DH midlife crisis - need help how to cope please

[olduser99]

Well I am desperate, and have resorted to getting a new account to go anon, as I just dont know what to do or where to turn. Despite the jokey thread a while ago about midl life crisis, this is something that has hit my marriage like a bombshell and I would love to hear from others how they coped, how friend coped or what to do.

My DH and I have been together for nearly 20 years, he has been my best friend and is a wondeful caring, lovely man, whe have shared an exciting life of travel and excitement. We have a young family, one 5 year old child, and that has brought some changes in the first years. DH career is going well overall, although he has been under stress the last year as he has been bullied at work and has a long commute, family wise, the restrictions of family life have been hard on him, less going out, less freedom etc, and we have had to adjust to me being mum and wife iykwim.

Oh, i dont know I am rambling. he has gone through all the classic signs, new clothes, designer things, interest in appearance, taking up smoking again after 20 years (he stopped just before we met),wanting to go out and party, wanting a sports car, secretely drinking (a lot), flirting with others etc etc. (major break of trust and something we are working on with long talks to restore). The issues in our marriage are not huge, and the things he has pointed out, are all reasonable and I am happy to proceed along those lines. I did get caught up in the parenting rut, but our child is bigger now so am happy for babysitters etc. and agree with my DH on the things he suggested. The breaking of trust issues, we are working on. The drinking, is something that he has accepted is a problem (in the family) and finally has opened up about it and he is addressing it.

What I cant help him with is his feelings of unhappiness, the mental bits of the mid-life crisis, he wall that comes up beteen us and he doesnt know how to get it down. He is sorry for the pain he is causing, but says he cant "snap" out of it. I can see he is hurting, and he is hurting us, by being distant, and then trying again, and then being distant as soon as we have a bad day. Oh, I dont know.

Any good books for him or me to read which can help him and support us. Any good books for me to read?

Any advice? Suggestions? A counsellor is not a go for him, and where we live (country wise) they are not the norm. We have had such a wonderful life together. It has only been the last year or so, that he has started to feel like this and at first hid it, until it all collapsed around him so to speak. He doesnt come from a family of talking about issues, and I have always been the one to start discussions, so he has hid his problems quite well from me this last year. He has had a horrible time at work in the last year and we are looking to change out of that job environment in the next few months.

He has been such a wonderful husband and friend, and we fit together so well, I am tearing up inside seeing him in this state of mind, and he says he doesnt know how to move out of it, he says he knows we can have the best life together and our past has been wonderful, there is no logical reason, ups and downs occur to everyone, but he is having issues coping all of a sudden. Oh, i dont know, I am just hoping this wonderful community has some advice for me.

Thank you for reading my long rambling post, but I really am at the end and dont know what to do. I cant talk to friends about this or family, as I feel it would be betraying our relationship and I want him to come out of this and have everyone know about it (he hasnt speciafically said dont tell anyone, but I am private anyway and dont really share those things with friends irl iywim).


olduser99

 

[movie zombie]

no words of advice except to say that it is positive that you''re both hanging in there and working on issues. i wish you luck.

movie zombie

 

[Dancing Fire]

olduser
how old is your hubby?

 

[Haven]

olduser, I just wanted to send my support. I hope you two can work it out, and it sounds like his willingness to talk about it and compromise is a very good sign of things to come.

Big hugs!

 

[somethingshiny]

First off, I''m so sorry you''re going through this.

Two members of my family had midlife crises and both of them turned to religion. They WANTED to learn a different way of life and they did.

