Home DH didn''t think before he spoke...no what???

[Italiahaircolor]

So, as many of you know I am kind of at odds with my in laws. On top of that, we just redid the house. Those two things combind gave me the crazy idea to host Christmas this year.

My DH totally supported my mission since for the past two Christmas we''ve travelled to be with them, and posed the idea to his parents who are hemming and hawing and not quick to accept or decline the invite--however, regardless of their decision, I am not venturing away from my home this holiday season. So, in order to help move things along on the family front, my DH invited his brother and SIL.

Of course this okay. I wouldn''t have expected it to be any other way...HOWEVER, apparently my DH got on a roll and was like "bring your dog, and you can stay at our house"

.

First of all...they have a GIANT dog, and WE have a NEW HOUSE. We live in Chicago, where it is snowy and soupy during the Christmas season, and the last thing I need is a GIANT dog tracking the outside inside! We have tiny dogs...with tiny little paws who hate the cold...they wear boots, and never step a foot on the carpet before having their feet dried... So this is completely different...they don''t cage their dog either. Big Dogs=Big Accidents.

Secondly, we have a condo...two bedrooms with the basement converted into a third. Since we plan on having a baby, we opted to leave the "real" guest room unfurnished and unoccupied until the time comes to flip it into a nursery. So we don''t really have proper sleeping arrangements for them...since the basement bedroom will hopefully we occupied by my MIL/FIL. I don''t even know where I would put blow up beds since we actually do live in all of our space...

Lastly, we have been to Buffalo NY 3 times as a couple, which is where my BIL/SIL live. Never once, not once, have we been so much as extended the invitation to stay in their home. We always have to spring for a hotel, which is NBD. But considering that, why should I have to open my home to them, anyway? My MIL says we should all be together for "Christmas" since its a holiday, although we don''t actually celebrate Christmas on Christmas anyway, mind you. So I posed the question...why, when we were in Buffalo for Easter, no one had a problem with us staying at a hotel and not all waking up under one roof?

But regardless of my feelings, my DH has gone forth and extended an all inclusive invite...even tho I feel justified in my reasons why it shouldn''t have been extended to begin with...

What the heck should I do?

P.S:If they stay with us...I have to buy air mattresses...sheets, ect...

...all right before Christmas....

 

[Octavia]

Italia, unfortunately I think you''re stuck with the situation unless you want to start a family feud. But if I were in your shoes, I''d definitely have a talk with DH about discussing things like this BEFORE making offers. Point out the practical problems, as you pointed out here, and ask him what he proposes to do about it. For all that men were historically thought of as the "practical" sex, truth is they''re just not. Let him be the problem solver this time, and hopefully it will teach him to think before he speaks next time.

Plan B, do you have a friend who owns an air mattress you could borrow, so you don''t have to purchase one? Especially since that way, if BIL/SIL ask to stay again, you won''t own the air mattress and your friend "won''t be able to lend it to you" at that time? Just a thought...

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Octavia, your response is very sensible. I don't have much other choice than to just grin and bare it.

I'm just annoyed, thats all. His brother has even gone so far as to say "you can't stay here" when he found out we were traveling there...which made me instantly hate him, since it's not even like we asked...he just "put it out there". Ummm, okay.

The evil wench part of me wants to fill the home with yummy candles (since she can't handle scent) and give them down filled blankets and pillows (since she can't handle that either). But, I won't...

I'm just so mad even thinking about it!

P.S: your air mattress suggestion was good...only problem is, no one ever comes to visit...we always go to them. So far, this year alone, we've gone to NC once, Buffalo twice, and Pittsburg a handle of times. Only his mom and dad have come here once.

 

[Kismet]

Have the talk with your husband about inviting people to stay at your house without talking to you first. Then have your husband call his brother back and tell him he realized they can''t bring their dog after all if they want to stay at your place because the condo assoc doesn''t allow dogs over a certain weight (or some other similar excuse). Have your husband ask his brother if they can bring aerobeds because the 2nd spare room isn''t furnished and you won''t be able to get to it before Christmas.

