Devastated....

[ilovethiswebsite]

Oh hun... I am so sorry... *big hug*... all our prayers are with you and your family ...

 

[msb700]

Oh freke

ur last post brought tears to my eyes..No words I say can tell u how sorry i am for wat ur going thru..i cannot even imagine how u r feeling rite now..just know that my thoughts and prayers are with u and the family...

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 12/14/2008 4:23:13 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Hello everyone,


I slept better than I have in a long time last night. That may have had to do with the fact that I was emotionally and physically exhausted, but it could have had something to do with the fact that I drank a martini at dinner and then came home, a friend came over and we made mojitos. Either way, I''m not complaining. It was the first night in two weeks I''ve slept without the aid of a Tylenol PM.


I think in a lot of ways that I''ve been grieving for a long time. My mom was incredibly active, walking 3 miles a day, renovating my condo, driving all over the city, and when she became this skinny body that couldn''t drive, didn''t have the energy to microwave a can of soup, that is when I lost my mom. I remember staying up almost all night last Christmas, and writing this long email to FF about how I had finally realized that this could be the last Christmas I had with her and how hard that was for me (and mind you, this was still when she was doing ok...) and I just remember sobbing at the computer while typing the email. Little did I know that I would be right, and that was the last Christmas I would have with her.


When FF and I were talking to her the day before she passed, her voice had stopped working, and she could only stage whisper. She kept talking about Christmas, and she wanted to know what we were going to do in Vegas, and was talking about how they weren''t making her do anything she didn''t want to do, like eat or drink or whatever, and that they just kept giving her pain meds. She wanted to know when they were going to let her out. And I sat there, with tears running down my face silently, occasionally sniffing, and she asked me if I was sick. She couldn''t see the tears because she wasn''t wearing her glasses, and I was managing to keep my voice steady. I lied to her and told her that FF had woken up with a stuffy nose, and I had woken up with the sniffles. She knew this was a lie-since I can remember, my colds and sinus infections (and there have been a lot of them) have started out with a stuffy nose, and she, of course, knew this. But she just nodded serenely, accepted my lie, and asked for more root beer.


I sat here just a minute ago, thinking about dinner last night and how much the bill was, and all of the stories that were told, and how I should call her and tell her what had happened. Realizing I couldn''t...hurts.


I''m going to miss my mommy.

Oh Freke - reading this post makes me so sad. Please try and remember although she is not with you physically, she is with you spiritually every single day- and for that reason, in some strange way - she is probably closer to you now than she ever way before. You are definitely going through the toughest time right now, but as others have said, it does get better with time. It sounds like she was suffering for a long time, cancer is a terrible disease like that. She is no longer suffering anymore, and is probably much happier where she is now - wherever that it. I always find death is hardest for those who are left behind, because we are the ones left here on earth grieving, while our loved ones who pass away get to move on to a better place... Just stay strong, and I think the fact that you are writing about your feelings is a great way to vent. Keep doing this - it will hopefully help work through some of your pain.

Take care Freke - make sure you rest and eat. You might have to force yourself but it will help in the long run.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

What a heartbreaking post, Freke. How blessed your mother was to have a child who loved and adored her so much. {{{hugs}}}

 

[Sparkalicious]

Freke, love - I''m so sorry. Your post brought tears to my eyes. The reality of it is so endearing. I can only imagine the pain you feel daily as you grieve but, having experienced loss in my life as well, I can attest to the fact that one day, maybe not right now or even for a while, these beautiful memories will bring smiles instead of tears to you.

You are an inspiration and your mom lives through your spirit. You have indeed done her very proud. What more could a mother want in a child than the love you have shared with her?

 

[choro72]

((((hugs))))
Your mother was as strong and fabulous as her daughter. Your story me choke

 

[btrflygrl23]

Oh gosh Freke I''m so, so, so sorry for your loss, can''t even begin to imagine, prayers and hugs to you and yours during this tough time..
You seem like such a strong gal you will pull through..
Please take care of yourself at this time

 

[wishful]

Hang in there.