But, what you''re saying about your DH sounds more along the lines of what has happened to friends of mine(20''s and 30''s) after they''ve had children. It may be more of an issue regarding your "new" relationship. There is a huge change that comes in a marriage when you have children. I think that change would only be harder the longer you''ve been married. For 15 years HE was the center of your world, now your child is. I''m sure he loves your child beyond words, but he still may be having a hard time figuring where he fits in the picture. He may be wondering when does he get his wife back, he might be having a hard time seeing you as sexy when he sees you fixing sandwiches and singing the alphabet song, he may not know if he''s a good enough "man" to be a role model to your child. Some people (not just men) don''t thrive in too structured lives. I''m guessing he was a bit of a free spirit and you loved that about him at one time. Now, he''s still the same person but trying hard to fit the mold of a family. It''s gotta be hard. My only advice is to try to get him to really open up and address any questions he has.

Good luck to you both.

 

[LaraOnline]

Hmm, I am not quite there yet, and we married late, so I am hoping that perhaps this 'interesting' phase might pass myself and my DH by, so I'm not sure how useful my contribution will be.
However, I did want to say to you that you seem to be a really great partner to him, with a genuine concern for his wellbeing and happiness.
That must be a huge benefit for both of you, in dealing with this situation.
As you both have recognised, as mentioned in your post, you have a strong marriage and a great relationship.

Perhaps you can look to the stories of other people that have come through similar circumstances. Even in my own family, my brother really hit a kind of wall, and started drinking late, chatting up women. One time, he came home late (again), his wife - who his completely devoted and simply a fantastic partner - came up to him and started getting cranky as he was sitting in his car. He was so drunk, and cranky, he punched her in the face and knocked her to the ground!!!!

Yet come through it they did, and their marriage is one of the strongest I have seen. She is an incredibly strong person and did not carp or whinge. (She did stick up for herself though!! She has a LOT of dignity) Her goal was never in doubt, I don't think.
Experiences like this have a beginning, middle and end, and you also will emerge on the other side.
I wonder whether it would be helpful to both of you if YOU were to further develop your interests - it could be as simple as joining a gym (absolutely wonderful for stress management!) or taking a night class. Did you ever have a special talent or interest that could be revived as an outlet for yourself? Reinvigorating your personal life in a totally self-sufficient way (this means not relying on him for babysitting etc) might reassure him that your lives are interesting and ever changing. Pepping up the social life (get that list of babysitters handy!) might also keep him occupied, if the company is fun, and supportive to yourselves as a couple.

I get the feeling that you guys are great together, and that his quest is (as always) a search for meaning, regular life can feel limiting sometimes and that's not a reflection on anyone whatsoever. As you seem to understand yourself, in your posts.

All the best, judging from your original post I think he is extremely lucky to have you in his life.

 

[oobiecoo]

I''m so sorry you are going through this. If counseling isn''t the norm in your area then what about doing something online? No one else has to know about it. If someone can take college classes on the internet then I''m sure there are counseling sessions and obviously message boards that he could visit to discuss what is bothering him and some solutions. In the mean time I would praise your husband... tell him you appreciate this and he''s doing a great job at that, etc. Make sure he understands that your child is old enough to remember his dad''s behavior later on in life... it would be a shame to always be remembered for negative things.

 

[olduser99]

thanks everyone it is strange how much better I feel about this, to be actually "talking" to someone other than my DH about this. It is very relievieving.

Dancing Fire my DH is in his late 30''s.

LaraOnLine and somethingshiny, yes, family life has been a big adjustment for him. Funnily enough he has always wanted heaps of children, but now one is all he conceeds he can cope with. He is an excellent father when and loves our child to bits. yes, we were incredibly close before we had our son, and did a lot of fun stuff together, now typing this, I can see that our life has shifted into family mode (inevitably so in one way, but for my DH perhaphs more balance is needed - which is fine by me now - I would always focus on the bigger picture ie when our son is bigger we can go out again).

It is just a scary scary time, as when he gets down and caught up in the cirisis part he is very remote from us, and he cant visualise where we are going to be or what our future (if any !!) we will have, but when he is feeling good, he is positiive about how we will build a stronger relationship from this. Fatherhood and the issues at work have not helped us. he is happy to have a look at some books on mid life crisis but again, I dont know what wich are good.

