DH''s nadir

[jas]

Hi gang. Long time no post....how is everyone?

I needed a place to release this -- my husband has always flirted with depression, and suffers major toxic shame along with some co-dependency mixed up in there.

He was in therapy a year ago and for the last year or so, has been managing and coping and living his life. Happy.

But, as is "normal," he is having a set-back. Although I am not responsible, one of the triggers is that I''ve been so terribly upset about my own work situation (I absolutely work in a terrible place. I gave notice a month ago, but will be finishing out the school year. The staff, which has been cutting and awful in a snide way up until now is now cutting and awful in a direct way...it''s been tough, aggravating, but I''m one of those people I need to sort of vent, excercise, and then I''m fine.). I didn''t sense the last few days that he''s been down, as I''ve been licking my own wounds from work, working out a lot to deal with my own aggravation. I guess had I been more attuned to his spiral I''d have not vented at home...

But anyway, I was speaking to my DH as we were both on our way to meetings tonight, and he mentioned that he''s having "dark thoughts about death" the last 2 days...not suicidal thoughts, but, like one step below that, if that makes sense. Not that there''s a hierarchy to these thoughts.

I started racing home, but he said we should both go to our meetings, and he said he wasn''t going to "jump off a building tonight." Which I didn''t find funny.

I called in for a sub tomorrow and will be with him, to take him to his therapist.

We''ve gone through this once before, and I need to sort of detach from this emotionally so I can help him help himself (if that makes sense)...

But I feel that I can say here that not only is this really painful, but there is a part of me that''s furious at his depression and its bad timing.

I hate depression. I know my husband will get through this, with help from professionals, but damn it.

Ok, thanks for letting me say this...I guess I needed someone to "hear it" you know?

Yes, I''m taking care of myself, no I don''t blame myself. Neither does DH...it just kind of sucks when, as he puts it, your mind takes you to places you don''t want to be.

Jackie

 

[Kaleigh]

That's very scary. Depression does suck, members of my family have suffered from it, so have been there too. Lost a family member to suicide and my mom has been a long time sufferer of depression. Is he on any medication, I know it takes a while to find what works. You said therapist, so was thinking he isn't on medication?? Maybe try a psychiatrist, or have you been down that path already?? Anyway, hang in there, it will get better with proper help. And vent away. Your voice is heard....

 

[KimberlyH]

Jackie,

I''m so sorry about your frustrations. You are absolutely entitled to be angry at his depression, that you can draw the line between that and being angry with him is extremely impressive.

You will both be in my thoughts tomorrow and in coming days...it''s a tough row to hoe.

 

[jas]

Thank you both -- it''s actually weirdly comforting to know that people are listening...at this point something like 58 people "heard" this...so I''m not screaming at walls.

Onward...today''s a rough one already.

 

[Dee*Jay]

jas, I have no good advice for you other than to keep "talking" to us. We do hear you and we care very much. Big big hugs outgoing.

 

[KimberlyH]

Absolutely, Jackie. Like DJ said, keep talking to us. It''s much better than screaming at walls, although I can understand why you would need to do so right now.

 

[Mara]

jackie sorry to hear about the tough times you and your DH are going through. i think for many people who suffer from mental kind of ailments...one of the things that bothers them to a high extent, is that it's your own brain and mind that is turning against you. there is so much outside negativity in general, so many life stresses, unhappinesses, that when you live a good life and are priveleged in general, that you get so upset at yourself and your brain for 'messing' with you..and not letting you enjoy your life, your happinesses.

sometimes i think that in general people nowadays just don't have enough to occupy their brains, so that they turn to other things like dark thoughts or obsessive compulsive tendencies or similar to get out some of the energy. my husband points this out to me at times because his grandparents came over from the ukraine, and they were on the move for about 10 years or so. their primary thoughts were survival, food, shelter. they never had time to be depressed. they just wanted to MAKE IT. when they did finally make it and built a great life for themselves in america, they never ever had one day where they were not so grateful for the life they were able to build and that they got out with their lives.

my husband points out that our generation or many of our generation anyway are so priveleged that we never have to worry about making it the way that his family did years ago. now it's more about 'oh are we going to get to take that tropical vacation this year, if not, what a hardship.' and i find that a pretty interesting way to think about it. sure there are things to be depressed about now, but in general many people have amazing lives compared to things their parents or grandparents went through. but our minds are highly-tuned machines and i think if we don't give them things to occupy them, they will make up their own kind of things to worry about, obsess over, be sad about. i think our overall feeling of satisfaction with our lives and higher levels of expectations can really lead us to be unhappy with achievements or what we feel we should have done or had by now and our minds can feed off that unfortunately.

anyway it's good that he is talking to you about these things. has he already gone to therapy? is he taking any sort of medications? have you guys tried any sort of alternative therapy (cognitive behavioral or similar)? in any case...just keep him talking to you, the lines of communication open. i have never had depression but i would imagine that just having you in his corner and available to help him and talk will help immensely. good luck and stay strong!