 

[Harleigh]

Hi Liz,

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. I hope each day is getting a bit easier for you and your father and family. Big hugs!

 

[Dancing Fire]

hugs Freke...times will heal the pain.

 

[FrekeChild]

Thanks guys.

I''m off to Vegas tomorrow and I''ll be gone until Saturday, but FF is taking his laptop, so if I can get it away from him I might post.

I hope you all have a wonderful rest of the week!

 

[*Danielle*]

I hope you enjoy Vegas! You deserve to have some fun and your mom would want you to too.

 

[Linda W]

Have a wonderful time in Vegas Liz, you deserve it sweetheart.

Love, Linda
xoxoxoxoxoox

 

[swimmer]

Enjoy your escape!

 

[dragonfly411]

Freke - I''m so sorry hon. I know it hurts now, though I can''t even begin to say that I can relate. I can''t. But we are here for you, and some day, it will stop hurting and you will remember good things. Enjoy Vegas.... she would want you to.

 

[FireGoddess]

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you...

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Freke-- I am very sorry for all the pain that you are going though and I am sorry for your loss...

Enjoy Vegas, because she would have wanted you to go and enjoy your time there. Take your mind off everything and perhaps get a massage while you are there... you deserve a "me" day.

*hugz*

 

[Kelli]

I hope you can have a good time in Vegas. You deserve to relax a little now.

 

[musey]

I''ve been thinking about you, Liz. I hope it''s getting easier. I know it will never go away. Big hugs, friend.

 

[Kaleigh]

Thinking of you Liz. Hope you are enjoying Vegas.

 

[Skippy123]

I hope you made it there okay Liz, I just saw this, http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081218/ap_on_re_us/western_weather
I am hoping they are like NM and it melts fast; hope you are safe

 

[choro72]

I''ll be lapping my tongue waiting for your report of Vegas!

 

[FrekeChild]

I''m in the McCarran Airport, safe and sound. Having it snow in Vegas was pretty...interesting...I''ve spent a fair amount of time thinking about my mom, but only a couple of tears have been shed. And many of those were of happiness, the way she would have wanted.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 12/20/2008 5:58:50 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I''m in the McCarran Airport, safe and sound. Having it snow in Vegas was pretty...interesting...I''ve spent a fair amount of time thinking about my mom, but only a couple of tears have been shed. And many of those were of happiness, the way she would have wanted.

You sound good Liz. Glad you are safe and sound. Would love to hear more about Vegas when you have time and are settled. HUGS!!!

 

[fatafelice]

Big hugs to you, Freke, on the loss of your mother. I lost my dad a few years ago and I know that the months following seem like a bad dream. Please just try to take care of yourself and allow yourself to be sad when you need to be.

 

[Kelli]

Date: 12/20/2008 5:58:50 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I''m in the McCarran Airport, safe and sound. Having it snow in Vegas was pretty...interesting...I''ve spent a fair amount of time thinking about my mom, but only a couple of tears have been shed. And many of those were of happiness, the way she would have wanted.

Nice to hear

 

[jcarlylew82]

Date: 12/20/2008 5:58:50 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I''m in the McCarran Airport, safe and sound. Having it snow in Vegas was pretty...interesting...I''ve spent a fair amount of time thinking about my mom, but only a couple of tears have been shed. And many of those were of happiness, the way she would have wanted.

I''m sorry to hear what happened, and i hope you continue to hold this to your heart.

 

[zoebartlett]

L, I just wanted to check in and let you know that I was thinking of you and your family. I know that the holiday season can be hard for many people who have recently lost loved ones. I wanted you to know that your family is in my thoughts. Take care.

Zoe

 

[FrekeChild]

Thanks ladies. I''ve been continuing to read everything you''ve been posting over here, I just get teary every time I start thinking about her, and with Christmas being her favorite holiday and all, it''s been tough. And it''s not getting any easier yet.

But thank you for keeping me and my family in your thoughts. It really means a lot to me.

 

[snlee]

Liz, thinking of you. Hugs.