Hearing of others stories is really helping, I mean there are countless stories about the subject, so there must be lots of different perspectiives on it. I dont know how big an issue fatherhood is for him, or rather if he himself knows how big it is. He admits it is harder than he thought and more restrictive. We have a beautiful healty loving son, is there such a thing as post natal depression for men ( I know some women can get it years later)? but then maybey adjusting to the changes of fatherhood is just one bit of the overall puzzle

thank you everyone for your feedback and words of support so far, it has really helped. I am trying to be strong, for the two of us and for our family, it has been hard. so thanks.

 

[purrfectpear]

If you are a SAHM, get a job pronto. Make sure you know exactly what your financial situation is.

Sorry to be pragmatic here, but my motto is "hope for the best, but plan for the worst".

He may be a candidate for some Lexapro.

 

[musey]

This is so tough. Some friends of my family went through something similar, and it was a struggle but it brought them closer in the end.

Counseling would really help. Even just for you--you can tell him that you''ll be going, and would love if he''d come along but understand if he''s not comfortable with it. Maybe he''ll come around if he sees you being proactive about it?

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 12/23/2008 1:15:03 PM
Author: olduser99
thanks everyone it is strange how much better I feel about this, to be actually ''talking'' to someone other than my DH about this. It is very relievieving.

Dancing Fire my DH is in his late 30''s.

hmmm...i don''t know.

late 30''s sounds like too early for midlife crises. when we had our daughters i was in my late 20''s and still wanted to be out with my friends having fun.

 

[LaraOnline]

Maybe somethingshiny and DF are right, and it''s more an issue relating to ''lifestyle with kids'' rather than ''midlife crisis'' per se. Although no doubt the symptoms are pretty similar, but perhaps the treatment is a little different...?

 

[Steel]

Hello Olduser,

I am sorry you feel alone in this. I understand you want to keep private but that means you have nobody to bounce ideas or feeling off. I know that can unintentionally escalate matters. When you only have your own perspective for company it is hard to not work yourself into a frazzle.

(I think I have the right end of the stick with this - let me know if I don''t

)

I think that Lara made a very valid point about you finding some more external interests.

Go to the movies, the library, walk by your local lake, take a night class if you have the funds, volunteer at your local charity shop or hospital. A number of those if not all can be done with your child in toe so childminding should not be an issue. IMO this is a good idea for at least 2 reasons.

1. You mentioned that you want to keep your issues private. I think that sometimes you do not need to actually discuss your problems to get relief. If you have another adult outlet, it should be very relieving for you (eg. a night class, volunteering).
2. If your DH is shaking up his image, perhaps it would be no harm for you to do the same? I hope you will take this constructively but imagine you were in his shoes. You are itchy for whatever reason, would you prefer to come home to a husband who wants to talk about your ''issues'' or a husband who is vivacious, with a new interests of his own. Do you see what I am getting at? Even if you just go to the movies on your own, that is a much more interesting conversation to come home to. When problems come up, sometimes you need to see why you fell in love your SO in the first place. We all change, but individual interests are,... well, interesting. What do you enjoy doing?.......Then go do it.

It seems he has caused you real pain. I am sorry for that. It is possible he will never understand what he has done. Well done for wanting to work through this. Understand that the pain he caused will be yours to heal for the sake of your marriage, if you so choose. It is unlikely that any discussion you have at the moment will be a eureka moment for him to understand that he may have acted like a twit and hurt you. Try not to bring up whatever he has done to cause you this upset, at least not for a while. If I am right, he will not ''get it'' : you will be unsatisfied by the conversation and he upset that you keep bringing it up.

I say some of this from experience. Sometimes you know talking will only lead you down a road you do not want to go. I am not saying do not talk about this problem. I am saying just don''t talk about it every day. A bit of space from talking can be a wonderful thing. Occupy yourself with new things, it will do your heart good.