 

[cara]

Have the B/SIL accepted your invitation, with the dog? They are going to drive/fly the dog to Chicago from Buffalo? If not, you may be getting worked up prematurely. And are their dogs really not housebroken? Big dogs don't have to cause big accidents, if they are properly trained. If they are not housebroken, this would be the perfect opportunity to rescind your dog invitation. No polite person in their right mind should bring a non-housebroken dog to stay at someone else's house. I wouldn't recommend lying about condo rules, but you could say you are worried about the dog-dog interaction and would appreciate a different dog housing plan for the holiday.

You have every right to be annoyed (with your husband) and somewhat miffed that these folks would accept an invitation to stay in your house when they don't extend the same courtesy to you, but people do have different circumstances. Your husband did what he thought was best, or maybe he wasn't thinking beyond some reflexing hosting instict. But much better that you work out this marital bit of communication prior to a little one! (ie. train him now.)

Air mattresses are not that *expensive*, and do you not have any spare sheets in your house? Or just not enough to handle both.

Last, breathe and think hospitality. Hospitality. Hospitality. And since your husband dug this hole I hope he is planning to contribute to the hosting workload significantly?

 

[vizsla]

i''m going to play devil''s advocate and say that i think you are missing the ''christmas spirit'' here - you want all of the family to come to you this year - fine.. but they can''t bring their ''family''? (i.e. their dog?) i would be overwhelming upset if my sister told me i could come to her house for christmas but must kennel my dog.

secondly, i think you may be getting caught up in the ''house'' instead of why you are inviting everyone to your home - dirt can be wiped up, sheets can be washed, spills need just a paper towel.

i find the ''if i had my life to live over'' from erma bombeck really inspiring in times like these.. it kinda puts everything into perspective - you won''t remember the dirt, you will remember the time spent together at christmas.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the “good” living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television, and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.”

There would have been more “I love you’s.” More “I’m sorry’s.”

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute… look at it and really see it… live it… and never give it back.

Stop sweating the small stuff.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 10/2/2008 4:59:05 PM
Author: vizsla
i'm going to play devil's advocate and say that i think you are missing the 'christmas spirit' here - you want all of the family to come to you this year - fine.. but they can't bring their 'family'? (i.e. their dog?) i would be overwhelming upset if my sister told me i could come to her house for christmas but must kennel my dog.

secondly, i think you may be getting caught up in the 'house' instead of why you are inviting everyone to your home - dirt can be wiped up, sheets can be washed, spills need just a paper towel.

i find the 'if i had my life to live over' from erma bombeck really inspiring in times like these.. it kinda puts everything into perspective - you won't remember the dirt, you will remember the time spent together at christmas.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the “good” living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television, and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.”

There would have been more “I love you’s.” More “I’m sorry’s.”

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute… look at it and really see it… live it… and never give it back.

Stop sweating the small stuff.

Coulda woulda shoulda, right? Sounds like you have a lot of them.

And I dont see my house as "small stuff"...I put thousands upons thousands of dollars in my home, and I want for it to be respect by whomever comes over, just as I would of course respect their home in return. I have pride in my home and of ownership because I put in long hours to pay for it.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

They will absolutely drive, as they do to most places they visit.

I dont want to lie...I get nervous about that. And my oldest Chi is very dominate and protective of his home, so that would be a good bow out excuse

I am a planner...and regardless of how cheap or expensive something is, I hate that its just assumed we'll be buying them. And storing them.

Normally my DH is very thoughtful, and a great communicator...I'm really lucky. But, I think he may just assumed---since I love animals---I'd love for their dog to come visit...but, with our two dogs, and my MIL/FIL dog...I feel like thats more than enough on the pet front.

Date: 10/2/2008 4:13:03 PM
Author: cara
Have the B/SIL accepted your invitation, with the dog? They are going to drive/fly the dog to Chicago from Buffalo? If not, you may be getting worked up prematurely. And are their dogs really not housebroken? Big dogs don't have to cause big accidents, if they are properly trained. If they are not housebroken, this would be the perfect opportunity to rescind your dog invitation. No polite person in their right mind should bring a non-housebroken dog to stay at someone else's house. I wouldn't recommend lying about condo rules, but you could say you are worried about the dog-dog interaction and would appreciate a different dog housing plan for the holiday.

