things in life you just have to splurge on once in a while. It's not just her that you'll impress with the ring - it'll be the friends, relatives, and even your own family members and some strangers who'll pat your back for a job well done.

I like this commercial - it cracks me up, especially the grandmother part. You better believe it when people will bring out magnifying glasses. :D

This must be a cultural thing cos in NZ, I have never seen anyone do that with an engagement ring when someone announces their engagement. I think it would be seen as extremely rude here to do that sort of close inspection.
I was browsing in a jewellery store a few weeks back and the SA offered to clean my ring after commenting on it so I handed it over. She pulled out a loupe and gave it a good lookover before taking it off to be cleaned so I'm guessing she hadn't seen an OEC before ;)2
 

blueMA

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 10, 2005
Messages
1,257
This must be a cultural thing cos in NZ, I have never seen anyone do that with an engagement ring when someone announces their engagement. I think it would be seen as extremely rude here to do that sort of close inspection.
I was browsing in a jewellery store a few weeks back and the SA offered to clean my ring after commenting on it so I handed it over. She pulled out a loupe and gave it a good lookover before taking it off to be cleaned so I'm guessing she hadn't seen an OEC before ;)2
It would be rude for a stranger or an acquaintance, but curious family and relatives? - anything is a fare game! A few times I even handed over my ring so they could study why it was so sparkly. :D

Oh yes jewlers are especially nosy and always offer to clean your ring to get a close loupe examination of lively stones.
 
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foxinsox

Ideal_Rock
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Joined
Jul 18, 2015
Messages
2,964
It would be rude for a stranger or an acquaintance, but curious family and relatives? - anything is a fare game! A few times I even handed over my ring so they could study why it was so sparkly. :D

Oh yes jewlers are especially nosy and always offer to clean your ring to get a close loupe examination of lively stones.
yes - even close family I think. People will look and usually say something complimentary but they don’t usually get too into inspecting it. Which as someone who loooooves looking at jewellery, makes me sad because it means I can’t get a close look at someone’s jewellery if it’s interesting without coming across as a wierdo :lol-2:
 

MakingTheGrade

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Joined
Mar 2, 2009
Messages
10,521
I have similar frugal tendencies and also a bling addiction.

I’ve found that the way I balance them out is to often buy things preloved. My inner Golem gets to have the new shiny and my inner penny pincher is proud of how much I “saved” off retail. Especially because I know I’m getting quality things from other pricescope people.

Maybe think of the math as $/day of wearing it. If you’re married for the next 60 years, it’s a little more than 10$ a day to get her something she loves and you will feel so so proud of. Trust me, when I was married, I loved my ring but my ex probably got more enjoyment out of it seeing how envious people were and how many people complimented the ring. And it happened a lot over the years, especially after I funded my own upgrade lol. He definitely puffed up with pride. 10$ a day isn’t a bad price to get a daily reminder (and public recognition) of how much you’re killing it as an awesome spouse. ;-)

All that being said. I like to fund my own big purchases because then I don’t have to worry about my partner trying to make sense of it lol. My current beau definitely doesn’t “get it” but it’s my money and he is 100% in support of my spending it however I please.
 
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partgypsy

Ideal_Rock
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Nov 7, 2004
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6,300
"my goal is to retire early, and I rather have my money work for me so I try to dress a bit more modest. This could possibly be a "poor man's" mindset, but that's why I don't choose to splurge on myself." That is not a poor person's mindset. Poor person's mindset is to only deal with the present, and spend what you have now, before someone else spends it. You have a future-thinking, first generation mindset. Kudos.
 

partgypsy

Ideal_Rock
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Joined
Nov 7, 2004
Messages
6,300
Everyone is different about the upgrade thing. I am on the sentimental side and felt attached to the ring I had. She may not even want to upgrade. So I kind of agree, do your best within your budget, whatever that is. No one can tell you how much to spend on the ring. That's between you and your intended. I totally understand it's an insane amount to spend. And i can also totally understand wanting to make her the happiest person on earth when she sees the ring.
 
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