 

[Beacon]

Gosh Mara, I don''t think the type of depression her husband has is societal or economic based. Some depression is a non negotiable chemical issue. Rich or poor, it can strike hard.

It''s very difficult for non depressed people to understand. I am fortunate not to be the depressive type and though I really cannot understand the "dark days" of depressed people, I do not think it is about whether they are rich, poor, over occupied or under occupied.

Winston Churchill was one of the most occupied of people. None the less, he suffered badly from depression. He called it the "black dog". It''s not a modern problem, it''s just that now there is less stigma so we hear more about it.

 

[crown1]

hi jaz! i am including you and your husband in my prayers. i hope things will soon be looking up.

 

[Mara]

beacon, well that wasn't really what i meant...aka that her husband shouldn't be experiencing this or he has nothing else to worry about. i do agree that sometimes our brains just do funky things, are wired in funny ways. it's not uncommon. some people experience small forms of depression throughout their life without even realizing what it is. that's also why i asked about therapy (types of which can assist) or medications.

in general, i think it is frightening how black the mind can be and it seems so unfair that something so connected to who you are can turn against you and try to destroy you. the societal thing was just some musings that greg and i often consider. i have aonther friend who has a background somewhat like greg's family, and this person i think can have depressive tendencies from time to time, but he never really allows himself the liberty if you will to explore anything...because he knows he's very priveleged compared to older members of his family who never had time to worry about 'am i depressed'..they were just fighting to actually survive.

anyway again, i think it's very lucky he has you, jackie and hope you two can find strength in each other.

 

[diamondfan]

Jackie, I am so sorry that you and he are going through this. Most importantly, I think he must get proper help immediately, so he can get through a day at a time right now. Hopefully the doctor and you can both empathize but also get him to understand that there are things to enjoy, and that this feeling will pass in time, he just needs to have that hope and know it will lift from him with all of the proper support...hang in there, both of you...

 

[poptart]

Hi jas,

Sorry to hear that your husband and you are going through this rough time, but just know that you can get through it. It''s good that he is going to a therapist and he has you to help him through it. At times it can be so helpful just to know there is someone there who is going to be there when you finally step out of that deep hole, even if they can''t do all that much initially to help you out of it. Hopefully he will feel better very soon, and you will feel better as well, because it is a rough thing to get through.

*M*

 

[FireGoddess]

I can only imagine how hard this is for you right now. I am sending positive thoughts your way. Definitely keep the lines of communication open. I hope he can work through this bout soon.

 

[isaku5]

Jas,

I''m so sorry that you and your hubby are going through this, but I suffered from unrelenting depression for four years and now I understand what my DH had to go through with me. I had actually planned my suicide, but confided in my family doctor and help came very slowly, but he did arrange therapists for me, prescribed five different anti-depressants before finding one that worked in February of 1989. I couldn''t believe how much better I felt within three weeks!

I strongly suggest that you take your husband to the ER dept. of your hospital tonight; the fact that he has confided in you that he is "one step" away from suicide srikes an all too familiar and frightening chord with me.

I''m sorry if I''m scaring you, but I felt that I had to respond.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

How are things today? How are you both feeling?

warm hand from across the way--Sharon

 

[Finding_Neverland]

** Hugs for you, Jas!! **

I kinda, sorta know what you''re going thru. We have good friends where the Hubby is Manic Depressive. It was really rough for both of them until he was diagnosed and received proper treatment. Even now, with therapy and a drug regime, they still work thru the battle together.

GF says, when he''s having a bad spell, she focuses on thoughts of their good days to carry her thru the rough spots.

Sending good thoughts and prayers your way!!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Hi Jackie~
I''m sorry you''re going through so many difficulties right now. I''m sure your problems at work are not helping your situation at all. Doesn''t it amaze you how teachers, who are supposed to teach our youth and mold them into good people can be so horrible? Anyway, depression is a very scary thing, and I''m thinking about your hubby and hoping for the best. I hope you were able to spend the day together and start to work through this problem. Please let us know how you both are feeling. I agree that therapy is a very good idea...but if he''s been seeing someone for a while and now having dark thoughts, maybe a psychiatrist is the way to go. Good luck and I''ll be praying for you.
~M