You have every right to be annoyed (with your husband) and somewhat miffed that these folks would accept an invitation to stay in your house when they don't extend the same courtesy to you, but people do have different circumstances. Your husband did what he thought was best, or maybe he wasn't thinking beyond some reflexing hosting instict. But much better that you work out this marital bit of communication prior to a little one! (ie. train him now.)

Air mattresses are not that *expensive*, and do you not have any spare sheets in your house? Or just not enough to handle both.

Last, breathe and think hospitality. Hospitality. Hospitality. And since your husband dug this hole I hope he is planning to contribute to the hosting workload significantly?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thanks for the areo bed advice...I''ll bring that up tonight

Date: 10/2/2008 3:58:20 PM
Author: Kismet
Have the talk with your husband about inviting people to stay at your house without talking to you first. Then have your husband call his brother back and tell him he realized they can''t bring their dog after all if they want to stay at your place because the condo assoc doesn''t allow dogs over a certain weight (or some other similar excuse). Have your husband ask his brother if they can bring aerobeds because the 2nd spare room isn''t furnished and you won''t be able to get to it before Christmas.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I have a solution: leave the giant dog with me, PLEEEASE!!! I love big ol'' snowy paw prints in my home!!!

I do think that there will be an issue if your Chi is dominant and protective, especially since the big boy will be coming into what your Chi thinks is "his" home. The fact that the visiting dog is significantly larger than your Chi will only fuel the fire. Little dogs just love to dominate the big ones and this process is usually accompanied by quite a bit of barking and growling...even if the visiting dog is completely non-alpha it could lead to a noisy visit and general frustration as the "pack" reconfigures.

I would definitely let your BIL know about the dog situation--DH and I drive our dog from from the East Coast to the Midwest so we can spend our holidays with him, but if I knew I was staying in a home where there was a dominant/protective dog, I would find another option. It sounds like bringing the dog is important to your BIL since they are making such a long drive, so I don''t think it would be fair to either of you to have to spend the entire holiday separating your dogs.

Sorry that you''re in this situation!!! I have no doubt your husband has probably learned his lesson!

 

[happyfeet1988]

If you''re worried about the big dog tracking in snow, just politely "suggest" they dry his feet EVERY time he comes in from outside. We live in St. Louis and have a 90 pound lab as well as a brand new house, and soupy feet have never been an issue for us. But with your smaller dog been dominant, I do see that as a problem. It will not be an enjoyable holiday for anyone if you''re worrying about the dogs the whole time. And I totally understand how you are feelign right now. I have the in laws from h***, and they just assume they should be provided for at all times. Is there anyway you could just call them, and talk to them about the situation? I don''t know how close you are to them, but I personally wouldn''t take offense if someone explained to me that there might be an issue with our pets clashing, and they respectfully asked if we would mind to leave him at home. Believe me, I LOVE my dog like a family member, but you can''t expect everyone to love him. I do agree you shouldn''t worry about your house as far as the dog making a mess though because I don''t think it will make a mess. If your sister in law has never extended an invitation for you to stay with them, that puts you in a tough situation. I think at this point, I would just suck it up and try to bear it. IF you want to keep things peaceful, I think that''s the only way to go (and trust me i have a lot of experience in these types of situations). Good luck!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 10/2/2008 3:49:31 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Octavia, your response is very sensible. I don''t have much other choice than to just grin and bare it.

I''m just annoyed, thats all. His brother has even gone so far as to say ''you can''t stay here'' when he found out we were traveling there...which made me instantly hate him, since it''s not even like we asked...he just ''put it out there''. Ummm, okay.

The evil wench part of me wants to fill the home with yummy candles (since she can''t handle scent) and give them down filled blankets and pillows (since she can''t handle that either). But, I won''t...

I''m just so mad even thinking about it!

P.S: your air mattress suggestion was good...only problem is, no one ever comes to visit...we always go to them. So far, this year alone, we''ve gone to NC once, Buffalo twice, and Pittsburg a handle of times. Only his mom and dad have come here once.

Honestly? Maybe I''m just in a (really) bad mood today, but considering the above bolded part, I would have no qualms about having DH rescind the invite. He could always just say "Upon further consideration, we don''t feel it is a good idea to have your dogs in our house because it will be too stressful for our dogs" (which IMO could be totally true, my old dog was a smaller dog and he found large, rambunctious dogs to be terrifying to the point where he''d shake, hide and have accidents). Or something like that.

Again, I am kind of crabby and tired today (and I''m an only so maybe I shouldn''t even be giving advice about siblings) so maybe that''s influencing my view but it''s pretty darn rude to say ''you can''t stay here'' when you didn''t even ask in the first place so I wouldn''t be overly concerned about being hospitable to them at my own expense.

 

[vizsla]

for clarification - those were not my ''should haves'' - they are erma bombecks.

what i was trying to say is that memories, TO ME, are more important than ''stuff''.

and i know the value and pride of homeownership/fixing up your house yourself - DH and i are on house #3 - we have completely remodeled each one ourselves.

*but* your house could be gone tomorrow - one day it''s here, the next day it isn''t - i think people place too much importance on ''stuff'' - enjoy life and memories - because the ''stuff'' could be gone tomorrow.

that''s all.

i''ll go ahead and see myself of this thread.

 

[Maisie]

I am about to go and visit my sister a few hundred miles away. We are taking both our dogs as we don''t have anyone who could look after them.. I asked her about four times if it was ok to bring them both. (a labrador and labradoodle). If she had been uncomfortable we wouldn''t have taken them. Its her home and I respect that.

I know how much mess the dogs bring inside. My floors are always covered in muddy footprints! I accept that as part of being an owner of larger breeds. It wouldn''t be nice for me if someone brought a bigger dog over and I was used to tiny dogs. I am rather houseproud which is why I follow my dogs around with a cloth!

It would be worse again if the visiting dog would make my own pets nervous or hyper.

As for the space issue, I am the type that gets stressed if there are people wherever I turn. I do love Christmas and have lots of Christmas spirit, but I don''t think I could handle a lot of people in my house for days at a time.

I hope you can find a solution to your worries. I think your hubby needs to have another word and voice your concerns. I would have smacked my husband if he had offered to let so many people stay!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thank you, everyone, for being supportive of my concerns and not making me feel like a nutcase, or like I''m overreacting.

I honestly don''t want to make anyone feel unwelcome in our home, and I''m really nonconfrontational when it comes to my in-laws (brother and sister included) because I already know they don''t "love me" and I don''t feel like giving them further reason to dislike me. Out of love and respect for my DH, I attempt (given the opportunity) to make things as nice and comfy as possible, although sometimes when it gets to be to much--I do respectfully stand up for myself.

I think, for this year at least, since I already made the request to host the holiday, I''ll simply "eat" whatever comes with that--if it means hosting a house full of people, okay...it means having my new carpet cleaned when they leave, I''ll have to simply get over it. Of course, in a perfect world, the dog will stay home and they will find a nice hotel...but I''m probably dreaming.

I appreciate you all letting me vent out my feelings so that I don''t become a compressor of anger and frusteration over the subject, and now I can move forward.

Thanks!!!

 

[phoenixgirl]

I second the suggestions about borrowing a mattress and asking them not to bring the dog.

They might prefer to stay in a hotel when they know they won''t have their dog with them and will just be on an air mattress anyway, but you won''t be the one telling them they can''t stay with you.

I''m glad you got to vent . . . PS is so good for that!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Oh, you poor thing! I really feel for you because DH did much the same to me a few years back. Gritting your teeth and embracing it doesn''t make for more spirit or happier memories, it just builds up a whole bundle of resentment (in my experience anyway).

Second time he tried it I took a different approach. I dealt with it by doing nothing at all. DH and I are usually a team, but he issued the invitation against my wishes so he was on his own with that whole thing. No point me getting stressed, no point in confrontation. I just did nothing- you need airbeds? Let him get airbeds. House needs to be tidied / rearranged / etc? Good luck to him. Shopping, cleaning, cooking -he did it all and he was stressed to a new level. Which I would have been if I''d done it. He will never, ever try that again.

Even if you don''t feel you could do that, maybe just the suggestion that you migh will do the trick? Make cleaning up after the dog 100% his, too.